I have loved blogging and have had this blog since 2006. I erased it once when I was immature and super mad at my husband, we were having martial problems....ha ha.....anyway, I am now doing more on Instagram, if any of you would like to follow there,
feel free.
I have two instagrams
tiffolistic-which is my nutrition, yoga, grief, health etc.
tiffhebb-which is my personal one with mostly pictures of my kids.
I will still be posting on my blog but it is few and far between since life seems to get busier.
XO
p.s. I am working on a book about my grieving journey, so stay tuned for that. It will be available in paperback and ebook.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Empathy and Sympathy
I truly believe when you go through horrible things in life, you are better equipped to help someone along your way when they are in need. If you had not gone through such horrible things, then you would not be able to have as much empathy or sympathy. By your refining you are made even STRONGER!
Mourn with those that stand in need, and that's all of us. We all could use some more love, kindness and compassion. We all want to be accepted, validated and loved. Right?? I know I do.
The world has been quickly changing, at least in my neck of the woods. I know horrific things have happened all over the world, through out all of time, but lately, it really is getting pretty nasty. People are no respecters of persons, they lie, they cheat, they still and they kill. And sometimes for no good reason. This is not to say there is not good in the world, there is so much good and I see it daily!!
As a society, we are very unhealthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. We are way out of balance with God, with ourselves, with our children work and play. We don't know what is right or wrong anymore. We think bad is good and good is bad. We have lost our connection to one another and to our loving Heavenly Father. We have lost our compassion, our understanding and our hearts have turned cold.
I have seen so much hate pushed towards this woman whose child fell into the gorilla pit, my goodness where is the love? Probably more than any other time in this woman's life, she needs love and compassion. I know at a time like this, you are heartbroken, devastated and almost dead.....I honestly can't believe people are sooooo quick to judge after they hear a headlining news article without physically knowing the full story or the person. In my situation, they did a full investigation while my son was getting CPR performed on him. In his last moments on earth I was getting interrogated for possibly killing my child. I understand the reasoning, because evil parents do kill their precious children. I know when we die, we will be judged accordingly and based upon how we judged others. So lets pick someone up when they are almost dead themselves instead of push them further into the ground, sucking the life out of them even more......
Lets all come together and pray for your enemies, pray for the world, humanity and for yourselves. We all truly NEED God in heaven to throw down his wrath and help save us all. He is the master engineer of all things and in the end we will all know Him and his son Jesus Christ.
I feel my duty is to spread goodness, kindness, hope, love and compassion to others. I will continue to do this until my work is finished here upon the earth.
Thank you Ollie boy for showing me how big my heart can grow and how much we need to do in this life. Many are called, but few will listen.
Rise up and take a stand, you can and will make a difference in this world.
Mourn with those that stand in need, and that's all of us. We all could use some more love, kindness and compassion. We all want to be accepted, validated and loved. Right?? I know I do.
The world has been quickly changing, at least in my neck of the woods. I know horrific things have happened all over the world, through out all of time, but lately, it really is getting pretty nasty. People are no respecters of persons, they lie, they cheat, they still and they kill. And sometimes for no good reason. This is not to say there is not good in the world, there is so much good and I see it daily!!
As a society, we are very unhealthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. We are way out of balance with God, with ourselves, with our children work and play. We don't know what is right or wrong anymore. We think bad is good and good is bad. We have lost our connection to one another and to our loving Heavenly Father. We have lost our compassion, our understanding and our hearts have turned cold.
I have seen so much hate pushed towards this woman whose child fell into the gorilla pit, my goodness where is the love? Probably more than any other time in this woman's life, she needs love and compassion. I know at a time like this, you are heartbroken, devastated and almost dead.....I honestly can't believe people are sooooo quick to judge after they hear a headlining news article without physically knowing the full story or the person. In my situation, they did a full investigation while my son was getting CPR performed on him. In his last moments on earth I was getting interrogated for possibly killing my child. I understand the reasoning, because evil parents do kill their precious children. I know when we die, we will be judged accordingly and based upon how we judged others. So lets pick someone up when they are almost dead themselves instead of push them further into the ground, sucking the life out of them even more......
Lets all come together and pray for your enemies, pray for the world, humanity and for yourselves. We all truly NEED God in heaven to throw down his wrath and help save us all. He is the master engineer of all things and in the end we will all know Him and his son Jesus Christ.
I feel my duty is to spread goodness, kindness, hope, love and compassion to others. I will continue to do this until my work is finished here upon the earth.
Thank you Ollie boy for showing me how big my heart can grow and how much we need to do in this life. Many are called, but few will listen.
Rise up and take a stand, you can and will make a difference in this world.
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
How to help after someone dies
I get so many text, emails and phone calls asking what ideas I have for helping someone who just lost a loved one. I usually write back with a few ideas on how to help. I have made a detailed list before, but I feel 4 years into this grieving business, it has changed a bit. So, here are my thoughts. Please do share this page. We all will experience some form of loss or death--- it's just part of life.
Right after the death happens:
-Send a quick text or email showing love and concern---if you don't send this message, the person will wonder why. I did. I really was hurt by some close people that didn't even mention the GIANT elephant in the room. It's so devastating to lose a loved one, especially a child and in such a shocking way. Lots of LOVE is needed to sustain the family dealing with this burden and every text is welcomed. What if everyone thought like you and said, "oh I don't want to bother them". Then the family would feel pretty lonely and unloved. The family probably wont answer you back and if they do consider yourself lucky, but keep checking in anyway.
