Easter

This is the best time of the year to celebrate Jesus Christ and what he did for the world. It really is hard to understand and fathom what He really went through. Since I have a son who has passed on from this mortal life, I now look at life and Easter so differently. I never fully understood the ATONEMENT, Christs death and resurrection like I do now.  Christ literally carried me through my grief and I have said this many times before but He broke the bands of time and space so He physically is walking with me (and You) through my pain. I believe there is always heavenly help when we are going through something so dark----that really is the only way we can see the light.  Christ also rose from the dead and I know my sweet Ollie will one day in due time! Hurry up.

It has been 4 years.

Goodness.

My heart.

I catch myslef forgetting my past life.......with time, the memories fade, but the love never fades. Love is never ending and that I am thankful for. I just feel in my mamma heart that Ollie still loves me just the same as when he was alive. Love is something that will never die because it is an energy and we are all an energy. And energy is neither created or destroyed---science says so. So its true.

Time keeps on moving. The moment after Ollie took his last breath, I wanted time to stop. I wanted to yell to everyone that my precious son had just died. A life was taken from this earth. But many seemed to not even notice. Many seemed to still laugh, joke and carry on.

The more I live, I realize that everyone on earth is only in their personal shoes, we really don't know what anyone else is experiencing at that exact moment in time. No two situations are alike. I do believe we can help carry someone along and offer support in those dark days even if we truly have no idea what it feels like. And those people who have never experienced the loss of a child and still reach out to me. WOW. Can I just say, you are true angels on earth. Thank you Thank you!

So, people often ask me how I get through this extreme loss?

Well, to tell you the truth, I really don't feel like there is any other option for me. Some might feel they have options. But with what I know and feel and am, I only see it one way. To seek the light, seek hope, seek God, seek faith, seek goodness, seek happiness etc. Of course I lack hope at times but in general it has never fully left---the moment I was born it was in me. 

Honestly, EVERY HUMAN on earth is born with the light of Christ--the Holy Ghost, the comforter, our conscience our inner guide.

By our choices or sometimes others, we often lose this light and it dims through out our life if we don't constantly feed it. Seek that which is seeking you---the light.


****

Sometimes I want to not think about deep things, but having a son in a place I don't know is rather exhausting. I fight daily to know, to see, to experience what he is.

One day Ollie will rise from his grave, I believe it will be on the morning of the first resurrection after Jesus Christ himself has again returned to the earth. I believe this really took place on earth and that Christ rose from the dead and Ollie will too!

Seek the light

Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We had a very quiet and simple Christmas, which allowed us to reflect on the important things of this life and the true reason for us celebrating CHRISTmas. 

Since Ollie died, life has more meaning--more depth. Every holiday, every birthday and every living moment is far more special because I know first hand how a memory can be a final one.

And how a breath can also be the last.

Ollie changed the course of my life forever, obviously. 

Poppy giving food and money to Debbie--a sweet 62 year old woman without an eye, who lives in a tent.

 He opened my eyes to the beautiful meaning of life, he opened me up to feel 

broken,

love,

crushed, 

lonely,

peace,

trauma,

hope,

terror,

faith,

devastation

and many other polar opposite feelings that remind me, I am still alive and breathing--and for that I am thankful. Most of these feelings I had never experienced at such a deep level. When Adam and Eve fell in the garden, it brought about opposition in all things. It brought about sorrow and joy, pleasure and pain, sickness and health. When I first experienced these terrible feelings of grief and hopelessness, I was so thankful when I could feel any bit of happiness--even though it was underlined with an awful feeling.  I kind of think grief may always be like this, an underlying feeling of longing or heaviness. As for me, 3.5 years after Ollie's death, I am still feeling the heaviness and loneliness of his physical presence. Life will never be the same, ever.  I am thankful to Ollie and Heavenly Father for allowing me to love even deeper than I ever thought possible. My love, faith and hope have all increased, due to my personal pleads of soul searching.

