Preemie Power

For the past 3 years I have been grieving and quite frankly, it has been exhausting to even do anything else. It's like you are always running on empty and you can't seem to ever feel satisfied or full. I feel as if I just can't quite catch up...ever. And maybe I never will experience rest until my work is finished here upon this earth....

Having Poppy one month after Ollie died was exhausting. My hormones were a mess, I was a mess and I was intensely grieving. My body mind and spirit were all confused as to what just happened. 

shock. 

disbelief.

nightmares.

horror.

madness. 

loss. 

death.

birth.

All these heavy emotions have left me feeling tired mentally and physically....Oh yes, I am still tired.

My goodness.  Grief is all consuming. unwanted. and life long.

<<<<<

Then, my life wasn't exciting enough so Mr. Loxxley decided to liven things up with his entrance!

I feel like I didn't quite take it in and accept all that was happening once my water broke at 21 weeks. I just went into survival mode and did what I had to do to keep him safe.

It was a ANOTHER GIANT SHOCKER.

Seriously, when my water broke and we met with that first maternal fetal medicine doctor who told us we had 2 options,

1- terminate the pregnancy by having an abortion

OR

2-continue with the pregnancy and I and the baby might both die.

So, we might have to say goodbye to another child or Chris might have to say goodbye to me and a child and raise Poppy alone......

Neither option looked very promising, but Chris and I were not going to decide whether our child should live or die by terminating the pregnancy. God was in full control. We were going to go full force forward and hope for another miracle since we didn't receive one with Ollie, we thought had a fighting chance.  The doctor made us feel like the first option would probably be the safest and best. Yes, we understood that my life was in danger of a deadly infection but, if I was at the hospital they could monitor my failing body hourly. This decision was hard considering I had a toddler at home who had already experienced a crazy life thus far yet, it felt right for our family--thanks to my mom who jumped on a plane that day to watched Poppy and offer us much needed moral support!

This Doctor made me angry and I wondered how many other parents were going in there with no hope like us? I understand the statistics the doc was providing but, he could have offered some HOPE and told me of children that do survive. Maybe my situation was very unlikely that the baby would survive or that I would contract the disease---but I didn't and we got our miracle!!! I sure wish more hope was offered and more trust put in the higher power--GOD. Miracles happen daily in hospitals. Hope is all you have in the end. Remember this. If I didn't fight for my baby, no one else was going to---except my sweetest nurses on the planet. Keep fighting mommas. I know there are moms who will be experiencing this while reading my blog. I tell you to hold strongly onto that HOPE and FAITH in your child and go forward like a tiger! [an yes, unfortunately there are tragic and sad endings--until you know the end, keep fighting]

Look at my precious miracle. I don't think I fully realized how amazing he was at that time. I was still grieving hard for Ollie. His head was the size of a lemon...so tiny and so precious straight from Ollie!

2lbs. 5oz.     27.6 weeks gestation. Half hour after a one push breach vaginal delivery

I have had some bottled up feelings lately about Loxxley, the NICU, and how scary and horribly hard I fought through it all, as well as how hard Loxxley fought.  I am proud of myslef for fighting for my baby after losing Ollie only a year earlier. Going through this was more traumatic than I had wished. It's intense and it was so dang scary.

Life can be so tough and look so helpless. I am here to tell you all reading this,

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU EVEN KNOW.

KEEP FIGHTING YOUR BATTLE. 

KEEP PRAYING TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR HIS UNENDING POWER AND LOVE.

DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP.

<<<<<

  

Life....

Sometimes I feel as if I don't quite get enough time to really think about things that my family has gone through in the last 2 years, we have just been surviving and dealing.

When I do sit and really think about Ollie not being in our home physically to hold and hug, and then having another child almost die due to being a preemie, I am overwhelmed with sadness and exhaustion. and in the next moment, I am happy those moments are behind me. Losing Ollie was horrific in every way, and turned my life upside down and backwards-I really went for a spin-quickly downward. Then, having my water break at 21 weeks-I seriously wanted to die right then and there, I didn't think I could take anymore-little did I know what was ahead, being on bed rest away from Poppy for 7 weeks, facing the uncertain NICU for 3 exhausting and having my mom fly up on a moments notice to take care of my family while I sit in the ugly hospital fighting with my baby for his life, has not been what I imagined as a naive 18 year old on top of the world.

