That dang washer

Did you know I hate that stupid machine??? It makes me made every time I even look at it. I am still aboard that crazy roller coaster, experiencing bad and good days......the bad, crying moments only last a few minutes luckily. If you did happen to see me around town, you would proabably say I appear to be happy. I am happy, but there are times through out the day where I just sit and hate almost EVERYTHING....except my family, friends, and children! I get very depressed and have anger settle over my entire body.....This feeling is quickly removed from me the moment Poppy or tiny--aka. Loxxley, crawl on me and kiss me!!

^^^^^

Last night my sweet mom was washing the sheets because my sister had just gone home and Chris and I wanted to move into the bigger room. The sheets had been washing for a while now and I went to take them out and put them into the dryer. As I opened the lid the exact same picture overtook my mind----when I found sweet Ollie.

AAWWWW....YUCK...it really hurts my lungs, my back, my heart, my brain, and every inch of my body to think about that horrific moment finding my Ollie boy--the moment that significantly changed my life forever here on earth and in the eternities.

As I starred looking at the sheets, in that cold ugly washing machine--exactly what I was washing the day Ollie fell in.

I know, I too feel the intense pressure in my chest. Right now I almost can't breathe. Sometimes it doesn't affect me like this...other times I can barely say the words.

I seriously imagined Ollie in there....I almost put my hands in to feel him. My mind thought I was back at that exact awful moment. Thank goodness I don't ever have to find Ollie dead again---it sounds so weird and it really trips my mind out--this grief thing. this death thing. this burying your child thing....it's all awful and it's all hard to comprehend and accept.

I slammed the washer lid and ran up stairs to tell my mom the washer had gotten stuck on the first cycle with a full load of water.

I was angry at that stupid thing that took Ollie's life----I have to remind myself that we all will die one day and I can't really think of a perfect way for Ollie to have died other than peacefully in his sleep. I really think that there is an angel of death that peacefully removes all pain the moment we die....

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Or does this just bring peace to my soul?


I find my HOPE today in one day seeing sweet Ollie again. I find hope in knowing he is in the other room and very close to me.  He is aware. He lives on. He is real. He was and is my son.

Live in the moment before it passes.....say your sorry first. Love more, hug more and be kinder!!

^^^^^

I often find myself wondering why Ollie had to die in such a freaky, horrific way? I have never heard of this happening to another person. Who could have ever imagined this? Surely not me. He was too big and way too smart. I don't even know how he physically fit in there...once again, makes my stomach turn thinking about it.  I honestly think--call me crazy, but I think that by Ollie dying in this manner allowed more lives to be touched. This is all I can seem to come up with. It was such a shocking way that seemed to reach millions. Every person I randomly tell about the accident has already heard about it on the news. I know for certain Ollie has reached many, just like the random guy who said he has a special connection with Ollie and Ollie is his guardian angel. Wow. Pretty cool!


^^^^^

JOHN 4
 14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

No 5 Year old?

This blog was originally for posting pictures for my family, so they could still see Ollie when we lived far away. Since Ollie passed away it has been a journal of my feelings and intense thoughts that sometimes I just haven't been able to release any other way.

 Writing has been more healing than I ever imagined. 

Thank you all for being on this journey with me and for the love along the way-it has been needed.

As of late, I haven't felt the need to write anything. I have been working hard on my own healing this year with things like my yoga practice, my beautiful mountain retreat home, essential oils, vitamins, tinctures, healing books, my sweet Nevada friends taking me to Lake Tahoe, taking HOT baths,  and spending quality time with my children who are still alive and very present in my earthly life. 

One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately and do want to express, is the need to share OUR STORIES. 

They NEED to be heard. 

I find healing from others who have been through a major tragedies and I know so many appreciate me sharing and find healing in hearing about Ollie. Since he died, I have shared his story at least once a day, if not several. Everyone is shocked at that tragic way it happened and I can see that they think more about their own life and the precious people in it.  We all have a story to share---SHARE IT. You seriously never know who you will help and why not help someone? 

We are all in this together!!!

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday was JUNE 21, summer solstice and OLLIE'S BIRTHDAY and Father's Day.  Ollie was supposed to be 5 YEARS OLD. How totally horrible is it that he wasn't here with us to celebrate? Milestones in life are one of the most celebrated and happiest times we have on earth---and we don't get anymore with Ollie in this life. I know life is short compared to the pre-existence and the life to come but, I wanted those memories to keep being created with my little guy, Ollie--they stopped on March 23, 2012.Yes, I am pretty heart broken, the shock has worn off and I have learned how to live with out him---something I never thought I could do, and to tell you the truth, I have been so involved with my other children and be present in their lives,  that I feel it erases Ollie--well I guess its that I am not creating new ones.....It's sad. Ollie would have been one of the kindest and most gentle 5 year old around.