My sweet parents and brother always decorate Ollies spot with luminaries and sing silent night on Christmas eve....such a special tribute

***

Today in church I bore a testimony that I know God (Heavenly Father) is the master engineer of this life. He knows what works, what doesn't and what is truly best--just like I do for my children. I am thankful Jesus Christ has not left me comfortless during my times of shear devastation and horror. The dark has lifted a tad and I am beginning to see some light--that doesn't mean the pain has left, but I do see hope in something greater in the life to come. I have an immovable testimony of this.

I can't help but thank all my sincere friends through-out the world who have continued to pray for our family and have done so many sweet act of kindness. You have truly carried our burdens that they may be light and walked with those that mourn.

 Mosiah 18:8-10 (Book of Mormon--translated by Joseph Smith--the most correct book here upon the face of the earth--I believe this with all my heart)

 8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

And now I go forward with faith in the one true God, to serve my fellow men, that their burdens might be light!!!

Happy Sabbath Day!

***

What gives your life more depth?

***
Click Here to read more about why the fall of Adam and Eve is a blessing to all.

Special moments with our ANGEL

Yesterday Chris and Poppy took our beautiful new Alaskan Malamute on a walk in the mountains behind our house. They all had some great bonding time while Loxxley and I played at home. Chris sent me this treasured video of Poppy, talking about her drawing in the dirt being Ollie's spirit and she wants to remember him. And also about the moments before she was born, Ollie was with her and he was at the gates.

As I was giving birth to Poppy, 1 month after Ollie went to heaven, Chris and I both envisioned that same thing at the exact same moment in time. As Poppy was descending down the birth canal and into what we call earth, Ollie was in heaven holding her hand and letting her be with us....they held hands until the very last moment. Chris and I both had this vision and talked about it after her birth.....no coincidences here.

What?

How could Poppy know this about Ollie and the gates?
She would only know what we all experienced, if it really happened...Chris and I have never mentioned this story to her.

This story was so precious to Chris and I and is just another testament that Ollie is alive and lives on--because sometimes it is just so hard to have this faith when I can not physically hold or see my 2 year old child.....

Poppy and Ollie communicate, I know they do.

He is still in our every day lives and we know he watches over us.

I often hear Poppy giggling in her room and of course I have to go in and see what she's doing. She is usually dancing and looking in the mirror while she twirls and giggles loudly. The same day as the 'Ollie's spirit in the dirt day', Poppy said that she dances with Ollie and he twirls her around!!!

Oh how happy this makes me, I just had to share all of this.

 My heart feels so much love for their relationship that they still have. I have been trying to be very aware of Ollie being near to us, because I  know he is.  I want to be in tune with his presence.

***

 Before Ollie passed on to the next faze of eternity, I believed in coincidences. Now, I believe only in divine intervention. I believe that GOD is the master engineer and for life to run accordingly, the very finest details are worked out. Even the EXACT moment we will take our last breath or our first. Everything really does happen for a reason at the exact moment it was supposed to.  If it were meant for Ollie to survive, he would have. Yes, it was a horrific accident, and if it were meant for me to be inspired as a mother, I would have found him sooner and been able to revive him---not the case, so I do believe our days are numbered here upon this earth and who was meant to live shall live.

***

What is living anyway?

Some people go through this life half dead...they truly are walking dead.

Are you walking dead through the motions of this life, or are you truly living?

Ollie is living, he is alive in our home and in the heavens, thanks to the one and only JESUS CHRIST.

GET OUT AND LIVE.

You are stonger than you thought

My two boys!

Both boys are the same age here!

I love dressing Loxxley in Ollie's clothes.

All day yesterday I felt like Loxx was really Ollie- I kept doing a double take to see if it was really OLLIE! 

It was this weird feeling-but very neat too.

The truth is, Ollie lives on in my children. 

I see him and feel him through them.

I still keep Ollies clothes in the dresser and in the closet-he is still a member of our daily life.  

Might sound crazy to you.

But for me it's healing and just perfect.