Through it all I have learned a lot. I have grown a lot spiritually, mentally and emotionally-not by choice, but by force and I have hit my rock bottom-I hope. I have learned how precious our life is, I have learned to trust GOD with everything I have-I am not in control, and I have learned to FULLY LIVE IN EACH MOMENT because our days are number here upon this earth.  

My heart has been shredded, torn, and broken into a million little pieces. I have been slowly finding myself again and putting those pieces back together. My heart will never be the same-a piece is missing, but it has expanded and grown larger by having Poppy and Loxxley in my life.

Loxxley has taught me that miracles do happen and prayers are answered-not on our time frame of how or when we want, but they are answered. We prayed so hard for Ollie-he didn't survive. We prayed just as hard for Loxxley-he did survive. Not sure why, only our creator knows this-and trust me I will be asking quite a few questions when I get to heaven, but I am thankful for my 2 children who are living with me today on this earth....until the eternities, I enjoy today while trying to find out why I am here and what this life is all about.

Loxxley really is a living miracle, started so tiny, but so strong.
He went from this.....

His head was the size of a lemon-the purple thing is the nurses glove

His precious body did not look well, he was see-through and not ready to be here.

To this.....

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>>>Does anyone know how to change my blog so everyone can comment, not just people who have google+???

>>>And according to comments, there are only about 5 people who read my blog...maybe its due to the google+ thing

 

Rainbow babies

Some pictures that heal my shattered heart and bring light to my all consuming darkness...enjoy!! 

Poppy 23 months 

Loxxley 4 months

Best uncle award...lol. Poppy followed him around for hours dressed up. 

Change

Just a few small things....

(Not really time to explain everything in depth-due to my lack of sleep, moving and my anxiety of leaving my child in the NICU for 7 weeks now)

A new job for Chris!

 He will be working for Doppelmayr as an engineer. A dream job for him. Got the job and moved out of our house within 2 weeks. This change will be a nice way to take a breath, collect ourselves and just slow down for a bit. 

A big move to Utah. 

Chris, Poppy and my awesome dad drove all night and then unloaded the moving truck today. We will be living in my hospitable parents basement appt.

We will miss Oregon. We have loved living here and eating at so many yummy and unique restaurants. We have so many friends who will forever be our friends and who we will deeply miss. Its so bittersweet to leave our neighbors who helped perform CPR on sweet Ollie. This house was the last place Ollie was...everyone knows Ollie there.

 Our Oregon 4th street and amazing ward will always hold a tender spot in our hearts-I have gotten so mushy with my words and more serious about life since Ollies passing-I will never be the same again.

Living at the Ronald McDonald house. 

I will be staying here until Loxxley is out of the hospital.  

Whoa. 

What an amazing place this is for families and what a blessing to be experiencing what so many have donated to. They take care of everything and provide taxis to and from the hospital at all hours of the day or night. 

A Big Gigantic thank you to everyone who donates to this great cause. 

Truly amazing in every way.

We hope to give back in a small way someday.

*****

A few pics of sweet Loxxley.

Because he's just so darn cute and precious in every way.

4lbs 11 oz. 7 weeks old. 

35 weeks corrected.

Has an NG feeding tube and is on diuretics.

He is still desating with every feed.

-in every pic he looks so different-

Tired

I am tired...again. This time I'm even more tired than before because I'm still running my emotional marathon of grief and now piled on to that is the emotional roller coaster of the NICU. Goodness sake. No time for myself. I don't mind, but how long can I do this? I guess at least with the NICU there is an end in site, with missing Ollie, it's life long and it's a physical pain.

My word, this NICU job is full time. I get up in the mornings, shower-sometimes-I know I'm awesome, make breakfast, clean up, pump, then race off to the hospital. Stay at the hospital until 7ish, pumping and holding my little man (I am holding him as I write this) while I admire his perfect features and furry body!!! Then drive a half an hour to arrive home just in time for my meal made by my special chef! Yum. I then relax for an hour and change into my pjs and fall asleep on the couch, exhausted. Where does the time go? The days go by so quickly. At least with the days passing so quickly, it takes me closer to holding Ollie-as I write this I still can't believe, accept, grasp, or understand that he isn't physically in our home to take care of. It's too much to bare. 

