The light

Today I was driving in the car listening to the music really loud, which I hardly ever do, but today I just needed to yell out the song and let some steam off. After the song was over I was thinking back to right after Ollie died---as I do daily.  It seemed as if I had been encapsulated in a power of light.  I couldn't even begin to think about talking negatively about anyone, listen to loud music that did't sound like angels singing, swear or watch any violence on the TV.  It seemed as if I was only seeking positive things and this pure light. I wanted only happy things to surround me. It was pretty blissful even though I felt and still feel this deep heartbreaking pain.

Now.....

that spirit of extreme goodness is slowly leaving me. I am not saying I'm now bad, but the pureness that was felt and carried along with me is fading a bit and I don't like it.  

I think, when others hear about a child tragically passing on, they tend to pray constantly for that family---those prayers are felt and surround the family.  Chris and I literally felt those prayers....there are not even words to describe the power, but we were physically carried by many angels--here on earth and angels not of this world.

Simply Amazing..... 

I loved all those feelings of blissfulness, I really do, but I do believe that is not of this world. I did get a sweet taste of heaven and the eternities and I can't wait for those days again when I transfer to the heavens to be with my children and family! 

^^^^^^

So, lets be honest......our society is so confused. I get confused too, as to what is right and wrong. I feel as if people are denying the very thought of heaven, God, eternities, faith, hope, love, self respect, the belief in angels, eternal life, families, and themselves.....they seem to be turning to what is cool or socially acceptable at that moment. 

EMOTION IS LOST.

I have felt this burning inside of my body to share my strong conviction of HEAVEN, GOD, and ETERNITY.....It is all for real and my son lives there. I can't help but seek a place I long to go and reside with my son.

Have you ever asked if these things are really true on your knees with a pure heart????

I have.

And they burn with in my entire body.  

I seek that perfect light my son is resinating.

I seek heaven, that place I will enter someday soon.

I seek God and Jesus Christ, the masters of the Universe.

and you should too.

We can seek all theses things and still, we are all imperfect......Since time began, man has seeked the heavens.

My peanuts bring me into the light!

That dang washer

Did you know I hate that stupid machine??? It makes me made every time I even look at it. I am still aboard that crazy roller coaster, experiencing bad and good days......the bad, crying moments only last a few minutes luckily. If you did happen to see me around town, you would proabably say I appear to be happy. I am happy, but there are times through out the day where I just sit and hate almost EVERYTHING....except my family, friends, and children! I get very depressed and have anger settle over my entire body.....This feeling is quickly removed from me the moment Poppy or tiny--aka. Loxxley, crawl on me and kiss me!!

^^^^^

Last night my sweet mom was washing the sheets because my sister had just gone home and Chris and I wanted to move into the bigger room. The sheets had been washing for a while now and I went to take them out and put them into the dryer. As I opened the lid the exact same picture overtook my mind----when I found sweet Ollie.

AAWWWW....YUCK...it really hurts my lungs, my back, my heart, my brain, and every inch of my body to think about that horrific moment finding my Ollie boy--the moment that significantly changed my life forever here on earth and in the eternities.

As I starred looking at the sheets, in that cold ugly washing machine--exactly what I was washing the day Ollie fell in.

I know, I too feel the intense pressure in my chest. Right now I almost can't breathe. Sometimes it doesn't affect me like this...other times I can barely say the words.

I seriously imagined Ollie in there....I almost put my hands in to feel him. My mind thought I was back at that exact awful moment. Thank goodness I don't ever have to find Ollie dead again---it sounds so weird and it really trips my mind out--this grief thing. this death thing. this burying your child thing....it's all awful and it's all hard to comprehend and accept.

I slammed the washer lid and ran up stairs to tell my mom the washer had gotten stuck on the first cycle with a full load of water.

I was angry at that stupid thing that took Ollie's life----I have to remind myself that we all will die one day and I can't really think of a perfect way for Ollie to have died other than peacefully in his sleep. I really think that there is an angel of death that peacefully removes all pain the moment we die....

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Or does this just bring peace to my soul?