  I often put his underwear or the unwashed clothing on my face and take a deep breathe in, crying quickly before Poppy comes in needing something, as I think of his soul and ask him to be near--I never let anyone see me doing this...ha ha, might look pretty weird. 

 Can you picture it now? 

Undies on my head as I'm sniffing them?

***

Grieving the death of a child is intense.

it's unnatural.

it's unfair.

 and it hurts.

We don't have any guidelines for this pain.

and nothing could ever prepare us for this catastrophic event.

Do what brings healing into your life.

Do what feels right to you individually.

Acknowledge the pain, the sorrow, the loss.

Turn directly to it, embrace it with open arms and jump over it.

This is where you will find the most healing.


YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE

//What crazy things do you do to help you heal// 

***

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die." 

He Will Rise

Since it is Easter weekend, I have been thinking so much about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I have really been trying to see if I believe it really happened to Jesus Christ and it will happen to Ollie. I have always thought I had a testimony of it but, then Ollie passed away and it became so much more real. I needed for myslef, a firm knowledge without a doubt. The only way I have received this is by studying and much work on my part.  I have been reading a lot of books about heaven and the testimonies of people seeing angels. I feel I can not share things unless I know for certain.

Does heaven really exist?
Does God exist?
Will we all rise again just as Jesus Christ?

YES.
YES.
YES.
I DO BELIEVE.

Watch this and see if you believe

I believe Jesus Christ really walked here upon the earth performing miracles. 
He was a healer and a teacher.
He was perfect in every way.
He was a follower of our God.
He is the only Savior.
He is the light.
He died for each one of us.
He is the way back to our eternal families.
God is there for us and I KNOW He hears our cries.

Jesus Christ broke the bands of time and space, that is why He is able to physically walk with us during our struggles, our low moment and our heartaches. He carries and comforts us all along the way. He is really right by our side---we just can't see Him. Jesus Christ has seriously been the only way I have found rest from my heartache.

My sweet love will rise again....

Healing

Yesterday and today turned out to be far better than I could have ever expected. I honestly can't believe the strength I have felt in the last two days....a lot of kind souls must be offering prayers on our behalf---we sure feel them. 

>>>God is good<<<

I really can't help but acknowledge God for the things in my life. 

He has a plan, I just feel it.
He has healed me and guided me.

The strength I get is from the one on high.

It is very interesting to me that the lower and harder you fall the higher you will climb due to the strength you have received after fighting your battle.  

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;

the most massive characters are seared with scars."

-Kahlil Gibran

I am STRONG and so are each and every one of you reading this.
Have some faith in yourself. 
 

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday sweet Poppy woke up asking if she could get her ears pierced. She has actually asked for months but, never really wanted to when it came down to it. 

I don't think for a second that it was a coincidence that she asked. We had wanted to do some special things as a family and this was just that. 

 

She got a tiny star earring.

How can we not have a good day with little missy in our lives.....

We also went to dinner at a new restaurant and a man without any children just adored Poppy and told her if he had children like Poppy he would have 10. I think it warmed this old mans heart and he wanted to buy Poppy pink ice cream....so he did. 
What a kind gentleman.

^^^^^^^^^^

One of my favorite songs lately...thanks Carly! 

Lennon and Maisy.  

Check these sisters out here

 

The Transition Day

All week I have had so much anxiety thinking about the BIG DAY.....

the big stupid day.

the giant elephant in the room. 

the horrible tragic accident that took his life.

the day my life changed forever.
the day we said our earthly goodbyes.

the day Ollie passed into the next phase of eternity.

 

Chris doesn't even want to remember 'the date' but, today I feel I want to remember.

It was the last time I kissed Ollie.

The last time I held him,

smelled,

touched,

and

sang to him. 

The last time I 

washed his dying body,

the last time I saw his beautiful blue eyes,

the last time I touched his messy-stringy-thin-blonde hair.
That day was the last time I would dress him and
it was the last time I heard him breathe.