Loxxley is well on his way to 34 weeks-6 weeks old. It's so weird with this gestation age thing because he should stil be in my tummy. 

Poor little thing has all that 'stuff' on him. I can't wait to hold and snuggle him with out the cpap. He also has a football shaped head from the pressure of the hat. 

Today's stats

5 weeks 3 days old (33 weeks)

HR(heartrate):159

RR(respitory rate): 37

Oxygen: 94

Feedings: 30 ml

Cpap of 4: 23% 

3lbs. 9oz. 

One of the firsts times he has been wide awake while I'm there. 

Little Loxxley!!!

Doernbecher neonatal intensive care unit

•Our little guy is doing well and growing about 10grams a day! 

•He is tolerating 20ml of breast milk. 

•He is pooping and peeing. 

•He is on cpap to force room air (21%) into his lungs to help the alveoli not collapse. 

•At times, through out the day he does need a bit of help with oxygen, but majority of times he is on just room air. 

•He still has a feeding tube which will hopefully be removed in 2-3 weeks and I can begin nursing him!!! 

•I have a cold sore which I have now had for a week, so I'm not allowed in the NICU.
Oh my goodness.
Darn it's hard to not see my little peanut.
The herpes virus can kill a preemie with in hours. Not worth even getting near him or any other preemies. 

•Chris has done the kangaroo hold all week!! They both LOVE it. Loxxley even opened his eyes for a while and turned to Chris when he heard his voice...tender. 

•Chris and I have both changed his tiny diaper and given him a taste of breast milk to coat his dry lips and mouth.

**We are so touched at the kind things done for us. I say this all the time, but it's true, we can never repay you all, but we will continue to pay it forward. 

Thank you 

Thank you

Thank you

for all the faith in me, my baby and my family. I am weak, so weak, but you all make me strong. You lift me, you inspire me, you hold me up, and you pray for me. It means the world to Chris and I and we couldn't survive without all the genuine love.

With that said, I could still just cry every minute. My heart hurts, it aches and it's broken. My breathing is shallow and I find myself constantly taking a deep breath because I forget to breathe. Tears pouring down my face are always just a thought away-but I am real good at pushing those away lately. When it's all too much, I just don't think.

I can't go there. I just can't. 

I am numb. 

Surviving. 

Living in disbelief. 

Dreaming of better days....

Our little fighter

Many people have been texting, calling and emailing me about an update....I' am so sorry.
I have been busier than I thought with my new little guy, learning to walk again, and enjoying my husband and little gal!!!

10 days old

My days have been spent pumping every 3 hours, getting my body use to walking again
and driving to the hospital.
I wish I could stay with my little man all.day.long, but I know I have
another child who needs me just as much or more at this point.

***

The little guys pod and home for the next few months

Look at that tiny bum...oh my, I was so nervous.

First time holding him, only for about 5 seconds while the nurses changed the bedding, but it was special.

I sang to him and he looked at his momma!!

Now thats just the tiniest foot...teenie tiny.

No, this little peanut still doesn't have a name.
There are about 3 names we are considering, well I don't really love them, but they are all we've got.
EZRA
LOXXLEY
KOA

My favorite is Loxxley, nic name Loxx.
Let me hear what you all think, and remember his middle name is KAI, after his big brother!

Sweet baby boys update
-He is still on room air and cpap-
-He is now having regular stools-
-He is tolerating his cpap changes very well, he is on 4-the lowest-
-His tummy is now soft-
-His x-ray of his tummy came back normal-
-He weighs 1000 grams-
-He is on 6ML of breast milk-
-He lost blood and they aren't sure where it went, so he had a blood transfusion, he accepted it well-
-Not sure about the brain bleed after the blood loss-
-He has another brain scan on Friday-

Please pray for our little guy.
 I really feel bad to ask for help and prayers again. I already had prayers and help when Ollie passed onto heaven,
now this???
It's just too much for Chris and I.
We are stuggling.
How can we possibly be doing this?
Its just sureal to sit in the Doernbecher Neonatal Critical Care
and
think about when Ollie was in the
Doernbecher Pediatric Critical Care.
How can we possibly have 2 sons fighting for their lives in the exact same hospital?
We didn't get our miracle we had wished, hoped, pleaded, and weeped for.....I hope the second time around we get our MIRACLE.