-Do something, anything. Don't ask the family how you can help. They wont tell you and will say they are okay. No one likes to ask for help and most have a very hard time accepting it. Anything you do for the family will be very much appreciated and nothing is the wrong thing to do. Really I know ;)
-Offer to take pictures at the funeral and at the cemetery. Every picture will be so precious and important...even the casket ones, if they want this. A professional would be best, but any photos will do. It is usually the biggest event of ones life and lots of family and friends will be attending so pictures will be welcomed.
-Bring over paper goods so there will be no cooking and they can focus on what they need to. Bring with it finger foods, such as rolls, cheese and meat, granola bars, muffins, apples, grapes, oranges, trail mix--things to eat quickly but allows them to still get energy to do what they need to do. The family coming into town might not have time to go shopping, so this will really help.
-Offer to watch their children or pets so they can make funeral arrangements. There are so many details to work out, it's so exhausting and it all has to happen in a matter of a few days. There is no doing it over and most likely you have no idea what you are doing.
-Clean their house and put flowers all over while they are at the hospital so they will come home to a bunch of love. The day we left Ollie at the hospital and came home, we felt so empty and forlorn. We honestly didn't know what to do next and therefore it was very hard to make food, pay bills, and plan a funeral. Some sweet friends cleaned my house and it looked beautiful, but honestly I was a bit sad because I wanted to see the mess from the ER equipment, the toys Ollie played with, the last memories at home. But I totally appreciated it and think its a very healthy idea. I didn't have energy to clean it myself.
-If you are a close friend or family member, ask to help pay bills and organize this area of their life. The bills will keep piling up and it gets overwhelming, so a clear head might help the situation and relieve some stress.
-Start a fund account. Many funds take a portion, so I found the best way to send is directly to the families bank account. Most people don't expect a young death so they don't plan ahead. We had life insurance for Ollie but it was not enough because we had to fly to Utah and bury him, plus all the normal funeral costs.
-Offer the extended family to sleep at your house. They will have already paid a last minute expensive price for airfare so, if you can save them money on hotels this would greatly help out. Or offer your skymiles for the family to use. This will be greatly appreciated.
-If they have small children, buy a children's book on grief. Or make a special memory book for the child to have all the memories of their parent who passed away.
-If you have extra money and want to help out, you can offer to pay to print the programs, or pay for headstone, the burial site, or the casket. You can pay for the flowers, a funeral dress for the mom,or the dinner afterward for the family. You could pay for the plane tickets, the hotels, or the medical bills. It's so unfortunate after a loved one dies, the pain is so heavy and you feel as though you have lost everything, and then you are slapped with all these never ending bills that you never wanted. So monetary gifts are always appreciated and we received many.
I honestly don't know who did what at Ollie's funeral , but everything got done by all the people stepping up and doing something. Every little thing helps.
Some more ideas
-Mow their lawn
-Make sure their garbage gets out to the curb
-Bring over a home cooked meal
-Put up luminaries in their yard to honor their loved one
-Bring over cookies or brownies
-Offer to answer phone calls and the doorbell
-Send a fuel card
-Pray for the family
-Put their names on a prayer roll
A few weeks or months after the death:
-Take them out to lunch
-Keep checking in and showing love
-Offer to babysit so they can have a moment to grieve
-Bring over flowers to brighten their day
-Sit and listen while they cry or talk
-Say their loved ones name often
-Remember birthdays and special events
-Ask how they are really doing
-Don't expect them to keep commitments
-Don't be offended if they don't call you back
-Acknowledge that they are sad and having a hard time
-Send books on grief and loss
Right after the death happens:
-Send a quick text or email showing love and concern---if you don't send this message, the person will wonder why. I did. I really was hurt by some close people that didn't even mention the GIANT elephant in the room. It's so devastating to lose a loved one, especially a child and in such a shocking way. Lots of LOVE is needed to sustain the family dealing with this burden and every text is welcomed. What if everyone thought like you and said, "oh I don't want to bother them". Then the family would feel pretty lonely and unloved. The family probably wont answer you back and if they do consider yourself lucky, but keep checking in anyway.
-Do something, anything. Don't ask the family how you can help. They wont tell you and will say they are okay. No one likes to ask for help and most have a very hard time accepting it. Anything you do for the family will be very much appreciated and nothing is the wrong thing to do. Really I know ;)
-Offer to take pictures at the funeral and at the cemetery. Every picture will be so precious and important...even the casket ones, if they want this. A professional would be best, but any photos will do. It is usually the biggest event of ones life and lots of family and friends will be attending so pictures will be welcomed.
-Bring over paper goods so there will be no cooking and they can focus on what they need to. Bring with it finger foods, such as rolls, cheese and meat, granola bars, muffins, apples, grapes, oranges, trail mix--things to eat quickly but allows them to still get energy to do what they need to do. The family coming into town might not have time to go shopping, so this will really help.
-Offer to watch their children or pets so they can make funeral arrangements. There are so many details to work out, it's so exhausting and it all has to happen in a matter of a few days. There is no doing it over and most likely you have no idea what you are doing.
-Clean their house and put flowers all over while they are at the hospital so they will come home to a bunch of love. The day we left Ollie at the hospital and came home, we felt so empty and forlorn. We honestly didn't know what to do next and therefore it was very hard to make food, pay bills, and plan a funeral. Some sweet friends cleaned my house and it looked beautiful, but honestly I was a bit sad because I wanted to see the mess from the ER equipment, the toys Ollie played with, the last memories at home. But I totally appreciated it and think its a very healthy idea. I didn't have energy to clean it myself.
