Answered prayer

November 23, 2013 was the day our little miracle entered this world and took his first breath. Our prayer was answered this time with this boy--a little sooner than we had hope, but none the less answered. 

Loxxley was 2lbs. 5oz--too tiny to survive, so we thought. His skin was transparent and he was pure skin and bone--no fatty meat. He looked weird and very malnourished. We were all so scared of what the outcome might be--we had heard so many stories of hope and survival, but we also knew his breath at any moment could be his last. 

So, for the next three months we held him daily for as long as we could until our backs hurt from not wanting to move an inch, thinking we would disturb him too much. I often thought of how lonely he was in that foreign incubator and how much he was fighting to stay alive on this mortal earth. So, I knew I needed to fight my hardest too, even until almost falling face down from exhaustion. 

Those months were filled with mostly pure chaos and exhaustion, but also sweet moments holding our fragile little boy--those were priceless moments in time. Pure bliss. 

I think those months-actually the last year has gone by without much thought, well, without much stopping and smelling the roses. It seems to have just flown by while I was standing there in a blur watching it all happen--of course I have been very present and in the moment, just looking back it seems this way.  I guess I might still be in a bit of a grief cloud. This last year has been very healing in many ways staying busy, something in the first few months after Ollie passed away that wasn't healthy. We couldn't bare to even wake up in the mornings to find our nightmare still true, so how could we be asked to do our daily tasks, like simply shower. We were devastated beyond comprehension. And still are, we have just learned in 2.5 years how to live without Ollie...it stinks big time. 

Since the day Loxxley was born,

I have grown stronger than I ever thought possible, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Happy Birth day Loxxley Koa Kai! You are loved so much. 

And your smile, my goodness, it never stops!!!

*Baby Update* written 10/24/13

Chris and I received very unwanted news two days ago, as we waited for the maternal fetal specialist to tell us the results of our, what we thought would be normal, ultrasound. The short version of what he basically told us, was  that the baby had no amniotic fluid surrounding it-later I called him back and ask if there was really 0% fluid and he said well there are 1-2 cm pockets, but from a medial standpoint that means zero....I felt like there was no hope on his part. I didnt want false hope, but man, that was rough news. That tiny percentage gave me hope.

Today as I sit here in my home, I am on strict bed rest-only bathroom privileges. Whoa, what a change from chasing around an almost 2 year old wild woman. I have a lot to sit and think about. You might all be asking yourselves, "how can Tiffany and Chris be handling this right now after losing Ollie?" Well, not too sure how we are. I wanted to just crumble to the floor in disbelief when the doctor told us we might lose another child, but I didn't. We left the appointment crying and in deep despair. We were both in shock. Probably still are. I didnt really listen to what the doctor was saying from the point he said no amniotic fluid....I zoned out. Had no hope. Pretty much thought my only option to save me was to induce labor-so not the case after much reading and listening to many other stories. Thank you to everyone who has sent me stories of HOPE, they seriously made my views and out look do a 180.

So, we are mightily moving forward with faith and hope. It is all we have. We have nothing else. We can not do anything to change this, except have hope or have none, and we choose hope! I am hoping and praying for a miracle. I KNOW they CAN happen, sometimes they dont, like with Ollie. Not sure why I have so much hope today after all that we have been through in the last year and a half. I feel like I should be curled up in a tiny hole shaking with fear, but I choose HOPE. Hope in this baby, hope in my body to make the proper nutrients, hope in these very knowledgeable doctors,and  hope that the baby will survive and be a fighter. I have great hope in Gods plan, His love and His timing.

So please, join me in hope. Hope for yourself, for the future, hope for life.   

**Interesting story
Last week I had an appt because I was still leaking fluid, I went all by myself and was so stressed out, I showed up to the wrong office-the other office is 45 minutes away. So, I told the nurse my reason for coming in and that I showed up at the wrong office. She suggested I go straight to ER or drive to the other office/hospital. She was very concerned, but I told her I might just drive back home. I could tell she was annoyed with my decision. I ended up going straight home and crying. I didn't want to worry about what news they might tell me. I couldn't handle any bad news. It was just too much.

We made another appt. for Monday. Chris was able to go with me this time-a tender mercy. I am so thankful I didn't have to receive this horrible news alone. Anyway, I called the nurse today and it happened to be the same one. I could feel that she might still be a little disappointed in my decision. I then began to tell her the reasons why it was just too hard for me that day to make the appt. I told her all about Ollie and the accident, and now we were facing this new trial. She felt so bad. I could feel in her voice her heart soften as I spoke. I began to cry as I told her that we have decided to not induce this pregnancy and this baby deserves a fighting chance. As I began to tell her this, I knew without a doubt I must put up a big fight.  If I, as the mother dont fight for it, who will? I feel so strongly as I type this. This baby Hebb #3 deserves hope, it deserves a chance. It is still in my womb fighting from the inside and I we must fight on the outside, it isn't dead yet. It has a heartbeat and still growing. There is hope!!! 

***We might find out the sex because females put up a better fight at this gestational age. (Just like her momma)

Day 4

OHSU Hospital

I guess the nurses are checking my vitals every 4 hours, even all through out the night. A little much for me-I'm going to request an 8 hour span between checks. So I didn't get much sleep last night, which I think I deeply need in order to grow this baby. So we will see how tonight goes. 

The day was uneventful, which we like. The day consisted of ordering my food, texting a few people, a lot of praying, visualizing my baby and body healing,  more food and lots of water and coconut water. 

**No signs of labor, no cramping. No infection and baby sounds great!! Another day down. Just cooking this little bun. 

      This is just me....all snuggled in. 

