Preemie Power

For the past 3 years I have been grieving and quite frankly, it has been exhausting to even do anything else. It's like you are always running on empty and you can't seem to ever feel satisfied or full. I feel as if I just can't quite catch up...ever. And maybe I never will experience rest until my work is finished here upon this earth....

Having Poppy one month after Ollie died was exhausting. My hormones were a mess, I was a mess and I was intensely grieving. My body mind and spirit were all confused as to what just happened. 

shock. 

disbelief.

nightmares.

horror.

madness. 

loss. 

death.

birth.

All these heavy emotions have left me feeling tired mentally and physically....Oh yes, I am still tired.

My goodness.  Grief is all consuming. unwanted. and life long.

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Then, my life wasn't exciting enough so Mr. Loxxley decided to liven things up with his entrance!

I feel like I didn't quite take it in and accept all that was happening once my water broke at 21 weeks. I just went into survival mode and did what I had to do to keep him safe.

It was a ANOTHER GIANT SHOCKER.

Seriously, when my water broke and we met with that first maternal fetal medicine doctor who told us we had 2 options,

1- terminate the pregnancy by having an abortion

OR

2-continue with the pregnancy and I and the baby might both die.

So, we might have to say goodbye to another child or Chris might have to say goodbye to me and a child and raise Poppy alone......

Neither option looked very promising, but Chris and I were not going to decide whether our child should live or die by terminating the pregnancy. God was in full control. We were going to go full force forward and hope for another miracle since we didn't receive one with Ollie, we thought had a fighting chance.  The doctor made us feel like the first option would probably be the safest and best. Yes, we understood that my life was in danger of a deadly infection but, if I was at the hospital they could monitor my failing body hourly. This decision was hard considering I had a toddler at home who had already experienced a crazy life thus far yet, it felt right for our family--thanks to my mom who jumped on a plane that day to watched Poppy and offer us much needed moral support!

This Doctor made me angry and I wondered how many other parents were going in there with no hope like us? I understand the statistics the doc was providing but, he could have offered some HOPE and told me of children that do survive. Maybe my situation was very unlikely that the baby would survive or that I would contract the disease---but I didn't and we got our miracle!!! I sure wish more hope was offered and more trust put in the higher power--GOD. Miracles happen daily in hospitals. Hope is all you have in the end. Remember this. If I didn't fight for my baby, no one else was going to---except my sweetest nurses on the planet. Keep fighting mommas. I know there are moms who will be experiencing this while reading my blog. I tell you to hold strongly onto that HOPE and FAITH in your child and go forward like a tiger! [an yes, unfortunately there are tragic and sad endings--until you know the end, keep fighting]

Look at my precious miracle. I don't think I fully realized how amazing he was at that time. I was still grieving hard for Ollie. His head was the size of a lemon...so tiny and so precious straight from Ollie!

2lbs. 5oz.     27.6 weeks gestation. Half hour after a one push breach vaginal delivery

I have had some bottled up feelings lately about Loxxley, the NICU, and how scary and horribly hard I fought through it all, as well as how hard Loxxley fought.  I am proud of myslef for fighting for my baby after losing Ollie only a year earlier. Going through this was more traumatic than I had wished. It's intense and it was so dang scary.

Life can be so tough and look so helpless. I am here to tell you all reading this,

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU EVEN KNOW.

KEEP FIGHTING YOUR BATTLE. 

KEEP PRAYING TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR HIS UNENDING POWER AND LOVE.

DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP.

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Loxxers

Poppy made up a nick-name for Loxxley and I think its just so cute...Loxxers. 

So he now goes by, 

Loxxers

 Loxx, 

Little Loxx,

Loxxopher-after Christopher

and baby.

I thought I should update on our miracle little man since he is doing so well.

I know so many of you followed the story during those scary times when we thought he wouldn't survive....and I thank you.
 Well, today he is surviving and thriving!
He is about 20lbs.

He is almost crawling and probably the happiest baby around.

He doesn't stop smiling.

