Easter

This is the best time of the year to celebrate Jesus Christ and what he did for the world. It really is hard to understand and fathom what He really went through. Since I have a son who has passed on from this mortal life, I now look at life and Easter so differently. I never fully understood the ATONEMENT, Christs death and resurrection like I do now.  Christ literally carried me through my grief and I have said this many times before but He broke the bands of time and space so He physically is walking with me (and You) through my pain. I believe there is always heavenly help when we are going through something so dark----that really is the only way we can see the light.  Christ also rose from the dead and I know my sweet Ollie will one day in due time! Hurry up.

It has been 4 years.

Goodness.

My heart.

I catch myslef forgetting my past life.......with time, the memories fade, but the love never fades. Love is never ending and that I am thankful for. I just feel in my mamma heart that Ollie still loves me just the same as when he was alive. Love is something that will never die because it is an energy and we are all an energy. And energy is neither created or destroyed---science says so. So its true.

Time keeps on moving. The moment after Ollie took his last breath, I wanted time to stop. I wanted to yell to everyone that my precious son had just died. A life was taken from this earth. But many seemed to not even notice. Many seemed to still laugh, joke and carry on.

The more I live, I realize that everyone on earth is only in their personal shoes, we really don't know what anyone else is experiencing at that exact moment in time. No two situations are alike. I do believe we can help carry someone along and offer support in those dark days even if we truly have no idea what it feels like. And those people who have never experienced the loss of a child and still reach out to me. WOW. Can I just say, you are true angels on earth. Thank you Thank you!

So, people often ask me how I get through this extreme loss?

Well, to tell you the truth, I really don't feel like there is any other option for me. Some might feel they have options. But with what I know and feel and am, I only see it one way. To seek the light, seek hope, seek God, seek faith, seek goodness, seek happiness etc. Of course I lack hope at times but in general it has never fully left---the moment I was born it was in me. 

Honestly, EVERY HUMAN on earth is born with the light of Christ--the Holy Ghost, the comforter, our conscience our inner guide.

By our choices or sometimes others, we often lose this light and it dims through out our life if we don't constantly feed it. Seek that which is seeking you---the light.


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Sometimes I want to not think about deep things, but having a son in a place I don't know is rather exhausting. I fight daily to know, to see, to experience what he is.

One day Ollie will rise from his grave, I believe it will be on the morning of the first resurrection after Jesus Christ himself has again returned to the earth. I believe this really took place on earth and that Christ rose from the dead and Ollie will too!

Seek the light

Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We had a very quiet and simple Christmas, which allowed us to reflect on the important things of this life and the true reason for us celebrating CHRISTmas. 

Since Ollie died, life has more meaning--more depth. Every holiday, every birthday and every living moment is far more special because I know first hand how a memory can be a final one.

And how a breath can also be the last.

Ollie changed the course of my life forever, obviously. 

Poppy giving food and money to Debbie--a sweet 62 year old woman without an eye, who lives in a tent.

 He opened my eyes to the beautiful meaning of life, he opened me up to feel 

broken,

love,

crushed, 

lonely,

peace,

trauma,

hope,

terror,

faith,

devastation

and many other polar opposite feelings that remind me, I am still alive and breathing--and for that I am thankful. Most of these feelings I had never experienced at such a deep level. When Adam and Eve fell in the garden, it brought about opposition in all things. It brought about sorrow and joy, pleasure and pain, sickness and health. When I first experienced these terrible feelings of grief and hopelessness, I was so thankful when I could feel any bit of happiness--even though it was underlined with an awful feeling.  I kind of think grief may always be like this, an underlying feeling of longing or heaviness. As for me, 3.5 years after Ollie's death, I am still feeling the heaviness and loneliness of his physical presence. Life will never be the same, ever.  I am thankful to Ollie and Heavenly Father for allowing me to love even deeper than I ever thought possible. My love, faith and hope have all increased, due to my personal pleads of soul searching.

My sweet parents and brother always decorate Ollies spot with luminaries and sing silent night on Christmas eve....such a special tribute

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Today in church I bore a testimony that I know God (Heavenly Father) is the master engineer of this life. He knows what works, what doesn't and what is truly best--just like I do for my children. I am thankful Jesus Christ has not left me comfortless during my times of shear devastation and horror. The dark has lifted a tad and I am beginning to see some light--that doesn't mean the pain has left, but I do see hope in something greater in the life to come. I have an immovable testimony of this.

I can't help but thank all my sincere friends through-out the world who have continued to pray for our family and have done so many sweet act of kindness. You have truly carried our burdens that they may be light and walked with those that mourn.

 Mosiah 18:8-10 (Book of Mormon--translated by Joseph Smith--the most correct book here upon the face of the earth--I believe this with all my heart)

 8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

And now I go forward with faith in the one true God, to serve my fellow men, that their burdens might be light!!!

Happy Sabbath Day!

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What gives your life more depth?

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Click Here to read more about why the fall of Adam and Eve is a blessing to all.