Trying to make this a positive experience. 

Thank you for the many sincere prayers offered for our family. Seriously, Chris and I are being carried. And we are still very hopeful. 

   *********

Miss this little face and my daily snuggles...but I know gramma b and Chris are taking great care of her!

Day 3

OHSU Mother Baby Floor

10/27/13

Today I got transferred to the mother baby unit. The beds are bigger and much softer and the room also has a bed for a guest!! 

They will be checking my vitals every 4 hours...awww. Even through out the night. It's a good thing, but I do hope I am able to get some sleep. 

Chris, my mom and Poppy came to visit and bring me some delicious home cooked food-which I am already craving. I miss my personal chef :(( he brought me Braised pork with raw beet and carrot salad!! It was yummy! The food here, in my opinion, is gross and so blan. Of course I would say this, I have a personal chef who uses a variety of herbs and spices!

The hospital has already offered us fee tram tickets, toys for poppy, magazines, books, games, playing cards, journals, fuzzy cute slipper socks, raspberry chapstick, and vouchers for a healthier snack choice-and it's all donated by others. So kind of these generous people. 

**So the plan is to just keep growing the baby and sit tight and take it day by day. My vitals are all normal-checked every four hours all night...awww and babies are great too and she/he is constantly giving me love taps in my tummy. So now the baby and I work together to win this fight. 

One more day.....

                       **********

        You might find this funny.

      My dinner...don't be jealous. 

Day 2

OHSU Labor and Delivery

10-26-13

-Special people who were in my life today-

I received the best nurse for my first night, she was so kind. She held my hand, she cried with me and even offered hope. She told me she never takes her work home, but this time she would hold a special place for me and my family in her heart. She even asked her husband who is a pastor to put our names on their prayer book. Kind lady who I will always remember and thankful she could so gently take care of me. She touched my soul and I think I touched hers!!

Another sweet woman cried with me tonight too. She was an OB doctor. I see many different doctors everyday. They all rotate-which I like because they all have a different personality and ideas to bring to this situation. This is a teaching School/Hospital so they are up on all current knowledge mixed with doctors if great experience. The more heads, the better. So this sweet OB asked if I had concerns, I told her no. We talked for a while about this baby and babies in general. She told me she had a 21 month old boy. Then of course I told her about mine. She began to cry. She took me by the hand and wrapped both of hands around mine and said she was truly so sorry. She looked at the book I brought with me of Ollie. She cried again. She was speechless. She told me everyone here is rooting for us and will help wherever they can. And she left the room in a somber state. 

And one more neat person I met today, he is the head OB doctor. He came in to pay me a visit and the first thing he said to me was that he was deeply sorry this was happening to me. We talked about some of our hard decisions and I asked him if they were reasonable. He said that was a very hard question and have me his thoughts and suggestions. I listened. I told him I was doing everything as the mother and life supporter of this child, that I thought would oy help her/him. I told him about my certificate in holistic nutrition. He wasn't sure what this was. So I expounded and told him its mind, body and spirit vonnecytion to all things and how nutrition plays a huge part-all things are in harmony with one another. He was very intrigued and said they have just recently added a nutrition program who is working with them to see the benefits of nutrition on a growing baby. He said it's actually the most important thing you can do for your baby-I wanted to say "duh, of course it is". But I didn't. Anyway he loved that I was so persistent on feeding my baby only healthy things that will aid in its development. He was proud of me for doing everything out here that I possibly could do for the baby. He said they want me to be comfortable and are here for me. Nice nice man! 

The overall care here is wonderful! And I am happy to be here fighting for this baby and it's safety. 

**Today was uneventful-which we like. 24 weeks pregnant and still going.  No signs of labor, no cramping, no bleeding, and no signs of an infection. Still leaking fluid which will probably continue until the baby arrives. Just waiting and hoping. Feeling good. Only was able to get 4 hours of sleep, but feeling healthy and strong. 

Thank you all for the love, hope and prayers. 

-Tiffany 

My sweet Ollie is here with me, fighting this fight and holding us up!

Day 1

Day 1 OHSU Labor and Delivery

10-25-13

I am now admitted to OHSU Hospital and will be updating friends and family on the condition of myself and baby Hebb. I hope to write daily-since I don't have much else to do in this bed.

After a week of strict bed rest and tons of anxiety, since my amniotic fluid is still leaking, I decided it was time to make our way to further help and see if some different doctors and hospitals can help me and baby. We needed people who were willing to fight for us like we were fighting. 

Chris and I drove to OHSU hospital-the one where Ollie fought for his life, and I was admitted right then. I felt good about this and was anxious to see if they could help my baby. After much research on my part, I decided OHSU would be the best hospital for us. We were met by a neonatal specialist-the ones who whisk the baby away after birth to help try and save it. He told us all the good and the bad, the risks, the chance of survival, and wanted us to be well informed. Whoa. So much to think about. We were scared-and still are. So many life or death decisions. We have turned it over to God. 

The nurse got me started on a steroid shot in the butt to help give a kick start to the little peanuts lungs. I also continued antibiotics through an IV and got my blood drawn-after 7 pokes later. Seriously silly veins. 

Got all settled in my room and then Chris decided to go home. He cried as he left, he kept leaving and coming back in to give me a kiss. So tender. He was worried about me and I'm sure very anxious about every.sinlge part of this. It's all too much. Losing Ollie was too much to handle just 19 short months ago. How are we suppose to deal with this now? Seriously? God? 

Day 1 down. A lot to go little baby Hebb