-If you are a close friend or family member, ask to help pay bills and organize this area of their life. The bills will keep piling up and it gets overwhelming, so a clear head might help the situation and relieve some stress.
-Start a fund account. Many funds take a portion, so I found the best way to send is directly to the families bank account. Most people don't expect a young death so they don't plan ahead. We had life insurance for Ollie but it was not enough because we had to fly to Utah and bury him, plus all the normal funeral costs.
-Offer the extended family to sleep at your house. They will have already paid a last minute expensive price for airfare so, if you can save them money on hotels this would greatly help out. Or offer your skymiles for the family to use. This will be greatly appreciated.
-If they have small children, buy a children's book on grief. Or make a special memory book for the child to have all the memories of their parent who passed away.
-If you have extra money and want to help out, you can offer to pay to print the programs, or pay for headstone, the burial site, or the casket. You can pay for the flowers, a funeral dress for the mom,or the dinner afterward for the family. You could pay for the plane tickets, the hotels, or the medical bills. It's so unfortunate after a loved one dies, the pain is so heavy and you feel as though you have lost everything, and then you are slapped with all these never ending bills that you never wanted. So monetary gifts are always appreciated and we received many.
I honestly don't know who did what at Ollie's funeral , but everything got done by all the people stepping up and doing something. Every little thing helps.
Some more ideas
-Mow their lawn
-Make sure their garbage gets out to the curb
-Bring over a home cooked meal
-Put up luminaries in their yard to honor their loved one
-Bring over cookies or brownies
-Offer to answer phone calls and the doorbell
-Send a fuel card
-Pray for the family
-Put their names on a prayer roll
-Have your child write a note to the siblings of the deceased
-If you don't know what to do, just offer a giant HUG!
A few weeks or months after the death:
-Take them out to lunch
-Keep checking in and showing love
-Offer to babysit so they can have a moment to grieve
-Bring over flowers to brighten their day
-Sit and listen while they cry or talk
-Say their loved ones name often
-Remember birthdays and special events
-Ask how they are really doing
-Don't expect them to keep commitments
-Don't be offended if they don't call you back
-Acknowledge that they are sad and having a hard time
-Send books on grief and loss
-Ask about their loved one that died, favorite things, personality, favorite memories, etc.
-Just be a constant friend
-Just be a constant friend
**Remember, everyone grieves differently and it is a life long journey. Let the person grieve how they need to and don't push them to "get over it already". They never will get over it. Never. And also some people might be offended by some of these things you do for them but that's just because they don't accept service well---like me and most of us. They really will appreciate all the love shown and the effort made.
***To everyone who helped carry us by doing most of these examples listed above, I thank you. We couldn't have made it with out the love and support. You truly helped carry our heavy burdens. We will pay it forward the rest of our lives. Thank you, we love you all! Please share these ideas so others experiencing trials may feel loved---and these acts can be done to anyone at anytime!
HONORING MY SWEET OLLIE KAI HEBB AND ALL OTHERS WHO HAVE PASSED ON
***To everyone who helped carry us by doing most of these examples listed above, I thank you. We couldn't have made it with out the love and support. You truly helped carry our heavy burdens. We will pay it forward the rest of our lives. Thank you, we love you all! Please share these ideas so others experiencing trials may feel loved---and these acts can be done to anyone at anytime!
HONORING MY SWEET OLLIE KAI HEBB AND ALL OTHERS WHO HAVE PASSED ON
Easter
This is the best time of the year to celebrate Jesus Christ and what he did for the world. It really is hard to understand and fathom what He really went through. Since I have a son who has passed on from this mortal life, I now look at life and Easter so differently. I never fully understood the ATONEMENT, Christs death and resurrection like I do now. Christ literally carried me through my grief and I have said this many times before but He broke the bands of time and space so He physically is walking with me (and You) through my pain. I believe there is always heavenly help when we are going through something so dark----that really is the only way we can see the light. Christ also rose from the dead and I know my sweet Ollie will one day in due time! Hurry up.
It has been 4 years.
Goodness.
My heart.
I catch myslef forgetting my past life.......with time, the memories fade, but the love never fades. Love is never ending and that I am thankful for. I just feel in my mamma heart that Ollie still loves me just the same as when he was alive. Love is something that will never die because it is an energy and we are all an energy. And energy is neither created or destroyed---science says so. So its true.
Time keeps on moving. The moment after Ollie took his last breath, I wanted time to stop. I wanted to yell to everyone that my precious son had just died. A life was taken from this earth. But many seemed to not even notice. Many seemed to still laugh, joke and carry on.
The more I live, I realize that everyone on earth is only in their personal shoes, we really don't know what anyone else is experiencing at that exact moment in time. No two situations are alike. I do believe we can help carry someone along and offer support in those dark days even if we truly have no idea what it feels like. And those people who have never experienced the loss of a child and still reach out to me. WOW. Can I just say, you are true angels on earth. Thank you Thank you!
So, people often ask me how I get through this extreme loss?
Well, to tell you the truth, I really don't feel like there is any other option for me. Some might feel they have options. But with what I know and feel and am, I only see it one way. To seek the light, seek hope, seek God, seek faith, seek goodness, seek happiness etc. Of course I lack hope at times but in general it has never fully left---the moment I was born it was in me.
Honestly, EVERY HUMAN on earth is born with the light of Christ--the Holy Ghost, the comforter, our conscience our inner guide.