I find my HOPE today in one day seeing sweet Ollie again. I find hope in knowing he is in the other room and very close to me.  He is aware. He lives on. He is real. He was and is my son.

Live in the moment before it passes.....say your sorry first. Love more, hug more and be kinder!!

^^^^^

I often find myself wondering why Ollie had to die in such a freaky, horrific way? I have never heard of this happening to another person. Who could have ever imagined this? Surely not me. He was too big and way too smart. I don't even know how he physically fit in there...once again, makes my stomach turn thinking about it.  I honestly think--call me crazy, but I think that by Ollie dying in this manner allowed more lives to be touched. This is all I can seem to come up with. It was such a shocking way that seemed to reach millions. Every person I randomly tell about the accident has already heard about it on the news. I know for certain Ollie has reached many, just like the random guy who said he has a special connection with Ollie and Ollie is his guardian angel. Wow. Pretty cool!


^^^^^

JOHN 4
 14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

Casket Pics

Sometimes I find myself thinking I am stronger than I really am.

I am staying at my parents house for a few months and for a while now, I have wanted to see the pictures of Ollie in his casket.

Not sure why I feel this strong desire?

So,  my mom found the pictures hidden on her computer and pulled them up for me, very slowly.

I prepared myself as we looked at the pictures of the displays we had put up to remember all of Ollie's favorite things.

Then, came the top of his head in the casket, I saw his sweet blonde hair groomed ever so nice.

I softly began to let out a cry.

Then the next picture,

Ollie's sweet face......this is where I began to sob.

The tears came flooding down my face.

I quickly turned my head and sobbed.

I had to tell my mom, I couldn't handle this like I thought.

I just could not handle the look of death and remembering his body all frozen in time.

My sweet Ollie.

His precious body laid to rest.

Sometimes I am weak....and that is understandable, I suppose.

Here's to the eternities.....and Ollie living on in my every breath.


^^^^^^


Revelations 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

INWARD

Some days are harder than others---just like everyone's own life. 

The reality that my sweet little Ollie will not ever be here upon this earth until the morning of the first resurrection, hits me like a brick to the gut. 

I get so woozy just accepting this FACT of my new life. 

I really don't like it at all---but there is not.one.single.thing I can do to change it.  That really sucks....we can never go back and change things to be how we want. Sometimes I just can't accept that Ollie really died before my eyes, he took his last fighting breath while in his mom and dads arms, we really buried his precious 34 inch body( I only know how long he was because we had to fit him for his casket----awww how horrible) and he is no longer physically at our home. People often tell me that he is with me, but I don't see him or feel him very often, I have only dreamt of him once in 3.5 years--it's jut a constant fight to see the hope. Little things have shown me he is near and I do get tender mercies but seriously that is not enough. 

Faith is damn hard. 

Can I say that again? 

FAITH IS DAMN HARD especially after the most trying event---your child passing on from this earth and in a horrible, disgusting, traumatic way. 

It really is quite torturous and life long. 

As long as I am breathing I will forever miss my Ollie boy and there will forever be a whole in my delicate, but oh so resilient heart.

This past year has been more healing than I could have imagined as I focus inward and on healing myself. The pain is still very real and present in my body but, I have learned what works for me to bring me joy while still experiencing the pain.  

It is often a minute to minute struggle. 

One must really dig to the core of their soul, the core of their being. One must look inward and find that peace. It is there. It might be hardly noticeable, but you will find it. 

I have been meditating and practicing  yoga to help with my intense PTSD. I have learned to use yoga/prayer/meditation as a way to function in my daily life. It gives me the peace as I face challenging times. It's a way to quite the mind and see God inside of you---the light is glowing within. When I am quite I have felt Ollie so near. I have felt the pain so intensely inside of my heart that I thought it might burst out of my body, as I lay and sob with grief and then I feel the peace. It does come, but only after the shear devastation and agony. 

I know the peace, the joy, and the happiness will be experienced one day when I hold Ollie again. I know the dawn will come and the son/sun will rise again. I believe with all my broken heart that Jesus Christ has made it possible for all of us to live again. 

Body and soul reunited!

 I can't wait to witness this miracle and run to my precious Ollie.

