Leading Me?

Is it possible for your child to lead you?

I believe so.

Because Poppy does this so often for me.

She is just so darn precious and is enlightened daily.

I find myself yelling or getting way too dang upset.

Then she calms me down and puts her hands on my face, strokes my hair, or kisses me a lot.

She is so in tune with her mother getting too upset that she can see when I need comfort.

Amazing.

Just the other day she told me that she really didn't want to grow up that fast. 

She just wanted to stay small.

I think I have been hard on her because I have been hard on myself.

 I am mad at the situation I can not fix---Ollie's death if you don't already know, is the big elephant in the room.

Our circumstances have made her grow up way too fast---poor little girl. 

and frankly I don't really remember details about the last 2 years.

I feel bad but I do know I showed her so much love. 

And she knows how much we love her!! 

Grief.

It just makes life so interesting and confusing.

I believe Ollie is also guiding me from heaven above. I am following his light, his strength and his example. Because of his death, I am a stronger more faith driven mom. I want to be like him--as I know he is perfected and flying free. 

One day I will unite with my sweet Ollie and hold until forever.

Can't wait.

^^^^^

Btw, did I mention it is still so weird and unbelievable that Ollie really died.

I will never believe it.
My sweet sweet little love.

My head just can't seem to understand.

Is this because my spirit knows he is still very close?

He is still just as much here as when he had his body---my eyes are just closed to his spirit.

The veil is thin, but oh so thick.

You are stonger than you thought

My two boys!

Both boys are the same age here!

I love dressing Loxxley in Ollie's clothes.

All day yesterday I felt like Loxx was really Ollie- I kept doing a double take to see if it was really OLLIE! 

It was this weird feeling-but very neat too.

The truth is, Ollie lives on in my children. 

I see him and feel him through them.

I still keep Ollies clothes in the dresser and in the closet-he is still a member of our daily life.  

Might sound crazy to you.

But for me it's healing and just perfect.

  I often put his underwear or the unwashed clothing on my face and take a deep breathe in, crying quickly before Poppy comes in needing something, as I think of his soul and ask him to be near--I never let anyone see me doing this...ha ha, might look pretty weird. 

 Can you picture it now? 

Undies on my head as I'm sniffing them?

***

Grieving the death of a child is intense.

it's unnatural.

it's unfair.

 and it hurts.

We don't have any guidelines for this pain.

and nothing could ever prepare us for this catastrophic event.

Do what brings healing into your life.

Do what feels right to you individually.

Acknowledge the pain, the sorrow, the loss.

Turn directly to it, embrace it with open arms and jump over it.

This is where you will find the most healing.


YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE

//What crazy things do you do to help you heal// 

***

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die." 

Left Behind???

That shear panic sets in as you thought you left your child behind at the grocery store.

Have you ever experienced this?

I'm sure you all have had some taste of this panic?

Now times that by 90.

Let me tell you, it's INTENSE.

Horror.

Worry.

Distress.

Shock.

Disbelief.

Panic.

Helplessness.

Yep, that's exactly what grief feels like every--stinkin--single--day--but it does change through out the day and through out the years. Some days it is this intense, but hopefully not every waking minute.

Your broken heart aches constantly and you feel anxiety to the core of your being, because something is wrong and you just can't seem to ever fix it.

As mothers, we like to fix things. 

RIGHT?

 Especially with our sweet children.

 I remember walking out of that cold hospital after we unwillingly took Ollie off life support, and not knowing what to do next. I felt oh so helpless and scared. I didn't want this for my life and wanted it to be fixed right away.

There is no fixing of this heavy burden called,  grief.

It will be carried on your heart and in your life always and forever until you take your last breath.

Makes me pretty depressed actually to think about this.

How is one expected to live with the  feeling of a rat chewing on your insides, or the feeling of bricks placed upon your chest not allowing for a full breathe in? 

and you just have to deal with it?

It's nearly impossible.

and you almost die yourself because of it.

It creeps up at every holiday-as today is Halloween, at birthday celebrations and every family party.

Not much helps.

Time heals, I guess.

or do the memories just fade?

Its rather sad if you ask me.

^^^^^^^^^^

One thing I hold onto with an iron fist and I will never let go of, is the fact of seeing Ollie again one day. And I do know he is always a prayer away. I try to be in-tune so I may feel him daily!

Grief just molds you into something new.

I am a new human because of GRIEF.
And hope to one day be a beautiful piece of work before my death.