By our choices or sometimes others, we often lose this light and it dims through out our life if we don't constantly feed it. Seek that which is seeking you---the light.
****
Sometimes I want to not think about deep things, but having a son in a place I don't know is rather exhausting. I fight daily to know, to see, to experience what he is.
One day Ollie will rise from his grave, I believe it will be on the morning of the first resurrection after Jesus Christ himself has again returned to the earth. I believe this really took place on earth and that Christ rose from the dead and Ollie will too!
Seek the light
It has been 4 years.
Goodness.
My heart.
I catch myslef forgetting my past life.......with time, the memories fade, but the love never fades. Love is never ending and that I am thankful for. I just feel in my mamma heart that Ollie still loves me just the same as when he was alive. Love is something that will never die because it is an energy and we are all an energy. And energy is neither created or destroyed---science says so. So its true.
Time keeps on moving. The moment after Ollie took his last breath, I wanted time to stop. I wanted to yell to everyone that my precious son had just died. A life was taken from this earth. But many seemed to not even notice. Many seemed to still laugh, joke and carry on.
The more I live, I realize that everyone on earth is only in their personal shoes, we really don't know what anyone else is experiencing at that exact moment in time. No two situations are alike. I do believe we can help carry someone along and offer support in those dark days even if we truly have no idea what it feels like. And those people who have never experienced the loss of a child and still reach out to me. WOW. Can I just say, you are true angels on earth. Thank you Thank you!
So, people often ask me how I get through this extreme loss?
Well, to tell you the truth, I really don't feel like there is any other option for me. Some might feel they have options. But with what I know and feel and am, I only see it one way. To seek the light, seek hope, seek God, seek faith, seek goodness, seek happiness etc. Of course I lack hope at times but in general it has never fully left---the moment I was born it was in me.
Honestly, EVERY HUMAN on earth is born with the light of Christ--the Holy Ghost, the comforter, our conscience our inner guide.
By our choices or sometimes others, we often lose this light and it dims through out our life if we don't constantly feed it. Seek that which is seeking you---the light.
****
Sometimes I want to not think about deep things, but having a son in a place I don't know is rather exhausting. I fight daily to know, to see, to experience what he is.
One day Ollie will rise from his grave, I believe it will be on the morning of the first resurrection after Jesus Christ himself has again returned to the earth. I believe this really took place on earth and that Christ rose from the dead and Ollie will too!
Seek the light
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
My Sweet Boy
I just miss Ollie.
I miss his tiny fat toes,
his messy blonde straggly hair,
his piercing blue eyes.
His sweet smell of burt's bees butter milk lotion,
those tiny little legs running quickly to see the rain,
that cute little bum in his spider man underwear.
I miss his snuggles as he backed into me,
his tiny voice that was so polite,
his watching, learning, and observing spirit.
***
Today, I have come so far since the horrific day I held sweet Ollie in my arms as he took his last fighting breathes here on earth.
My wounds are deep, raw and still festering, but they are healing.
slowly.
day by day.
still clinging to those last precious moments.
my heart wants to go back.
my mind knows I can not go back.
The loss left a giant, dark whole in my fragile heart.
The whole will never quite fill up entirely on this earth and will always be felt.
Once something is broken, it will never be the same, it is permanently changed.
But it can still be beautiful and fulfill its purpose.
Change is ok.
Change is sometimes needed.
Change allows you to see things form a different perspective.
Allowing your body and spirit to experience something so deep and raw allows you to really be awake.
really be breathing.
re-born.
a transformation.
new light.
One of my firsts kisses
In the darkness of it all, there is only hope becasue it cant get any darker that dark.
There is only light to look forward to.
Light will slowly enter through that tiny dark whole which was created from the loss.
This light can enter and only expand until you are filled with that burning, warming, and loving light.
It will brighten your spirit and your life.
You will see things in an eternal perspective with your new found eyes.
"Seek that light that is seeking you"
-Rumi
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
That Special Month.....
I haven't written much lately because I have been writing my feelings on Instagram.....but I never really express all of my feelings on there. This blog has been a great place for me to get my muffled thoughts out of my head and on to something more organized.
So, this month MARCH, the month Ollie transitioned into paradise, has already hit me like a ton of bricks. Its the very first day of March and I started off my morning very emotional and crying.....I couldn't figure out why. Then it hit me, ITS MARCH.
I just watched the movie, THE SECRET last night and it has already changed my thinking. I am sending out ONLY positive thoughts and feelings to the universe. Instead of dubbing this month the dreaded month, I'm now calling it the beautiful month of transition. Transition for us all. Ollie, me and my family. Today is the month of becoming new and having Ollie's death become a beautiful thing, even though it seems so ugly and dark.
Today my affirmations to the world, to heaven, to God and to you all are:
Today I bring peace and happiness into my home and life.
Today I thank God for what I have and all I am blessed with.
Today I only feel love, understanding, and acceptance.
Today I am healing and love myslef and who I am becoming.
Today is a beautiful day and I choose peace.
My journey through grief has been long, lonely, exhausting, painful, dark, hopeful, depressing, confusing, and so much more. I have seen good days and bad days, days filled with hope and with despair. But through it all, as I think back to the few first excruciating hours after Ollie died, I am amazed at how far I have come. Seriously, the pain is UNREAL and so so DEEP that it almost kills you. I can't even believe I didn't die and that I am actually smiling today. I really can't believe this. It is always crazy to me to think how your life can be so good one minute and the next it can be such hell. My healing has come day by day and I have always ridden the waves that ebbed and flowed. I am the kind of person who has liked to stare grief and pain straight in the face. I have never turned my back and for me this has worked very well in order to fully heal---I will never fully heal but to heal as well as I can until I hold my sweet Ollie.