My new favorite quote which I believe to be true.

Take a deep look inward---see what you can find.  Just sit and be. What you seek will seek you!

BTW I sure love my two living children.....

NAMASTE!!

The Small Things

At night I do most of my thinking as I lay in bed and wonder how my life got suddenly so twisted. Oh, yes the big elephant is still there--Ollie's death.

Remember that big pivotal moment that changed the fate of my family forever? 

It still stings. 

Ollie.

The pressure in my chest is still there, the ability to take deep breaths is still lacking, and the shock is still very real. 

I know these feeling will never go away but, they have lessened as I learn to live with the shock, the pain and the loss of breath. 

My life has always been about the simple things. I am very simple in my dress, my hair and my desires. I like this and it works for me. Now, after Ollie's transitioning heavenward, it is an even deeper drive to be more simple and see what really matters in my life. I have just begun to wear mascara. That was ALWAYS the one item of make-up I wore...until that unbelievable day. I have not worn it in 2.5 years--mostly because I would cry it all off hourly. I tried to look at myself in the mirror those first few months, I just couldn't--I felt too vain.
My son just died.
How could I stare at myself?
Why would I care about myself looking good?
I have since thought a bit different nonetheless, I still feel a bit guilty primping myself. I'm not sure why, I just do. And seriously I'm not saying if you dress up and look good you are being vain, I just choose not to focus so much attention in that area--I just can't. 

So the simple things?

This is what I focus on now even more. 

Relationships.

Family. 

Love. 

Happiness. 

Service.

God. 

Testimony. 

Nature. 

Deep connections. 

Not stuff'.

For some reason after Ollie died, 'stuff' really weighed my mind and body down. I felt like if I couldn't have Ollie, then I didn't need all this materialistic stuff.
And in the end we can not take any of it with us.....ONLY OUR EXPERIENCES AND KNOWLEDGE. That's it. 

The simple things in life will one day add up to be the big things.

Make the small things count today. You NEVER get this day again.

^^^^^

Today Poppy and I were talking about Easter, Jesus, resurrection, and Ollie. I told her Jesus died like Ollie and He was resurrected so that we can all be a family forever one day in heaven. She listened politely and attentively. Then she quietly told me she needed to show me something. We both walked over to a picture we have of Jesus and a little boy--we say it's Ollie. She pointed out Jesus and Ollie. It felt as if it were her testimony to me that she knows where Ollie is. It was a matter-of-fact. She then began to tell me how Jesus and Ollie were holding hands in heaven. It was just so tender. I told her they are in heaven together and we will be there soon only because of Jesus dying and raising again. 

Noble Trees

This house we moved into in Carson, as we are told has been a true miracle.
Nothing was for rent in this area and if it was, it was very expensive.
Some hire power was certainly involved and knew we could seriously use this for
 our hurting and heavy hearts.
This house and acre of land has seriously played a BIG part in our healing in the last several months.
Being thankful for what we have....and we have so much.

 I feel the power of these wise and noble living giants!
Sometimes the wind is so severe up here I often wonder if the trees will blow down. They are so firmly rooted into the ground and have survived through so much. I think of myself as a tree. I must be firmly planted into the earth before I can begin to grow and I have withstood severe storms blowing my way. Then, after the storm on the sunny days they stand proud and tall.
They really hold a lot of power in them.
Try it.
Go hug one!! ha

They heal the soul.

Chris and I feel like we are camping every day when we wake up and look outside--there are giant 100 year old trees out every single window. 

Oh and did I mention?
 It's OLLIE BLUE sky every single day in Carson!! 

^^^^^^^^^^

We had a nice weekend in Napa enjoying our family and sunshine!
My children appear to be very happy and Ollie's death has not affected them too much in a negative way. I know they feel my love and concern. They see my sadness at times nonetheless, they see my happiness and love for life too.
I hope the happy times out way the sad and we can all heal together.

"All you can do is all you can do
 and all you can do is enough"

Healing

Yesterday and today turned out to be far better than I could have ever expected. I honestly can't believe the strength I have felt in the last two days....a lot of kind souls must be offering prayers on our behalf---we sure feel them. 

