Yesterday was 5 months since my little Ollie left my side...I didnt even notice it until just now. what a horrible day that was. horrible doesnt even describe it well enough. Those 30 heart wrenching hours watching Ollie suffer were so painful and I am glad they are behind me now.
I have wanted to make other parents aware of how Ollie passed away so I am going to share something awful and sensitive to me in hoping another life may be saved.
My sweet Ollie and I were doing laundry like we always did, we were finished putting clothes in so we went out of the room and he followed. I must have dropped something (I later asked the detective what was in the laundry he said one sock, one rag and sheets) so he must have gone back to put a sock or rag in. He was such a great helper and so smart for his age. He loved following me around the house helping me clean. I went around the corner to look at what month I was on for my pregnancy. I didnt hear anything for just about 1 minute...I always hear something, at least humming, clanking or just noise...I heard nothing and I yelled his name. No answer.Panic set in. I ran frantically to the back door thinking OLLIE went outside. no sign of him. My instincts told me to check the washer...I knew nothing would be in there. Wow. the pain. sadness. shock. heart break. HORROR. Dis-beLieF. My heart sank to the floor, was torn apart and crushed all within seconds. And Im still alive. How is this possible??? I found my most precious baby boy lifeless and stuck in the washing machine...sorry I know its heavy. Take a deep breath. I am breathing very hard and heavy right now too. I am sharing this to save a life. I know it has already saved several lives. I am not going to go into anymore details of that moment but I will say it was the WORST moment thus far in my 29 years. I never ever thought Ollie or any infant would fall or could fall into a washing machine, I had never heard of something like this happening. What a tragic, horrible accident. and so weird. My old washing machine was a top loader. I now have a front loader (which doesnt clean the clothes very well but thats besides the point) which my super nice friends and LDS church members bought and installed before we got home. i am trying to work with the manufacturers to put a big red warning sticker and show a picture of a child falling in on all washing machines. My washer didnt have a lock and the adjutator still ran when the lid was open. Please please please be aware of this danger in your home. I hope someone reads this and it saves at least one life hopefully more. Life is so so precious and not to be taken for granted. Spread the word about the dangers of a washing machine...
So speaking of Water, my little brother Cody Barker is the co-founder of People water..so so proud of him. they save lives by giving clean drinking water...I find this quite interesting and no coincidence that my brother is saving lives by water. Water kills more people than war it self. My son died because of water and so do many others everyday because of the lack of clean water. Please support them and their efforts in providing water to those in need. drop for drop.
www.peoplewater.com
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Random people
I can't even tell you how many times through out my days (when I do get out) random people ask if poppy is my first. Weird. So many people. Almost every person I talk to. I never once had that question asked with Ollie. Maybe they need to hear Ollie's story, or it's a small way of healing for me or them. Whatever the reason it has always turned out good to share about the tragic way Ollie drowned.
I was running today with poppy in the stroller which I have started to do again, it helps clear my head and I went to a few garage sales. The first one was 21 blocks away I didn't know this when I started but I just kept following the arrows. I almost turned around then I felt like I should just not be a wimp and keep running. I got there and bought some winter clothes for poppy. It just so happens the lady had been babysitting 30 years ago and the infant died then years later her 13 year old son put a belt around his neck and killed himself. So of course we talked about death. This poor lady had never dealt with these deaths and carried the heaviness until a year ago. I don't want to carry this heaviness around so I have given it to Jesus Christ. He has helped take my load. We need to be inspired and inspire someone every day of our lives. What is the point of life if we only think of ourselves? I have truly learned through losing Ollie life is about LOVE and SERVICE. I appreciate all that has been shown to our family at this time. I'm going to make sure I pay it forward. And I already have been!! Xoxo
I was running today with poppy in the stroller which I have started to do again, it helps clear my head and I went to a few garage sales. The first one was 21 blocks away I didn't know this when I started but I just kept following the arrows. I almost turned around then I felt like I should just not be a wimp and keep running. I got there and bought some winter clothes for poppy. It just so happens the lady had been babysitting 30 years ago and the infant died then years later her 13 year old son put a belt around his neck and killed himself. So of course we talked about death. This poor lady had never dealt with these deaths and carried the heaviness until a year ago. I don't want to carry this heaviness around so I have given it to Jesus Christ. He has helped take my load. We need to be inspired and inspire someone every day of our lives. What is the point of life if we only think of ourselves? I have truly learned through losing Ollie life is about LOVE and SERVICE. I appreciate all that has been shown to our family at this time. I'm going to make sure I pay it forward. And I already have been!! Xoxo
Friday, August 24, 2012
No new pictures
I'm sad today and every day because I will never have any new pictures of Ollie. His time stopped march 24, 2012 all too soon. I see his precious face-only in a picture of course-and think how could I not ever hold or kiss him again? Seriously too much. I am thankful for the pictures I do have but I want new ones, I want more. I want to capture every milestone in his life and see him change and grow and learn but I won't have that opportunity. Ever. Never ever on earth.
My mind turns to thinking of Poppy. she is my other child she is here i need to enjoy her. I love her just as much as Ollie.