He tries to cry and be mad, then he has to smile--it warms my heart...
Oh, and I almost forgot, he is sleeping through the night!!!
YAY!
Never thought the day would come.

And yes, you see he's got some nice chompers, nine to be exact.

And yes, he's still the hairless rat!!!

Strong Humans Are We

It is interesting to me how the last 2.5 years have been the fastest years of my entire life...obviously because, so many large mountains have manifest themselves in our once, care free path.

I am actually blown away with how much the body can go through and still survive, yet how fragile it is and how quickly it can die. Ones soul can also take quite the beating. It is only when you are stripped of everything-you have nothing else to give, then you will find yourself and what you are truly made of--you also can find God too.

Going through the trauma of finding my precious child inside my washing machine almost dead--sorry I know its hard to read, but its what it is and I face it head on in order to one day jump through it all. And then all that comes with your child's death---I am too weak right now to go into details, and then fighting to find a reason to stay alive yourself. I truly have been to the depths of my rock bottom many times over- I hope, I thought Ollie's tragic death was all I could handle.

Nope.

Then I had the sweetest 2.5lb miracle. And that came along with so much will to persevere....man it was so so hard to fight through it day after day.

No wonder I am still tired?

Chris brought to my attention yesterday, that we need to give ourselves some credit for what we have been through......two super duper gigantic life changing events.

Yea, I already cried uncle with Ollie and threw in the towel.
Whats up with that God???
How can I be expected to do more when I am already finished....so I thought.
Seriously?

Well, I am living proof you are all stronger than you know. You really truly are. Don't ever doubt that. Have some faith in yourself--I telling myself this now. I sure had no idea I could live through all of this.....and I know the world is just getting more and more rotten, so I know there are more trials in store for me. I couldn't have done it without my hope and belief in our one true loving God. I know without a doubt He is aware of you and I, even though I often don't see it. I have had a lot of love shown to me and I believe it is all through the power of prayer and others being inspired to share their love.

THANK YOU
THANK YOU!

I fight with the powers of the universe to live on earth and to live happily and mightily until the breath is taken from my body.....

Here's to life, love and 2015!

//I do know that loving God and speaking of Him is not the so called cool thing to do these days but, I just can't help it.....God is all around us. And so is my sweet Ollie boy! Oh, and I am not trying to be cool.. haha

The world is grand, get our there and truly live!! 

2009 Basil, Switzerland--where my family is form.

Not so kind

I am not so kind sometimes.

Lately, everyone I talk to on the NICU floor, seems as if their story is so horrible. Like the lady who's child had been in the NICU for only one week and she was so upset and devastated that it wasn't home yet. She said her son was suppose to go home any day. Or how about the grandma whos twin grandchildren were just born and one would be in the NICU for a day. They were so devasted and could't believe this was happening. I began to feel bad for myself. My life story just seems so horrible. and so not fair. When I tell people about the events that have taken place in the last 2 years, I just don't believe it is my life. My new life, my unwanted new life.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking to the random person in the elevator as they speak of their current situation....

well, at least your child didn't die

or 

7 days , that's not so bad compared to 100 days in the NICU

or 

at least you have some family near by to help watch your kids....

I don't mean to be so callused, but I am. 

I watched my child die.

I rode in an ambulance while my son lay in the back hooked up to tubes fighting between this world and heaven.

I washed my little guys tender body and dressed him in spider-man pjs for the last time.

I held him while he took his last breath in this life.

I kissed every inch of his dying body until I almost had a heart attack and died myself. 

I planned a funeral, my little boys funeral.

I picked out songs to be sung by Ollie's cousins at his life celebration.

I laid my precious 2 year olds body to rest.

I now have a spot to visit my deceased sons headstone. 

No, not hard things at all.....

I know everyone seems as if what they are going through is the worst. And it is to that person. I really do have compassion, but I also try to let others see that it could always be worse. I know I am not the one who needs to make others aware of this, but sometimes I do it anyway. I tell myself daily that it could be worse. I am thankful for what I do have. What I do know! The knowledge of seeing my little bug again. Eternal families, heaven and God.

Now on to some happier things.

