My goodness

25 weeks preagnant

Things change quickly around here...I share these details in hopes that I can help someone else going through this in the future......

I felt fine all day and had a wonderful night at my sleepover with Chris. We had special room service breakfast brought to us. Ha. A very expensive crappy hotel room. Something like $2,300 a night. 

The baby had a few cord compressions, so they moved me downstairs. Baby looked fine, so they moved me back up. 

I had a special surprise visit today-my sweet encouraging friend, Emily.

 She has been there for me for over a year and given me so much encouragement, hope and love. And I have never met her until tonight! She is 18 years old and dedicating her life to God, such an amazing person! She drove all the way from Seattle to give me a hug and rub my back!!! Whoa. There are kind people in the world. I sure love her. And she even climbed in my bed with me!!!

Right after she left, I started bleeding bright red blood. It was too much to not be worried. The doctor checked me and was concerned with the amount of blood, so she immediately moved me down stairs to the labor and delivery floor. I get so nervous every time this happens-this is the second time this has happened at the hospital. When you are pregnant fluids are not suppose to come our down there. So it's very unsettling and makes us all worry. 

I am currently hooked up to the fetal monitor and they're watching the baby closely for distress. The baby looks good and The blood test came back normal for a placenta abruption. That little fighters Hebb is making us proud!! We continue to fight with it. 

I'm going to go to sleep now, so hopefully things will be okay throughout the night. 

*26 weeks pregnant-a big milestone. Now onto 28 weeks!!!

*baby appears to not be in distress

*bleeding bright red

*no cramping

*no cervical dilation

The docs are taking great care of me and the babes!

A woman I have never met, who just had heart surgery and is going through some very difficult trials, sent us these beautiful flowers! Thank you! The little squirrel is just perfect! People are wonderful. 

Thank you for all the continued love and prayers. 

Always pondering on life

OHSU

Friday November 8, 2013

I have currnetly been in this hospital for 2 weeks now.

-Yipee-

 Never thought I would make it more than 2 days, with the loss of amniotic fluid, ruptured membranes and all the bleeding. I really had no idea that a baby could survive inside the womb without amniotic fluid. 

It just amazes  me.

It really is a miracle that babies are born with all their toes, fingers and a working heart!

They really are true miracles from heaven.

Prayers have been answered to keep this baby inside me, growing and developing.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS OFFERED, YOUR FAITH AND YOUR HOPE IN ME AND THIS BEAUTIFUL BABY.
 
Baby Update
*25.5 weeks gestating this little peanut
*Symptoms are still the same-which are none
*Doppler and vital checks every 4 hours in the day
*2 fetal monitorings a day for 30 minutes or longer if the baby has a dip in heart rate-today it dipped when I had a tiny contraction, so that is bad. They kept me on for an extra hour to make sure it didn't happen again. Of course when there is no amniotic fluid the risk for stillborn increases quite significantly. The baby can easily compress its cord and die within minutes. By the grace of God the baby will hopefully be ok. Things are still very scary and uncertain and that is why we choose to trust.

Guess who has a hot date tonight??

Chris and I!
Any ideas as what should I wear?
oh wait, I'll wear my sweatpants and t-shirt with my bright purple fuzzy socks, I hope he does't mind

I am so excited. I miss him so much, hes my buddy-and my private chef!

He is going to sleep over at the hospital with me!!! 

We might go on a wheelchair ride-seriously so cool, go to Starbucks,  look at the Portland skyline, or pay a visit to the NICU-oh, and snuggle of course.

Never thought this would be my exciting date night with the hubby, but I am happy.
Chris and I were talking the other night how this life we are now living is not exactly what we imagined when we were younger. We never knew we could hurt so intensely and feel so much pain. Such a hard reality for us to accept.

I always imagined finding a loving husband and having children, but never, ever imagine all the gigantic mountains to climb all  along the way.