If you are reading this and you have just lost a child or loved one, KNOW THIS,
You will be okay. You will keep breathing and you will one day smile again. I remember many mothers telling me this and I wanted to say, SHUT UP. But seriously, you will find the new normal for your unexpected and unwanted new life. The journey will be long and exhausting, but you will make the journey and there is always someone there to support you---other grieving people. The loss of a child is like non other. The pain is like non other, but you must fight through to become a warrior and in the end I think we will be STRONGER warriors than ever before our trial.
Keep going and know that I am praying for all the broken hearts out there! You can and will do this!
***
Here's to a beautiful month honoring my sweet boy who made me a mother!
***
I did a pocast with a friend who honors the hard work we do as mothers. Listen to my story HERE
So, this month MARCH, the month Ollie transitioned into paradise, has already hit me like a ton of bricks. Its the very first day of March and I started off my morning very emotional and crying.....I couldn't figure out why. Then it hit me, ITS MARCH.
I just watched the movie, THE SECRET last night and it has already changed my thinking. I am sending out ONLY positive thoughts and feelings to the universe. Instead of dubbing this month the dreaded month, I'm now calling it the beautiful month of transition. Transition for us all. Ollie, me and my family. Today is the month of becoming new and having Ollie's death become a beautiful thing, even though it seems so ugly and dark.
Today my affirmations to the world, to heaven, to God and to you all are:
Today I bring peace and happiness into my home and life.
Today I thank God for what I have and all I am blessed with.
Today I only feel love, understanding, and acceptance.
Today I am healing and love myslef and who I am becoming.
Today is a beautiful day and I choose peace.
My journey through grief has been long, lonely, exhausting, painful, dark, hopeful, depressing, confusing, and so much more. I have seen good days and bad days, days filled with hope and with despair. But through it all, as I think back to the few first excruciating hours after Ollie died, I am amazed at how far I have come. Seriously, the pain is UNREAL and so so DEEP that it almost kills you. I can't even believe I didn't die and that I am actually smiling today. I really can't believe this. It is always crazy to me to think how your life can be so good one minute and the next it can be such hell. My healing has come day by day and I have always ridden the waves that ebbed and flowed. I am the kind of person who has liked to stare grief and pain straight in the face. I have never turned my back and for me this has worked very well in order to fully heal---I will never fully heal but to heal as well as I can until I hold my sweet Ollie.
If you are reading this and you have just lost a child or loved one, KNOW THIS,
You will be okay. You will keep breathing and you will one day smile again. I remember many mothers telling me this and I wanted to say, SHUT UP. But seriously, you will find the new normal for your unexpected and unwanted new life. The journey will be long and exhausting, but you will make the journey and there is always someone there to support you---other grieving people. The loss of a child is like non other. The pain is like non other, but you must fight through to become a warrior and in the end I think we will be STRONGER warriors than ever before our trial.
Keep going and know that I am praying for all the broken hearts out there! You can and will do this!
***
Here's to a beautiful month honoring my sweet boy who made me a mother!
***
I did a pocast with a friend who honors the hard work we do as mothers. Listen to my story HERE
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Christmas
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
We had a very quiet and simple Christmas, which allowed us to reflect on the important things of this life and the true reason for us celebrating CHRISTmas.
Since Ollie died, life has more meaning--more depth. Every holiday, every birthday and every living moment is far more special because I know first hand how a memory can be a final one.
And how a breath can also be the last.
Ollie changed the course of my life forever, obviously.
 |
| Poppy giving food and money to Debbie--a sweet 62 year old woman without an eye, who lives in a tent. |
He opened my eyes to the beautiful meaning of life, he opened me up to feel
broken,
love,
crushed,
lonely,
peace,
trauma,
hope,
terror,
faith,
devastation
 |
| My sweet parents and brother always decorate Ollies spot with luminaries and sing silent night on Christmas eve....such a special tribute |
***
Today in church I bore a testimony that I know God (Heavenly Father) is the master engineer of this life. He knows what works, what doesn't and what is truly best--just like I do for my children. I am thankful Jesus Christ has not left me comfortless during my times of shear devastation and horror. The dark has lifted a tad and I am beginning to see some light--that doesn't mean the pain has left, but I do see hope in something greater in the life to come. I have an immovable testimony of this.
I can't help but thank all my sincere friends through-out the world who have continued to pray for our family and have done so many sweet act of kindness. You have truly carried our burdens that they may be light and walked with those that mourn.
Mosiah 18:8-10 (Book of Mormon--translated by Joseph Smith--the most correct book here upon the face of the earth--I believe this with all my heart)
8 And
it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of
Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses
of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be
in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered
with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—
10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?
And now I go forward with faith in the one true God, to serve my fellow men, that their burdens might be light!!!
Happy Sabbath Day!
***
What gives your life more depth?
***
Click Here to read more about why the fall of Adam and Eve is a blessing to all.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
This time of year
Missing a child who used to live on this earth and who was your everything, this time of year is just heart wrenching. It nearly breaks my heart to think of Ollie and who he was when he was here on this earth. The cute little things he did daily that were so special to me at the time. He was my first born, he made me a mother. He showed me unconditional love. He taught me what life was all about. He was my reason to wake up each morning.