PLEASE SHARE YOUR DESCRIPTIONS OF GRIEF OR LOSS

What Do You Seek?

I think the world has always ebbed and flowed in light and darkness since time began. I feel like the light is slowing fading off the earth in so many ways, but I also feel like the earth is burning with this beautiful light.

I choose to seek out the LIGHT!!!!

I am not sure why I talk about this LIGHT so much....

Actually I do know.

Ollie is there!!!

I seek this light he now sees, experiences, and exists in.

Have you ever read the book, HEAVEN IS FOR REAL?  It's about a 6 years olds experience visiting heaven, and its for real! Everyone should read this book, young and old.

>>>>>

Children are so in tune to life. Late last night we drove past Ollie's spot, we randomly decided to stop. It was dark outside--I had never been to his spot in the dark. It was more beautiful that I thought to see all the burial spots lit up with different colored lights. Chris and I told both of our kids to kiss Ollie's picture-as they always do. I started to cry and tell them how much I miss their big brother. Poppy climb on my lap, gave me a big kiss and said, "Mom, we will see him again"

It was so perfect and meant so much to me at that moment. How did she know to comfort me in this way???

Poppy often comforts me, her mom. SIMPLY AMAZING.

>>>>>

So, speaking of light, I can't tell you how much happier and how much healing has come since I have tried to find this light within myself. We are all born with this light. Last June, I decided I needed to  heal myself and I needed some intense work in order to care for my young children.

I have since done so many things that have helped and I would like to share them for future grievers or people dealing with anxiety or dperession.

• I started an intense yoga teacher training--I had to dig deep and let my emotions release, it has been very healing to not run away from my crazy emotions.
• I ordered a Bach mixture made just for my grief, anger, nightmares, depression, fear and anxiety. It really helped my overall out look on life.
• I moved to the sunshine. The sun is where I have found so much relief from my stresses.
• I have tried to hang onto my hope and faith in seeing Ollie and use it as motivation to help others.
• I connected with other mommas who had lost a child--so much healing has come from me reaching out and them reaching back--it heals the heart to connect in this way.
•  I tried to forget my self--which in turns heals myself by giving love to others who need just a bit more love and kindness.
• I try to be thankful for what I DO HAVE, not what I don't have--its just too intense.

"We are all broken, that's how the light gets in" -Ernest Hemingway

Go find your light and share it!!!!

XOXO

That dang washer

Did you know I hate that stupid machine??? It makes me made every time I even look at it. I am still aboard that crazy roller coaster, experiencing bad and good days......the bad, crying moments only last a few minutes luckily. If you did happen to see me around town, you would proabably say I appear to be happy. I am happy, but there are times through out the day where I just sit and hate almost EVERYTHING....except my family, friends, and children! I get very depressed and have anger settle over my entire body.....This feeling is quickly removed from me the moment Poppy or tiny--aka. Loxxley, crawl on me and kiss me!!

^^^^^

Last night my sweet mom was washing the sheets because my sister had just gone home and Chris and I wanted to move into the bigger room. The sheets had been washing for a while now and I went to take them out and put them into the dryer. As I opened the lid the exact same picture overtook my mind----when I found sweet Ollie.

AAWWWW....YUCK...it really hurts my lungs, my back, my heart, my brain, and every inch of my body to think about that horrific moment finding my Ollie boy--the moment that significantly changed my life forever here on earth and in the eternities.

As I starred looking at the sheets, in that cold ugly washing machine--exactly what I was washing the day Ollie fell in.

I know, I too feel the intense pressure in my chest. Right now I almost can't breathe. Sometimes it doesn't affect me like this...other times I can barely say the words.

I seriously imagined Ollie in there....I almost put my hands in to feel him. My mind thought I was back at that exact awful moment. Thank goodness I don't ever have to find Ollie dead again---it sounds so weird and it really trips my mind out--this grief thing. this death thing. this burying your child thing....it's all awful and it's all hard to comprehend and accept.

I slammed the washer lid and ran up stairs to tell my mom the washer had gotten stuck on the first cycle with a full load of water.

I was angry at that stupid thing that took Ollie's life----I have to remind myself that we all will die one day and I can't really think of a perfect way for Ollie to have died other than peacefully in his sleep. I really think that there is an angel of death that peacefully removes all pain the moment we die....

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Or does this just bring peace to my soul?


I find my HOPE today in one day seeing sweet Ollie again. I find hope in knowing he is in the other room and very close to me.  He is aware. He lives on. He is real. He was and is my son.

