Strong Humans Are We

It is interesting to me how the last 2.5 years have been the fastest years of my entire life...obviously because, so many large mountains have manifest themselves in our once, care free path.

I am actually blown away with how much the body can go through and still survive, yet how fragile it is and how quickly it can die. Ones soul can also take quite the beating. It is only when you are stripped of everything-you have nothing else to give, then you will find yourself and what you are truly made of--you also can find God too.

Going through the trauma of finding my precious child inside my washing machine almost dead--sorry I know its hard to read, but its what it is and I face it head on in order to one day jump through it all. And then all that comes with your child's death---I am too weak right now to go into details, and then fighting to find a reason to stay alive yourself. I truly have been to the depths of my rock bottom many times over- I hope, I thought Ollie's tragic death was all I could handle.

Nope.

Then I had the sweetest 2.5lb miracle. And that came along with so much will to persevere....man it was so so hard to fight through it day after day.

No wonder I am still tired?

Chris brought to my attention yesterday, that we need to give ourselves some credit for what we have been through......two super duper gigantic life changing events.

Yea, I already cried uncle with Ollie and threw in the towel.
Whats up with that God???
How can I be expected to do more when I am already finished....so I thought.
Seriously?

Well, I am living proof you are all stronger than you know. You really truly are. Don't ever doubt that. Have some faith in yourself--I telling myself this now. I sure had no idea I could live through all of this.....and I know the world is just getting more and more rotten, so I know there are more trials in store for me. I couldn't have done it without my hope and belief in our one true loving God. I know without a doubt He is aware of you and I, even though I often don't see it. I have had a lot of love shown to me and I believe it is all through the power of prayer and others being inspired to share their love.

THANK YOU
THANK YOU!

I fight with the powers of the universe to live on earth and to live happily and mightily until the breath is taken from my body.....

Here's to life, love and 2015!

//I do know that loving God and speaking of Him is not the so called cool thing to do these days but, I just can't help it.....God is all around us. And so is my sweet Ollie boy! Oh, and I am not trying to be cool.. haha

The world is grand, get our there and truly live!! 

2009 Basil, Switzerland--where my family is form.

Family Dynamics

Lately, I have been really having a hard time since moving, because Poppy has been pooping and peeing her pants several times a day and regressed to being a baby. She wants to be big, but I see in her wanting to still be a baby. She still needs her mommas attention. She has been through so much in her 2.5 years. I am constantly reminded to be patient with my precious child-she is grieving her brother too.

I lay awake in bed at night thinking of how different our life would be if Ollie were still living in it physically.  Poppy and Loxxley's would have been a perfect addition to our life we had with Ollie-pop.

In my church many people believe-as do I, that one day Chris and I will get to raise Ollie again from the age he was when he left this earth-2 years old. I long for this reunion.

But what about NOW.

What about all the memories we create together as a family here and now.
Someone is always missing. A feeling of unrest is always present at every family gathering and activity. I totally believe that I will see Ollie again and be his momma forever and also raise him and watch him grow-in the eternities, but I want him NOW. I just want my family to be complete-and it never will be here upon this earth.

Joseph Smith-A prophet of our church said: "More powerful to me are the thoughts of annihilation than death. If I have no expectation of seeing my loved ones again, my heart would burst in a moment, and I should go down to my grave. The expectation of seeing them in the mourning of the resurrection cheers my soul and makes me bear up against the evils of life. It is like their taking a long journey, and on their return we meet them with increased joy...."

So I look forward to my death and to the next chapter of my existence in the eternities with hope-if I have no hope my heart too would burst from sadness, but today I live each day as if it were my very last.

Really, Life is so Damn Precious. I can't bold this statement enough and damn doesn't even do justice for the power of how precious life is. Our God who gave us our breath may take it at any moment in time.

Live and live well my friends. Make today special and make today count! You never get this day to do over.

^^^^^^

"The only difference in the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light 

and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but do not mourn as those without hope." -Joseph Smith

Top loader

The kids and I decided to fly down to Vegas and see Chris while he is working--he's been down here for 2 weeks now.

Way.too.long.