The last precious earthly moments between a parent and a transitioning child.

It was a day of many lasts with our precious Ollie boy and I cherish every single one.

These pictures hurt but, they don't hurt as much when I think of where Ollie's spirit is. 

I truly believe the longer I live, that Ollie is in the spirit world in
blissful enjoyment--pain free and happy.
He lives on.
He will one day be resurrected to perfection.
He will rise the morning of the first resurrection into my arms.

^^^^^^^^

Today 3 years later.....

I am a changed momma.

My heart is oh so heavy but, today I am healing

and thankful---I honestly NEVER thought I would get to this point.

Today I focus on Ollie's spirit residing in our home---at times I have been so blinded
by grief that I could not see. 

And as I am often reminded....someone ALWAYS has it worse and this is why I am thankful. 

I am deeply grateful for my constant support over these last 3 foggy years. 

I honestly couldn't have done it without prayers, family, texts, emails, and God.

Thank you,

Thank you,

for the LOVE! 

^^^^^^^^ 

A few of my favorite memories of my precious 
Ollie Kai Hebb
June 21, 2010-March 24, 2012

• Holding him for the first time after working so hard to bring him into this life--pure bliss.
•  Watching the way he inspected small things on the ground and trees. 
• His shaggy blonde hair. 
• His gentle spirit and demeanor.
• I loved his fat hands and dirty finger nails.
• I enjoyed watching Ollie and Chris swing outback-the bond they share is tender.
• Rocking and singing to him until he fell asleep.
• I loved pulling Ollie behind the bike trailer while riding in the pouring rain.
• I loved how the first thing right after he woke up was to go outside rain boots and all.
• Ollie  would dance to electronic music and I would film him.
• I miss pulling identical faces with him for a selfie.

Ollie, 

Be near us until we hold you again sweet angel of ours.

 "Because I live, Ye shall live too"-Jesus Christ
Be inspired 

>>>disclaimer because people often take things the wrong way<<<
This blog is an outlet....its healthy for me. 
I don't always feel these horrible feelings.

Life....Is it Eternal?

As I sat starring at this blank screen, I began to make the symbol of eternity with my mouse, while I sat and thought about what I wanted to write.  

 This is the 'eternal knot'.

As I continued to make this symbol on the white screen, I began to ask my heart and soul if I believed we are eternal beings? 

My heart started to beat harder and quicker.

I just listened for a minute.

Yes, I do believe we are eternal.

  I believe our souls had no beginning and have no end, we have always existed. 

Matter is neither created or destroyed.

Our light and energy once the breath is gone, is transformed into some other form. 

I believe we are all balls of energy, light--I know this may sound weird.

The light never goes out or dims, but it does transfer and it may be harder to see that light. 

I think we have to be on a spiritual level or frequency to see this light and to understand its magnitude.

I have thought about this for years and this makes perfect sense to me. 

I don't really understand it or know how it works, but it sounds beautiful.

We are all a light and have had the light of Jesus Christ since birth or since forever.

Today I share my light.

I share happiness.

I share love.

 I share understanding and compassion.

I share hope, hope in living forever with the ones we love.

Life, what is it anyway?

Why, as humans do we constantly try to figure out the meaning of life? I think we naturally want something more than this life can offer. We want to understand others, ourselves and God.

We want something deeper, more meaningful, and more fulfilled.

Why do we want to know heaven?

Since the Egyptians, humans have been sending prayers heavenward in hopes of learning something of that place. We have no pictures of heaven and no scientific evidence-I think our minds are not capable of expressing this beauty and pure happiness if we saw it.

A yoga pose you should practice.
Reaching heavenward.
Opening up your heart.

What is God?

I have been thinking about this. 

God is all knowing.

Lover of love.

Perfected.

He is the light.

He is the creator.

The Father.

Emanuel.

Elohim.

Shalom.
Jehovah.

I have been reading some things-just a few....I have found something I have never thought much about. 

For some reason it hit me today.