I know when I die I won't feel so cheated but for this earthly experience I can't help but feel that way. Not fair. I guess life was not meant to be fair but we are promised it's worth it. I sure hope so.
One of Ollie's last pictures :(
He's so stinkin cute and perfect in EVERY way. I love him.
My mind turns to thinking of Poppy. she is my other child she is here i need to enjoy her. I love her just as much as Ollie.
I know when I die I won't feel so cheated but for this earthly experience I can't help but feel that way. Not fair. I guess life was not meant to be fair but we are promised it's worth it. I sure hope so.
One of Ollie's last pictures :(
He's so stinkin cute and perfect in EVERY way. I love him.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Ollie's baby sister
Ollie thanks for sending a sweet little girl who smiles and warms everyone's heart. We love her so much and she reminds me of you. When I need a hug from you I just try to bury my head in her fat neck and smell her skin and think of you. It's not you but it's as close as I can get. I miss your sweet face every minute of everyday. I need your help. Please please hold me up and give your family strength to fight this trial.
Love your mom forever-I know with all my heart and soul you are mine forever and long for the day we embrace.
Love your mom forever-I know with all my heart and soul you are mine forever and long for the day we embrace.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Quincy's life celebration
Tomorrow August 19th is suppose to be a happy day for my sweet friend Angie who I love, but have never met. She lost her sweet Quincy Lee in a horrible car accident. Ollie and Quincy are now buddies in heaven. I hope they are having a party to celebrate her birth 2 years ago. I wish so bad her momma could cuddle her and feel her tiny,fat, soft hands. Quincy please hold up your sweet parents tomorrow and let them know you are happy and safe.
We long for the day we meet your precious face in heaven and get to enjoy these moments we missed out on down here. We love you Brady, Angie,Quincy and baby boy!
We long for the day we meet your precious face in heaven and get to enjoy these moments we missed out on down here. We love you Brady, Angie,Quincy and baby boy!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
MISSING OLLIE
As I open my bottom drawer that was "Ollie's drawer" I see his bibs which I made especially for him, his blue and purple sippy cup with bite marks on the lid, his animal crackers and goldfish which he would sneak and ask me to open, his Cheerios spilled all over, and all of his multi colored small cups. oh how my heart starts beating in pain longing for his touch, kisses and smell. My heart almost tears out of my chest in physical pain. How can I physically go on? I seriously wonder. This thing we call "grieving" is pretty much unreal and torture.
I stand in the kitchen and look to my right to see my precious other child Poppy. That is how I will go on. I must and I will. One day at a time sometimes minute to minute.
I stand in the kitchen and look to my right to see my precious other child Poppy. That is how I will go on. I must and I will. One day at a time sometimes minute to minute.
Poppy KAI Hebb
Meet Ollies proud sister Poppy Kai Hebb
Poppy is now 3 months old. She has been a blessing in our lives and we love her so much. She smiles all the time and is so smart. She has Ollies captivating blue eyes. lucky girl. She sleeps through the night (I totally needed this small blessing and feel I deserve it after losing sleep over Ollie) She is a great milk drinker and loves to eat all the time-notice the fat cheeks and hands. I know Ollie would love her sweet little smile and her tiny toes. He would just kiss her. I will kiss her extra for Ollie
Poppy is now 3 months old. She has been a blessing in our lives and we love her so much. She smiles all the time and is so smart. She has Ollies captivating blue eyes. lucky girl. She sleeps through the night (I totally needed this small blessing and feel I deserve it after losing sleep over Ollie) She is a great milk drinker and loves to eat all the time-notice the fat cheeks and hands. I know Ollie would love her sweet little smile and her tiny toes. He would just kiss her. I will kiss her extra for Ollie
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| She loves the bath |
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| Supporter of Peoplewater |
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| Blue Ollie eyes |
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| Hairy ears like her mom |
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| Minutes after being born |
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| Poppy |
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| Ollie |
Thursday, August 2, 2012
SHaTteRed WOrlD
I have been inspired to update my blog....I never wrote much but know I might only write..its for my healing and possibly other grieving mothers.
Since my last post my world has been shattered and turned upside down. I look back at all those pictures I posted and I feel it was just yesterday but also like it was forever ago. My sweet love of my life Ollie Kai Hebb drowned while at home. I dont even like to say how, but it is good for me to say it out loud and face the fact. He got away from me for just a minute and that minute I want to take back, and now I am forever changed. he was helping me with laundry and went back into the room and fell into the top loading washing machine, some how. I sit here in the very same room i was in just feet away from the laundry room and wonder how I didnt hear my little guy climbing or making any noise. I will never understand. I just hate that I was here at home when it happened and couldnt stop it. I wonder too as a mother why didnt God inspire me or him...4 months later I do believe it was Ollies time to go back to his Heavenly parents.
This grieving thing is sure hard core. I feel so physically sick. I bet if a doctor were to look at my heart it literally would have a whole in it. I physically feel this pain. It weighs down on my body and takes a lot of extra energy just to be alive and grieve. I never thought I could live through a broken heart but here I am trying to cope and its rough. I feel so strongly that all the prayers and fasting on our behalf have been the reason we are still barely breathing. I catch myself taking deep breathes because I forget to breathe.