As I sit here, I also think about how stressed out I was before I came into the hospital. I remember telling my mom for several mornings that I was at my breaking point with grieving, with Chris' jobs not working out, thinking of the rainy weather and preparing for the cold house, being lonely in Oregon, sitting in my house most days-depressed...not a healthy environment.
 I often found myself sobbing desperately on my knees missing my sweet Ollie.
Every fiber of my precious body was/is aching, longing and grieving to hold my baby boy.

*So longing to kiss those precious lips and nose, rub that tender skin and stare into those

 beautiful bright blue eyes.....one day* I have tried very hard since being in the hospital to focus on this baby now growing  inside me and getting it here safely. I honestly don't think my body could handle that pain of weeping uncontrollably. That deep, deep pain that acts as if my heart is crushed slowly by a heavy brick. I have not let grief overtake my body in that way. Yes, my heart is still severely aching, but I don't let it lash out as extremely. I am sure I will once the baby arrives. I am focused on this babe and the thought that my precious angel, Ollie is proactively helping from the other side!

My sweet Ollie,
 be with us, make us better individuals, more compassionate, more loving and more gentle.
Inspire us to do good things.
 Encourage us to endure.
Heal our broken, lonely hearts.
 Enlighten our minds with hope and faith. 
Guide us back to you.

Another Day!

OHSU 

Wednesday November 6, 2013
25.3 weeks gestating

***

 Yippee!

 Another day down. 

I kind of dont like wishing away my days, but I am.

 I am trying to still enjoy every day I am alive, even though I am under unfortunate, stupid and unwanted circumstances.

Yesterday and today have been uneventful as far as changes with baby and myself. Baby sounds strong and looks great-still wont know how the lungs look until delivery. Growing appropriately. The docs say babies grow almost a half pound a week at this gestational age!!

***

My mom and I had a big even out.
 We went down to starbucks and got a pumpkin spice steamer. 

YUM!

My mom and I are addicted! They are warm, delicious and just what we needed.

(seriously expensive though, Starbucks thinks they're cool)

My mom pushed me outside to get some fresh air. It was sprinkling and felt so refreshing on my skin. 

 People stared at me. 

I guess when someone is in a wheelchair, everyone wonders what is wrong. 

I always wonder the same thing.

***

The lady in charge of distributing the donations for the Doernbecher Children's Hospital, told me that the nurses and children LOVE the leg warmers and that they were all out and needed more.  She said the children use them as arm bands too, to cover up their scary IV's and they look so adorable in them!!!

So, I had 3 more bags of them at home and decided that this would be a perfect time to donate them.
So my mom pushed me over to the children's hospital and we gave them the leg warmers.
We will be making this an annual donation, so get collecting and knitting!!!

***

I was listening to radio lab about this couple that had a baby and beat all odds at 23.6 weeks pregnant. The odds were so against this baby.
The doctors pretty much thought the baby would not survive.
Well, little Juniper survived. She fought hard and long.
 6 months in NICU.
 As the parents described the critical choices they had to make, I knew what they had gone through. There is so much grey area between 23-25 weeks, because babies are not really viable before 24 weeks and even at 25 they still don't have much of a chance. Most doctors do feel obligated at 25 weeks to try and save the baby. These particular parents were going to allow the baby to make the decision for itself. If it put up a fight, then they figured they would fight too.
Time would tell.
They heard the heartbeat.
They felt it kick.
It was a real living being.
How could anyone ever make this decision?
I firmly beleive we can only do so much and then the rest is up to God.
He is the ultimate decider.  

***

My silly little girl comes to see me and has to sit right next to me pretty much until she leaves! 

I love it!

my cute Chris and Poppers

***

My sweet friend Natalia gave me this beautiful little statue.  Jizo aspires to save all beings from suffering. He protects travelers to the other side and is present to lead them to the right path. He protects pregnant woman and children who have died before their parents. Jizo helps heal your heart and mind during grief and loss. So Jizo is very welcome in my room. He is protecting me and the baby and healing our hearts, we need all the help we can get.

Thank you Natalia, I love it!

                                                        Hoping, praying and waiting!