Loxxley Koakai Hebb

I went and snuggled skin to skin with my little peanut for 3 solid hours. My back always hurts when I am finished because I try and move as little as possible so he will get the best uninterrupted sleep.

Oh, the sacrifice of a mother. Pretty much the entire 3 hours, I stare at his tiny face and his perfectly developed body. I pray for his body to heal and for him to feel peace and love from his big brother Ollie. Oh, I sure love my peanuts. Loxxley looks just like Ollie and Poppy!!!!

I cant wait until I can snuggle him and not feel like he might die. Everyday is nerve racking. I still catch myself taking big deep breathes all.day.long. I don't sleep well and my entire body is in tense knots. I don't eat well either-actually daddy bear feeds me well when I do have time to eat. I am always pumping and racing out the door. When I get it in my head that I am going to see Loxxley at the hospital, nothing can stop me or get in my way. If my schedule gets messed up by me forgetting to pump or waking up too late or the normal Portland traffic, I get irritated and antsy until I arrive at the hospital. 

In every picture he pretty much looks the same, but I can tell a difference he's gotten a bit bigger. 

Status update-one month old

Weight: 3lbs. 1oz.

Feedings: 26ml of breast milk and a bit of fortified milk too.

Cpap: Back up to a pressure of 5. His oxygen need has increased over the last few days from room air to about 25-30%. I asked the doctor what could cause this sudden change. She said he might have a lung disease where there is water on the lungs. They can give him a diuretic if this is the case to help drain the fluid. So, as usual they will continue to watch him closely. 

In general he is doing very well. He was just born too early and should still be in my tummy. He is doing normal preemie stuff. 

Everythings going to be alright

Little Loxx has not been sleeping as I have mentioned several times, he wakes up every 2-3 hours all.night.long. Having an infant for so long is wonderful, but so tiring at the same time. I have been wanting some relief and sleep.
I finally decided to call the doctor. I have tried EVERYTHING natural and exhausted my resources- I am not one to run to the doc, I try to do my own healing and research first. The doctor got him right in yesterday and I met with the PA. I told him what was going on. Basically the short of it was that Loxxley has been conditioned to wake up and nurse back to sleep. Since NICU living wakes them so often-for good reasons, they still practice this several months later. I can either wake up every 2-3 hours and feed him quickly back to sleep, or try letting him fuss a bit back to sleep and soothe himself. The PA said that either choice will be hard, but in the end he will be just fine.

little peanut has come so far

After 10 months of having a high maintenance newborn child, I have finally realized a few things:
-EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!
-My motherly instinct usually prove to be spot on.
-God is aware and active in our lives and so is Ollie.
-Ollie left this earth too soon,  he knew how badly we needed another boy, so he sent Loxxley 3 months early!!!
-I need to chill out.
-I NEED TO PRAY MORE AND DEMAND FOR ANGELS TO BE ROUND ABOUT ME AND LIFT ME UP.

Life....

Sometimes I feel as if I don't quite get enough time to really think about things that my family has gone through in the last 2 years, we have just been surviving and dealing.

When I do sit and really think about Ollie not being in our home physically to hold and hug, and then having another child almost die due to being a preemie, I am overwhelmed with sadness and exhaustion. and in the next moment, I am happy those moments are behind me. Losing Ollie was horrific in every way, and turned my life upside down and backwards-I really went for a spin-quickly downward. Then, having my water break at 21 weeks-I seriously wanted to die right then and there, I didn't think I could take anymore-little did I know what was ahead, being on bed rest away from Poppy for 7 weeks, facing the uncertain NICU for 3 exhausting and having my mom fly up on a moments notice to take care of my family while I sit in the ugly hospital fighting with my baby for his life, has not been what I imagined as a naive 18 year old on top of the world.

Through it all I have learned a lot. I have grown a lot spiritually, mentally and emotionally-not by choice, but by force and I have hit my rock bottom-I hope. I have learned how precious our life is, I have learned to trust GOD with everything I have-I am not in control, and I have learned to FULLY LIVE IN EACH MOMENT because our days are number here upon this earth.  

