Everyday I'm filled with darkness like a smokey gas has filled my being and is working to destroy my soul. I have constant headaches daily for no reason, they all make me nauseous. I would actually feel better knowing that I had some sort of condition that was taking me down. I wrestle with an internal pain of loss so great I never feel comfortable anymore. I feel happiness pretty much not at all anymore, and I feel all I do is try to stay sane enough to go to work to support us. I feel like I'll die early and my stress is taking hold of my health. I need a change of life. I need a therapeutic environment in which to heal. The factory I spend half my life at does not provide this. I'm hurting, I'm hurting deep inside... Amidst my own loathing I am thankful for what we have. I feel so sorry for everyone else who's life is dealing them giant lemons. Life can be so hard and I know so many have it way worse then I. I often wonder what the point is lately? I find solace in knowing we are all headed for the same place wherever that may be. I hope somehow I can pull out of my life's nose dive and function better. I used to feel I was a very dynamic individual full of a variety of ideas and I had a lot of self worth. Lately I just feel sick, I don't feel good. My body aches, cringes, dizziness, soreness, restlessness. There was a time I was so active everyday. I felt really nice and good because I was healthy and active. I love sensations like the cold air on my face as I fly down a mountainside on skis, the cool ocean water as it wraps me up while I swim through it. I am very bothered about how Ollie spent his last moments. I hate that he was suffocated by water until death. I don't know what that's like and it bothers me all the time. Ollie I love you so much. Your my first born son. I was learning what it's like to have a child and have a father that loves you at the same time. You are so special to me. I was always so patient and loving with you. I was pouring out all my good feelings because you made me feel so good, such a sense of love I I felt every time you were in my arms. I've changed because of the hurt inside. It takes an active effort for me to be this way now, and it still seems like I've lost my ability to even care. I'm having faith that somehow someway this will not claim my soul, some sort of self inflicted condemnation because I just can't handle it. I need you my son. Please stay near, I can't carry myself these days....
dad
What open and honest feelings, and so heart-wrenching. We lift you up in prayer, so that you can get through these moments in your Earthly life with love and support. Ollie is looking after you...with Poppy as his accomplice. We pray for your family's healing during the times of hurt.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers Jenn
DeleteI wish you had a job in the sunshine and fresh air. I wish Ollie was still with you. Everything about losing a child seems so cold and cruel, but I know that Ollie still feels your love, because love is stronger than separation. You might have to endure this life without him but you are always his dad.
ReplyDeleteThere is a quote I love that says, "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." ~Barbara Bloom. I don't know if this is true or not, but it expresses what I hope happens to our souls when we overcome adversity. Although it might seem impossible, one day you will be strong enough to feel joy again, maybe not in the same way as before, but it will be more beautiful because it was so hard won. When you are next with Ollie you will show him how all the cracks in your soul are filled with gold.
Love,
Mindy
tiffany and chris,
ReplyDeletei have been reading your blog from the beginning, my heart is so sad for you both, i wish so much that i could reach through the computer screen and just hug you both so tight.
i wish i knew why these awful things have to happen, it's so hard for me to understand, but when i do look at the bigger picture i know your sweet little family will all be together once again, i know your baby boy is with you every day, i believe in life after death and i know families can always be together, the hard part for you guys is trying to get through this day to day grind, and i can't say that i know exactly what your going through because i myself have never lost a child- i do feel strongly that if you can touch so many people, just like you have touched me through your courage, little ollie is so proud of his mommy, daddy, and baby sister. so many people love you guys and want to help. i will never forget sweet ollie and i never even had the chance to meet him, i hope and pray that the days will eventually start to get a little easier for you, and your new life will soon begin to have hope again- just know that your little boy is always with you, watching you, and taking care of you, until you all meet again.
i love you guys
jayda and pete
tiff and chris,
ReplyDeletei have been reading your blog since the beginning. my heart hurts for you so much i wish i could grab you through the computer screen and give you the biggest hug. it is so hard to try to understand why this awful thing had to happen, it doesn't seem fair and i have a hard time trying to understand it, but when i look at the bigger picture i know that you will see and be with your sweet ollie again, the hard part is the day to day grind and i can't say that i know what you are going through because i myself have never lost a child, but if you have touched me, like you have touched so many others through your courage, think of how much your ollie is so very proud of you, he is with you, watching and taking care of you until you meet again
we love you guys so much
jayda and pete
I'm so sorry for your loss and my heart is heavy thinking about the pain you've had to endure since your precious son's death. I'll be praying that you and your family would experience the peace the comes from The Father of Lights, who knows what it's like to lose His only Son.
ReplyDelete“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Mindy,
ReplyDeleteI believe and hope everything you said happens to our souls and hearts. One day we may be made
Stronger than we ever imagined. I love he quite by Barbara bloom. Thanks for sharing.
Xo
Dear Chris, As I read your raw and real emotions I wondered if it were possible to literally lend you a portion of my Hope for a while. I know that your heart is broken and your body and soul are weak, I believe that the feelings a heart and soul feel can take over the way our physical bodies function like you described. I also KNOW that the Lord has power to heal. Your heart and soul cannot feel the love and warmth and light He has to offer, but if you could even borrow a little bit of hope from someone else....it will grow inside you and He can carry you though this time until you have strength again to feel the good things of this world. You and Tiffany are such special and beautiful souls. You have so much love to give and light to feel. Hold on to whatever you can. I Pray that you will feel and live and laugh again. Hugs!
DeleteChris and Tiffany,
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say that can do more than what has already been said. Except, maybe to tell you that I love you and I marvel at your strength every day. Mindy's quote about the cracks in our soul being filled with gold is exactly what I would wish to say to you, too- how beautiful an idea. The darkness in your life will let the stars shine even brighter when you are able to see them again. We still pray for you at our house and we think about you often. I hope (KnOW) that one day you will return to yourselves to be the people that little Ollie was given to for his short journey here.
If only the love of people around you could be made into a rope to hold you together and a blanket to hold you close- you two would be COVERED! Love, love, love.
Julie
Chris (&Tiffany), Hold on to Hope. That's what keeps us alive through this extremely difficult trial. You are strong Christopher. You can do this. You can do hard things. I'm so glad you wrote this down. I think it helps to get it out of your head, even if it helps just a little. You & TIffany are amazing parents. The funny thing about love is that you never run out. You can continue to pour your love into Poppy & Tiffany even though you poured so much into Ollie. I pray for your hearts to be healed every single day. There will always be scars & always, always Ollie has a huge part of your heart. Just like the Grinch, hearts can grow. They just get bigger to love even more. I Love you & will do anything I can for you. Just remember that we are sending many, many prayers to all 4 of you.
ReplyDeleteSheri & Scott
Thank you to everyone who posted above. You comments are beautiful & I love you!
ReplyDeleteMy deepest condolences. I was guided to this post by my son Noah. He was murdered back in September and believe me when I say I feel your pain. My heart thoughts and prayers re with you. If you want to talk you can send me a message on Facebook.
ReplyDeleteLove and light
Tanya brancalion
My deepest condolences. I was guided to this site by my son Noah. He was murdered in September. Please believe me when I say I can feel your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. If you ever want to talk you can find me on Facebook.
ReplyDeleteLove and light
Tanya Brancalion