>>>God is good<<<

I really can't help but acknowledge God for the things in my life. 

He has a plan, I just feel it.
He has healed me and guided me.

The strength I get is from the one on high.

It is very interesting to me that the lower and harder you fall the higher you will climb due to the strength you have received after fighting your battle.  

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;

the most massive characters are seared with scars."

-Kahlil Gibran

I am STRONG and so are each and every one of you reading this.
Have some faith in yourself. 
 

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday sweet Poppy woke up asking if she could get her ears pierced. She has actually asked for months but, never really wanted to when it came down to it. 

I don't think for a second that it was a coincidence that she asked. We had wanted to do some special things as a family and this was just that. 

 

She got a tiny star earring.

How can we not have a good day with little missy in our lives.....

We also went to dinner at a new restaurant and a man without any children just adored Poppy and told her if he had children like Poppy he would have 10. I think it warmed this old mans heart and he wanted to buy Poppy pink ice cream....so he did. 
What a kind gentleman.

^^^^^^^^^^

One of my favorite songs lately...thanks Carly! 

Lennon and Maisy.  

Check these sisters out here

 

The Transition Day

All week I have had so much anxiety thinking about the BIG DAY.....

the big stupid day.

the giant elephant in the room. 

the horrible tragic accident that took his life.

the day my life changed forever.
the day we said our earthly goodbyes.

the day Ollie passed into the next phase of eternity.

 

Chris doesn't even want to remember 'the date' but, today I feel I want to remember.

It was the last time I kissed Ollie.

The last time I held him,

smelled,

touched,

and

sang to him. 

The last time I 

washed his dying body,

the last time I saw his beautiful blue eyes,

the last time I touched his messy-stringy-thin-blonde hair.
That day was the last time I would dress him and
it was the last time I heard him breathe.

The last precious earthly moments between a parent and a transitioning child.

It was a day of many lasts with our precious Ollie boy and I cherish every single one.

These pictures hurt but, they don't hurt as much when I think of where Ollie's spirit is. 

I truly believe the longer I live, that Ollie is in the spirit world in
blissful enjoyment--pain free and happy.
He lives on.
He will one day be resurrected to perfection.
He will rise the morning of the first resurrection into my arms.

^^^^^^^^

Today 3 years later.....

I am a changed momma.

My heart is oh so heavy but, today I am healing

and thankful---I honestly NEVER thought I would get to this point.

Today I focus on Ollie's spirit residing in our home---at times I have been so blinded
by grief that I could not see. 

And as I am often reminded....someone ALWAYS has it worse and this is why I am thankful. 

I am deeply grateful for my constant support over these last 3 foggy years. 

I honestly couldn't have done it without prayers, family, texts, emails, and God.

Thank you,

Thank you,

for the LOVE! 

^^^^^^^^ 

A few of my favorite memories of my precious 
Ollie Kai Hebb
June 21, 2010-March 24, 2012

• Holding him for the first time after working so hard to bring him into this life--pure bliss.
•  Watching the way he inspected small things on the ground and trees. 
• His shaggy blonde hair. 
• His gentle spirit and demeanor.
• I loved his fat hands and dirty finger nails.
• I enjoyed watching Ollie and Chris swing outback-the bond they share is tender.
• Rocking and singing to him until he fell asleep.
• I loved pulling Ollie behind the bike trailer while riding in the pouring rain.
• I loved how the first thing right after he woke up was to go outside rain boots and all.
• Ollie  would dance to electronic music and I would film him.
• I miss pulling identical faces with him for a selfie.

Ollie, 

Be near us until we hold you again sweet angel of ours.

 "Because I live, Ye shall live too"-Jesus Christ
Be inspired 

>>>disclaimer because people often take things the wrong way<<<
This blog is an outlet....its healthy for me. 
I don't always feel these horrible feelings.

Leaving your child behind.....

Chris and I recently took a spur-of-the-moment camping trip to the big island of Hawaii. We decided not to take the kids so we could enjoy each other and get some rest--I'm actually way more tired since my return home...it always works out like that. My parents agreed to watch our dogs and kids so we met them half way in Elko to do the exchange. I knew my kids would be in good hands and I knew the worst could happen--they could die. I still was okay with leaving them.
And you know how I was okay?
Because I believe one thousand fold that Heavenly Father is in control of our lives. I know many would disagree with this, hopefully one day you will understand the POWER of GOD.

