Left Behind???

That shear panic sets in as you thought you left your child behind at the grocery store.

Have you ever experienced this?

I'm sure you all have had some taste of this panic?

Now times that by 90.

Let me tell you, it's INTENSE.

Horror.

Worry.

Distress.

Shock.

Disbelief.

Panic.

Helplessness.

Yep, that's exactly what grief feels like every--stinkin--single--day--but it does change through out the day and through out the years. Some days it is this intense, but hopefully not every waking minute.

Your broken heart aches constantly and you feel anxiety to the core of your being, because something is wrong and you just can't seem to ever fix it.

As mothers, we like to fix things. 

RIGHT?

 Especially with our sweet children.

 I remember walking out of that cold hospital after we unwillingly took Ollie off life support, and not knowing what to do next. I felt oh so helpless and scared. I didn't want this for my life and wanted it to be fixed right away.

There is no fixing of this heavy burden called,  grief.

It will be carried on your heart and in your life always and forever until you take your last breath.

Makes me pretty depressed actually to think about this.

How is one expected to live with the  feeling of a rat chewing on your insides, or the feeling of bricks placed upon your chest not allowing for a full breathe in? 

and you just have to deal with it?

It's nearly impossible.

and you almost die yourself because of it.

It creeps up at every holiday-as today is Halloween, at birthday celebrations and every family party.

Not much helps.

Time heals, I guess.

or do the memories just fade?

Its rather sad if you ask me.

^^^^^^^^^^

One thing I hold onto with an iron fist and I will never let go of, is the fact of seeing Ollie again one day. And I do know he is always a prayer away. I try to be in-tune so I may feel him daily!

Grief just molds you into something new.

I am a new human because of GRIEF.
And hope to one day be a beautiful piece of work before my death.

PLEASE SHARE YOUR DESCRIPTIONS OF GRIEF OR LOSS

What Do You Seek?

I think the world has always ebbed and flowed in light and darkness since time began. I feel like the light is slowing fading off the earth in so many ways, but I also feel like the earth is burning with this beautiful light.

I choose to seek out the LIGHT!!!!

I am not sure why I talk about this LIGHT so much....

Actually I do know.

Ollie is there!!!

I seek this light he now sees, experiences, and exists in.

Have you ever read the book, HEAVEN IS FOR REAL?  It's about a 6 years olds experience visiting heaven, and its for real! Everyone should read this book, young and old.

>>>>>

Children are so in tune to life. Late last night we drove past Ollie's spot, we randomly decided to stop. It was dark outside--I had never been to his spot in the dark. It was more beautiful that I thought to see all the burial spots lit up with different colored lights. Chris and I told both of our kids to kiss Ollie's picture-as they always do. I started to cry and tell them how much I miss their big brother. Poppy climb on my lap, gave me a big kiss and said, "Mom, we will see him again"

It was so perfect and meant so much to me at that moment. How did she know to comfort me in this way???

Poppy often comforts me, her mom. SIMPLY AMAZING.

>>>>>

So, speaking of light, I can't tell you how much happier and how much healing has come since I have tried to find this light within myself. We are all born with this light. Last June, I decided I needed to  heal myself and I needed some intense work in order to care for my young children.

I have since done so many things that have helped and I would like to share them for future grievers or people dealing with anxiety or dperession.

• I started an intense yoga teacher training--I had to dig deep and let my emotions release, it has been very healing to not run away from my crazy emotions.
• I ordered a Bach mixture made just for my grief, anger, nightmares, depression, fear and anxiety. It really helped my overall out look on life.
• I moved to the sunshine. The sun is where I have found so much relief from my stresses.
• I have tried to hang onto my hope and faith in seeing Ollie and use it as motivation to help others.
• I connected with other mommas who had lost a child--so much healing has come from me reaching out and them reaching back--it heals the heart to connect in this way.
•  I tried to forget my self--which in turns heals myself by giving love to others who need just a bit more love and kindness.
• I try to be thankful for what I DO HAVE, not what I don't have--its just too intense.

"We are all broken, that's how the light gets in" -Ernest Hemingway

Go find your light and share it!!!!

XOXO

I am who I am

I had a very healthy and happy last week...even though Chris was gone for 8 long days and drove all the way to Whistler and back.
I have been feeling very hopeful--hopeful in God, in me and in this life. I have been spending time on myself so, I can be a better momma and wife. 

