I just miss Ollie.
I miss his tiny fat toes,
his messy blonde straggly hair,
his piercing blue eyes.
His sweet smell of burt's bees butter milk lotion,
those tiny little legs running quickly to see the rain,
that cute little bum in his spider man underwear.
I miss his snuggles as he backed into me,
his tiny voice that was so polite,
his watching, learning, and observing spirit.
***
Today, I have come so far since the horrific day I held sweet Ollie in my arms as he took his last fighting breathes here on earth.
My wounds are deep, raw and still festering, but they are healing.
slowly.
day by day.
still clinging to those last precious moments.
my heart wants to go back.
my mind knows I can not go back.
The loss left a giant, dark whole in my fragile heart.
The whole will never quite fill up entirely on this earth and will always be felt.
Once something is broken, it will never be the same, it is permanently changed.
But it can still be beautiful and fulfill its purpose.
Change is ok.
Change is sometimes needed.
Change allows you to see things form a different perspective.
Allowing your body and spirit to experience something so deep and raw allows you to really be awake.
really be breathing.
re-born.
a transformation.
new light.
One of my firsts kisses
In the darkness of it all, there is only hope becasue it cant get any darker that dark.
There is only light to look forward to.
Light will slowly enter through that tiny dark whole which was created from the loss.
This light can enter and only expand until you are filled with that burning, warming, and loving light.
It will brighten your spirit and your life.
You will see things in an eternal perspective with your new found eyes.
"Seek that light that is seeking you"
-Rumi
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