Easter

This is the best time of the year to celebrate Jesus Christ and what he did for the world. It really is hard to understand and fathom what He really went through. Since I have a son who has passed on from this mortal life, I now look at life and Easter so differently. I never fully understood the ATONEMENT, Christs death and resurrection like I do now.  Christ literally carried me through my grief and I have said this many times before but He broke the bands of time and space so He physically is walking with me (and You) through my pain. I believe there is always heavenly help when we are going through something so dark----that really is the only way we can see the light.  Christ also rose from the dead and I know my sweet Ollie will one day in due time! Hurry up.

It has been 4 years.

Goodness.

My heart.

I catch myslef forgetting my past life.......with time, the memories fade, but the love never fades. Love is never ending and that I am thankful for. I just feel in my mamma heart that Ollie still loves me just the same as when he was alive. Love is something that will never die because it is an energy and we are all an energy. And energy is neither created or destroyed---science says so. So its true.

Time keeps on moving. The moment after Ollie took his last breath, I wanted time to stop. I wanted to yell to everyone that my precious son had just died. A life was taken from this earth. But many seemed to not even notice. Many seemed to still laugh, joke and carry on.

The more I live, I realize that everyone on earth is only in their personal shoes, we really don't know what anyone else is experiencing at that exact moment in time. No two situations are alike. I do believe we can help carry someone along and offer support in those dark days even if we truly have no idea what it feels like. And those people who have never experienced the loss of a child and still reach out to me. WOW. Can I just say, you are true angels on earth. Thank you Thank you!

So, people often ask me how I get through this extreme loss?

Well, to tell you the truth, I really don't feel like there is any other option for me. Some might feel they have options. But with what I know and feel and am, I only see it one way. To seek the light, seek hope, seek God, seek faith, seek goodness, seek happiness etc. Of course I lack hope at times but in general it has never fully left---the moment I was born it was in me. 

Honestly, EVERY HUMAN on earth is born with the light of Christ--the Holy Ghost, the comforter, our conscience our inner guide.

By our choices or sometimes others, we often lose this light and it dims through out our life if we don't constantly feed it. Seek that which is seeking you---the light.


****

Sometimes I want to not think about deep things, but having a son in a place I don't know is rather exhausting. I fight daily to know, to see, to experience what he is.

One day Ollie will rise from his grave, I believe it will be on the morning of the first resurrection after Jesus Christ himself has again returned to the earth. I believe this really took place on earth and that Christ rose from the dead and Ollie will too!

Seek the light

Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We had a very quiet and simple Christmas, which allowed us to reflect on the important things of this life and the true reason for us celebrating CHRISTmas. 

Since Ollie died, life has more meaning--more depth. Every holiday, every birthday and every living moment is far more special because I know first hand how a memory can be a final one.

And how a breath can also be the last.

Ollie changed the course of my life forever, obviously. 

Poppy giving food and money to Debbie--a sweet 62 year old woman without an eye, who lives in a tent.

 He opened my eyes to the beautiful meaning of life, he opened me up to feel 

broken,

love,

crushed, 

lonely,

peace,

trauma,

hope,

terror,

faith,

devastation

and many other polar opposite feelings that remind me, I am still alive and breathing--and for that I am thankful. Most of these feelings I had never experienced at such a deep level. When Adam and Eve fell in the garden, it brought about opposition in all things. It brought about sorrow and joy, pleasure and pain, sickness and health. When I first experienced these terrible feelings of grief and hopelessness, I was so thankful when I could feel any bit of happiness--even though it was underlined with an awful feeling.  I kind of think grief may always be like this, an underlying feeling of longing or heaviness. As for me, 3.5 years after Ollie's death, I am still feeling the heaviness and loneliness of his physical presence. Life will never be the same, ever.  I am thankful to Ollie and Heavenly Father for allowing me to love even deeper than I ever thought possible. My love, faith and hope have all increased, due to my personal pleads of soul searching.