My heart has been shredded, torn, and broken into a million little pieces. I have been slowly finding myself again and putting those pieces back together. My heart will never be the same-a piece is missing, but it has expanded and grown larger by having Poppy and Loxxley in my life.

Loxxley has taught me that miracles do happen and prayers are answered-not on our time frame of how or when we want, but they are answered. We prayed so hard for Ollie-he didn't survive. We prayed just as hard for Loxxley-he did survive. Not sure why, only our creator knows this-and trust me I will be asking quite a few questions when I get to heaven, but I am thankful for my 2 children who are living with me today on this earth....until the eternities, I enjoy today while trying to find out why I am here and what this life is all about.

Loxxley really is a living miracle, started so tiny, but so strong.
He went from this.....

His head was the size of a lemon-the purple thing is the nurses glove

His precious body did not look well, he was see-through and not ready to be here.

To this.....

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>>>Does anyone know how to change my blog so everyone can comment, not just people who have google+???

>>>And according to comments, there are only about 5 people who read my blog...maybe its due to the google+ thing

 

Help through the NICU

Back in September when I first found out I was bleeding, I knew this was not a good sign while being pregnant. It made me nervous, but I told my mom from the beginning, that I knew things would work out how they were supposed to. After losing Ollie, I knew all too well how quickly and suddenly a life could be taken from me. If God needed Loxxley, he would be taken-I would have been beyond heartbroken again-but for some reason, I trusted more this time.

Fortunately, things worked out to my liking and our once again heartfelt pleading prayers, were answered. Loxxley is supposed to be here. He is truly a miracle, the miracle we prayer for. His life is not yet completed and I am grateful formy time I have already spent with him.

The last few months-whoa I mean several exhausting never ending months, I have learned some things I want to share with others facing this same ever exhausting and difficult situation. The NICU is not a relaxing place to be, it is filled with anxious mothers (and fathers) quietly and fearfully attending to their babies the best they can as the doctors try to save their weak and fragile preemie.

First minutes of life @ 2lbs. 5 oz.

Several ways to help you push through and plan for the scary and uncertain NICU:

-When you first arrive in the Neonatal unit be prepared to be tired and exhausted. Every mother-excuse me, most mothers want to be with their precious and oh so fragile preemie every single minute humanly possible. For some, it is not very practical to be there every day, for me, I had to find a way to get to the hospital. I was too anxious and nervous away from him. I just thought that little baby needed me-even when there was not much I could do other than just stare and send my positive love and thoughts towards Loxxley. But do not feel bad if it is not possible for you to be there, the nurses are very skilled and take great care of your child while you are away. And the other mothers send their love to your baby too!!! 


-Be prepared to NOT understand what's going on. There will be a lot of scary machines, tubes, and words you wont be familiar with. That is okay. You will quickly get used to them and like me, will get so sick of hearing those annoying beeps and staring at the monitors and having a panic attack every time your child desats. I swear, Loxxley's alarm went off more than any other baby....it probably just seemed this way.

-Don't be afraid of the doctors just because they are more knowledgeable than you-ask every question you can to find out the medical conditions and go home and do your own research. Remember you are still the parent and have the final say. Chris and I actually went against what some of the doctors thought, they dont know everything-but they do know a lot. Trust yourself after you have prayerful meditated about the matter. After losing Ollie and then having a preemie, God has played a big part in our lives and our decisions. He is very aware.  We all need a power stronger than ourselves to call upon for help-even those amazing doctors do.

Can you believe the size oh him????
Unreal and scary. 

-Pray everyday as much as you can for your baby on your knees-I was too exhausted and rushed to the NICU the second I woke up, I wish I had done this more. I needed the quiet and peace I feel when I am praying or pleading to my God. I also needed the strength from a higher power to get me through this tiresome dark valley. God is aware and ready to help. Also Jesus Christ is there to lighten your burdens, He did for me and He will for you, If you ask. This fight is long and hard, but it will end and I hope it ends for you all in bringing your healthy baby home-if your child passes on to heaven, keep this promise with you every day until you yourself die-You Will See And Hold Your Precious Child Again.