The purpose for Jesus Christ to come to earth was to remove our sins and walk with us in times of trial and allow us to be resurrected beings and live life eternal. 

Also, He came to teach us about the Father, so we could love him like he does. So we could one day be as he is. I think we can not obtain pure happiness and life eternal unless we are at a level of spirituality as the Father.

Spirituality is transformation.

meaning to life.

a stress reliever.

"In that sense Jesus did not come to improve God’s view of man nearly so much as He came to improve man’s view of God and to plead with them to love their Heavenly Father as He has always and will always love them. The plan of God, the power of God, the holiness of God, yes, even the anger and the judgment of God they had occasion to understand. But the love of God, the profound depth of His devotion to His children, they still did not fully know—until Christ came."

-Jeffery Holland

The world today and since the beginning of time was been in a fallen state. We must work everyday until we take our last breath to become better, more loving, more gentle, more patient.--Chris brought it to my attention, that some people are okay with not becoming better, they are content with themselves-- I am not one of those) We are all born with the light of Christ, but must fight against the natural man-who is an enemy to God.

I am getting all spiritual, I know. I can't help it. 

I think Ollie is at a level of spirituality I will not obtain in this life. 

His spirit is at a consciousness I long for.

the happiness.

the love.

the un-judging.

the all knowing.

the joy.

I can only dream of this happiness and try daily to achieve it.

//Remember, live everyday likes its your last//

Serious fun!

My siblings and I went to the Halloween store! 

It was fun!

This is how fun! 

That cat head totally fits Poppy's little personality

>>>My older brother soberjedi! Yes he's single!<<<

But, it was also so evil and disgusting-in my opinion.
Yuck. So much blood.
 And dead people.
And coffins.
And skeltons.
((Why would I want to imagine my Ollie looking like skeleton in his coffin???))
And scary things....why is this fun?
I'm not sure I get what Halloween is even about, but I do like dressing up! 

Since sweet Ollie passing on, I am sooo much more sensitive to many things and on the other hand I am sooo much less compassionate. 

Cried a few times yesterday. 

Cried a few times today. 

Always missing Ollie, but holding onto Eternal Life! 

Forever. 

Never ending. 

Never saying goodbye.

Oh, I miss him......every single thing about him.....

Grief is still like the ocean. 

Very powerful, coming in in waves,

tremendous, gigantic powerful waves.

Taking you down like a  broekn vessel.
But at times, 
the stillness and the calmness
you feel can carry you to the sweet spot all alone where you find peace, and hope!

Where is my little bee?

I don't feel like writing much- another sleepless night....it will be the death of me...no sleep. Its slowly killing me. I don't feel like I am alive at times. I have got to figure something out for my little man Loxx.-He's waking up eery 2 hours STILL. If anyone has experienced this with their preemie, please write to me.

Halloween was fun, but not that fun. I don't really get too excited about things like I used to. 

There is still a bit of a cloud hanging over my head. 

It weighs me down. 

And it gets really heavy too, it even knocks me down sometimes. 

Ollie when he was 4 months old......

Ollie as my cute bumble bee. That day we rode the Portland Trax about an hour and a half to see my aunt. He was such a great boy all day long.  

I sure miss holding that little body of his. He truly was an angelic child. He was so gentle and sweet. And I, as his mother, only remember one time right before he died getting really upset at him.  He just never did anything to get upset about. Oh how I miss him. Its unfortunate for us left here who are sad and miss him dearly.

oh, and by the way, missing your baby boy hurts, if you can't tell.....

^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday at my church, we have this thing called 'fast and testimony meeting'.

We all fast for at least one meal, three if you are able. Everyone in the congregation has the opportunity to share their testimony. I felt very inspired to share mine yesterday, So I went up to the pulpit. I testified of Jesus Christ and his hands that have carried me at my lowest moments, I shared about God and how He is very aware of us, I also shared how I KNOW Ollie lives on. I don't really understand in what form, but I KNOW he is with Heavenly Father in that glorious place we all call heaven.