We are in a condo and there isn't much to do. There isn't really anything near by, so I decided to clean up. I started to gather up all our clothes and then I proceeded over to the washer....I opened it up...suddenly my tummy got sick. I missed Ollie. It ALWAYS makes me think of my sweet little boy, Ollie. I don't like this association. 

I started to fill the washer with water. I just stared at the agitator. 

I couldn't move. 

How could Ollies entire body fit into that small space??? I just don't get it. 

How?? How?? How?? 

And 

Why?? Why?? Why??

I stared some more. This was the first time I had used a top loader since Ollie fell in. It brought me back to that horrible moment in time. 

The water began to fill. I kept hallucinating that I was going to see a body inside. I kept making sure Poppy was laying down watching cartoons. And I kept reminding myself Loxxley was asleep in the other room. 

I reached my hands in to see if there was enough water....then, once again my stomach hit the floor. I vividly remember putting my hands in the cloudy, cold water that day I found Ollie completely submerged.  When I put my hands in this time, this day 2 1/2 years later, I was instantly reminded of that horrible day, but today is not that day. I never want to go back to that day unless I can change things and save Ollie. 

Today I have two other children whom I am living for. Today I am going on, still breathing, still living. Today is a new day. Today I celebrate how far I have come since a mothers worst nightmare came true for me. Today I am stronger than I thought was humanly possible, just a bit braver, weaker in most areas, forever changed and still constantly grieving. 

Today I celebrate the love I have for my 3 precious children. 

I do, I do, I do believe in heaven!!!

Please buy a washing machine lock here

Serious fun!

My siblings and I went to the Halloween store! 

It was fun!

This is how fun! 

That cat head totally fits Poppy's little personality

>>>My older brother soberjedi! Yes he's single!<<<

But, it was also so evil and disgusting-in my opinion.
Yuck. So much blood.
 And dead people.
And coffins.
And skeltons.
((Why would I want to imagine my Ollie looking like skeleton in his coffin???))
And scary things....why is this fun?
I'm not sure I get what Halloween is even about, but I do like dressing up! 

Since sweet Ollie passing on, I am sooo much more sensitive to many things and on the other hand I am sooo much less compassionate. 

Cried a few times yesterday. 

Cried a few times today. 

Always missing Ollie, but holding onto Eternal Life! 

Forever. 

Never ending. 

Never saying goodbye.

Oh, I miss him......every single thing about him.....

Grief is still like the ocean. 

Very powerful, coming in in waves,

tremendous, gigantic powerful waves.

Taking you down like a  broekn vessel.
But at times, 
the stillness and the calmness
you feel can carry you to the sweet spot all alone where you find peace, and hope!

While Grieving

A few things that have helped me 'make it'

•Having another child-Poppy saved me. I probably would have killed myself if I weren't pregnant. As you can imagine, I wanted to go with Ollie-I wanted to make sure he was okay in heaven. I had a constant overwhelming feeling as if I had left Ollie somewhere and I wasn't sure where. The feeling is still there. Poppy helped me to see the light again and be a mother again. She needed me just as much as I needed her.

•Family and friends who believed in my strength. If it weren't for others believing I could get through this storm and horror, I would not have made it this far. The constant support, encouragement and prayers have carried Chris and I these last 2 unimaginable foggy years. Also, moving back in with my parents has been a huge blessing-sometimes we have to humble ourselves and take steps backwards in order to get our footings again and move forward. My parents have made us laugh, helped us pay off our medical bills, taken Loxxley all night long so we could have a night of uninterrupted sleep, watched the kids so we could ride in the fresh air on our motor cycle and most importantly offered us hope. 

•Other grieving mothers who have experienced the loss of a child. I have met some pretty courageous woman who have had to unwillingly give their child back to our God. These woman are all unique and have offered many different pieces for the healing of my tender, broken heart. When Ollie first transitioned into heaven, I would text a mother who had just lost her 2 year old.  We would text all day long for months. It was very healing for both of us. And only a mother who has lost a child can truly understand this intense loss. 