Live in the moment before it passes.....say your sorry first. Love more, hug more and be kinder!!

^^^^^

I often find myself wondering why Ollie had to die in such a freaky, horrific way? I have never heard of this happening to another person. Who could have ever imagined this? Surely not me. He was too big and way too smart. I don't even know how he physically fit in there...once again, makes my stomach turn thinking about it.  I honestly think--call me crazy, but I think that by Ollie dying in this manner allowed more lives to be touched. This is all I can seem to come up with. It was such a shocking way that seemed to reach millions. Every person I randomly tell about the accident has already heard about it on the news. I know for certain Ollie has reached many, just like the random guy who said he has a special connection with Ollie and Ollie is his guardian angel. Wow. Pretty cool!


^^^^^

JOHN 4
 14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

Casket Pics

Sometimes I find myself thinking I am stronger than I really am.

I am staying at my parents house for a few months and for a while now, I have wanted to see the pictures of Ollie in his casket.

Not sure why I feel this strong desire?

So,  my mom found the pictures hidden on her computer and pulled them up for me, very slowly.

I prepared myself as we looked at the pictures of the displays we had put up to remember all of Ollie's favorite things.

Then, came the top of his head in the casket, I saw his sweet blonde hair groomed ever so nice.

I softly began to let out a cry.

Then the next picture,

Ollie's sweet face......this is where I began to sob.

The tears came flooding down my face.

I quickly turned my head and sobbed.

I had to tell my mom, I couldn't handle this like I thought.

I just could not handle the look of death and remembering his body all frozen in time.

My sweet Ollie.

His precious body laid to rest.

Sometimes I am weak....and that is understandable, I suppose.

Here's to the eternities.....and Ollie living on in my every breath.


^^^^^^


Revelations 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Happy

That last picture and post was a lot....it was HEAVY-I know....but needed. For me, and for you all.  I have always been someone who seeks self improvment daily---I do understand some do not wish to change or do better...I think it's ignorant, but that's just my thoughts.

So much love came out of the last post. THANK YOU! I feel your love. And I love you all deeply.

I needed to see something HAPPY now on my blog.....

Ollie, my little gentle peanut, who loved pretzels just like his daddy and other siblings. Keep inspiring us all to be better and kinder. Help us to live a better life because we knew you and your love for all things. Your sweetest was too pure and too lovely for this earth. Rest my child until I hold you again. Please stay near your family and those who love you. And keep being the best guardian a momma could ask for!

^^^^^^^^^

The biggest thing I have learned form grief is to keep living. I have to keep going. I have to keep breathing, serving and loving......and fighting.

Need some hope, click the link...
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/doors-of-death?lang=eng

Preemie Power

For the past 3 years I have been grieving and quite frankly, it has been exhausting to even do anything else. It's like you are always running on empty and you can't seem to ever feel satisfied or full. I feel as if I just can't quite catch up...ever. And maybe I never will experience rest until my work is finished here upon this earth....

Having Poppy one month after Ollie died was exhausting. My hormones were a mess, I was a mess and I was intensely grieving. My body mind and spirit were all confused as to what just happened. 

shock. 

disbelief.

nightmares.

horror.

madness. 

loss. 

death.

birth.

All these heavy emotions have left me feeling tired mentally and physically....Oh yes, I am still tired.

My goodness.  Grief is all consuming. unwanted. and life long.

<<<<<

Then, my life wasn't exciting enough so Mr. Loxxley decided to liven things up with his entrance!

I feel like I didn't quite take it in and accept all that was happening once my water broke at 21 weeks. I just went into survival mode and did what I had to do to keep him safe.

It was a ANOTHER GIANT SHOCKER.

Seriously, when my water broke and we met with that first maternal fetal medicine doctor who told us we had 2 options,

1- terminate the pregnancy by having an abortion

OR

2-continue with the pregnancy and I and the baby might both die.

So, we might have to say goodbye to another child or Chris might have to say goodbye to me and a child and raise Poppy alone......

Neither option looked very promising, but Chris and I were not going to decide whether our child should live or die by terminating the pregnancy. God was in full control. We were going to go full force forward and hope for another miracle since we didn't receive one with Ollie, we thought had a fighting chance.  The doctor made us feel like the first option would probably be the safest and best. Yes, we understood that my life was in danger of a deadly infection but, if I was at the hospital they could monitor my failing body hourly. This decision was hard considering I had a toddler at home who had already experienced a crazy life thus far yet, it felt right for our family--thanks to my mom who jumped on a plane that day to watched Poppy and offer us much needed moral support!

