The light

Today I was driving in the car listening to the music really loud, which I hardly ever do, but today I just needed to yell out the song and let some steam off. After the song was over I was thinking back to right after Ollie died---as I do daily.  It seemed as if I had been encapsulated in a power of light.  I couldn't even begin to think about talking negatively about anyone, listen to loud music that did't sound like angels singing, swear or watch any violence on the TV.  It seemed as if I was only seeking positive things and this pure light. I wanted only happy things to surround me. It was pretty blissful even though I felt and still feel this deep heartbreaking pain.

Now.....

that spirit of extreme goodness is slowly leaving me. I am not saying I'm now bad, but the pureness that was felt and carried along with me is fading a bit and I don't like it.  

I think, when others hear about a child tragically passing on, they tend to pray constantly for that family---those prayers are felt and surround the family.  Chris and I literally felt those prayers....there are not even words to describe the power, but we were physically carried by many angels--here on earth and angels not of this world.

Simply Amazing..... 

I loved all those feelings of blissfulness, I really do, but I do believe that is not of this world. I did get a sweet taste of heaven and the eternities and I can't wait for those days again when I transfer to the heavens to be with my children and family! 

^^^^^^

So, lets be honest......our society is so confused. I get confused too, as to what is right and wrong. I feel as if people are denying the very thought of heaven, God, eternities, faith, hope, love, self respect, the belief in angels, eternal life, families, and themselves.....they seem to be turning to what is cool or socially acceptable at that moment. 

EMOTION IS LOST.

I have felt this burning inside of my body to share my strong conviction of HEAVEN, GOD, and ETERNITY.....It is all for real and my son lives there. I can't help but seek a place I long to go and reside with my son.

Have you ever asked if these things are really true on your knees with a pure heart????

I have.

And they burn with in my entire body.  

I seek that perfect light my son is resinating.

I seek heaven, that place I will enter someday soon.

I seek God and Jesus Christ, the masters of the Universe.

and you should too.

We can seek all theses things and still, we are all imperfect......Since time began, man has seeked the heavens.

My peanuts bring me into the light!

That dang washer

Did you know I hate that stupid machine??? It makes me made every time I even look at it. I am still aboard that crazy roller coaster, experiencing bad and good days......the bad, crying moments only last a few minutes luckily. If you did happen to see me around town, you would proabably say I appear to be happy. I am happy, but there are times through out the day where I just sit and hate almost EVERYTHING....except my family, friends, and children! I get very depressed and have anger settle over my entire body.....This feeling is quickly removed from me the moment Poppy or tiny--aka. Loxxley, crawl on me and kiss me!!

^^^^^

Last night my sweet mom was washing the sheets because my sister had just gone home and Chris and I wanted to move into the bigger room. The sheets had been washing for a while now and I went to take them out and put them into the dryer. As I opened the lid the exact same picture overtook my mind----when I found sweet Ollie.

AAWWWW....YUCK...it really hurts my lungs, my back, my heart, my brain, and every inch of my body to think about that horrific moment finding my Ollie boy--the moment that significantly changed my life forever here on earth and in the eternities.

As I starred looking at the sheets, in that cold ugly washing machine--exactly what I was washing the day Ollie fell in.

I know, I too feel the intense pressure in my chest. Right now I almost can't breathe. Sometimes it doesn't affect me like this...other times I can barely say the words.

I seriously imagined Ollie in there....I almost put my hands in to feel him. My mind thought I was back at that exact awful moment. Thank goodness I don't ever have to find Ollie dead again---it sounds so weird and it really trips my mind out--this grief thing. this death thing. this burying your child thing....it's all awful and it's all hard to comprehend and accept.

I slammed the washer lid and ran up stairs to tell my mom the washer had gotten stuck on the first cycle with a full load of water.

I was angry at that stupid thing that took Ollie's life----I have to remind myself that we all will die one day and I can't really think of a perfect way for Ollie to have died other than peacefully in his sleep. I really think that there is an angel of death that peacefully removes all pain the moment we die....

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Or does this just bring peace to my soul?


I find my HOPE today in one day seeing sweet Ollie again. I find hope in knowing he is in the other room and very close to me.  He is aware. He lives on. He is real. He was and is my son.

Live in the moment before it passes.....say your sorry first. Love more, hug more and be kinder!!