-Touch your baby the minute they say its okay.  Chris and I were so scared to even breathe while in the micro-preemie pod, let alone touch Loxxley. We were so worried he was going to die-we had already buried one child and knew how real it was. Loxx was so tiny and fragile. We could see through his skin. He was too tiny to live-well, so we thought. I did Kangaroo care, aka-skin to skin, every single day for 3 months. I tried to do it for 3 hours at a time-this was so exhausting I am not going to lie, but my little Loxx needed it and we all know those momma bears fight hard for their young-the dad's do too, Chris did kangaroo care when I couldn't. These little preemies are so STRONG and TOUGH. They are fighting so hard, so remember to be patient with them. They are doing their very best. They will go home when they are ready. Loxxley got released exactly on his due date. 

 

First time holding Loxxley, I was shaking.

-Remember to take time everyday for yourself, something I had a really hard time with. After Poppy and Chris moved to Utah, I lived at the Ronald McDonald house-a blessing and a curse to be so close-and sat in the NICU from 9am for his first feeding until 9 or 10 pm. It was way too much for one person. I did this every day for 1 entire month. I would not recommended this approach. I would eat lunch as quickly as I could and almost choke every time, so I could rush back to feed Loxxley. I was determined to have him be breastfed exclusively and for him to take the bottle properly. He had such a hard time. After much perseverance and offering him the breast daily, I am happy to report Loxxley is now breastfed and doing amazing. Not saying he is t still very difficult and lots if extra work cause he is, but it's way more relaxing in your own home. He did take the bottle for the first 5 months. Aww 5 months of pumping, I'm so glad that's over-I know several of my friends who are still pumping and who have pumped way longer-you are tough. Keep with it mommas. It is so difficult, but it is possible. Breast is the best for your tiny preemie, but I do know for some of you it just is not possible. Don't beat your self up about it.  One of my favorite nurses, Jamie challenged me to go outside and walk on a trail or just breathe fresh air every day....it helped so much. Do this! Just get out side and BREATHE. 

And most of all, Remember to....Expect a Miracle!

Oh, by the way, we are home!!

I haven't wanted to write on my blog, (actually I haven't had a free second) becasue I have too much to talk about. Well, here it goes, my randomness of thoughts and feelings as I try to fill you all in on the last 2 weeks.....

Loxxley was released 2 weeks ago and his 85 day NICU stay is officially over.

Yippee!

.late night snuggles.

-couldn't be more relieved, but also scared at the same time to take home a fragile preemie who needs special care-

We (and I say we because I felt like I was also held captive to the NICU), got released at 3:00pm on Sunday. The only thing I was sad about was leaving all of Loxxleys nurses who had become great friends to me, who I entrusted with my most precious baby boy, and had formed special bonds with. Caren, Belinda, Maureen, and Nicole were his primary nurses and my favorite ones!!! They always took such excellent tender care of Loxxley-and me, of course!

We will miss them all- and also all the other wonderful food service people, front desk people, and labor nurses!!! They have all left a solid imprint in our lives.

After the car was loaded-or rather jammed from top to bottom, I drove straight to the airport, picked up Chris and we were Utah bound. We were not looking forward to the 15+ hour drive due to a stop every 2-3 hours, and each stop requiring an hour break because little Loxx was a slow eater-and he choked occasionally, so I didn't want to rush him. We made our first stop after 3 hours, I was feeding him like normal-upright and kind of to the side so the milk would pool in his cheek not his throat. He all of the sudden began choking, then he stopped choking and held his breath, he turned blue of course and I began to pat him vigorously while yelling to Chris to do something. Loxxley didn't take a breath for about 20 eternal seconds. I pretty much lost it, I knew how real it was to have a child stop breathing and pass away right before my eyes. I felt like cursing the almighty. I wanted to give up then and there, run away from the car and never come back, then reality set in. 

I had to keep fighting, fighting until the bitter end, just as Loxxley was. 