He is real.
He is all knowing.
He is all powerful.
And He is also all loving!

As Chris and I got home after dropping our children off, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. I felt helpless and lost. My house was quiet and clean. I couldn't really do much and packed my clothes quickly--I ended up forgetting a lot. It took my straight back to the day we came home after leaving Ollie's precious body at the hospital to prepare for his burial.

How is a parent expected to just walk away and leave their child???
It was nearly impossible.
It almost killed my soul.
The life was sucked from my body and we were exhausted.
The only way we could leave Ollie's body behind was knowing he was not present....He was somewhere else. His spirit was clearly missing and I know it went home with us that day and has never left!

I remember dragging ourselves out of the hospital with crushed hearts and our heads hung low.  We didn't even know what to do next. We felt completely broken to the core. I got in the car and the first thing we had to do was remove the car seat...to never again be used by Ollie--my heart broke again.

When we arrived home, I saw all of his toys organized in his play room--my friends organized my house before we got home, his clothes hanging in his closet to never be worn again by him, all his earthly possessions....and all I wanted was Ollie. They meant so much to me because it was all I physically had of him. Thinking back of walking into my house it felt so empty but there was a stillness and beauty very present. My ward had put flowers in every single room, cleaned everything and brought food over.  I remember thinking Ollie had gone around the house before we arrived and sprinkled his warm spirit through out--it truly felt like this amidst all the pain and sorrow. There were also daffodils all over the yard in bloom and the sun was shining brightly. It was a glorious day in heaven for Ollie's arrival--I am sure if this. People were so kind to us. This kindness is why I am breathing today. I will forever try to show this love until I take my last breath here upon this earth. The darkness felt that day was so painful and I am grateful that today is not that day, I have come so far. Yes the PAIN is still very alive in my soul but I try to extinguish it with happiness and faith.

Oh how I miss my baby boy more than any word could ever express and with my earthly eyes, I hate the day he died and went into the next realm. Part of me believes it was far more glorious than I can imagine for him to enter into heaven. 

Today I am grateful to be home safe and sound with my Poppers and Loxxers. They mend my wounded heart.

The Washer

That damn thing.....my goodness.
I hate talking about it.
I hate seeing it.
I hate that it took Ollie's precious life.
I just hate it.
All of it.
It hurts my heart to use it.
It really hurts.
Why won't it just leave me?
Why can't I stop putting so much attention on an object that took my sons life?

Annoying.

^^^^^

Of course when we moved here to Carson, guess what was THE ONLY thing to get broken in the move?

The washer.
Yep.

We hooked it up and ran a cycle, and sure enough water came squirting out of the back and flooded the entire laundry room.

Seriously???
 
What is it trying to tell me?
That I need to wash my clothes down by the river???
I know and want this already.
I have always wanted to live a primitive life.

I have been submitting claim, email and phone call, one after another----alll to talk about my stupid washing machine that is not even 3 years old....my awesome ward in Oregon, so thoughtfully bought us a brand new one the day Ollie passed away.

How pathetic.

I'm over it already. 

Stop getting in my face, you ugly machine, I already spend way too much time with you than I ever wanted.

^^^^^

Anyone else have demons that jump up in your face and won't leave them alone?

Check out some art work, it is beautiful in every way. It speaks to my momma heart!!
http://beyondwordsdesigns.com/?page_id=2886

Loxxers

Poppy made up a nick-name for Loxxley and I think its just so cute...Loxxers. 

So he now goes by, 

Loxxers

 Loxx, 

Little Loxx,

Loxxopher-after Christopher

and baby.

I thought I should update on our miracle little man since he is doing so well.

I know so many of you followed the story during those scary times when we thought he wouldn't survive....and I thank you.
 Well, today he is surviving and thriving!
He is about 20lbs.

He is almost crawling and probably the happiest baby around.

He doesn't stop smiling.