^^^^^

I often find myself wondering why Ollie had to die in such a freaky, horrific way? I have never heard of this happening to another person. Who could have ever imagined this? Surely not me. He was too big and way too smart. I don't even know how he physically fit in there...once again, makes my stomach turn thinking about it.  I honestly think--call me crazy, but I think that by Ollie dying in this manner allowed more lives to be touched. This is all I can seem to come up with. It was such a shocking way that seemed to reach millions. Every person I randomly tell about the accident has already heard about it on the news. I know for certain Ollie has reached many, just like the random guy who said he has a special connection with Ollie and Ollie is his guardian angel. Wow. Pretty cool!


^^^^^

JOHN 4
 14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

He Will Rise

Since it is Easter weekend, I have been thinking so much about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I have really been trying to see if I believe it really happened to Jesus Christ and it will happen to Ollie. I have always thought I had a testimony of it but, then Ollie passed away and it became so much more real. I needed for myslef, a firm knowledge without a doubt. The only way I have received this is by studying and much work on my part.  I have been reading a lot of books about heaven and the testimonies of people seeing angels. I feel I can not share things unless I know for certain.

Does heaven really exist?
Does God exist?
Will we all rise again just as Jesus Christ?

YES.
YES.
YES.
I DO BELIEVE.

Watch this and see if you believe

I believe Jesus Christ really walked here upon the earth performing miracles. 
He was a healer and a teacher.
He was perfect in every way.
He was a follower of our God.
He is the only Savior.
He is the light.
He died for each one of us.
He is the way back to our eternal families.
God is there for us and I KNOW He hears our cries.

Jesus Christ broke the bands of time and space, that is why He is able to physically walk with us during our struggles, our low moment and our heartaches. He carries and comforts us all along the way. He is really right by our side---we just can't see Him. Jesus Christ has seriously been the only way I have found rest from my heartache.

My sweet love will rise again....

The Small Things

At night I do most of my thinking as I lay in bed and wonder how my life got suddenly so twisted. Oh, yes the big elephant is still there--Ollie's death.

Remember that big pivotal moment that changed the fate of my family forever? 

It still stings. 

Ollie.

The pressure in my chest is still there, the ability to take deep breaths is still lacking, and the shock is still very real. 

I know these feeling will never go away but, they have lessened as I learn to live with the shock, the pain and the loss of breath. 

My life has always been about the simple things. I am very simple in my dress, my hair and my desires. I like this and it works for me. Now, after Ollie's transitioning heavenward, it is an even deeper drive to be more simple and see what really matters in my life. I have just begun to wear mascara. That was ALWAYS the one item of make-up I wore...until that unbelievable day. I have not worn it in 2.5 years--mostly because I would cry it all off hourly. I tried to look at myself in the mirror those first few months, I just couldn't--I felt too vain.
My son just died.
How could I stare at myself?
Why would I care about myself looking good?
I have since thought a bit different nonetheless, I still feel a bit guilty primping myself. I'm not sure why, I just do. And seriously I'm not saying if you dress up and look good you are being vain, I just choose not to focus so much attention in that area--I just can't. 

So the simple things?

This is what I focus on now even more. 

Relationships.

Family. 

Love. 

Happiness. 

Service.

God. 

Testimony. 

Nature. 

Deep connections. 

Not stuff'.

For some reason after Ollie died, 'stuff' really weighed my mind and body down. I felt like if I couldn't have Ollie, then I didn't need all this materialistic stuff.
And in the end we can not take any of it with us.....ONLY OUR EXPERIENCES AND KNOWLEDGE. That's it. 

The simple things in life will one day add up to be the big things.

Make the small things count today. You NEVER get this day again.

^^^^^

Today Poppy and I were talking about Easter, Jesus, resurrection, and Ollie. I told her Jesus died like Ollie and He was resurrected so that we can all be a family forever one day in heaven. She listened politely and attentively. Then she quietly told me she needed to show me something. We both walked over to a picture we have of Jesus and a little boy--we say it's Ollie. She pointed out Jesus and Ollie. It felt as if it were her testimony to me that she knows where Ollie is. It was a matter-of-fact. She then began to tell me how Jesus and Ollie were holding hands in heaven. It was just so tender. I told her they are in heaven together and we will be there soon only because of Jesus dying and raising again. 

Healing

Yesterday and today turned out to be far better than I could have ever expected. I honestly can't believe the strength I have felt in the last two days....a lot of kind souls must be offering prayers on our behalf---we sure feel them. 

>>>God is good<<<

I really can't help but acknowledge God for the things in my life. 

He has a plan, I just feel it.
He has healed me and guided me.

The strength I get is from the one on high.

It is very interesting to me that the lower and harder you fall the higher you will climb due to the strength you have received after fighting your battle.  

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;

the most massive characters are seared with scars."

-Kahlil Gibran

I am STRONG and so are each and every one of you reading this.
Have some faith in yourself. 
 