This Doctor made me angry and I wondered how many other parents were going in there with no hope like us? I understand the statistics the doc was providing but, he could have offered some HOPE and told me of children that do survive. Maybe my situation was very unlikely that the baby would survive or that I would contract the disease---but I didn't and we got our miracle!!! I sure wish more hope was offered and more trust put in the higher power--GOD. Miracles happen daily in hospitals. Hope is all you have in the end. Remember this. If I didn't fight for my baby, no one else was going to---except my sweetest nurses on the planet. Keep fighting mommas. I know there are moms who will be experiencing this while reading my blog. I tell you to hold strongly onto that HOPE and FAITH in your child and go forward like a tiger! [an yes, unfortunately there are tragic and sad endings--until you know the end, keep fighting]

Look at my precious miracle. I don't think I fully realized how amazing he was at that time. I was still grieving hard for Ollie. His head was the size of a lemon...so tiny and so precious straight from Ollie!

2lbs. 5oz.     27.6 weeks gestation. Half hour after a one push breach vaginal delivery

I have had some bottled up feelings lately about Loxxley, the NICU, and how scary and horribly hard I fought through it all, as well as how hard Loxxley fought.  I am proud of myslef for fighting for my baby after losing Ollie only a year earlier. Going through this was more traumatic than I had wished. It's intense and it was so dang scary.

Life can be so tough and look so helpless. I am here to tell you all reading this,

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU EVEN KNOW.

KEEP FIGHTING YOUR BATTLE. 

KEEP PRAYING TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR HIS UNENDING POWER AND LOVE.

DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP.

<<<<<

  

Dear Ollie

I haven't sat down to talk to you in a while, Poppy and Loxx have kept me pretty busy. Everytime I try to sit and write about you or think quietly to myself--your siblings quickly remind me, they need me too. As I sat down to write this, Loxxley started eating the plant and spilled the dirt all over the floor, Poppy kept asking me which button on the keyboard she could push and I impatiently told her to stop it. So, I closed my computer and held both of them tight and sang to them. I know this is what you would want.

I miss you so much Ollie, as I hold Loxxley and sing the same songs I sang to you when I rocked you to sleep every day of your life---which I am thankful for.  Looxley has some of your same features but, looks very distict and different. He is so gentle just like you. He loves his older sister so much. I cry as I write this. I know how much you would adore your siblings if you were here. Poppy would look up to you so mcuh. The other night we had a family over for dinner and they have a boy who turns 5 in July. Poppy liked to play with him the most. She giggled with him and chased him around the house. She also teased him like a younger sister would. It made me miss you, my sweet boy. My heart still aches for you. The pain is so deep and never ending. Frankly, I dont't like when the pain goes away for split second---my pain connects me to you!

Poppy is turning 3 next week. You never made it that far in your earthly years. I could have never imagined when I gave birth to you, held you, kissed you and nursed you that I would have to say goodbye so soon. I dont't understand. I really don't. I just miss you. Every-single-thing about you my precious boy but, Poppy does bring so much sunshine into our home. She truly is our rainbow after our torrential down pour, and her voice is the cutest thing around--I wanted to hear you say 'mom' more than anything.

Loxxley survived! He sure is a fighter and I know you were with him the entire time in the NICU. I hoped everyday I would see you in the NICU by his side, I never did see you. I felt you though. And I know you were there. Loxx is a little guy and has been wearing all of your clothes. I love seeing him in your clothes and some of them I never even washed so they still smell like you. He will soon pass you up in years spent here on this earth.

I have been healing this last year more than I ever expected. I think I am healing so well because I have physically pleaded and given my burden to the Lord, prayers have been offered by many on my(our) behalf and  have carried my soul and this beautiful sunny Carson City has done wonders to lift my spirits. I have been trying to dig deep and find my passions again, my zest for life.

Your dad misses his little buddy. I know it hurts his heart and entire body to think of you not physically present in our lives. You were his first born, you were his mini him, you adored him and he adored you. Loxxley sure loves your dad too and so does Poppy but, he still misses his first born--he misses you. Poppy runs to your dad every time he gets home from work--just like you did. I am sure it warms his cold heart.

I still can't believe my body can endure so much shock and pain and still live. Our bodies are truly amazing. I am still in a bit of shock that you one day drowned, died and we buried your body. It is still awful to think about. We had to say goodbye to you. I wish I could understand more about spirits and that the veil was just a bit thinner to see you. My dog probably sees you but, I can't seem to see you in spirit. Having faith is a pretty difficult thing but, I can't deny my true feelings of seeing you again.