Christmas time is supposed to be happy and filled with all the dear people in your life, right? Of course it is. A time of celebration for Jesus Christ and what he accomplished her on earth. As Chris and I remember Ollie and miss him with every fiber of our being, we do know that we will be reunited with him and live forever in his presence in the eternities.
Today at church while singing the beautiful hymns about JESUS CHRIST and ANGELS, I couldn't help but think my most perfect child was in the presence of these people we were only singing about here on earth. They were all together celebrating up above. Ollie is one of those angels. How special and glorious is this? I do feel pretty honored to have a child sitting on the right hand of the man we sing about and try to be like and desire to return to. My Ollie is already there!!! Many of my friends and family all seek this gift. Today Chris and I just couldn't hold back the tears as Loxxley looked at a picture book of Ollie. The songs were sung about glorious places and angels and God and we both knew Ollie is in this glorious places we only sing about.
We sure miss our child who once laughed and played with us. We do know he is doing much more important and special things in heaven. He is needed there and we can't wait for the wonderful reunion with him.
The other day I saw a video of one of my friends who returned home from an LDS mission. The missionary first hugged him mom, the hug was so endearing and both were holding on and not wanting to let go. You could tell that both of their hearts were one and they felt complete joy at that very moment in time. I long for that with Ollie. I have visions of it happening and I know it will be the most amazing and joyful experience. EVER.
I still can't believe my son who once roamed the earth is no longer here. I will never accept it, but I will learn to deal with it and see the beauty in my other children. Until the day of resurrection, I hold firm to the faith in the plan of salvation. https://www.lds.org/topics/plan-of-salvation?lang=eng
Christmas time is supposed to be happy and filled with all the dear people in your life, right? Of course it is. A time of celebration for Jesus Christ and what he accomplished her on earth. As Chris and I remember Ollie and miss him with every fiber of our being, we do know that we will be reunited with him and live forever in his presence in the eternities.
Today at church while singing the beautiful hymns about JESUS CHRIST and ANGELS, I couldn't help but think my most perfect child was in the presence of these people we were only singing about here on earth. They were all together celebrating up above. Ollie is one of those angels. How special and glorious is this? I do feel pretty honored to have a child sitting on the right hand of the man we sing about and try to be like and desire to return to. My Ollie is already there!!! Many of my friends and family all seek this gift. Today Chris and I just couldn't hold back the tears as Loxxley looked at a picture book of Ollie. The songs were sung about glorious places and angels and God and we both knew Ollie is in this glorious places we only sing about.
We sure miss our child who once laughed and played with us. We do know he is doing much more important and special things in heaven. He is needed there and we can't wait for the wonderful reunion with him.
The other day I saw a video of one of my friends who returned home from an LDS mission. The missionary first hugged him mom, the hug was so endearing and both were holding on and not wanting to let go. You could tell that both of their hearts were one and they felt complete joy at that very moment in time. I long for that with Ollie. I have visions of it happening and I know it will be the most amazing and joyful experience. EVER.
I still can't believe my son who once roamed the earth is no longer here. I will never accept it, but I will learn to deal with it and see the beauty in my other children. Until the day of resurrection, I hold firm to the faith in the plan of salvation. https://www.lds.org/topics/plan-of-salvation?lang=eng
I thank Jesus for enduring what he did for you and I, so we may live forever in his presence with God.
***
I just can't help but share my solid testimony in heaven, God, Jesus, plan of salvation, priesthood powers, eternal life, hope, Book of Mormon....etc. I have had to dig deep to truly believe these things after Ollie died. I believe them with all my heart.
P.s. My faith has never been this way until Ollie passed on to this place I have learned about all my life.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Leading Me?
Is it possible for your child to lead you?
I believe so.
Because Poppy does this so often for me.
She is just so darn precious and is enlightened daily.
I find myself yelling or getting way too dang upset.
Then she calms me down and puts her hands on my face, strokes my hair, or kisses me a lot.
She is so in tune with her mother getting too upset that she can see when I need comfort.
Amazing.
Just the other day she told me that she really didn't want to grow up that fast.
She just wanted to stay small.
I think I have been hard on her because I have been hard on myself.
I am mad at the situation I can not fix---Ollie's death if you don't already know, is the big elephant in the room.
Our circumstances have made her grow up way too fast---poor little girl.
and frankly I don't really remember details about the last 2 years.
I feel bad but I do know I showed her so much love.
And she knows how much we love her!!
Grief.
It just makes life so interesting and confusing.
I believe Ollie is also guiding me from heaven above. I am following his light, his strength and his example. Because of his death, I am a stronger more faith driven mom. I want to be like him--as I know he is perfected and flying free.
One day I will unite with my sweet Ollie and hold until forever.
Can't wait.
^^^^^
Btw, did I mention it is still so weird and unbelievable that Ollie really died.
I will never believe it.
My sweet sweet little love.
My sweet sweet little love.
My head just can't seem to understand.
Is this because my spirit knows he is still very close?
He is still just as much here as when he had his body---my eyes are just closed to his spirit.
The veil is thin, but oh so thick.
Special moments with our ANGEL
Yesterday Chris and Poppy took our beautiful new Alaskan Malamute on a walk in the mountains behind our house. They all had some great bonding time while Loxxley and I played at home. Chris sent me this treasured video of Poppy, talking about her drawing in the dirt being Ollie's spirit and she wants to remember him. And also about the moments before she was born, Ollie was with her and he was at the gates.