I have needed some serious 'me' time. 

Something you don't get too often as a nurturing mother.

 //side note-when I ask Poppy to do something she answers me, "Yes Mother"// 

I have needed to find my passions--more things that give me drive.

My children are the biggest drive but, I need more driving forces.

Pretty much since I was born, I have known who I am. 

I have known what I liked and no one was going to sway my decisions. 

I am not a follower. 

Never have been.

Oh great, here comes Poppy....Mini me.

In High School, if the trend was something, I would try my hardest to do the complete opposite--just because I don't like to follow others--I know kind of silly.

I do like to follow rules though.

I do like guidelines for myself  and expectations to achieve but, I do everything because I studied about it or learned about it on my own...not because it was cool or others were doing it. By doing this I have really found myslef from an early age. I am not one for peer pressure--I actually despise peer pressure and people who do this. 

It's just the stupidest thing and makes no sense to me.

 Do people do this to justify why they are doing something?

 I really don't get it. 

With all that said, I like who I am more and more each day.

I have always been passionate about life and the things I enjoy--nature, health, exercise, kindness...

Since Ollie's accident, I have lost everything...I not only lost him temporarily but, I lost Tiffany.

 I lost my drive, my dreams, my hopes, my ambition, and myself.

I was depressed, anxious, sad, angry, and lonely--I still am working through these 

emotions and always will be.

I have come so far since the day my life changed forever. 

I remember how I couldn't bare to be alone, I couldn't shower alone, I couldn't drive my car alone, I couldn't even be in a room with the door closed---this went on for many months. It all stemmed from being home alone when Ollie had his accident. I remember how I didn't shower for days in a row, how I stayed in my Pajamas all day every day, how I couldn't even listen to music, watch TV or say any words that were funny or silly--this was not healthy.  It was what I needed to do at the time to work through my grief. This grief stuff sure is the pits but, I know I will come out stronger--and I also feel a bit numb and less tolerant to certain things too.
Darn.

Today out to lunch.

^^^^^^^^^^

Today, I am moving forward. 

I am finding myself again.

My desire to LIVE and BREATHE again.
It is hard.
It is constant.
and
it is a fighting daily battle.
but
I will win.

A few passions I have always had but now just uncovering are,

I am a certified holistic nutritionist.

I am currently working on my yoga certification while sharing about essential oils. 

I love everything to do with Holistic Health and want to share how powerful our bodies really are.

The body is simply amazing.

And so are all of you.

^^^^^^^^^^

Lately, I have been dealing with some past issues that came out of no where....feeling of not letting go--not forgiving.

I can not seem to pull it out of me to forgive.

It's real tough.

My natural self want to hate and be angry.

Yes, I am still very angry.

 It is really weighing me down and I don't like it.

>>>Accepting all ideas on how you forgive someone who shattered you to the core?

 

He Will Rise

Since it is Easter weekend, I have been thinking so much about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I have really been trying to see if I believe it really happened to Jesus Christ and it will happen to Ollie. I have always thought I had a testimony of it but, then Ollie passed away and it became so much more real. I needed for myslef, a firm knowledge without a doubt. The only way I have received this is by studying and much work on my part.  I have been reading a lot of books about heaven and the testimonies of people seeing angels. I feel I can not share things unless I know for certain.

Does heaven really exist?
Does God exist?
Will we all rise again just as Jesus Christ?

YES.
YES.
YES.
I DO BELIEVE.

Watch this and see if you believe

I believe Jesus Christ really walked here upon the earth performing miracles. 
He was a healer and a teacher.
He was perfect in every way.
He was a follower of our God.
He is the only Savior.
He is the light.
He died for each one of us.
He is the way back to our eternal families.
God is there for us and I KNOW He hears our cries.

Jesus Christ broke the bands of time and space, that is why He is able to physically walk with us during our struggles, our low moment and our heartaches. He carries and comforts us all along the way. He is really right by our side---we just can't see Him. Jesus Christ has seriously been the only way I have found rest from my heartache.

My sweet love will rise again....

The Small Things

At night I do most of my thinking as I lay in bed and wonder how my life got suddenly so twisted. Oh, yes the big elephant is still there--Ollie's death.

Remember that big pivotal moment that changed the fate of my family forever? 

It still stings. 

Ollie.

The pressure in my chest is still there, the ability to take deep breaths is still lacking, and the shock is still very real. 