Today I look forward to Poppy and Loxxley as they grow up and enjoy my precious time with them!!!

Here's to the best Father for my children!
I love you

>>>Does heaven celebrate a life event such as a birth or a death? 

I actually bet they celebrate death more<<<

Oh, and just one more side note.

 I didn't know a human could cry or hurt this intensely every day for 3 years now...and I know it will continue until I'm dead---that seems pretty unfair, if you ask me. What about that happily ever after part I always heard about? I guess it happens when I die---but that's a long life of suffering, its hard to stay positive after such a tragedy. 

You've probably never seen this side of him....He sure makes us all laugh!

The Washer

That damn thing.....my goodness.
I hate talking about it.
I hate seeing it.
I hate that it took Ollie's precious life.
I just hate it.
All of it.
It hurts my heart to use it.
It really hurts.
Why won't it just leave me?
Why can't I stop putting so much attention on an object that took my sons life?

Annoying.

^^^^^

Of course when we moved here to Carson, guess what was THE ONLY thing to get broken in the move?

The washer.
Yep.

We hooked it up and ran a cycle, and sure enough water came squirting out of the back and flooded the entire laundry room.

Seriously???
 
What is it trying to tell me?
That I need to wash my clothes down by the river???
I know and want this already.
I have always wanted to live a primitive life.

I have been submitting claim, email and phone call, one after another----alll to talk about my stupid washing machine that is not even 3 years old....my awesome ward in Oregon, so thoughtfully bought us a brand new one the day Ollie passed away.

How pathetic.

I'm over it already. 

Stop getting in my face, you ugly machine, I already spend way too much time with you than I ever wanted.

^^^^^

Anyone else have demons that jump up in your face and won't leave them alone?

Check out some art work, it is beautiful in every way. It speaks to my momma heart!!
http://beyondwordsdesigns.com/?page_id=2886

Not just the good

Social media gets me down often, as I know it does many of you. I have mentioned many times before, we all usually only see the good. Well, on my blog I have tried to create a space for me and everyone reading to see the ugly, the real, and the raw. There is so much beauty in life, but there is also opposition in all things. The ugly sometimes may just help someone else not feel so alone and so this is the reason I share such personal things to the world.

As I have also mentioned before, I thought my marriage would be my 'big issue' in life. I thought I would work the rest of my days trying to have a happy, successful marriage.....well, other gigantic trials have crept up in my face, you all know them by now, Ollie's death and having a preemie, little Loxx.

Well, those two giant trials in my journey are still very real and present in my every day life, as well as my marriage hanging by threads at times, and that's because I am barley hanging to life, at times by a thread. I love my husband, Christopher James, with all my heart. We chose each other to raise three children with, to spend our lives and the eternities together. I know our souls must have made a previous connection in the pre-existence, out of all the people on this planet, we chose each other. Anyway, we definitely have our issues, we always have, and everyone always does. Some just have bigger ones than others. We see so many things differently. But one thing that has never lacked in our marriage is, LOVE. We have always loved each other. To be honest, we have almost separated several times, it has not been an easy road to ride on. For me personally, I have always tackled this decision to fight to stay married when things got crazy, with prayer. I have always been inspired and lead the right way. I know God will not lead me astray. The higher power is needed in our ever changing, and oh so scary world. Marriage and life in general, are so difficult. We must not give up until we are told differently. We must fight on and keep fighting this earthly battle until we are called home to our Father in Heaven.

And GRIEF, this heavy five letter word, just intensifies everything that may have been a small problem in your life before. Dang. It's rough.
My goodness.
How I miss this precious boy.......

Some days like yesterday, I begin to crumble at the seams, everything upsets me, everything is sad and I hate the world and myself. I miss Ollie so much that I think my heart might burst right out of my fragile body, my breath becomes weak and shallow, I can't seem to get a breath in, I let out a wailing sob, oh my little boy......then, I somehow see the beauty and get a breath of fresh air, the sun sets and it's a new day. A new day to feel renewed love, peace and strength. I keep going, keep fighting---even though I want to die.


^^^^^

Chris was talking to a co-worker the other day about Ollie's story and also Loxxley's....This guy said his good friend had a preemie with many problems, and then decided to take his own life. He just couldn't handle the situation. It was just too much.