As I was giving birth to Poppy, 1 month after Ollie went to heaven, Chris and I both envisioned that same thing at the exact same moment in time. As Poppy was descending down the birth canal and into what we call earth, Ollie was in heaven holding her hand and letting her be with us....they held hands until the very last moment. Chris and I both had this vision and talked about it after her birth.....no coincidences here.
What?
How could Poppy know this about Ollie and the gates?
She would only know what we all experienced, if it really happened...Chris and I have never mentioned this story to her.
This story was so precious to Chris and I and is just another testament that Ollie is alive and lives on--because sometimes it is just so hard to have this faith when I can not physically hold or see my 2 year old child.....
Poppy and Ollie communicate, I know they do.
He is still in our every day lives and we know he watches over us.
I often hear Poppy giggling in her room and of course I have to go in and see what she's doing. She is usually dancing and looking in the mirror while she twirls and giggles loudly. The same day as the 'Ollie's spirit in the dirt day', Poppy said that she dances with Ollie and he twirls her around!!!
Oh how happy this makes me, I just had to share all of this.
My heart feels so much love for their relationship that they still have. I have been trying to be very aware of Ollie being near to us, because I know he is. I want to be in tune with his presence.
***
Before Ollie passed on to the next faze of eternity, I believed in coincidences. Now, I believe only in divine intervention. I believe that GOD is the master engineer and for life to run accordingly, the very finest details are worked out. Even the EXACT moment we will take our last breath or our first. Everything really does happen for a reason at the exact moment it was supposed to. If it were meant for Ollie to survive, he would have. Yes, it was a horrific accident, and if it were meant for me to be inspired as a mother, I would have found him sooner and been able to revive him---not the case, so I do believe our days are numbered here upon this earth and who was meant to live shall live.
***
What is living anyway?
Some people go through this life half dead...they truly are walking dead.
Are you walking dead through the motions of this life, or are you truly living?
Ollie is living, he is alive in our home and in the heavens, thanks to the one and only JESUS CHRIST.
GET OUT AND LIVE.
As I was giving birth to Poppy, 1 month after Ollie went to heaven, Chris and I both envisioned that same thing at the exact same moment in time. As Poppy was descending down the birth canal and into what we call earth, Ollie was in heaven holding her hand and letting her be with us....they held hands until the very last moment. Chris and I both had this vision and talked about it after her birth.....no coincidences here.
What?
How could Poppy know this about Ollie and the gates?
She would only know what we all experienced, if it really happened...Chris and I have never mentioned this story to her.
This story was so precious to Chris and I and is just another testament that Ollie is alive and lives on--because sometimes it is just so hard to have this faith when I can not physically hold or see my 2 year old child.....
Poppy and Ollie communicate, I know they do.
He is still in our every day lives and we know he watches over us.
I often hear Poppy giggling in her room and of course I have to go in and see what she's doing. She is usually dancing and looking in the mirror while she twirls and giggles loudly. The same day as the 'Ollie's spirit in the dirt day', Poppy said that she dances with Ollie and he twirls her around!!!
Oh how happy this makes me, I just had to share all of this.
My heart feels so much love for their relationship that they still have. I have been trying to be very aware of Ollie being near to us, because I know he is. I want to be in tune with his presence.
***
Before Ollie passed on to the next faze of eternity, I believed in coincidences. Now, I believe only in divine intervention. I believe that GOD is the master engineer and for life to run accordingly, the very finest details are worked out. Even the EXACT moment we will take our last breath or our first. Everything really does happen for a reason at the exact moment it was supposed to. If it were meant for Ollie to survive, he would have. Yes, it was a horrific accident, and if it were meant for me to be inspired as a mother, I would have found him sooner and been able to revive him---not the case, so I do believe our days are numbered here upon this earth and who was meant to live shall live.
***
What is living anyway?
Some people go through this life half dead...they truly are walking dead.
Are you walking dead through the motions of this life, or are you truly living?
Ollie is living, he is alive in our home and in the heavens, thanks to the one and only JESUS CHRIST.
GET OUT AND LIVE.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
The Season
Chris and I have enjoyed the moments we get to spend with each other and the children, well two of our children!
These are the moments we live for.
We recently went to Napa for Thanksgiving. Always a fun time there with family and food--two of our favorite things!
Haight and Ashburry Street
A small crumpet for a cute girl
Yep, you are seeing it, I am nursing in San Fran. I am being discrete and modest about it, but really would anyone care in San Francisco?
First picture I feel okay about sharing since Ollie died...here we are, we are still alive and trying to thrive!
***
Book of Mormon-Moroni verse 5
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Nothing makes it better
Nothing will make death of your child in this life better.
Nothing.
Really.
Yes there are things that lessen the pain like having more children and having faith and hope in seeing them again, going on beautiful adventures, watching the sunset.
But seriously.
Nothing makes it better.
All these things are wonderful but when a piece of your heart is gone--you long for something more--your precious precious child.
I still get those panic attacks deep inside my chest that won't release themselves. They take my breath away and I feel like I'm suffocating. They are heavy and crippling. It's very hard to breathe. It's like nothing else I have EVER experienced.
Sometimes I just sit and stare off and wonder how my life got this way? I never imagined in all of my life a person could feel such pain. Such loss. Such despair. Such longing. Wow. It's overly INTENSE to say the least.
It makes me think, we need to have more compassion for what someone is going through in this life. What trials they face and smile through. We do not know someone's pain unless we have traveled that road. Jesus Christ is the only human/God to have done this--the only one who has physically lifted my pain from my chest.
Let's be more loving.
More compassionate and accepting.
Judge not that ye be not judged. I tell my self this 100 times a day.