He tries to cry and be mad, then he has to smile--it warms my heart...
Oh, and I almost forgot, he is sleeping through the night!!!
YAY!
Never thought the day would come.

And yes, you see he's got some nice chompers, nine to be exact.

And yes, he's still the hairless rat!!!

Yes I still...

nurse Poppy and she's almost 3! Yep, she can say, "mom, I want a drink of milk" and I nurse little Loxx of course too, sometimes at the same time, yep at the same time, and it's what works for us. 

And I'm ok with it! 

They hold hands as they nurse and it's just tender. Poppy even strokes his head as she thoroughly enjoys every moment. It heals all of our hearts as we let our spirits align in that moment! 

It's just beautiful, healing and pure!

Poppy has been through so much inside the womb and out. She still will say to strangers how her momma was in the hospital and how much she hated it. She even brings up that her brother Ollie died and is in heaven. That's a lot for a 2 year old to take in. All of this surely affected her deeply. And I just feel so bad as I try to help her work through it--kind of hard to do with a two year old, but I swear she is a very wise and precious soul who knows so much about this life already.

Wise beyond her years.  

And she's just so dang funny. 

Yes, I give my baby a bottle of goats milk in a plastic bottle. Well, it's BPA free. You're exactly right, breast is for sure BEST.  I totally never wanted to give my babies bottles to supplement my milk,but as I am finding out, I now have to do certain things to just survive. 

If you only knew how stressful that dang NICU was, then you would pass no judgement. My plentiful milk utters dried up shortly after about 3 months of being home from the NICU. The stress finally caught up to me and took me under. I had soooo much milk I could pump while in the NICU with Loxxers that  I gave two other mothers giant bags full of milk...and then I dried all up like an old heffer. Darn. 

Man, stress can kill you, I swear it can. It is so interesting that you can do everything correctly for your health and still be so sick. Stress, it's for real. 

Yes, I also give my almost 3 year old a binki, again something I never wanted to do. But, I'm ok with it and it works. The things that once seemed big are now so small and insignificant in raising my children. 

And I also give Poppy chewing gum, even though I don't chew gum myself. She just absolutely loves it. It changes her entire demeanor the second it hits her mouth. It's just crazy. But again, it works for now. 

The longer I unwillingly learn to deal without my child living on earth, I realize how unimportant so many things are and that I have to constantly do what works for me and my kids. And I have learned time and time again, to not judge the person or saturation. 

Goodness, you just don't know where someone is coming from and when you hear their reasoning, you usually feel compassion and understanding and sometimes you feel very bad for them. 

^^^^^

What do you do with your kids that your willing to admit isn't so good for them, or that you never thought you would do?? 

Please share. 

Strong Humans Are We

It is interesting to me how the last 2.5 years have been the fastest years of my entire life...obviously because, so many large mountains have manifest themselves in our once, care free path.

I am actually blown away with how much the body can go through and still survive, yet how fragile it is and how quickly it can die. Ones soul can also take quite the beating. It is only when you are stripped of everything-you have nothing else to give, then you will find yourself and what you are truly made of--you also can find God too.

Going through the trauma of finding my precious child inside my washing machine almost dead--sorry I know its hard to read, but its what it is and I face it head on in order to one day jump through it all. And then all that comes with your child's death---I am too weak right now to go into details, and then fighting to find a reason to stay alive yourself. I truly have been to the depths of my rock bottom many times over- I hope, I thought Ollie's tragic death was all I could handle.

Nope.

Then I had the sweetest 2.5lb miracle. And that came along with so much will to persevere....man it was so so hard to fight through it day after day.

No wonder I am still tired?

Chris brought to my attention yesterday, that we need to give ourselves some credit for what we have been through......two super duper gigantic life changing events.

Yea, I already cried uncle with Ollie and threw in the towel.
Whats up with that God???
How can I be expected to do more when I am already finished....so I thought.
Seriously?

Well, I am living proof you are all stronger than you know. You really truly are. Don't ever doubt that. Have some faith in yourself--I telling myself this now. I sure had no idea I could live through all of this.....and I know the world is just getting more and more rotten, so I know there are more trials in store for me. I couldn't have done it without my hope and belief in our one true loving God. I know without a doubt He is aware of you and I, even though I often don't see it. I have had a lot of love shown to me and I believe it is all through the power of prayer and others being inspired to share their love.