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday sweet Poppy woke up asking if she could get her ears pierced. She has actually asked for months but, never really wanted to when it came down to it. 

I don't think for a second that it was a coincidence that she asked. We had wanted to do some special things as a family and this was just that. 

 

She got a tiny star earring.

How can we not have a good day with little missy in our lives.....

We also went to dinner at a new restaurant and a man without any children just adored Poppy and told her if he had children like Poppy he would have 10. I think it warmed this old mans heart and he wanted to buy Poppy pink ice cream....so he did. 
What a kind gentleman.

^^^^^^^^^^

One of my favorite songs lately...thanks Carly! 

Lennon and Maisy.  

Check these sisters out here

 

Just today

 I have faith and hope that my sweet Ollie-pop lives on. 

I feel it through out every inch of my body--from the smallest cell in my head all the way to the bottom of my toes.

How can you look at this picture and think, me as his mother, will never see him again? 

It just can not be.

If you have not ever lost a child or loved one, then you might not consider heaven or eternity. But the moment your precious child---a physical piece of you, a child that you carried in your womb for 9 months, strongly gave birth to and tenderly nurtured every day of life,  

dies and goes to this place, then will you highly consider looking beyond yourself and your own thoughts into something greater than you and I.

I don't really understand how the physical body is transferred, but matter is neither created or destroyed, so our light must transfer on somewhere else.

For me, Ollie is real, he is still living, just far away from me in a different form.

Love is never ending.

^^^^^

 

Today at my church in sacrament meeting, I went alone---as I often do, 

and listened to the testimonies of Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven. 

One guy mentioned that everything in life is because of our God.

job promotions.

beautiful homes.

miracles.

blessings.

the pay raise.

this glorious earth.

our health.

  I know many do not like this way of thinking--my friends have mentioned this to me, 

they think that God is prideful in wanting all the glory and power. 

I feel differently.

God is the ultimate power.

He already has all the power and control.

He isn't asking for the power when he already has it.

He is just asking us to acknowledge him and give thanks.

The purpose for prayer, fasting and thankfulness to God is for us to show 

HUMILITY--getting down on our knees and submitting, its actually quite difficult to submit.

Since the day I pleaded to our one true God the day Ollie passed on-I mean really pleaded, 

weeped and wailed, 

I have had a very difficult time trying to figure out why we pray, if our prayers are not answered.

It was not meant to be answered first off and it was also for me to recognize God is in control. 

I have since given my life to Him. 

Without Him, I am helpless and hopeless.

Today I submit to the most high God.

My life is turned over to you--oh, such a relief.

I am not in control and never was--I love this feeling.

Today I am liberated.

Thank you Ollie for allowing me to see the true meaning of life and make the most out of it.

and for helping me see the light and beauty in all this darkness.

It will all be okay.

I will find that happiness again.....

 Egypt, 2009

^^^^^

Please share if you have more insight on heaven, I would love to hear about, books, stories, proof--ha

Strong Humans Are We

It is interesting to me how the last 2.5 years have been the fastest years of my entire life...obviously because, so many large mountains have manifest themselves in our once, care free path.

I am actually blown away with how much the body can go through and still survive, yet how fragile it is and how quickly it can die. Ones soul can also take quite the beating. It is only when you are stripped of everything-you have nothing else to give, then you will find yourself and what you are truly made of--you also can find God too.

Going through the trauma of finding my precious child inside my washing machine almost dead--sorry I know its hard to read, but its what it is and I face it head on in order to one day jump through it all. And then all that comes with your child's death---I am too weak right now to go into details, and then fighting to find a reason to stay alive yourself. I truly have been to the depths of my rock bottom many times over- I hope, I thought Ollie's tragic death was all I could handle.

Nope.

Then I had the sweetest 2.5lb miracle. And that came along with so much will to persevere....man it was so so hard to fight through it day after day.

No wonder I am still tired?

Chris brought to my attention yesterday, that we need to give ourselves some credit for what we have been through......two super duper gigantic life changing events.

Yea, I already cried uncle with Ollie and threw in the towel.
Whats up with that God???
How can I be expected to do more when I am already finished....so I thought.
Seriously?

Well, I am living proof you are all stronger than you know. You really truly are. Don't ever doubt that. Have some faith in yourself--I telling myself this now. I sure had no idea I could live through all of this.....and I know the world is just getting more and more rotten, so I know there are more trials in store for me. I couldn't have done it without my hope and belief in our one true loving God. I know without a doubt He is aware of you and I, even though I often don't see it. I have had a lot of love shown to me and I believe it is all through the power of prayer and others being inspired to share their love.

