Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We had a very quiet and simple Christmas, which allowed us to reflect on the important things of this life and the true reason for us celebrating CHRISTmas. 

Since Ollie died, life has more meaning--more depth. Every holiday, every birthday and every living moment is far more special because I know first hand how a memory can be a final one.

And how a breath can also be the last.

Ollie changed the course of my life forever, obviously. 

Poppy giving food and money to Debbie--a sweet 62 year old woman without an eye, who lives in a tent.

 He opened my eyes to the beautiful meaning of life, he opened me up to feel 

broken,

love,

crushed, 

lonely,

peace,

trauma,

hope,

terror,

faith,

devastation

and many other polar opposite feelings that remind me, I am still alive and breathing--and for that I am thankful. Most of these feelings I had never experienced at such a deep level. When Adam and Eve fell in the garden, it brought about opposition in all things. It brought about sorrow and joy, pleasure and pain, sickness and health. When I first experienced these terrible feelings of grief and hopelessness, I was so thankful when I could feel any bit of happiness--even though it was underlined with an awful feeling.  I kind of think grief may always be like this, an underlying feeling of longing or heaviness. As for me, 3.5 years after Ollie's death, I am still feeling the heaviness and loneliness of his physical presence. Life will never be the same, ever.  I am thankful to Ollie and Heavenly Father for allowing me to love even deeper than I ever thought possible. My love, faith and hope have all increased, due to my personal pleads of soul searching.

My sweet parents and brother always decorate Ollies spot with luminaries and sing silent night on Christmas eve....such a special tribute

***

Today in church I bore a testimony that I know God (Heavenly Father) is the master engineer of this life. He knows what works, what doesn't and what is truly best--just like I do for my children. I am thankful Jesus Christ has not left me comfortless during my times of shear devastation and horror. The dark has lifted a tad and I am beginning to see some light--that doesn't mean the pain has left, but I do see hope in something greater in the life to come. I have an immovable testimony of this.

I can't help but thank all my sincere friends through-out the world who have continued to pray for our family and have done so many sweet act of kindness. You have truly carried our burdens that they may be light and walked with those that mourn.

 Mosiah 18:8-10 (Book of Mormon--translated by Joseph Smith--the most correct book here upon the face of the earth--I believe this with all my heart)

 8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

And now I go forward with faith in the one true God, to serve my fellow men, that their burdens might be light!!!

Happy Sabbath Day!

***

What gives your life more depth?

***
Click Here to read more about why the fall of Adam and Eve is a blessing to all.

Happy

That last picture and post was a lot....it was HEAVY-I know....but needed. For me, and for you all.  I have always been someone who seeks self improvment daily---I do understand some do not wish to change or do better...I think it's ignorant, but that's just my thoughts.

So much love came out of the last post. THANK YOU! I feel your love. And I love you all deeply.

I needed to see something HAPPY now on my blog.....

Ollie, my little gentle peanut, who loved pretzels just like his daddy and other siblings. Keep inspiring us all to be better and kinder. Help us to live a better life because we knew you and your love for all things. Your sweetest was too pure and too lovely for this earth. Rest my child until I hold you again. Please stay near your family and those who love you. And keep being the best guardian a momma could ask for!

^^^^^^^^^

The biggest thing I have learned form grief is to keep living. I have to keep going. I have to keep breathing, serving and loving......and fighting.

Need some hope, click the link...
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/doors-of-death?lang=eng

HEART

How do you repair a broken heart?

Where do you begin?

Do you start picking up the tiny, shattered pieces?

Is it even really possible to mend?

Will it ever be the same heart again?

Please share!

I experienced such pain the moment I found Ollie dead that I thought I might die too. It was more horrific than I have words to describe.  From others who have experienced such loss---this is totally normal. I can tell you it really really sucks and is awful but, you can survive through this pain.

Here is a link to an actual cause of death---A Broken Heart
http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp

Not just the good

Social media gets me down often, as I know it does many of you. I have mentioned many times before, we all usually only see the good. Well, on my blog I have tried to create a space for me and everyone reading to see the ugly, the real, and the raw. There is so much beauty in life, but there is also opposition in all things. The ugly sometimes may just help someone else not feel so alone and so this is the reason I share such personal things to the world.

As I have also mentioned before, I thought my marriage would be my 'big issue' in life. I thought I would work the rest of my days trying to have a happy, successful marriage.....well, other gigantic trials have crept up in my face, you all know them by now, Ollie's death and having a preemie, little Loxx.

Well, those two giant trials in my journey are still very real and present in my every day life, as well as my marriage hanging by threads at times, and that's because I am barley hanging to life, at times by a thread. I love my husband, Christopher James, with all my heart. We chose each other to raise three children with, to spend our lives and the eternities together. I know our souls must have made a previous connection in the pre-existence, out of all the people on this planet, we chose each other. Anyway, we definitely have our issues, we always have, and everyone always does. Some just have bigger ones than others. We see so many things differently. But one thing that has never lacked in our marriage is, LOVE. We have always loved each other. To be honest, we have almost separated several times, it has not been an easy road to ride on. For me personally, I have always tackled this decision to fight to stay married when things got crazy, with prayer. I have always been inspired and lead the right way. I know God will not lead me astray. The higher power is needed in our ever changing, and oh so scary world. Marriage and life in general, are so difficult. We must not give up until we are told differently. We must fight on and keep fighting this earthly battle until we are called home to our Father in Heaven.

And GRIEF, this heavy five letter word, just intensifies everything that may have been a small problem in your life before. Dang. It's rough.
My goodness.
How I miss this precious boy.......

Some days like yesterday, I begin to crumble at the seams, everything upsets me, everything is sad and I hate the world and myself. I miss Ollie so much that I think my heart might burst right out of my fragile body, my breath becomes weak and shallow, I can't seem to get a breath in, I let out a wailing sob, oh my little boy......then, I somehow see the beauty and get a breath of fresh air, the sun sets and it's a new day. A new day to feel renewed love, peace and strength. I keep going, keep fighting---even though I want to die.


^^^^^

Chris was talking to a co-worker the other day about Ollie's story and also Loxxley's....This guy said his good friend had a preemie with many problems, and then decided to take his own life. He just couldn't handle the situation. It was just too much.

I think Chris and I are doing pretty well given our situation, I guess.

This doesn't mean we don't fight daily or hourly to not drown in our grief, pain, sadness, or heartache.

Today we mightily fight on with a sweet angel by our side.....