You are stonger than you thought

My two boys!

Both boys are the same age here!

I love dressing Loxxley in Ollie's clothes.

All day yesterday I felt like Loxx was really Ollie- I kept doing a double take to see if it was really OLLIE! 

It was this weird feeling-but very neat too.

The truth is, Ollie lives on in my children. 

I see him and feel him through them.

I still keep Ollies clothes in the dresser and in the closet-he is still a member of our daily life.  

Might sound crazy to you.

But for me it's healing and just perfect.

  I often put his underwear or the unwashed clothing on my face and take a deep breathe in, crying quickly before Poppy comes in needing something, as I think of his soul and ask him to be near--I never let anyone see me doing this...ha ha, might look pretty weird. 

 Can you picture it now? 

Undies on my head as I'm sniffing them?

***

Grieving the death of a child is intense.

it's unnatural.

it's unfair.

 and it hurts.

We don't have any guidelines for this pain.

and nothing could ever prepare us for this catastrophic event.

Do what brings healing into your life.

Do what feels right to you individually.

Acknowledge the pain, the sorrow, the loss.

Turn directly to it, embrace it with open arms and jump over it.

This is where you will find the most healing.


YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE

//What crazy things do you do to help you heal// 

***

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die." 

Healing

This place out in the middle of the dessert they call Nevada......well, its been healing the Hebb family.

When Chris and I thought about moving out here for his job, we never thought we would end up in Carson City.
What does Nevada have to offer anyway?
Just a big desert with lots of gambling and old people.

So we thought.

We sure were wrong about all that. We have loved this house and all our surroundings. It has been more healing that I ever imagined. The water in Lake Tahoe has healing powers just by simply looking at it's vibrant blue hue. These powerful 300 year old trees all around our property have been pretty nice too.


So here are some pictures of our family 3 years after our storm....still grieving, still breathing and still healing.

We are trying to find that daily peace!

We collect rollie-pullies daily for her bug infatuation.

May you all find healing this day. Today is special and you never get it back. Make it count!
Thanks again for all your love.

Noble Trees

This house we moved into in Carson, as we are told has been a true miracle.
Nothing was for rent in this area and if it was, it was very expensive.
Some hire power was certainly involved and knew we could seriously use this for
 our hurting and heavy hearts.
This house and acre of land has seriously played a BIG part in our healing in the last several months.
Being thankful for what we have....and we have so much.

 I feel the power of these wise and noble living giants!
Sometimes the wind is so severe up here I often wonder if the trees will blow down. They are so firmly rooted into the ground and have survived through so much. I think of myself as a tree. I must be firmly planted into the earth before I can begin to grow and I have withstood severe storms blowing my way. Then, after the storm on the sunny days they stand proud and tall.
They really hold a lot of power in them.
Try it.
Go hug one!! ha

They heal the soul.

Chris and I feel like we are camping every day when we wake up and look outside--there are giant 100 year old trees out every single window. 

Oh and did I mention?
 It's OLLIE BLUE sky every single day in Carson!! 

^^^^^^^^^^

We had a nice weekend in Napa enjoying our family and sunshine!
My children appear to be very happy and Ollie's death has not affected them too much in a negative way. I know they feel my love and concern. They see my sadness at times nonetheless, they see my happiness and love for life too.
I hope the happy times out way the sad and we can all heal together.

"All you can do is all you can do
 and all you can do is enough"

Healing

Yesterday and today turned out to be far better than I could have ever expected. I honestly can't believe the strength I have felt in the last two days....a lot of kind souls must be offering prayers on our behalf---we sure feel them. 

>>>God is good<<<

I really can't help but acknowledge God for the things in my life. 

He has a plan, I just feel it.
He has healed me and guided me.

The strength I get is from the one on high.

It is very interesting to me that the lower and harder you fall the higher you will climb due to the strength you have received after fighting your battle.  

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;

the most massive characters are seared with scars."

