Ok already

Thoughts....

How much can one person endure?

Not quite sure, but it sure is 

a lot.

way more than I could have ever imagined or thought humanly possible.

The human body and spirit are so resilient, but so fragile all at the same time.

I thought after watching your child fight between this life and heaven for 30 hours, that would be a free ticket to a peaceful rest of your life.

Not quite so.

Chris and I were talking the other night about how we both agreed we were well over out breaking point before all these complications started happening with this pregnancy. 

So now what?

We just continue

breaking, 

fighting, 

enduring, 

struggling,

trusting, 

and

hoping....

Not any easy thing to find deep within your very fibers of your soul.

What do you do when you want to give up?

crumble.

How do you keep going?

How do you find beauty again?

How do you persevere and endure this life?

Where does that strength come from?

I guess my personal strength comes from 

Ollie, God, strangers, family, hope.

//please share with me where you find strength to make it through your hardest times, 

your lowest times, how you endure//

****

The last few days I have wanted to give up.

I have wanted this baby out of my body and wanted to run away.

My heart hurts so intensly as I try to sort through my deep feelings of 

GRIEF-of losing my precious 2 year old in such a tragic and horrific way that no person should ever see or experience. and yet here we are again fighting for another child to live with us on earth. 

I hope God grants us this wish, this hope, this child, this miracle, this prayer.

I am not shy to say that I think Chris and I really deserve a little break here.

I have been having another one of my pity parties...I can tell you, they aren't very fun.

Again, 

Thank you 

Thank you

 for your prayers, I can not deny the power of them, as they are carrying us when we are so weak.

//xoxo//

Tiff, 

thanks for listening

•••27 weeks•••

Sunday November 17, 2013

OHSU

A quick update:

Yesterday the doctors talked as if we might meet our baby and to prepare for a possible delivery.  I have been bleeding more and more.  I guess when a woman bleeds this much after her membranes are completely ruptured, she will shortly go into labor. Well, not in my case this is my third big bleed. I just keep bleeding. They keep checking my clotting factor and blood levels and they have been normal! The baby appears to be fine through all of this and continues to grow!!!  So proud of this little babe. So, they have continue to watch me and peanut closely. There is a fine line to walk for the docs, of course they want to keep the baby in my tummy as long as possible, but they also don't want to wait until my placenta pulls away completely from the uterus and cuts off the babies oxygen and nutrient supply. Then things would get scary.... We still don't know when the baby or my body will decide to make known what's going to happen, but I know the time will present itself. Until then, waiting and praying. 

The neonatologists came in to talk to Chris and I today and give us the current survival statistics. It just so happened to be the same guy who spoke with us the very first night of our arrival. The odds seemed pretty horrible then and now as we talked with him, the odds were very reassuring and hopeful. We wanted to be

informed on what we could now expect since we have made it to 27 weeks. He basically said there is no graff because the chance of survival is so high, like 95%, of course the morbitiy rate is still present, but significantly decreases. He was very hopeful that they have many amazing doctors and with their knowledge and equipment they can help this baby make it through the first few months of life. We are so happy. Yes, it will be a long journey, but a hopeful one.  When the baby arrives we can plan on it being in NICU until it's due date, Februrary 15th. 

Our date tonight....

We Snuggled and ate yummy food from the famous, Lardos. When Chris went to pick up the food, the lady at the restraunt gave Chris 2 cookies, homemade chips, quinoa salad and 2 delicious sandwiches for $13.00. She felt bad I was in the hospital....so nice!

Forward on to 28 weeks!!!!