Death is not the end my son--as you know. I born my testimony at a husband and wives baptism last week. I told them I know I will see you again. I told them that Jesus Christ has carried my burden and will carry theirs if they ask. I told them about our family being sealed in the house of the Lord for all time and eternity. You are mine forever my sweet boy. We are an eternal family forever and have been sealed under the priesthood which is here upon the earth again. I told them about temples and how they are a link to heaven!!I cried a lot. I felt you near me. I felt you resting upon my heart. You burned inside of my body and I couldn't help but share what was true.

I love you and miss your gentle touch. I miss your smell, your hands, your toes and your vibrant blue eyes. Please stay as near as you can, I know you have important things to do. Please direct me to my destiny and path to follow while here upon this earth. Please lead me and guide me and walk beside me. Until I hold you again my precious Ollie, I stay strong and fight on.

With lots of love, from your mom

I am who I am

I had a very healthy and happy last week...even though Chris was gone for 8 long days and drove all the way to Whistler and back.
I have been feeling very hopeful--hopeful in God, in me and in this life. I have been spending time on myself so, I can be a better momma and wife. 

I have needed some serious 'me' time. 

Something you don't get too often as a nurturing mother.

 //side note-when I ask Poppy to do something she answers me, "Yes Mother"// 

I have needed to find my passions--more things that give me drive.

My children are the biggest drive but, I need more driving forces.

Pretty much since I was born, I have known who I am. 

I have known what I liked and no one was going to sway my decisions. 

I am not a follower. 

Never have been.

Oh great, here comes Poppy....Mini me.

In High School, if the trend was something, I would try my hardest to do the complete opposite--just because I don't like to follow others--I know kind of silly.

I do like to follow rules though.

I do like guidelines for myself  and expectations to achieve but, I do everything because I studied about it or learned about it on my own...not because it was cool or others were doing it. By doing this I have really found myslef from an early age. I am not one for peer pressure--I actually despise peer pressure and people who do this. 

It's just the stupidest thing and makes no sense to me.

 Do people do this to justify why they are doing something?

 I really don't get it. 

With all that said, I like who I am more and more each day.

I have always been passionate about life and the things I enjoy--nature, health, exercise, kindness...

Since Ollie's accident, I have lost everything...I not only lost him temporarily but, I lost Tiffany.

 I lost my drive, my dreams, my hopes, my ambition, and myself.

I was depressed, anxious, sad, angry, and lonely--I still am working through these 

emotions and always will be.

I have come so far since the day my life changed forever. 

I remember how I couldn't bare to be alone, I couldn't shower alone, I couldn't drive my car alone, I couldn't even be in a room with the door closed---this went on for many months. It all stemmed from being home alone when Ollie had his accident. I remember how I didn't shower for days in a row, how I stayed in my Pajamas all day every day, how I couldn't even listen to music, watch TV or say any words that were funny or silly--this was not healthy.  It was what I needed to do at the time to work through my grief. This grief stuff sure is the pits but, I know I will come out stronger--and I also feel a bit numb and less tolerant to certain things too.
Darn.

Today out to lunch.

^^^^^^^^^^

Today, I am moving forward. 

I am finding myself again.

My desire to LIVE and BREATHE again.
It is hard.
It is constant.
and
it is a fighting daily battle.
but
I will win.

A few passions I have always had but now just uncovering are,

I am a certified holistic nutritionist.

I am currently working on my yoga certification while sharing about essential oils. 

I love everything to do with Holistic Health and want to share how powerful our bodies really are.

The body is simply amazing.

And so are all of you.

^^^^^^^^^^

Lately, I have been dealing with some past issues that came out of no where....feeling of not letting go--not forgiving.

I can not seem to pull it out of me to forgive.

It's real tough.

My natural self want to hate and be angry.

Yes, I am still very angry.

 It is really weighing me down and I don't like it.

>>>Accepting all ideas on how you forgive someone who shattered you to the core?

 

He Will Rise

Since it is Easter weekend, I have been thinking so much about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I have really been trying to see if I believe it really happened to Jesus Christ and it will happen to Ollie. I have always thought I had a testimony of it but, then Ollie passed away and it became so much more real. I needed for myslef, a firm knowledge without a doubt. The only way I have received this is by studying and much work on my part.  I have been reading a lot of books about heaven and the testimonies of people seeing angels. I feel I can not share things unless I know for certain.

