I haven't written much lately because I have been writing my feelings on Instagram.....but I never really express all of my feelings on there. This blog has been a great place for me to get my muffled thoughts out of my head and on to something more organized.
So, this month MARCH, the month Ollie transitioned into paradise, has already hit me like a ton of bricks. Its the very first day of March and I started off my morning very emotional and crying.....I couldn't figure out why. Then it hit me, ITS MARCH.
I just watched the movie, THE SECRET last night and it has already changed my thinking. I am sending out ONLY positive thoughts and feelings to the universe. Instead of dubbing this month the dreaded month, I'm now calling it the beautiful month of transition. Transition for us all. Ollie, me and my family. Today is the month of becoming new and having Ollie's death become a beautiful thing, even though it seems so ugly and dark.
Today my affirmations to the world, to heaven, to God and to you all are:
Today I bring peace and happiness into my home and life.
Today I thank God for what I have and all I am blessed with.
Today I only feel love, understanding, and acceptance.
Today I am healing and love myslef and who I am becoming.
Today is a beautiful day and I choose peace.
My journey through grief has been long, lonely, exhausting, painful, dark, hopeful, depressing, confusing, and so much more. I have seen good days and bad days, days filled with hope and with despair. But through it all, as I think back to the few first excruciating hours after Ollie died, I am amazed at how far I have come. Seriously, the pain is UNREAL and so so DEEP that it almost kills you. I can't even believe I didn't die and that I am actually smiling today. I really can't believe this. It is always crazy to me to think how your life can be so good one minute and the next it can be such hell. My healing has come day by day and I have always ridden the waves that ebbed and flowed. I am the kind of person who has liked to stare grief and pain straight in the face. I have never turned my back and for me this has worked very well in order to fully heal---I will never fully heal but to heal as well as I can until I hold my sweet Ollie.
If you are reading this and you have just lost a child or loved one, KNOW THIS,
You will be okay. You will keep breathing and you will one day smile again. I remember many mothers telling me this and I wanted to say, SHUT UP. But seriously, you will find the new normal for your unexpected and unwanted new life. The journey will be long and exhausting, but you will make the journey and there is always someone there to support you---other grieving people. The loss of a child is like non other. The pain is like non other, but you must fight through to become a warrior and in the end I think we will be STRONGER warriors than ever before our trial.
Keep going and know that I am praying for all the broken hearts out there! You can and will do this!
Here's to a beautiful month honoring my sweet boy who made me a mother!
I did a pocast with a friend who honors the hard work we do as mothers. Listen to my story HERE