-Kahlil Gibran

I am STRONG and so are each and every one of you reading this.
Have some faith in yourself. 
 

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday sweet Poppy woke up asking if she could get her ears pierced. She has actually asked for months but, never really wanted to when it came down to it. 

I don't think for a second that it was a coincidence that she asked. We had wanted to do some special things as a family and this was just that. 

 

She got a tiny star earring.

How can we not have a good day with little missy in our lives.....

We also went to dinner at a new restaurant and a man without any children just adored Poppy and told her if he had children like Poppy he would have 10. I think it warmed this old mans heart and he wanted to buy Poppy pink ice cream....so he did. 
What a kind gentleman.

^^^^^^^^^^

One of my favorite songs lately...thanks Carly! 

Lennon and Maisy.  

Check these sisters out here

 

Are You Living on Earth?

My mind wonders.

 My thoughts drift to a happy place, pain free, guilt free, beautiful beyond earthly comprehension and full of pure happiness.

This place is heaven. 

I dream often of going there. 

I dream often of what my Ollie is doing there.

I know it must be something very important for him to be there instead of here.

I am sure it is a beautiful place.

As I dream about heaven and Ollie, I am quickly taken back to earth with my living children when Poppy pulls my arm saying "Momma, hold me, hold me" 

or 

Loxxley wanting to nurse every few hours

or 

Poppy randomly peeing her pants

or

Loxxley screaming because he fell and hit his head

or

Poppy dancing up and down with excitement because she saw a squirrel

or 

Loxxley staring into my eyes ever so sweetly as I rock him
or
Poppy telling me her tiny doggy can walk like her.

My children need me--and boy do I need them.

I have been thinking a lot of how I am here and now still living upon this earth. 

I must live for today and take care of my living children. 

I miss Ollie so much.
Often I focus on his death and his lack of presents so much that I miss the cute things that are happening right in front of me.
I must make the most of TODAY. 

Here is to Poppy and Loxxley and the life they live, they bring me so much joy

Today I live for you both-and Ollie of course, that's a given.

Ollies Physical Possesions

Since we moved we have spent the last week unpacking everything, it has been special to look at all of Ollies precious things--and in the end, they are just things.

Darn, I want him.....

His special chest.
His spider man pj's the nurse dressed him in, his favorite handmade moccs-he wore everyday, his mascara, he always held as he slept, the underwear I proudly put him in and the teddy bear he got from his last ambulance ride.
//Tender Memories//

***

My sweet friend Casey sent me this wax pieces and told us to take an impression of Ollies fingers for a future necklace. It was so weird to touch his cold, hard body and take his impressions. I knew he wasn't there, but I didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't do it so I had my brother do it. My friend later got silver necklaces made for us! Such a precious gift! 

***

This folder is giant. 

It's so stupid. 

I don't like that after you have to do the hardest thing in life-saying goodbye, you still have to pay for your hospital bills. Of course the doctors deserve millions for what they tried to do, but still who wants to pay for a terrible memory and experience.

***

As I opened some important papers this fell out. I hate seeing it, but it did indeed happen to my Ollie.

He did take his last breaths here upon this mortal earth. 

He has 3 death certificates--why isn't one enough? yuck

.death. 

It does not end here, I just know it. Ollie is patiently waiting in the Heavens.

***

Ollie's precious hand and foot molds--One day we will get them bronzed. The nurse took these impressions for us. I didn't really want them at the time, but now I want every.single.piece of his last moments on earth. I cling to those bittersweet moments of holding him tenderly and with great sobbs saying our goodbyes, for now. I actually couldn't even find the words to speak to him. The words were stuck inside me. I knew that our spirits were communicating and Ollie knew my heart. My heart was in total shock, as well as the rest of my body. I have talked to Ollie's sweet nurse and she said I looked like a deer in the headlights. I am sure I was a mess- a total mess. I knew I had to not let out my agonizing, broken heart, motherly screams. I would not have stopped once it started, it was all too much. I was so worried about my other little baby growing inside.  She must have been feeling all this sorrow and pain. I often think about what Poppy has gone through in her short 2.5 years...poor thing. I have to remind myself to be patient with her.