Does heaven really exist?
Does God exist?
Will we all rise again just as Jesus Christ?

YES.
YES.
YES.
I DO BELIEVE.

Watch this and see if you believe

I believe Jesus Christ really walked here upon the earth performing miracles. 
He was a healer and a teacher.
He was perfect in every way.
He was a follower of our God.
He is the only Savior.
He is the light.
He died for each one of us.
He is the way back to our eternal families.
God is there for us and I KNOW He hears our cries.

Jesus Christ broke the bands of time and space, that is why He is able to physically walk with us during our struggles, our low moment and our heartaches. He carries and comforts us all along the way. He is really right by our side---we just can't see Him. Jesus Christ has seriously been the only way I have found rest from my heartache.

My sweet love will rise again....

The Small Things

At night I do most of my thinking as I lay in bed and wonder how my life got suddenly so twisted. Oh, yes the big elephant is still there--Ollie's death.

Remember that big pivotal moment that changed the fate of my family forever? 

It still stings. 

Ollie.

The pressure in my chest is still there, the ability to take deep breaths is still lacking, and the shock is still very real. 

I know these feeling will never go away but, they have lessened as I learn to live with the shock, the pain and the loss of breath. 

My life has always been about the simple things. I am very simple in my dress, my hair and my desires. I like this and it works for me. Now, after Ollie's transitioning heavenward, it is an even deeper drive to be more simple and see what really matters in my life. I have just begun to wear mascara. That was ALWAYS the one item of make-up I wore...until that unbelievable day. I have not worn it in 2.5 years--mostly because I would cry it all off hourly. I tried to look at myself in the mirror those first few months, I just couldn't--I felt too vain.
My son just died.
How could I stare at myself?
Why would I care about myself looking good?
I have since thought a bit different nonetheless, I still feel a bit guilty primping myself. I'm not sure why, I just do. And seriously I'm not saying if you dress up and look good you are being vain, I just choose not to focus so much attention in that area--I just can't. 

So the simple things?

This is what I focus on now even more. 

Relationships.

Family. 

Love. 

Happiness. 

Service.

God. 

Testimony. 

Nature. 

Deep connections. 

Not stuff'.

For some reason after Ollie died, 'stuff' really weighed my mind and body down. I felt like if I couldn't have Ollie, then I didn't need all this materialistic stuff.
And in the end we can not take any of it with us.....ONLY OUR EXPERIENCES AND KNOWLEDGE. That's it. 

The simple things in life will one day add up to be the big things.

Make the small things count today. You NEVER get this day again.

^^^^^

Today Poppy and I were talking about Easter, Jesus, resurrection, and Ollie. I told her Jesus died like Ollie and He was resurrected so that we can all be a family forever one day in heaven. She listened politely and attentively. Then she quietly told me she needed to show me something. We both walked over to a picture we have of Jesus and a little boy--we say it's Ollie. She pointed out Jesus and Ollie. It felt as if it were her testimony to me that she knows where Ollie is. It was a matter-of-fact. She then began to tell me how Jesus and Ollie were holding hands in heaven. It was just so tender. I told her they are in heaven together and we will be there soon only because of Jesus dying and raising again. 

Noble Trees

This house we moved into in Carson, as we are told has been a true miracle.
Nothing was for rent in this area and if it was, it was very expensive.
Some hire power was certainly involved and knew we could seriously use this for
 our hurting and heavy hearts.
This house and acre of land has seriously played a BIG part in our healing in the last several months.
Being thankful for what we have....and we have so much.

 I feel the power of these wise and noble living giants!
Sometimes the wind is so severe up here I often wonder if the trees will blow down. They are so firmly rooted into the ground and have survived through so much. I think of myself as a tree. I must be firmly planted into the earth before I can begin to grow and I have withstood severe storms blowing my way. Then, after the storm on the sunny days they stand proud and tall.
They really hold a lot of power in them.
Try it.
Go hug one!! ha

They heal the soul.

Chris and I feel like we are camping every day when we wake up and look outside--there are giant 100 year old trees out every single window. 

Oh and did I mention?
 It's OLLIE BLUE sky every single day in Carson!! 

^^^^^^^^^^

We had a nice weekend in Napa enjoying our family and sunshine!
My children appear to be very happy and Ollie's death has not affected them too much in a negative way. I know they feel my love and concern. They see my sadness at times nonetheless, they see my happiness and love for life too.
I hope the happy times out way the sad and we can all heal together.

"All you can do is all you can do
 and all you can do is enough"