THANK YOU
THANK YOU!

I fight with the powers of the universe to live on earth and to live happily and mightily until the breath is taken from my body.....

Here's to life, love and 2015!

//I do know that loving God and speaking of Him is not the so called cool thing to do these days but, I just can't help it.....God is all around us. And so is my sweet Ollie boy! Oh, and I am not trying to be cool.. haha

The world is grand, get our there and truly live!! 

2009 Basil, Switzerland--where my family is form.

Perfect

With all the social media and ability to look-or sneak into others daily lives, it has gotten to be too much for me. Everyone ALWAYS appears to be so PERFECT and happy. Their lives on camera and online are so together. No one is posting pics of them crying, a messy home, their disaster dinner, their hair a ratty mess, the dirty dishes piled high, the kids screaming, or the tiny undecorated Christmas tree with no presents under it.

I get this feeling that my life is so dull. 

So boring.

So hard and unfair.

I get jealous. 

Oh, yes I get envious.

I know life is not perfect and it was not meant to be. 

But, come on, through these pictures and updates of only the picture

PERFECT life and the stress free dream people live in, I just get sad.

 I have pity parties often, obviously. 

Sorry.

My life is FAR from perfect in so many ways. I like it that way, just a bit.  

But here is my perfect son.

 Oh, how I long for him.....

 

I guess I put myself in this silly funk....... 

I just finished reading the entire police report of the day Ollie slipped into heaven. I read every single persons account of what took place-from their view. Everyone said such nice things about me. That I was a great mom and that Ollie was always happy and right by my side.  It was very hard to read exactly what trauma he had experienced and what wounds were on his body and my friends account of pulling his lifeless body from that horrible machine.....but sometimes I need to go there.

it was hard to read.

Today as I read through the papers I had once read over, I was very sad of course, but I have so much more hope than the day Ollie passed on. I have a strong conviction that he is with Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. I have grown into a mighty woman and a powerful soul, with HOPE.  More powerful than I EVER thought possible. I am becoming things I never dreamed of---and some not so good things too. 

I am also very weak.

I know life for most is not perfect, and I don't wish for anyone to experience what I have, or to not have their perfect life. I just hope I can focus on the positive in my world and see the beauty that still exists around me and continue to push forward.

***

Another reason I am sad, is my bro and sisters friend Seth Potter passed away after being on life support for a week or so. I followed the update daily with anticipation that he would pull through. 

It took me right back to the last tender moments with Ollie.

 I felt for his parents.

Oh, my heart.

Their heart.

BROKEN.

Shattered.

 The loss.

Remembering and honoring smiley, Seth Potter. 

Today was his celebration of life. 

Ride hard.

 

Family Dynamics

Lately, I have been really having a hard time since moving, because Poppy has been pooping and peeing her pants several times a day and regressed to being a baby. She wants to be big, but I see in her wanting to still be a baby. She still needs her mommas attention. She has been through so much in her 2.5 years. I am constantly reminded to be patient with my precious child-she is grieving her brother too.

I lay awake in bed at night thinking of how different our life would be if Ollie were still living in it physically.  Poppy and Loxxley's would have been a perfect addition to our life we had with Ollie-pop.

In my church many people believe-as do I, that one day Chris and I will get to raise Ollie again from the age he was when he left this earth-2 years old. I long for this reunion.

But what about NOW.

What about all the memories we create together as a family here and now.
Someone is always missing. A feeling of unrest is always present at every family gathering and activity. I totally believe that I will see Ollie again and be his momma forever and also raise him and watch him grow-in the eternities, but I want him NOW. I just want my family to be complete-and it never will be here upon this earth.

Joseph Smith-A prophet of our church said: "More powerful to me are the thoughts of annihilation than death. If I have no expectation of seeing my loved ones again, my heart would burst in a moment, and I should go down to my grave. The expectation of seeing them in the mourning of the resurrection cheers my soul and makes me bear up against the evils of life. It is like their taking a long journey, and on their return we meet them with increased joy...."