On a happier note just one month after Ollie passed away I was blessed with another sweet love of my life Poppy Kai Hebb. I wasnt ready for her. It felt too soon after Ollies passing to have a baby. I wanted my Ollie and I wanted to grieve his loss. I knew him I didnt know her. It was pretty bittersweet delivering Poppy without Ollie there physically. I know he was there in spirit because I felt him. I was supposed to be a mother of 2 now. I worked hard to get to this point in my life and it was all taken away. I feel cheated sometimes but try to be thankful for what I do have. Poppy has been a blessing and I LOVE her just as much as Ollie. She is a great baby and I am thankful. She slept through the night at 2 months and is still asleep now at 9am. She smiles soooo much and it melts everybody's hearts. She is a little bundle of love sent from our guardian angel Ollie.
So what I am learning through this experience is that we can do hard things. You never know what your body, mind and spirit are capable of until you are pushed to the end. Everyone keeps telling me Im STRONG. I dont feel this way. But I know I am because a mothers worst nightmare is my reality. that almost makes me barf. I hate that thought. Like everyone says you always think you are immune to death...well we are not. Something I keep in my mind daily and repeat over and over is WE ALL DIE WE ALL HAVE TO DIE ONE DAY. We all Live and we all die but some of never really LIVE. I want to really LIVE. I want to do big things in Ollies honor. I want to be the BEST I can at Living. I dont want his death to be in vain so I know there is much to learn from this trial. I must ENDURE which I never really knew the meaning of until now. I really feel like anyone can do ANYTHING they believe they can do with help from GOD. I know this to be true.
Ollie today I miss showering with you as we always did and holding you close in the warm shower as you rested your head on my shoulder. We would then put lotion all over our bodies. You kept stretching out your precious hand (now I only have impressions of them) to have me put more on. You loved it. I enjoyed these tender moments together. I love you and miss you until we meet again. Help mommy and dad to be strong. Lift us up and please carry us a little.
Since my last post my world has been shattered and turned upside down. I look back at all those pictures I posted and I feel it was just yesterday but also like it was forever ago. My sweet love of my life Ollie Kai Hebb drowned while at home. I dont even like to say how, but it is good for me to say it out loud and face the fact. He got away from me for just a minute and that minute I want to take back, and now I am forever changed. he was helping me with laundry and went back into the room and fell into the top loading washing machine, some how. I sit here in the very same room i was in just feet away from the laundry room and wonder how I didnt hear my little guy climbing or making any noise. I will never understand. I just hate that I was here at home when it happened and couldnt stop it. I wonder too as a mother why didnt God inspire me or him...4 months later I do believe it was Ollies time to go back to his Heavenly parents.
This grieving thing is sure hard core. I feel so physically sick. I bet if a doctor were to look at my heart it literally would have a whole in it. I physically feel this pain. It weighs down on my body and takes a lot of extra energy just to be alive and grieve. I never thought I could live through a broken heart but here I am trying to cope and its rough. I feel so strongly that all the prayers and fasting on our behalf have been the reason we are still barely breathing. I catch myself taking deep breathes because I forget to breathe.
On a happier note just one month after Ollie passed away I was blessed with another sweet love of my life Poppy Kai Hebb. I wasnt ready for her. It felt too soon after Ollies passing to have a baby. I wanted my Ollie and I wanted to grieve his loss. I knew him I didnt know her. It was pretty bittersweet delivering Poppy without Ollie there physically. I know he was there in spirit because I felt him. I was supposed to be a mother of 2 now. I worked hard to get to this point in my life and it was all taken away. I feel cheated sometimes but try to be thankful for what I do have. Poppy has been a blessing and I LOVE her just as much as Ollie. She is a great baby and I am thankful. She slept through the night at 2 months and is still asleep now at 9am. She smiles soooo much and it melts everybody's hearts. She is a little bundle of love sent from our guardian angel Ollie.
So what I am learning through this experience is that we can do hard things. You never know what your body, mind and spirit are capable of until you are pushed to the end. Everyone keeps telling me Im STRONG. I dont feel this way. But I know I am because a mothers worst nightmare is my reality. that almost makes me barf. I hate that thought. Like everyone says you always think you are immune to death...well we are not. Something I keep in my mind daily and repeat over and over is WE ALL DIE WE ALL HAVE TO DIE ONE DAY. We all Live and we all die but some of never really LIVE. I want to really LIVE. I want to do big things in Ollies honor. I want to be the BEST I can at Living. I dont want his death to be in vain so I know there is much to learn from this trial. I must ENDURE which I never really knew the meaning of until now. I really feel like anyone can do ANYTHING they believe they can do with help from GOD. I know this to be true.
Ollie today I miss showering with you as we always did and holding you close in the warm shower as you rested your head on my shoulder. We would then put lotion all over our bodies. You kept stretching out your precious hand (now I only have impressions of them) to have me put more on. You loved it. I enjoyed these tender moments together. I love you and miss you until we meet again. Help mommy and dad to be strong. Lift us up and please carry us a little.
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