///This morning we were all having our morning snuggles in our bed. I said to Poppy, "this is fun, we are all here snuggling" Poppy hugged me tightly and said, "mom I wish Ollie was here with us" in a tender, sad voice. She's so precious and I know she misses her brother.

  

A horrific day in time

As I sit here and type, I hear that awful washing machine running......and think back to the day just 2 short, but oh-so-long years ago that ended in a horrible and awful earthly goodbye to our son Ollie. The raw horror and disbelief I felt as I found my child dead in my washing machine....It disgusts me in every way and with every fiber of my body to even say how Ollie died.

 I WILL NEVER BELIEVE IT. 

I am upset-upset is an understatement and hate that this EVER happened. These moments in my life are Never to be forgotten or erased from my mind. It is etched in there so perfectly, 

the smells, the intense love as we say goodbye,

 the 30 hours of pure exhaustion,

the complete chaos and panic, 

the most heartfelt and pleading prayers, 

the instant and lifelong broken heart,
despair,

the tender last moments,

the tiniest bit of hope,
 peace amidst all the pain,

the gut wrenching screams coming from my mouth as I hold Ollies hand in shear fright,

and

the most awful text message ever written to Ollies daddy.....

911, 

Ollies DEAD.
What a horrific day.

Your entire life can change in an instant, to never be the same again.
It is so strange and not right in any way to me that we as humans can be going about our business as mothers, fathers-just people and have one.single.event, one minute.in.time that can change our lives FOREVER-for better or worse. 

I actually feel bad for myself that the day of the accident, I was just being a good momma-a darn good one. I was enjoying my son and teaching him to help me. I had no idea what was about to hit me in the face and knock me to my knees, screaming in agony. I feel so bad for anyone who ever will experience this in their lifetime, and many of you reading this will, unfortunately.

For something to knock you flat on your face when you are the happiest you have been in a longtime without any warning, is quiet cruel, in my opinion. I was just minding my own business. Enjoying life and being thankful for our new move to Oregon, a new start, a new job and new neighbors. I just can't believe how life can change so drastically in an instant.

.UNIMAGINABLE.

.still in shock and disbelief.

*/*/*/*/*

My family and I arranged to go to Ollies spot yesterday for a picnic. 

It was a beautiful day, an Ollie day!!!

 We ate lunch and then sang this song-sung by Ollies cousins at his life celebration

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv3APfq9Mkc 

then we talked about memories of Ollie. I think everyone of us there had a sign that it was Ollies time to leave this mortal world. So many tender things happened the weeks before and the day of the accident.

Did Ollie know what was coming? 

I believe his spirit did-thanks Dre for pointing this out to me

but his little 2 year old body did not.

I am so blessed to be Ollies momma forever and have him to hold in the eternities. I know he is a special little guy who has touched more lives than he could have if he were alive. It is quite amazing to me that in his 2 years and by his death he touched more lives thatn most do in a lifetime. 

Whoa, what a strong spirit he is. 

He is my warrior, my reason to keep fighting. 

He gives me strength and leads me along.

.wish i could go back to that day.

.what a proud father.

 

Ollie boy, 

I miss you every minute of every day. I long to hold you and to kiss you, but you already know this. You know my heart, a piece of it is with you. You know my love. You know me.

I am a better person because you are a part of my life forever. 

Prepare the glorious spirit world for us, until we see you again....

*/*/*/*/*

Doctrine and Covenants 137:10

 “All Children Who Die Before They Arrive at the Years of Accountability Are Saved in the Celestial Kingdom” 

“Children are saved through the atonement and because they are free from sin. They come from God in purity; no sin or taint attaches to them in this life; and they return in purity to their Maker."

-Bruce R. Mckonkie