He finally worked it out and started breathing again. It took several minutes for him to collect himself. From seeing him do this several times before at the hospital hooked up to the monitors, I bet  his heart rate went down to 80 and his oxygen to about 50...scary.  He was fine the rest of the way home-I was not. I couldn't stop shaking and had so much anxiety, I thought I might have to call life-light to transport him home because I wasn't capable of feeding him. We arrived at the hotel after driving about 6 hours. I was a mess the entire night and next morning.

I was horrified. 

I felt as if my body was shutting down. 

The next morning I was still shaking while feeding the baby and had this idea to demand my other son to be present with me and to assist Loxxley while swallowing his food without choking. I asked Ollie to give me strength to physically feed the baby and at that exact moment, I was no longer scared and I stopped shaking immediately. 

I knew I could do what I had to do with Ollie by my side!!!

After 15 grueling hours of driving and staring intently to make sure Loxx was breathing, we made it home.

I walked into my parents basement apartment-yes we moved back in with the parents to catch our breath, and the peace I felt was overwhelming. The colors of my kitchen chairs, the beautiful plants, the familiarity of my "stuff" was all so wonderful.

<<<FYI: My milk the next day was complete clear water, ultra skim milk-whoa stress does a number to you physically>>>

.getting his EKG.

So, the last 2 weeks have been very intense. Loxxley is a preemie and with that he requires special attention while feeding him the bottle. He is not super efficient at sucking, breathing and swallowing. It takes a lot of coordination on his part and I have to aggressively watch him for cues of choking. It's not a relaxed event like breastfeeding. He is slowly breastfeeding more and more and never chokes while doing it-so I prefer this, but as I mentioned my milk turned to water and I lost most of it after the choking incident. 

The following morning after we got home my parents and Poppy got sick, so this meant no Poppy near the baby or Chris and I. She had to stay upstairs, this was pure torture. Remember, I haven't seen her for 5 weeks and before that I was on bed rest since October....poor girl just wanted her momma to hold her and her momma just needed her too-I was crumbling in Portland all alone without Ollie, Poppy and Chris. And now 2 weeks later Poppy has had a cough, got rid of it, got diarrhea and barfed, and now has a bad croupy cough again-torture, but yes, it could always be worse. 

Just trusting and praying that Loxxley doesn't get sick, we have taken every precaution we possibly can besides living on top of a tree in the sky all alone. :-)

Thank you my sweet family, friends and cyber friends for all your comments of encouragement. It pulled me through the last 4 months of this short life. I love and need you more than you know.

.someone loves her brother.

 

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Neonatal livin

So much love....whoa friends!! I sit here in the waiting room of the NICU (getting very tired of this concrete jungle and all the chemical smells) on my laptop to just get a breather and read your comments and they made me cry. I am so not strong, but your comments make me believe I am! Thank you. They mean so much to me and help me keep fighting this awful battle until I reach victory. 
I know victory will soon come. 

Many have asked me about transporting Loxxley in the air med. Well, they will not make a flight to another level 3 trauma facility if its not medically necessary, so flying is out because Loxxley is so stable. As soon as the docs tell me Loxxley can be discharged, and I hope I get at least a days notice, Chris will fly up here and drive home with us!! Can't wait for that day. It seems like 500 miles ahead of me.

Mr. Loxx is doing so well. He is just working so hard at his feeds. Poor little thing tuckers out after a few minutes and I have to constantly arouse him and kiss him until he wakes just enough for me to stuff the bottle back in his mouth. I am really working with him at taking a full bottle every.single.time. If he takes a full bottle for a day then the docs watch him for another 24 hours. We are so close. So this momma bear is hoping we will go home this weekend. Oh how I just need a break.....