I think Chris and I are doing pretty well given our situation, I guess.

This doesn't mean we don't fight daily or hourly to not drown in our grief, pain, sadness, or heartache.

Today we mightily fight on with a sweet angel by our side..... 

How To Help Someone Say Goodbye

I have gotten several emails and text in the last few years-especially the last few months, from family and friends asking how they can help a friend who has just lost a child. I feel so compelled to reach out to them and offer some help along the way, as so many did with me.

I thought I would again share some ways to help. Tragedy is all around us and I believe we can truly help carry each others burdens.

Chris and I needed all the help we could get that tragic day, from the heavens on high and here on the mortal earth. 

We were lost.
We were broken and others are to. 

We were in shock and our minds couldn't think clearly, we welcomed all the help.  Please lend a healing hand to someone who is hurting. 

//I share this tender picture only to show the devastation on my face---pure devastation//

-Pray, pray and pray some more for the family to be uplifted daily and for strength to endure what they are unwillingly facing--prayers really will carry them through the shock. 

-Try lightening their heavy load and daily responsibilities in life so they have more freedom to grieve and be in the moment. This could be, bringing over meals or snacks, grocery shopping, cleaning their house, paying bills, arranging their carpool, etc…

- When you mention their child, speak as if they are still here-in present form.
 
- Remember holidays and birth dates of their child through the years-grieving the loss of a child is a long journey and will last a lifetime.

- Ask direct and to the point questions. Don't beat around the bush. Ask them if they want to talk, to be alone or if they would like your company.

- The first week after a loss is often a good time to take care of business. God has given us the emotion of shock- this numbness allows us to function and take care of business. Once this wears off, parents can collapse and go through periods where they simply cannot handle even daily routine-life can get to be just too much.

- Once the shock wears off, people often look for ways to start over or regain control of life that seems to be making a downward spiral.  Encourage Your friends or family to make decisions slowly. They might look at moving their home, adopting a child, changing jobs, divorce, etc… Often times people are desperate and are trying to push away the grief--it will never leave them.

- Watch out for when the parents are unable to take care of the basic responsibilities such as paying the bills, house cleaning, sorting mail, or going to work, etc… these can all be too much to handle. They may need some major interventions from close family and friends. 

-I know this list can be overwhelming, but most importantly try to let the family know you LOVE them and haven't forgotten their child.

- The goal of the journey through bereavement is not to leave grief behind-the loved one will never disappear- but to become functional grievers and to know they are loved.

Read more ideas on how to help  here

Please buy a washing machine lock here

....Its time....

Hopefully you have seen many post on instagram, facebook and my blog about the H2o run in honor of sweet Ollie and all his buddies in heaven.

  

>>>The life jacket donations<<<

If you haven't registered for the run there is still time, but it is nearing the end. 

 Please do so before AUGUST 15, 2014. 

 

>>>The medallions to be given to the top 5 male and female finishers and the masters division<<<

 

The 5k is $20-shirt included.
www.h2orun.org

I know so many of you have told me you are coming....get the cheaper price for registering early.

If you are not a runner, you can still come anyway and get a free life jacket. This event will be super fun, but also there is so much information that EVERY.SINGLE person could use. 

Please, please, come and at least get educated about water safety, maybe one day you will need to use it.

H2o Run

Since Ollie passed away jut 2 years ago, I have been consumed with grief-that terrible roller coaster I never wanted to jump onto. The times I am the happiest and feel like Ollie is the happiest, are when I am serving and thinking of others. So, I have been focusing on a race in his name and honoring all other drowning victims. Last year it was a success and it helped me focus my negativity towards something positive. It is soooo much work to plan a race, but totally worth it. We had AMAZING prizes donated by some really great brands.

This year I decided to look up all people who have drowned in Utah within the last 5 years, I have contacted several of those families to see if they want to be a part of my H2o Run. Many of them have willingly agreed to help out and honor their loved one. I am so excited to meet all these families who share similar stories of pain. I think it will be healing for all of us to come together and do something positive.

If you know anyone who has drowned recently and think they would want to help honor their loved one, Please let me know.

I hope if you are in the Utah area, you will join us at our run. All ages and abilities are welcome. It is a water based event-water weenies provided in all race bags. 

We are saving lives by bringing awareness to water and the dangers. The proceeds go to giving life through repairing a clean water well. Embracing water!!!

Get those dusty running shoes out and start training!!!

