The Hebbs: Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We had a very quiet and simple Christmas, which allowed us to reflect on the important things of this life and the true reason for us celebrating CHRISTmas.

Since Ollie died, life has more meaning--more depth. Every holiday, every birthday and every living moment is far more special because I know first hand how a memory can be a final one.

And how a breath can also be the last.

Ollie changed the course of my life forever, obviously.

Poppy giving food and money to Debbie--a sweet 62 year old woman without an eye, who lives in a tent.

He opened my eyes to the beautiful meaning of life, he opened me up to feel

broken,

love,

crushed,

lonely,

peace,

trauma,

hope,

terror,

faith,

devastation

and many other polar opposite feelings that remind me, I am still alive and breathing--and for that I am thankful. Most of these feelings I had never experienced at such a deep level. When Adam and Eve fell in the garden, it brought about opposition in all things. It brought about sorrow and joy, pleasure and pain, sickness and health. When I first experienced these terrible feelings of grief and hopelessness, I was so thankful when I could feel any bit of happiness--even though it was underlined with an awful feeling. I kind of think grief may always be like this, an underlying feeling of longing or heaviness. As for me, 3.5 years after Ollie's death, I am still feeling the heaviness and loneliness of his physical presence. Life will never be the same, ever. I am thankful to Ollie and Heavenly Father for allowing me to love even deeper than I ever thought possible. My love, faith and hope have all increased, due to my personal pleads of soul searching.

My sweet parents and brother always decorate Ollies spot with luminaries and sing silent night on Christmas eve....such a special tribute

***

Today in church I bore a testimony that I know God (Heavenly Father) is the master engineer of this life. He knows what works, what doesn't and what is truly best--just like I do for my children. I am thankful Jesus Christ has not left me comfortless during my times of shear devastation and horror. The dark has lifted a tad and I am beginning to see some light--that doesn't mean the pain has left, but I do see hope in something greater in the life to come. I have an immovable testimony of this.

I can't help but thank all my sincere friends through-out the world who have continued to pray for our family and have done so many sweet act of kindness. You have truly carried our burdens that they may be light and walked with those that mourn.

Mosiah 18:8-10 (Book of Mormon--translated by Joseph Smith--the most correct book here upon the face of the earth--I believe this with all my heart)

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?