<<<Hey mom, I am going to crumble when I get home, just giving you a warning>>>  (and crumble I did)

Oh and btw, most of my milk has dried up....darn. That's the best thing for this little guy right now. I need to blow this joint. Oh my. I am so ready. The nurse yesterday was so great about asking the docs if Loxxley could do a shift minimum which is basically him eating a  total of 200ml through out 24 hours. Sometimes he might take 55ml, other times he might take only 40ml. Today he took every bottle and 5 extra each time. Good boy!! I hate it here how they are so EXACT with everything and the numbers have to be just perfect and there is no budging. I totally understand that they need guidelines, but come on where are the patch adams doctors? Why can't there be any exception to 'the rule'? Not every baby is the same and not every thing works on every baby. They go on a general scale for everything....I hate it. When we have tried to shift things a little, Loxxley has done better and I had to push for that---remember this if you are ever a NICU momma. Your mothers instincts are usually correct!

One last thing. As I said in my last post, "It can ALWAYS be worse."  I just talked with a mother in the NICU as I often do. I am quite social-or maybe just nosy.  She sat and told me her story, I am not going to share it, but my goodness. Poor thing. My heart just broke for the major trials in her life. We both left each other agreeing that we are holding onto HOPE, when nothing else is left.

Hold on......


and ps. many of you want to know what you can do for me....your doing it by your comments and undying love!

6 pounder

Loxxley is now 6 pounds of pure goodness.

What a huge little dude.
Still just going slow on his feedings. He is taking about 53% of his feeds by mouth.

He has come a long way and is still fighting.

He has not had an episode that needed stimulation in about 2 days...Hopefully no more of those from here on out. I had a talk with him, I told him it scared mom.

Every time I take a minute to sit down and write, I have so many thoughts and yet, no thoughts at all.

My mind is blown. 

I'm stressed.

My back hurts and aches-oh the sweet nurse today asked if she could rub my shoulders.

Are you serious? This really happened? 

Such a sweet moment for me. 

I needed some physical touch and enjoyed every single second of it.

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I have had only a few meltdowns since my time alone up here.

I miss Ollie. 

I miss Poppy.

I miss Chris. 

and 

I miss Loxxley, 

while I sit in my hotel room alone....its lonely and quiet, too quiet-I'm getting used to all the alarms going off every few minutes, the noise and all the chaos.

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What I have learned lately...

1-God is in COMPLETE control of our lives. Once we accept this and trust, we are happier.

2-There is something significant for us to learn every.sinlge.day we are alive.

3-Trusting God and his power, his timing and his awareness.

4-Certain people are in your life for a specific reason and there is something to learn from everyone.

5-It could always be worse.

6-I am one of the few people who have never watched a super bowl and don't care...haha

Thank you all for your comments and love as usual. It really means a lot to me even if I don't have the time to comment back, I read each one of them and it warms my heart.

Sassy bum

Obsessed baby lover

Change

Just a few small things....

(Not really time to explain everything in depth-due to my lack of sleep, moving and my anxiety of leaving my child in the NICU for 7 weeks now)

A new job for Chris!

 He will be working for Doppelmayr as an engineer. A dream job for him. Got the job and moved out of our house within 2 weeks. This change will be a nice way to take a breath, collect ourselves and just slow down for a bit. 

A big move to Utah. 

Chris, Poppy and my awesome dad drove all night and then unloaded the moving truck today. We will be living in my hospitable parents basement appt.

We will miss Oregon. We have loved living here and eating at so many yummy and unique restaurants. We have so many friends who will forever be our friends and who we will deeply miss. Its so bittersweet to leave our neighbors who helped perform CPR on sweet Ollie. This house was the last place Ollie was...everyone knows Ollie there.

 Our Oregon 4th street and amazing ward will always hold a tender spot in our hearts-I have gotten so mushy with my words and more serious about life since Ollies passing-I will never be the same again.

Living at the Ronald McDonald house. 

I will be staying here until Loxxley is out of the hospital.  

Whoa. 

What an amazing place this is for families and what a blessing to be experiencing what so many have donated to. They take care of everything and provide taxis to and from the hospital at all hours of the day or night. 

A Big Gigantic thank you to everyone who donates to this great cause. 

Truly amazing in every way.

We hope to give back in a small way someday.

*****

A few pics of sweet Loxxley.

Because he's just so darn cute and precious in every way.

4lbs 11 oz. 7 weeks old. 

35 weeks corrected.

Has an NG feeding tube and is on diuretics.