I know these feeling will never go away but, they have lessened as I learn to live with the shock, the pain and the loss of breath. 

My life has always been about the simple things. I am very simple in my dress, my hair and my desires. I like this and it works for me. Now, after Ollie's transitioning heavenward, it is an even deeper drive to be more simple and see what really matters in my life. I have just begun to wear mascara. That was ALWAYS the one item of make-up I wore...until that unbelievable day. I have not worn it in 2.5 years--mostly because I would cry it all off hourly. I tried to look at myself in the mirror those first few months, I just couldn't--I felt too vain.
My son just died.
How could I stare at myself?
Why would I care about myself looking good?
I have since thought a bit different nonetheless, I still feel a bit guilty primping myself. I'm not sure why, I just do. And seriously I'm not saying if you dress up and look good you are being vain, I just choose not to focus so much attention in that area--I just can't. 

So the simple things?

This is what I focus on now even more. 

Relationships.

Family. 

Love. 

Happiness. 

Service.

God. 

Testimony. 

Nature. 

Deep connections. 

Not stuff'.

For some reason after Ollie died, 'stuff' really weighed my mind and body down. I felt like if I couldn't have Ollie, then I didn't need all this materialistic stuff.
And in the end we can not take any of it with us.....ONLY OUR EXPERIENCES AND KNOWLEDGE. That's it. 

The simple things in life will one day add up to be the big things.

Make the small things count today. You NEVER get this day again.

^^^^^

Today Poppy and I were talking about Easter, Jesus, resurrection, and Ollie. I told her Jesus died like Ollie and He was resurrected so that we can all be a family forever one day in heaven. She listened politely and attentively. Then she quietly told me she needed to show me something. We both walked over to a picture we have of Jesus and a little boy--we say it's Ollie. She pointed out Jesus and Ollie. It felt as if it were her testimony to me that she knows where Ollie is. It was a matter-of-fact. She then began to tell me how Jesus and Ollie were holding hands in heaven. It was just so tender. I told her they are in heaven together and we will be there soon only because of Jesus dying and raising again. 

Noble Trees

This house we moved into in Carson, as we are told has been a true miracle.
Nothing was for rent in this area and if it was, it was very expensive.
Some hire power was certainly involved and knew we could seriously use this for
 our hurting and heavy hearts.
This house and acre of land has seriously played a BIG part in our healing in the last several months.
Being thankful for what we have....and we have so much.

 I feel the power of these wise and noble living giants!
Sometimes the wind is so severe up here I often wonder if the trees will blow down. They are so firmly rooted into the ground and have survived through so much. I think of myself as a tree. I must be firmly planted into the earth before I can begin to grow and I have withstood severe storms blowing my way. Then, after the storm on the sunny days they stand proud and tall.
They really hold a lot of power in them.
Try it.
Go hug one!! ha

They heal the soul.

Chris and I feel like we are camping every day when we wake up and look outside--there are giant 100 year old trees out every single window. 

Oh and did I mention?
 It's OLLIE BLUE sky every single day in Carson!! 

^^^^^^^^^^

We had a nice weekend in Napa enjoying our family and sunshine!
My children appear to be very happy and Ollie's death has not affected them too much in a negative way. I know they feel my love and concern. They see my sadness at times nonetheless, they see my happiness and love for life too.
I hope the happy times out way the sad and we can all heal together.

"All you can do is all you can do
 and all you can do is enough"

Leaving your child behind.....

Chris and I recently took a spur-of-the-moment camping trip to the big island of Hawaii. We decided not to take the kids so we could enjoy each other and get some rest--I'm actually way more tired since my return home...it always works out like that. My parents agreed to watch our dogs and kids so we met them half way in Elko to do the exchange. I knew my kids would be in good hands and I knew the worst could happen--they could die. I still was okay with leaving them.
And you know how I was okay?
Because I believe one thousand fold that Heavenly Father is in control of our lives. I know many would disagree with this, hopefully one day you will understand the POWER of GOD.

He is real.
He is all knowing.
He is all powerful.
And He is also all loving!

As Chris and I got home after dropping our children off, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. I felt helpless and lost. My house was quiet and clean. I couldn't really do much and packed my clothes quickly--I ended up forgetting a lot. It took my straight back to the day we came home after leaving Ollie's precious body at the hospital to prepare for his burial.

