Friday, January 25, 2013

Ollie Daddy won't last without you.

Everyday I'm filled with darkness like a smokey gas has filled my being and is working to destroy my soul. I have constant headaches daily for no reason, they all make me nauseous. I would actually feel better knowing that I had some sort of condition that was taking me down. I wrestle with an internal pain of loss so great I never feel comfortable anymore. I feel happiness pretty much not at all anymore, and I feel all I do is try to stay sane enough to go to work to support us. I feel like I'll die early and my stress is taking hold of my health. I need a change of life. I need a therapeutic environment in which to heal. The factory I spend half my life at does not provide this. I'm hurting, I'm hurting deep inside... Amidst my own loathing I am thankful for what we have. I feel so sorry for everyone else who's life is dealing them giant lemons. Life can be so hard and I know so many have it way worse then I. I often wonder what the point is lately? I find solace in knowing we are all headed for the same place wherever that may be. I hope somehow I can pull out of my life's nose dive and function better. I used to feel I was a very dynamic individual full of a variety of ideas and I had a lot of self worth. Lately I just feel sick, I don't feel good. My body aches, cringes, dizziness, soreness, restlessness. There was a time I was so active everyday. I felt really nice and good because I was healthy and active. I love sensations like the cold air on my face as I fly down a mountainside on skis, the cool ocean water as it wraps me up while I swim through it. I am very bothered about how Ollie spent his last moments. I hate that he was suffocated by water until death. I don't know what that's like and it bothers me all the time. Ollie I love you so much. Your my first born son. I was learning what it's like to have a child and have a father that loves you at the same time. You are so special to me. I was always so patient and loving with you. I was pouring out all my good feelings because you made me feel so good, such a sense of love I I felt every time you were in my arms. I've changed because of the hurt inside. It takes an active effort for me to be this way now, and it still seems like I've lost my ability to even care. I'm having faith that somehow someway this will not claim my soul, some sort of self inflicted condemnation because I just can't handle it. I need you my son. Please stay near, I can't carry myself these days....