•Having a miracle preemie-When I was pregnant with Loxxley I was at a horrible place in my grieving path. I would weep and wail on my knees and cry for a good portion of the day. I didn't get dressed, brush my teeth or have any drive. I was a good momma to Poppy, but I was beyond sad-beyond repair. Then my water broke and I had to be on strict bed rest for 7 weeks. All my attention suddenly shifted from Ollie and Poppy to keeping  Loxxley safe in my tummy. I worked so hard and needed to save this child since I couldn't save my Ollie. I wouldn't even let myself cry during these 7 weeks. I just couldn't go there, I wanted so badly to, but I knew it would take me deep down and Loxxley was also feeling ever heartache. I pulled myself together and knew I could cry once Loxxley was born, but not until then. I actually cried for a few moments and quickly pushed it out.  Then, when Loxxley was born and in the NICU for 3 months I had to again dedicate myself to his needs  all.day.long. Now, 11 months later, I am still focusing most of my time on Loxxley. Poppy is getting more love too. It is what it is. Life is not perfect by any means, but we are making it and just now Loxxley is becoming less demanding!! 

•Cyberspace love- seriously a blessing in my life to receive love and prayers from complete strangers. It's very touching to know people are praying for our family and  we have never met. Some of the sweetest and most thoughtful people are in my cyberspace-maybe none of you are real, but none the less you have lifted me. Haha.  I hope to be a blessing one day in others lives when they are going through unimaginable trials. Thank you, thank you. 

*Family Time*

My parents took us to Disneyland! Thank you mom and dad for an amazing trip, these are the moments that are cherished. It was so nice to be together and let them all love on Poppy. We had a great time at the ocean. The sky and water were a beautiful "Ollie blue". Poppy loved everything and was pretty pleasant most of the time.

Every time I see water of any sort (we were all at the ocean and the waves were really big), I think to myself, "Ollie drowned, really he did? how awful, my heart hurts for his suffering and my suffering" I get nervous and anxious about others playing in the water. I couldn't imagine seeing another person drowned in water. The trauma is too much....I know this will always be a small fear of mine, but I think I am doing pretty well to even play in it with Pops.

I missed Ollie so much. Chris and I just couldn't believe he wasn't with us. The whole family missed him. We cried. He has been gone for over a year. We miss his little face, hands, smile, giggle, hair, lips, and toes...Oh my momma heart hurts. He would have been the perfect age for disneyland. Our friends that have a son just a few months younger than Ollie were there, it broke my heart to see there son and think how much Ollie would have enjoyed every minute. I wonder what words he would be saying? how tall he would be? I can see him giggling now. It warms my heart. He would love his sister so much. I am so thankful Ollie was in my life for 2 short, but oh so precious years. My life changed for the better the day I became a mom. I now know the deep love my mother has for me. Everlasting and undying.

Why are we hear on this earth?

What is it all about?
I wont even attempt to figure it out, but I do think about it often.

People live and people die, we know this from the moment we arrive on the earth. But we are suppose to die when we are older....darn Ollies short life.

Everyday I try to be grateful for all of my blessings. I dont have my son here, but I do have so much. I am so so blessed.

I don't think anyone is in our life by coincidence, the person at the grocery store or the person at the bank...

BE KIND, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE.

Grizzly Grandpa

Tinker-Who

Standing on her own at Disneyland! My mom made her cute outfits.

Pops couldnt decide on just one stuffed animal from grams.

The new cars ride..zoom zoom

The crew at the ocean

I love Minnie mouse, I always have ever since I was a little gal. My soon to be sister Jessie (i hope), my sister Sami and my mom Sheri.

We wore our Ollie shirts, everyone looked at them, a few people commented.

Sweet shot mom.

Next to Newport Beach

The guys loved playing in the waves!

The water was so cold, she didnt really like it.

My Momma!

My mom was able to spend almost 3 weeks with us...it was so much fun. 

She made us all laugh. We sure love her. XO

First Time in the Castle

Just looking through Ollies folder of pictures...I love these ones because they were some of the last, and his face is precious.
Ollie-This was your first time in the castle at your grammy and gramps house. They were so excited to finally have a grand-child to use the castle. Your grandpa made it for your favorite uncle Zac. I am so sad you didn't get to play in it more, but I am thankful I have these adorable pictures of you.  

Sweet little face, oh I miss him