THANK YOU
THANK YOU!

I fight with the powers of the universe to live on earth and to live happily and mightily until the breath is taken from my body.....

Here's to life, love and 2015!

//I do know that loving God and speaking of Him is not the so called cool thing to do these days but, I just can't help it.....God is all around us. And so is my sweet Ollie boy! Oh, and I am not trying to be cool.. haha

The world is grand, get our there and truly live!! 

2009 Basil, Switzerland--where my family is form.

Anger

So often in my broken heart, I feel as if things are more powerful than you or I.

The universe. The people. The animals. The plants. The events.

It must all be controlled by something larger, right? It just must be. There are so many events and miracles that just can not be explained by science--I am married to an analytical scientist, he likes concrete evidence.

Even if you do not believe in God, I think most would agree there is something bigger out there and many don't care to seek what's out there--I do. I don't claim to understand or know much about God, but I do feel of His presence in my everyday life. The last few days I have pleaded very hard to feel  Him....Sometimes it's so much work to feel Him.  I desperately need God and Jesus Christ in my life as I constantly fight to be a good mother and person. If I lose site of them, I quickly spiral downward into a nasty funk. My inner demon, who I hate, is showing itself more and more lately. Often, I wonder how I turned into this nasty angry person. I am so inpatient and mean. I never was this way before that pivotal moment in time when Ollie suddenly left my life.
I raise my voice in anger.
I never wanted to yell at anyone, let alone my precious children.
I get upset very quickly and easily.

It's not who I have ever been or wanted to be....I am pretty sure there was never a day I yelled at Ollie or even really got upset except for the day before he died...I yelled at him to stop screaming in the back seat....he was probably crying/screaming because he knew he would leave me the next day....our souls knew....I know we knew what was coming...
 
So, today I fight this demon and I will win only with the help of Jesus Christ by my side. I will pray for strength to concur the anger inside of me....yes, it will take lots of hard work, but I move forward.
I will see the beauty.

Lake Tahoe yesterday, 55 degrees....Sunny California

I will fill my body with positive thoughts.

I will be happy and not succumb to anger or bitterness.

I fight to live.

And I hope you will all fight to live too!

***

Some song lyrics I relate with......

" Ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to you, Ollie"  Marvin Gaye


“Get up, stand up: don’t give up the fight!” Bob Marley


“The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky” Louis Armstrong


Don’t stop believin’. Hold on to the feelin” Journey

Life, what is it anyway?

Why, as humans do we constantly try to figure out the meaning of life? I think we naturally want something more than this life can offer. We want to understand others, ourselves and God.

We want something deeper, more meaningful, and more fulfilled.

Why do we want to know heaven?

Since the Egyptians, humans have been sending prayers heavenward in hopes of learning something of that place. We have no pictures of heaven and no scientific evidence-I think our minds are not capable of expressing this beauty and pure happiness if we saw it.

A yoga pose you should practice.
Reaching heavenward.
Opening up your heart.

What is God?

I have been thinking about this. 

God is all knowing.

Lover of love.

Perfected.

He is the light.

He is the creator.

The Father.

Emanuel.

Elohim.

Shalom.
Jehovah.

I have been reading some things-just a few....I have found something I have never thought much about. 

For some reason it hit me today.

The purpose for Jesus Christ to come to earth was to remove our sins and walk with us in times of trial and allow us to be resurrected beings and live life eternal. 

Also, He came to teach us about the Father, so we could love him like he does. So we could one day be as he is. I think we can not obtain pure happiness and life eternal unless we are at a level of spirituality as the Father.

Spirituality is transformation.

meaning to life.

a stress reliever.

"In that sense Jesus did not come to improve God’s view of man nearly so much as He came to improve man’s view of God and to plead with them to love their Heavenly Father as He has always and will always love them. The plan of God, the power of God, the holiness of God, yes, even the anger and the judgment of God they had occasion to understand. But the love of God, the profound depth of His devotion to His children, they still did not fully know—until Christ came."

-Jeffery Holland

The world today and since the beginning of time was been in a fallen state. We must work everyday until we take our last breath to become better, more loving, more gentle, more patient.--Chris brought it to my attention, that some people are okay with not becoming better, they are content with themselves-- I am not one of those) We are all born with the light of Christ, but must fight against the natural man-who is an enemy to God.

I am getting all spiritual, I know. I can't help it. 

I think Ollie is at a level of spirituality I will not obtain in this life. 

His spirit is at a consciousness I long for.

the happiness.

the love.

the un-judging.

the all knowing.

the joy.

I can only dream of this happiness and try daily to achieve it.

//Remember, live everyday likes its your last//