INWARD

Some days are harder than others---just like everyone's own life. 

The reality that my sweet little Ollie will not ever be here upon this earth until the morning of the first resurrection, hits me like a brick to the gut. 

I get so woozy just accepting this FACT of my new life. 

I really don't like it at all---but there is not.one.single.thing I can do to change it.  That really sucks....we can never go back and change things to be how we want. Sometimes I just can't accept that Ollie really died before my eyes, he took his last fighting breath while in his mom and dads arms, we really buried his precious 34 inch body( I only know how long he was because we had to fit him for his casket----awww how horrible) and he is no longer physically at our home. People often tell me that he is with me, but I don't see him or feel him very often, I have only dreamt of him once in 3.5 years--it's jut a constant fight to see the hope. Little things have shown me he is near and I do get tender mercies but seriously that is not enough. 

Faith is damn hard. 

Can I say that again? 

FAITH IS DAMN HARD especially after the most trying event---your child passing on from this earth and in a horrible, disgusting, traumatic way. 

It really is quite torturous and life long. 

As long as I am breathing I will forever miss my Ollie boy and there will forever be a whole in my delicate, but oh so resilient heart.

This past year has been more healing than I could have imagined as I focus inward and on healing myself. The pain is still very real and present in my body but, I have learned what works for me to bring me joy while still experiencing the pain.  

It is often a minute to minute struggle. 

One must really dig to the core of their soul, the core of their being. One must look inward and find that peace. It is there. It might be hardly noticeable, but you will find it. 

I have been meditating and practicing  yoga to help with my intense PTSD. I have learned to use yoga/prayer/meditation as a way to function in my daily life. It gives me the peace as I face challenging times. It's a way to quite the mind and see God inside of you---the light is glowing within. When I am quite I have felt Ollie so near. I have felt the pain so intensely inside of my heart that I thought it might burst out of my body, as I lay and sob with grief and then I feel the peace. It does come, but only after the shear devastation and agony. 

I know the peace, the joy, and the happiness will be experienced one day when I hold Ollie again. I know the dawn will come and the son/sun will rise again. I believe with all my broken heart that Jesus Christ has made it possible for all of us to live again. 

Body and soul reunited!

 I can't wait to witness this miracle and run to my precious Ollie.

My new favorite quote which I believe to be true.

Take a deep look inward---see what you can find.  Just sit and be. What you seek will seek you!

BTW I sure love my two living children.....

NAMASTE!!

Life, what is it anyway?

Why, as humans do we constantly try to figure out the meaning of life? I think we naturally want something more than this life can offer. We want to understand others, ourselves and God.

We want something deeper, more meaningful, and more fulfilled.

Why do we want to know heaven?

Since the Egyptians, humans have been sending prayers heavenward in hopes of learning something of that place. We have no pictures of heaven and no scientific evidence-I think our minds are not capable of expressing this beauty and pure happiness if we saw it.

A yoga pose you should practice.
Reaching heavenward.
Opening up your heart.

What is God?

I have been thinking about this. 

God is all knowing.

Lover of love.

Perfected.

He is the light.

He is the creator.

The Father.

Emanuel.

Elohim.

Shalom.
Jehovah.

I have been reading some things-just a few....I have found something I have never thought much about. 

For some reason it hit me today.

The purpose for Jesus Christ to come to earth was to remove our sins and walk with us in times of trial and allow us to be resurrected beings and live life eternal. 

Also, He came to teach us about the Father, so we could love him like he does. So we could one day be as he is. I think we can not obtain pure happiness and life eternal unless we are at a level of spirituality as the Father.

Spirituality is transformation.

meaning to life.

a stress reliever.

"In that sense Jesus did not come to improve God’s view of man nearly so much as He came to improve man’s view of God and to plead with them to love their Heavenly Father as He has always and will always love them. The plan of God, the power of God, the holiness of God, yes, even the anger and the judgment of God they had occasion to understand. But the love of God, the profound depth of His devotion to His children, they still did not fully know—until Christ came."