How is a parent expected to just walk away and leave their child???
It was nearly impossible.
It almost killed my soul.
The life was sucked from my body and we were exhausted.
The only way we could leave Ollie's body behind was knowing he was not present....He was somewhere else. His spirit was clearly missing and I know it went home with us that day and has never left!

I remember dragging ourselves out of the hospital with crushed hearts and our heads hung low.  We didn't even know what to do next. We felt completely broken to the core. I got in the car and the first thing we had to do was remove the car seat...to never again be used by Ollie--my heart broke again.

When we arrived home, I saw all of his toys organized in his play room--my friends organized my house before we got home, his clothes hanging in his closet to never be worn again by him, all his earthly possessions....and all I wanted was Ollie. They meant so much to me because it was all I physically had of him. Thinking back of walking into my house it felt so empty but there was a stillness and beauty very present. My ward had put flowers in every single room, cleaned everything and brought food over.  I remember thinking Ollie had gone around the house before we arrived and sprinkled his warm spirit through out--it truly felt like this amidst all the pain and sorrow. There were also daffodils all over the yard in bloom and the sun was shining brightly. It was a glorious day in heaven for Ollie's arrival--I am sure if this. People were so kind to us. This kindness is why I am breathing today. I will forever try to show this love until I take my last breath here upon this earth. The darkness felt that day was so painful and I am grateful that today is not that day, I have come so far. Yes the PAIN is still very alive in my soul but I try to extinguish it with happiness and faith.

Oh how I miss my baby boy more than any word could ever express and with my earthly eyes, I hate the day he died and went into the next realm. Part of me believes it was far more glorious than I can imagine for him to enter into heaven. 

Today I am grateful to be home safe and sound with my Poppers and Loxxers. They mend my wounded heart.

The Washer

That damn thing.....my goodness.
I hate talking about it.
I hate seeing it.
I hate that it took Ollie's precious life.
I just hate it.
All of it.
It hurts my heart to use it.
It really hurts.
Why won't it just leave me?
Why can't I stop putting so much attention on an object that took my sons life?

Annoying.

^^^^^

Of course when we moved here to Carson, guess what was THE ONLY thing to get broken in the move?

The washer.
Yep.

We hooked it up and ran a cycle, and sure enough water came squirting out of the back and flooded the entire laundry room.

Seriously???
 
What is it trying to tell me?
That I need to wash my clothes down by the river???
I know and want this already.
I have always wanted to live a primitive life.

I have been submitting claim, email and phone call, one after another----alll to talk about my stupid washing machine that is not even 3 years old....my awesome ward in Oregon, so thoughtfully bought us a brand new one the day Ollie passed away.

How pathetic.

I'm over it already. 

Stop getting in my face, you ugly machine, I already spend way too much time with you than I ever wanted.

^^^^^

Anyone else have demons that jump up in your face and won't leave them alone?

Check out some art work, it is beautiful in every way. It speaks to my momma heart!!
http://beyondwordsdesigns.com/?page_id=2886

Not just the good

Social media gets me down often, as I know it does many of you. I have mentioned many times before, we all usually only see the good. Well, on my blog I have tried to create a space for me and everyone reading to see the ugly, the real, and the raw. There is so much beauty in life, but there is also opposition in all things. The ugly sometimes may just help someone else not feel so alone and so this is the reason I share such personal things to the world.

As I have also mentioned before, I thought my marriage would be my 'big issue' in life. I thought I would work the rest of my days trying to have a happy, successful marriage.....well, other gigantic trials have crept up in my face, you all know them by now, Ollie's death and having a preemie, little Loxx.

Well, those two giant trials in my journey are still very real and present in my every day life, as well as my marriage hanging by threads at times, and that's because I am barley hanging to life, at times by a thread. I love my husband, Christopher James, with all my heart. We chose each other to raise three children with, to spend our lives and the eternities together. I know our souls must have made a previous connection in the pre-existence, out of all the people on this planet, we chose each other. Anyway, we definitely have our issues, we always have, and everyone always does. Some just have bigger ones than others. We see so many things differently. But one thing that has never lacked in our marriage is, LOVE. We have always loved each other. To be honest, we have almost separated several times, it has not been an easy road to ride on. For me personally, I have always tackled this decision to fight to stay married when things got crazy, with prayer. I have always been inspired and lead the right way. I know God will not lead me astray. The higher power is needed in our ever changing, and oh so scary world. Marriage and life in general, are so difficult. We must not give up until we are told differently. We must fight on and keep fighting this earthly battle until we are called home to our Father in Heaven.