H2o Run

August 23, 2014

10:00am

150 South 500 East

Lindon, Utah

You can read details about the run and pre-register here

http://www.h2orun.org/home.html

Miss you my sweet love

National Water Safety Month

May is national water safety month<read more here>. Myself, along with three other amazing blogging mommas, have teamed up to bring as much awareness to this subject as possible and empower us all around water. We are all focusing on different water safety areas. I will be focusing on water safety in the home.

<><><><><><><><>

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ

After Ollie passed away, I was TERRIFIED of water. I wanted nothing to do with water and all I could think about was him actually drinking the water and drowning. The horror of it all. I am honest. This is still my first thought when I see standing water of any sort, a pool, a bath tub, a river, a bucket, it still physically makes me sick, but by the grace of God I am able still to participate in water activities without much terror. I am way more cautious and aware of the dangers. Of course, everyone always thinks it won't happen to them. I see scenarios all the time while visiting friends homes of water hazards and I immediately have to point them out. I am not an expert, I am just more aware and hope to make others more aware of these everyday dangers so you don't have to have the horror of  saying goodbye to your child. . I always feel obligated to say something. There are actaully many hazards in the home and its amazing any of us are alive today. I don't share this to scare you as a parent, just to bring more attention to it.  
And remember in the end, all we can is our best. I did my very best to keep Ollie safe. We thought our home was safe and he still left this earth in a very tragic way. Our best was our best.

Here is an awesome printable from one of the other blogger moms, Kate Jones-her son nearly drowned, but thankfully lived.We hope you will print this out and share it with everyone you know this summer. We will be handing these out at our h20 run.

 

>>>click here for a pdf. to print<<<

>>>Drowning is most common in children ages 1-4.

Don’t Leave Kids Alone in or Around Any Standing Water

• Never leave your child unattended around any body of water, not even to get a towel or answer the door. NEVER. It is true that children can drown in as little as one inch of water and it can only take a seconds.
• Don't use your cell phone while child is bathing, forget about all the other things you have to do and give your child all of your attention when they are near or around water.
• Never let your children help you with laundry even if they love to help you-obviously I am even writing this post because my son drowned while helping me. He innocently thought it was okay to go back in the room and put laundry in by himself. For the sake of Ollie, PLEASE DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN NEAR THE WASHING MACHINE OR WASHER.***My children aren't even allowed to watch the clothing being washed or dried.

Remove Water Immediately After Use

• Once bath time is over, immediately drain the tub. Never leave standing water.
• Empty all tubs, mop buckets, containers and mini pools immediately after use. Store them upside down and out of children’s reach.
• Always empty sink water after doing dishes and never leave your child on a stool by the sink with water in it.

Close Lids and Doors

• Keep toilet lids closed after every use and use toilet seat locks to prevent drowning.
• Keep doors to bathrooms and laundry rooms always closed.
• Close the washing machine lid immediately after filling with clothes.

>>>Here<<< you can purchase a front loader washing machine lock

Make sure you check out my friends blogs on water safety
Kate Jones- The mother to Clark, who thankfully survived
Ashley Sullenger- The mother to Preslee Jo
Andrae Kelly- The mother to Miles

awful flash backs

I just came from upstairs where I was every so tenderly rocking my sweet-but feisty, baby girl. As she was drifting off, her eyes started to roll back and forth in her head. I didn't like watching this because it instantly took me back to Ollie lying on the hospital bed. So I rubbed Poppy's head and she looked up at me ever so sweetly. Thank goodness!! I still get worried when she is drifting off to sleep, that she is drifting off to her death. Its a weird feeling and very hard to explain, but the panic floods my body instantly. Even when I see pictures of children sleeping, I instantly think they are dead. I panic for just a moment. (I still have nightmares quite frequently about grabbing Ollie out of the washer-Awwww. It keeps me awake for hours. Not sure what to do about this. I know for sure I have PTSD-post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously such an awful thing to live with. I think my dreams stem from my panic and anxiety I feel through out the day)

Poppy's pretty blues eyes took me back to the day of Ollie's accident when he was hooked up to all the tubes lying lifeless on that cold bed. I remember pleading for him to wake up. I wanted his eyes to just focus on his momma and stay open, just for a minute. Just one look. I wanted to connect with him again. I wanted to see those beautiful blue eyes. I wanted everything to be okay. His eyes just kept fluttering. It was tormenting. Why couldnt he just wake up and come back to his family who loves him dearly? Why couldn't a miracle have happened? Even after losing Ollie, I still believe in miracles, we just didn't get our miracle we had hoped for.