-Jeffery Holland

The world today and since the beginning of time was been in a fallen state. We must work everyday until we take our last breath to become better, more loving, more gentle, more patient.--Chris brought it to my attention, that some people are okay with not becoming better, they are content with themselves-- I am not one of those) We are all born with the light of Christ, but must fight against the natural man-who is an enemy to God.

I am getting all spiritual, I know. I can't help it. 

I think Ollie is at a level of spirituality I will not obtain in this life. 

His spirit is at a consciousness I long for.

the happiness.

the love.

the un-judging.

the all knowing.

the joy.

I can only dream of this happiness and try daily to achieve it.

//Remember, live everyday likes its your last//

Unfamilar Territory

When Ollie first had his horrible accident, I became a hermit. I didn't get out of bed, I didn't shower, and I didn't brush my teeth...some of those things I still do-its called depression. I was showered with text messages, emails, phone calls and visits...I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I totally appreciated all of it, but I was too depressed to answer anyone back. But do know each text and voicemail was read and heard. I did need these calls to know I was LOVED.  I just didn't physically have enough energy to reply back, all my energy was being focused on surviving and keeping Poppy safe inside my tummy while 8 months pregnant.....With that said, I would like to share some things that might help others who are wanting to help someone in their time of great need after loss.

The three most powerful things to help someone through the dark journey of grief. 



-SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING-PLEASE. This has probably been my number one sadness. Just even say a quick hello and smile. A hug would have done wonders too. I needed lots of hugs, my heart needed to physically connect with others hearts, so mine could heal. I know its awkward. Its scary too and death is untouched territory for most, but come on people, when someone is at their low of lows and you know it, a hello just might pull them out of their storm for a brief moment. By looking the other way when the giant elephant enters the room, is so hurtful. I know you are shy, so am I at times. It has been done so many times to me. It hurts. I fell even deeper into my depression. I remember when I first went back to church, I always went with sweet Ollie in tow and then to go without him-crushing, and for some people to just avoid me--even more crushing. I totally understand, I really do. I just hope in the future others will remember this when faced with an awkward situation. One last thing, if someone ever came up and started talking, I always brought up Ollie and his accident, don't worry, you won't have to. He is at the forefront of my every thought.

-SHOWER THE PERSON WITH LOVE. They will need lots of it to make it through their grueling storm they are in the midst of. They will need phone calls, random text, letters in the mail, anything to remind them of their child, or a day out to lunch. They are in a dark storm and can't think straight, so they need assistance from someone sane and grounded. I remember getting random packages in the mail and it touched my heart, it healed me one act of kindness at a time. I was not very rational and needed others who had been in my shoes to tell me I could do this. Also hat I was going to be alright and that I could make it through the dark. I am barely seeing some light now, 2 years later and I now hope to spread that light around to others!!! Love makes the world go round. Thank you for the constant love.

-DON'T LEAVE THE PERSON ALONE TOO LONG. Yes I wanted  and needed space, but it actually was not healing to be alone for too long. I sunk deeper and deeper. I needed that hand to reach in and pull me up. I actually never wanted to be alone-cause I was alone when Ollie's accident happened. I couldn't shower alone, use the toilet, be in my bedroom alone or drive anywhere alone- I needed reassurance something bad wouldn't happen again. I hated my alone time. My thoughts were damaging and too hurtful. I needed others to carry me while I was down and out-and this they did. 

I think all of these things can be applied to any issue in life, addiction, loss, depression, anxiety, obesity, self esteem, anger...etc.

Please spread the love to someone in need....

^*^*^*^*^*^

A yoga posture that has really opened up my heart. Give it a try. Grief pulls your head and heart to the floor, this pose opens up the heart and turns it upward to God. It feels AMAZING
Go here for the entire pose.