And GRIEF, this heavy five letter word, just intensifies everything that may have been a small problem in your life before. Dang. It's rough.
My goodness.
How I miss this precious boy.......

Some days like yesterday, I begin to crumble at the seams, everything upsets me, everything is sad and I hate the world and myself. I miss Ollie so much that I think my heart might burst right out of my fragile body, my breath becomes weak and shallow, I can't seem to get a breath in, I let out a wailing sob, oh my little boy......then, I somehow see the beauty and get a breath of fresh air, the sun sets and it's a new day. A new day to feel renewed love, peace and strength. I keep going, keep fighting---even though I want to die.


^^^^^

Chris was talking to a co-worker the other day about Ollie's story and also Loxxley's....This guy said his good friend had a preemie with many problems, and then decided to take his own life. He just couldn't handle the situation. It was just too much.

I think Chris and I are doing pretty well given our situation, I guess.

This doesn't mean we don't fight daily or hourly to not drown in our grief, pain, sadness, or heartache.

Today we mightily fight on with a sweet angel by our side..... 

Just today

 I have faith and hope that my sweet Ollie-pop lives on. 

I feel it through out every inch of my body--from the smallest cell in my head all the way to the bottom of my toes.

How can you look at this picture and think, me as his mother, will never see him again? 

It just can not be.

If you have not ever lost a child or loved one, then you might not consider heaven or eternity. But the moment your precious child---a physical piece of you, a child that you carried in your womb for 9 months, strongly gave birth to and tenderly nurtured every day of life,  

dies and goes to this place, then will you highly consider looking beyond yourself and your own thoughts into something greater than you and I.

I don't really understand how the physical body is transferred, but matter is neither created or destroyed, so our light must transfer on somewhere else.

For me, Ollie is real, he is still living, just far away from me in a different form.

Love is never ending.

^^^^^

 

Today at my church in sacrament meeting, I went alone---as I often do, 

and listened to the testimonies of Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven. 

One guy mentioned that everything in life is because of our God.

job promotions.

beautiful homes.

miracles.

blessings.

the pay raise.

this glorious earth.

our health.

  I know many do not like this way of thinking--my friends have mentioned this to me, 

they think that God is prideful in wanting all the glory and power. 

I feel differently.

God is the ultimate power.

He already has all the power and control.

He isn't asking for the power when he already has it.

He is just asking us to acknowledge him and give thanks.

The purpose for prayer, fasting and thankfulness to God is for us to show 

HUMILITY--getting down on our knees and submitting, its actually quite difficult to submit.

Since the day I pleaded to our one true God the day Ollie passed on-I mean really pleaded, 

weeped and wailed, 

I have had a very difficult time trying to figure out why we pray, if our prayers are not answered.

It was not meant to be answered first off and it was also for me to recognize God is in control. 

I have since given my life to Him. 

Without Him, I am helpless and hopeless.

Today I submit to the most high God.

My life is turned over to you--oh, such a relief.

I am not in control and never was--I love this feeling.

Today I am liberated.

Thank you Ollie for allowing me to see the true meaning of life and make the most out of it.

and for helping me see the light and beauty in all this darkness.

It will all be okay.

I will find that happiness again.....

 Egypt, 2009

^^^^^

Please share if you have more insight on heaven, I would love to hear about, books, stories, proof--ha

Grief Books

I wanted to share some children's books about grief.

These are my favorite ones I have found for teaching those tender children all about grief.
The pictures and stories in my opinion are super cute, too!


Always and Forever
-for children about grief-

Click here to order a book


Sad Isn't Sad
-for children about grief-

Click here to order a book

 I Miss You

-for children about grief-

Click here to order a book

Being Sad When Someone Dies

-for children about grief-

Click here to order a book


The Scar

-for the loss of a grandmother-

Click here to order a book 

Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs

-for the loss of a grandmother-

Click here to order a book 

The Copper Tree
-for the loss of a teacher-

Click here to get a book


Samantha Jane's Missing Smile
-for the loss of a parent-

Click here to get a book


We Were Gonna Have a Baby,
But We Had An Angel Instead
-for the loss of a baby or pregnancy-

Click here to get a book