I wonder if during that "transition time", he was fighting to come back to earth?  Was he pleading and bargaining like we were doing down here? I bet he knew everything would be alright, we just didn't and still don't.
I am told that the hearing is the last thing to go when passing away. Who knows in a drowning situation, but I'd like to think that, because I whispered sweet words to my precious Ollie boy. Sweet last words.

****

What would your last words be to someone you love????


Speaking of drowning....My mother in law called yesterday and told me she is reading this book called "Please don't let my baby die". The author, a woman who lost her 16 month old to a drowning accident in their home hot-tub, asked a doctor after wondering for many years, if her  son suffered?  I wonder this all the time too. How awful as a parent to think that your child suffered. This doctors told her that in a drowning accident the person usually blacks out and then the heart stops. So there is no suffering involved. Again who knows? I have never drowned, but it does bring me some comfort to know that you black out and I think when you black out your body is actually flooded with endorphins. I don't know anything for certain, but one thing I feel so deeply within my momma heart is that the morning of the accident Ollie was lying on the floor singing and being sombre as he was staring out the window. I still think he was looking at the angels surrounding the house that were waiting to take him home. I sure hope there is really the angels of death. The morning after Ollies accident I felt this to be true with all my heart. I believe in angels too and have felt them surrounding my home since Ollie passed away.

***I never like to leave anyone with nasty, negative thoughts...
This will make you smile.

My mom put curlers in her hair for the first time, so cute!

This is Poppy peeking out the window.

Miss Honey-badger

These are pictures of me

The Tragic Accident

Many have been asking me how Ollie died...I share this only to raise awareness and express my pain as a grieving mother.
*as you read please have a prayer in your heart..its very heavy.

March 24th 2012 began a little out of the normal when Olliehad woken up at 6:30am, he never did this. I cooked Chris and Ollie breakfastwhile Ollie sat on his daddy's lap for which we didnt know at the time would be his last. Chris fed him an omelet and fruit. Nothing special. I remember thinking how cute it wasto see the two of them adore each other and I was a proud wife and mom at thattender moment. Chris was then leaving for work and Ollie held onto him extralong and wouldn't let him go and when Chris tried to put him down he clung on like a little monkey. Did Ollie know what was coming? Do we know when we are going to die moments before? Of course Chrissaid now if he knew it was his last hug he would have stayed home from work andhugged him all day. Ollie then pushed his little red chair to the window towave to his daddy, Ollie couldn't see him in the car so Chris turned on thelight and waved. A wave he will never forget, the last tender wave goodbye. Ollie and I thenwent through-out our day like normal (looking back so many special thingshappened) I did notice something unusual, Ollie was being extra somber and quiet and laying on histummy in his  fuzzy bear pj's looking out the window and kicking his legs in theair. He did this for about 15 minutes. (I now believe he was watching the angels that would shortly be coming totake him home to Heavenly Father). I got him dressed in his long sleevedcamping shirt with his khaki pants and tiny white socks. We then went together to dosome laundry like normal. I always let him throw some clothes into the washer.(My first mistake) He loved helping mommy and it made both of us smile. We finished putting the sheets in and we bothleft the room. ( I later learned from the detective that there was one lone sock and  one rag mixed in with the sheets, Poor little boy was just trying to help me). I went to the living room about 15ft away to read an article onPoppy's development. I didn't hear Ollie for a minute and he always was rightnext to me, we were buddies all day long.  I called for  him. No answer. Silence. So I ran to the back door, didn'tsee him or hear him. Panic. I panic and feel anxiety as I type this. I instantly ran to the laundry room to see if he wastouching the cat litter box. No Ollie. Panic, fear and anxiety over took mybody thinking of where Ollie could be. Something told me to put my hands in thewashing machine, no way. I didnt want to. I wouldn't find him in there. I finally built up courage and  put my hands in the cold water....yuck. vomit. sick sick sick. I wanted to pass out. myheart instantly broke when I felt his precious precious body...words do not even describe thehorror, fear and helplessness I felt as I tried to pull my sweet Ollie'slifeless body out of the washing machine. He was stuck and not breathing. intense. so intense and like nothing I had ever experienced before. Ipropped his head up ever so gently so he wasn't under the water and I decided to run to myneighbors because I thought I could start CPR sooner if I could get him outrather than call 911. (My husband later told me in lifeguard training they say its very important to at least try to give a rescue breath) Who knows what was best but this is what I did. I ranshouting for help as loud as I could and my neighbor came running. She couldsee the panic in my face as we ran straight to the washing machine. We be bothtried to dislodge his tiny (but too big for a top loading  washing machine) body, it was so stuck wewere not even sure how he fit. I wont go into details but we managed to get himout and Tiffany and Bill started CPR. All of my other neighbors were there helping to calm me down. I am so thankful for them and theirwillingness to do everything in their power to save Ollie. The paramedics cameand worked on his precious body for abut 15 minutes and got a heart beat butnot life sustaining. All I wanted to do was hold his big boy fat finger hand so I bent down beside him while the medics were frantically working on him. I held it  tight and pleaded with him to come back and told him momma needed him and how sorry I was. 