He is still desating with every feed.

-in every pic he looks so different-

Anxious

I drive to the NICU daily and almost always am by myself. Since the passing on of Ollie, I get anxious every time I am alone. If I am in the car alone, the bathroom, the shower or sleeping alone, I get an anxious feeling, as if I'm forgetting to do something very important. I have never really experienced this kind of CONSTANT anxiety. It never really leaves, it just lessens at times, but worsens when I am physically all alone.

I DONT LIKE THIS. 

On the drive up to the hospital today, I started thinking of the time I rode in the ambulance up this same beautiful hill with Ollie. Today, I didn't mind the drive. It was sunny and blue skies all around. I was thinking about my little miracle sitting in that isoltte at the top of the hill. 

I have a MIRACLE. 

The miracle we prayed and wanted so badly with Ollie is now playing for our second son, Loxxley. We prayed just as hard for little Loxxley to be healed and made whole, and he is. He is growing. It seems so slow to me as I sit and watch the clock ticking by in between my stares at my little peanut. But the days are passing and Loxxley is getting stronger everyday, as am I! I feel like not much could stop me or tare me down anymore-not too sure this is a good thing because I'm a little callused. Momma bear has been unleashed. Watch out. 

•Loxxley currently is needing more oxygen. Yesterday they trialed him off his cpap, he failed. Little guys lungs still need help. He's strong. He's fighting and I am here by his side. Sure love that little peanut. 

•His feeds are at 34ml and fortified with 4ml of human milk fortifier-helping him gain weight I guess. 

•He weighs 1710 grams 3lbs. 11.2oz.

•He is getting a follow up brain scan this evening. 

•Still kangaroo holding him daily for about 3-4 hours. 

•Loxxley is now 6 weeks old and 34 weeks corrected age.

•He is still on caffeine to help his lungs work better and a diuretic to drain the fluid on his lungs and the rest of his body. 

So I guess we continue to fight this battle we call LIFE. And as I fight, I try to see the beauty and there is so much. 

LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY 

Photo credit http://xaxor.com/photography/30743-beautiful-landscapes-a-nature-in-hdr-photos.html

I heard a great little saying today as I was listening to a talk by Jeffrey Holland-a wise and gentle leader of the LDS church.  He said, "If the bitter cup does not pass, DRINK IT."  Whoa, am I drinking it. It is full and oh so heavy to digest. 

Here is the link of the talk. He speaks about depression and the dark moments. I found some very insightful words to help me in my grief. 

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng#watch=video

Love you all and once again thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. 

Tired

I am tired...again. This time I'm even more tired than before because I'm still running my emotional marathon of grief and now piled on to that is the emotional roller coaster of the NICU. Goodness sake. No time for myself. I don't mind, but how long can I do this? I guess at least with the NICU there is an end in site, with missing Ollie, it's life long and it's a physical pain.

My word, this NICU job is full time. I get up in the mornings, shower-sometimes-I know I'm awesome, make breakfast, clean up, pump, then race off to the hospital. Stay at the hospital until 7ish, pumping and holding my little man (I am holding him as I write this) while I admire his perfect features and furry body!!! Then drive a half an hour to arrive home just in time for my meal made by my special chef! Yum. I then relax for an hour and change into my pjs and fall asleep on the couch, exhausted. Where does the time go? The days go by so quickly. At least with the days passing so quickly, it takes me closer to holding Ollie-as I write this I still can't believe, accept, grasp, or understand that he isn't physically in our home to take care of. It's too much to bare. 

Loxxley is well on his way to 34 weeks-6 weeks old. It's so weird with this gestation age thing because he should stil be in my tummy. 

Poor little thing has all that 'stuff' on him. I can't wait to hold and snuggle him with out the cpap. He also has a football shaped head from the pressure of the hat. 

Today's stats

5 weeks 3 days old (33 weeks)

HR(heartrate):159

RR(respitory rate): 37

Oxygen: 94

Feedings: 30 ml

Cpap of 4: 23% 

3lbs. 9oz. 

One of the firsts times he has been wide awake while I'm there.