**and holidays or any kind of family gathering alway make me miss my boy more...
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Thanksgiving is not a one day holiday, it is a lifestyle for happy people!!!
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Inspiring woman!
Wouldn't you all agree, that some of the most courageous and inspiring people have been through some of the worst things?
I truly believe that by our trials we can be made stronger than ever before--at least this is what I tell myslef so I don't lose hope.
It is rather interesting to me that when you are in the deepest and darkest places, you can still see a glimmer of light.
And you can eventuality find that light to lift you to a higher existence.
Sometimes that glimmer is from someone else pulling you up and giving you a part of their strength until you gain yours.
This is a real thing that happen.
Carrying one anothers burdens.
Time and time again, after Ollie passed on, I was so depressed and life looked so dark.
I lost a lot of hope and was so weak.
Then something would change, either by someone sending a text of hope, or a card in the mail, a giant hug when they saw me, a meaningful book, a memento to remind me of Ollie, or the many prayers offered.
All these things have sustained me in my grief until I have been able to walk on my own.
It has been a lonely journey and very personal.
Not one other soul can take it from me--except Jesus Christ.
Many times I pleaded with Him to remove my pain and He really did.
I believe our trials will make us stronger!!
Share your hardships--don't' keep things in, you never know who needs your example.
^^^^^
So, some inspiring woman that have helped me see some light and are a positive influence for good in this often dark world.
These woman are amazing.
Thank you for your influence in my life!
You are so courageous.
Stephanie Nielson
She was badly burned in an plane crash and lived to take care of her 5 children.
She is doing great things with her tragedy and inspiring many mothers.
Read about her daily struggles.
Carey Lohrenz
First woman F14 Tomcat fighter pilot for the navy.
She is an amzing speaker and encourages every woman to be their best selves.
The skies the limit.
She is one tough chick.
Nicole Rasmussen
She is a blind mother who does everything you and I do as mothers.
She is truly amazing in every way and her story brought me a lot of HOPE.
Read how she makes dinner every night---blind.
Turia Pitt
She was in a bush fire at a marathon.
She is beautiful inside and out.
Turia is doing so much with her unfortunate circumstance and blessing lives.
These are just a few woman I follow online and they inspire to be my best self!
You should be your best self too.
You are loved.
You are beautiful
and
you are of Godly decent.
Rise to your potential!
Monday, November 2, 2015
You are stonger than you thought
My two boys!
Both boys are the same age here!
I love dressing Loxxley in Ollie's clothes.
All day yesterday I felt like Loxx was really Ollie- I kept doing a double take to see if it was really OLLIE!
It was this weird feeling-but very neat too.
The truth is, Ollie lives on in my children.
I see him and feel him through them.
I still keep Ollies clothes in the dresser and in the closet-he is still a member of our daily life.
Might sound crazy to you.
But for me it's healing and just perfect.
I often put his underwear or the unwashed clothing on my face and take a deep breathe in, crying quickly before Poppy comes in needing something, as I think of his soul and ask him to be near--I never let anyone see me doing this...ha ha, might look pretty weird.
Can you picture it now?
Undies on my head as I'm sniffing them?
***
Grieving the death of a child is intense.
it's unnatural.
it's unfair.
and it hurts.
We don't have any guidelines for this pain.
and nothing could ever prepare us for this catastrophic event.
Do what brings healing into your life.
Do what feels right to you individually.
Acknowledge the pain, the sorrow, the loss.
Turn directly to it, embrace it with open arms and jump over it.
This is where you will find the most healing.
YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
//What crazy things do you do to help you heal//
***
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die."
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die."
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Left Behind???
That shear panic sets in as you
thought you left your child behind at the grocery store.
Have you ever experienced this?
I'm sure you all have had some taste of this panic?
Now times that by 90.
Let me tell you, it's INTENSE.
Horror.
Worry.
Distress.
Shock.
Disbelief.
Panic.
Helplessness.
Yep, that's exactly what grief feels
like every--stinkin--single--day--but it does change through out the day and through out the years. Some days it is this intense, but hopefully not every waking minute.
Your broken heart aches constantly and you feel
anxiety to the core of your being, because something is wrong and you just can't seem to ever fix it.
As mothers, we like to fix things.
RIGHT?
Especially with our sweet children.
I remember walking out of that cold
hospital after we unwillingly took Ollie off life support, and not knowing what to do next.
I felt oh so helpless and scared. I didn't want this for my life and wanted it
to be fixed right away.
There is no fixing of this heavy burden called, grief.
It will be carried on your heart and in your
life always and forever until you take your last breath.
Makes me pretty depressed actually to
think about this.
How is one expected to live with
the feeling of a rat chewing on your insides, or the feeling of bricks placed upon your chest not allowing for a full breathe in?
and you just have to deal
with it?
It's nearly impossible.
and you almost die yourself because
of it.
It creeps up at every holiday-as today is Halloween,
at birthday celebrations and every family party.
Not much helps.
Time heals, I guess.
or do the memories just fade?
Its rather sad if you ask me.
^^^^^^^^^^
One thing I hold onto with an iron fist and I will never let go of, is the fact of seeing Ollie again one day. And I do know he is always a prayer away. I try to be in-tune so I may feel him daily!
Grief just molds you into something new.
I am a new human because of GRIEF.
And hope to one day be a beautiful piece of work before my death.
And hope to one day be a beautiful piece of work before my death.
PLEASE SHARE YOUR DESCRIPTIONS OF GRIEF OR LOSS
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)