So I look forward to my death and to the next chapter of my existence in the eternities with hope-if I have no hope my heart too would burst from sadness, but today I live each day as if it were my very last.

Really, Life is so Damn Precious. I can't bold this statement enough and damn doesn't even do justice for the power of how precious life is. Our God who gave us our breath may take it at any moment in time.

Live and live well my friends. Make today special and make today count! You never get this day to do over.

^^^^^^

"The only difference in the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light 

and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but do not mourn as those without hope." -Joseph Smith

How To Help Someone Say Goodbye

I have gotten several emails and text in the last few years-especially the last few months, from family and friends asking how they can help a friend who has just lost a child. I feel so compelled to reach out to them and offer some help along the way, as so many did with me.

I thought I would again share some ways to help. Tragedy is all around us and I believe we can truly help carry each others burdens.

Chris and I needed all the help we could get that tragic day, from the heavens on high and here on the mortal earth. 

We were lost.
We were broken and others are to. 

We were in shock and our minds couldn't think clearly, we welcomed all the help.  Please lend a healing hand to someone who is hurting. 

//I share this tender picture only to show the devastation on my face---pure devastation//

-Pray, pray and pray some more for the family to be uplifted daily and for strength to endure what they are unwillingly facing--prayers really will carry them through the shock. 

-Try lightening their heavy load and daily responsibilities in life so they have more freedom to grieve and be in the moment. This could be, bringing over meals or snacks, grocery shopping, cleaning their house, paying bills, arranging their carpool, etc…

- When you mention their child, speak as if they are still here-in present form.
 
- Remember holidays and birth dates of their child through the years-grieving the loss of a child is a long journey and will last a lifetime.

- Ask direct and to the point questions. Don't beat around the bush. Ask them if they want to talk, to be alone or if they would like your company.

- The first week after a loss is often a good time to take care of business. God has given us the emotion of shock- this numbness allows us to function and take care of business. Once this wears off, parents can collapse and go through periods where they simply cannot handle even daily routine-life can get to be just too much.

- Once the shock wears off, people often look for ways to start over or regain control of life that seems to be making a downward spiral.  Encourage Your friends or family to make decisions slowly. They might look at moving their home, adopting a child, changing jobs, divorce, etc… Often times people are desperate and are trying to push away the grief--it will never leave them.

- Watch out for when the parents are unable to take care of the basic responsibilities such as paying the bills, house cleaning, sorting mail, or going to work, etc… these can all be too much to handle. They may need some major interventions from close family and friends. 

-I know this list can be overwhelming, but most importantly try to let the family know you LOVE them and haven't forgotten their child.

- The goal of the journey through bereavement is not to leave grief behind-the loved one will never disappear- but to become functional grievers and to know they are loved.

Read more ideas on how to help  here

Please buy a washing machine lock here

Are You Living on Earth?

My mind wonders.

 My thoughts drift to a happy place, pain free, guilt free, beautiful beyond earthly comprehension and full of pure happiness.

This place is heaven. 

I dream often of going there. 

I dream often of what my Ollie is doing there.

I know it must be something very important for him to be there instead of here.

I am sure it is a beautiful place.

As I dream about heaven and Ollie, I am quickly taken back to earth with my living children when Poppy pulls my arm saying "Momma, hold me, hold me" 

or 

Loxxley wanting to nurse every few hours

or 

Poppy randomly peeing her pants

or

Loxxley screaming because he fell and hit his head

or

Poppy dancing up and down with excitement because she saw a squirrel

or 

Loxxley staring into my eyes ever so sweetly as I rock him
or
Poppy telling me her tiny doggy can walk like her.

My children need me--and boy do I need them.

I have been thinking a lot of how I am here and now still living upon this earth. 

I must live for today and take care of my living children. 

I miss Ollie so much.
Often I focus on his death and his lack of presents so much that I miss the cute things that are happening right in front of me.
I must make the most of TODAY. 

Here is to Poppy and Loxxley and the life they live, they bring me so much joy

Today I live for you both-and Ollie of course, that's a given.