The light

Today I was driving in the car listening to the music really loud, which I hardly ever do, but today I just needed to yell out the song and let some steam off. After the song was over I was thinking back to right after Ollie died---as I do daily.  It seemed as if I had been encapsulated in a power of light.  I couldn't even begin to think about talking negatively about anyone, listen to loud music that did't sound like angels singing, swear or watch any violence on the TV.  It seemed as if I was only seeking positive things and this pure light. I wanted only happy things to surround me. It was pretty blissful even though I felt and still feel this deep heartbreaking pain.

Now.....

that spirit of extreme goodness is slowly leaving me. I am not saying I'm now bad, but the pureness that was felt and carried along with me is fading a bit and I don't like it.  

I think, when others hear about a child tragically passing on, they tend to pray constantly for that family---those prayers are felt and surround the family.  Chris and I literally felt those prayers....there are not even words to describe the power, but we were physically carried by many angels--here on earth and angels not of this world.

Simply Amazing..... 

I loved all those feelings of blissfulness, I really do, but I do believe that is not of this world. I did get a sweet taste of heaven and the eternities and I can't wait for those days again when I transfer to the heavens to be with my children and family! 

^^^^^^

So, lets be honest......our society is so confused. I get confused too, as to what is right and wrong. I feel as if people are denying the very thought of heaven, God, eternities, faith, hope, love, self respect, the belief in angels, eternal life, families, and themselves.....they seem to be turning to what is cool or socially acceptable at that moment. 

EMOTION IS LOST.

I have felt this burning inside of my body to share my strong conviction of HEAVEN, GOD, and ETERNITY.....It is all for real and my son lives there. I can't help but seek a place I long to go and reside with my son.

Have you ever asked if these things are really true on your knees with a pure heart????

I have.

And they burn with in my entire body.  

I seek that perfect light my son is resinating.

I seek heaven, that place I will enter someday soon.

I seek God and Jesus Christ, the masters of the Universe.

and you should too.

We can seek all theses things and still, we are all imperfect......Since time began, man has seeked the heavens.

My peanuts bring me into the light!

too uncomfortable?

((FYI: I am a grieving mom who expresses myself openly and freely. This does not mean I need counseling or that I'm not doing ok. And this is not an exact story that took place--it's how I feel inside. And it's healthy to express this))

You avoid me because its just too uncomfortable???

Death, dying, drowning....
 
You have never talked about my son since the day he died.

We just carried on like nothing had happened while you talked about the color you wanted to paint you kitchen...not one mention about Ollie's accident---the giant elephant in the room, or so I thought.

Never even once asked how I am really doing.

It's just too damn awkward and uncomfortable....so you avoid it ALL together.

Are you kidding me?

Too uncomfortable for you, how could this be? You should have seen how uncomfortable it was to find your precious child almost dead?

You didn't find you child lifeless in that cursed washing machine or have to yank his fragile body out of it--I sure hope no one every experiences this heart crushing pain.

Did you wail while your child was blue, cold and lifeless as doctors tried with all their power to save your precious son?

Nope. You didn't.

Boy, was all that uncomfortable and unwanted.

Have you ever felt this immense pain while your child gasped for 6 long hours while he slowly took his last breathes in your arms---as you wept to the heavens?

Oh, its just too UNCOMFORTABLE. I see.

And still you don't even mention this horrific elephant that is all encompassing and debilitating.

And when you saw me you didn't just wrapped your arms around me and hold me up from falling from exhaustion---you barley said a hello because it was just too damn awkward.

wow, I mourn in my disbelief at the disconnection.

I thought you could see and feel my pain?

Nope you couldn't.

I just don't understand your lack of showing concern.....

I do pardon you though...you just must not fully understand the loss of a child--and I hope you NEVER do.

^^^^^

I seriously am in aw at how detached we are from our spirits. I can not believe we don't just hug each other all the time. We are all going through so much in this life. Many of us are just way.too.stiff. and closed off.

I get it. You are just not used to touch, hugging, and opening up your heart......that can change. We all need more love...especially after holding your child as they die. Grieving is so intense, I thought my body would fall apart and cease to function. and still, not many hugs were offered.

How is this possible?

I can guarantee there are so many people out there that just need a gigantic hug. Get outside of your comfort zone, your bubble, your shell and give a much needed hug! Do it!

Go HUG someone!

(((And this is why I feel compelled to reach out and hug my grieving mothers as I hear of their horrible tragedy.))))

>>>>>MAY WE ALL CONNECT AT A DEEPER LEVEL TODAY.
>>>>>>>>and a giant shout out to a select few who have grabbed me and held me up as I cried in your arms...and all my cyber friends and family who wish to hug me but can't. I love you all!!