Ollie was then transported to the hospital about 3 minutesaway. There the ER team put him on a ventilator and continued CPR for about 30minutes. This was so heart wrenching to watch my baby boy, the love of my life being worked on so vigorously while I stand back and watch.  I was so shaken up at this point and in severe shock. Chris arrivedand we both were hugging each other and sobbing in disbelief as we watchednurses and doctors try to save our son while feeling so so so helpless. Olliereceived a Priesthood blessing from our local missionaries (this is a miraclein it self) and then was transported to one of the best pediatric hospitals, Doernbeckers. Itook a ride I never wanted to take, in the ambulance. While looking back at my baby boyhooked up to to all those awful tubes while fighting for his life I prayed and asked God for a miracle. We arrivedat the hospital and the doctors were inserting a pic line so they asked to meetwith us in a private room. Basically its the room where they give people the worstnews of their lives. The Doctor told us Ollie was most likely not going to makeit...Chris and  I broke down into tears. We sobbed and sobbed for a few minutes uncontrollably.sad. sad. sad. worst news ever. She told us his brain was dead due to lack of oxygen and his body would shutdown completely after 3 days.

In those next 24 hours so many things happened but it mostlyconsisted of prayers, fasting, priesthood blessings and holding Ollie's hand.oh and lots of tears. and more prayers.  My parents and Chris' parents and Chris' brother caughtthe next flight out to Portland. I was so happy and relieved to see them allbut so sad because I knew how much they loved little Ollie. I didnt wantany of their hearts to break or hurt like mine was. We all knew Ollie could besaved by a miracle if it was Gods will. I knew Ollie was fighting between beingwith us here on earth and being with God in heaven. I never once left Ollies side and I wanted so badly to pick him up and for his spirit to re-enter his body. Why couldn't we receive a miracle? they happen all the time. We would all gather around Ollie and just sob and ask God to heal him, we knew He could.

The moment the clock hit 24 hours we said a prayer and knewit was time to take Ollie off life support. This moment was so hard because we knew if we didn't get a miracle now he would pass away. So many prayers had been given inOllie's behalf, if it was Gods will a miracle would happen. I knew thisthen and I know this now. It was not even a question to keep him on lifesupport while having 0% brain activity and no signs of improvement in 24 hours.The nurse slowly and gently unhooked Ollie from those nasty tubes holding himto the bed. She asked me if I would like to hold him. Of course I did. I wantedto hold him forever and tell him how sorry I was. I sobbed. and sobbed. My body was so worn out and so was his. We were all so exhausted. I sobbed some morewhile rocking my big baby boy one last time. Ollie's precious body became so heavy weall had to take turns, it was all physically and mentally exhausting. We allheld Ollie off and on for 6 agonizing but precious hours. Part of my heartwanted him to stay forever but part of me wanted him to just pass on toHeavenly Father because it was so painful to watch him struggle for everybreath. He took his last breath in my arms and his body became cold and hisspirit left completely and I knew he was with Heavenly Father, the father thatgave us all life. This moment I will never forget and cherish forever. My last moments with Ollie. I whispered into his ear "Ollie you run to me as fast as you can when I get to heaven" This breaks my heart to type this and I long for that special day.

One of the hardest but most tender moments was washing hisprecious body one last time. If you are ever faced with this I hope you takethe time to do this. We all took a wash cloth and said our good byes while we everso gently kissed every-single-part of his body. I needed enough kisses to lasta life time. It was a precious precious moment with my sons earthly body. Ilook forward to the day his body and spirit are reunited so he may fully liveagain. Life is all too precious and we must not take any second for granted.Make the best out of EVERY moment . Help, inspire and uplift someone daily. My sweet blue eyed baby boy Ollie I love you always.