My sweet parents and brother always decorate Ollies spot with luminaries and sing silent night on Christmas eve....such a special tribute

***

Today in church I bore a testimony that I know God (Heavenly Father) is the master engineer of this life. He knows what works, what doesn't and what is truly best--just like I do for my children. I am thankful Jesus Christ has not left me comfortless during my times of shear devastation and horror. The dark has lifted a tad and I am beginning to see some light--that doesn't mean the pain has left, but I do see hope in something greater in the life to come. I have an immovable testimony of this.

I can't help but thank all my sincere friends through-out the world who have continued to pray for our family and have done so many sweet act of kindness. You have truly carried our burdens that they may be light and walked with those that mourn.

 Mosiah 18:8-10 (Book of Mormon--translated by Joseph Smith--the most correct book here upon the face of the earth--I believe this with all my heart)

 8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

 10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

And now I go forward with faith in the one true God, to serve my fellow men, that their burdens might be light!!!

Happy Sabbath Day!

***

What gives your life more depth?

***
Click Here to read more about why the fall of Adam and Eve is a blessing to all.

Leading Me?

Is it possible for your child to lead you?

I believe so.

Because Poppy does this so often for me.

She is just so darn precious and is enlightened daily.

I find myself yelling or getting way too dang upset.

Then she calms me down and puts her hands on my face, strokes my hair, or kisses me a lot.

She is so in tune with her mother getting too upset that she can see when I need comfort.

Amazing.

Just the other day she told me that she really didn't want to grow up that fast. 

She just wanted to stay small.

I think I have been hard on her because I have been hard on myself.

 I am mad at the situation I can not fix---Ollie's death if you don't already know, is the big elephant in the room.

Our circumstances have made her grow up way too fast---poor little girl. 

and frankly I don't really remember details about the last 2 years.

I feel bad but I do know I showed her so much love. 

And she knows how much we love her!! 

Grief.

It just makes life so interesting and confusing.

I believe Ollie is also guiding me from heaven above. I am following his light, his strength and his example. Because of his death, I am a stronger more faith driven mom. I want to be like him--as I know he is perfected and flying free. 

One day I will unite with my sweet Ollie and hold until forever.

Can't wait.

^^^^^

Btw, did I mention it is still so weird and unbelievable that Ollie really died.

I will never believe it.
My sweet sweet little love.

My head just can't seem to understand.

Is this because my spirit knows he is still very close?

He is still just as much here as when he had his body---my eyes are just closed to his spirit.

The veil is thin, but oh so thick.

Special moments with our ANGEL

Yesterday Chris and Poppy took our beautiful new Alaskan Malamute on a walk in the mountains behind our house. They all had some great bonding time while Loxxley and I played at home. Chris sent me this treasured video of Poppy, talking about her drawing in the dirt being Ollie's spirit and she wants to remember him. And also about the moments before she was born, Ollie was with her and he was at the gates.

As I was giving birth to Poppy, 1 month after Ollie went to heaven, Chris and I both envisioned that same thing at the exact same moment in time. As Poppy was descending down the birth canal and into what we call earth, Ollie was in heaven holding her hand and letting her be with us....they held hands until the very last moment. Chris and I both had this vision and talked about it after her birth.....no coincidences here.

What?

How could Poppy know this about Ollie and the gates?
She would only know what we all experienced, if it really happened...Chris and I have never mentioned this story to her.

This story was so precious to Chris and I and is just another testament that Ollie is alive and lives on--because sometimes it is just so hard to have this faith when I can not physically hold or see my 2 year old child.....

Poppy and Ollie communicate, I know they do.

He is still in our every day lives and we know he watches over us.

I often hear Poppy giggling in her room and of course I have to go in and see what she's doing. She is usually dancing and looking in the mirror while she twirls and giggles loudly. The same day as the 'Ollie's spirit in the dirt day', Poppy said that she dances with Ollie and he twirls her around!!!

Oh how happy this makes me, I just had to share all of this.

 My heart feels so much love for their relationship that they still have. I have been trying to be very aware of Ollie being near to us, because I  know he is.  I want to be in tune with his presence.

***

 Before Ollie passed on to the next faze of eternity, I believed in coincidences. Now, I believe only in divine intervention. I believe that GOD is the master engineer and for life to run accordingly, the very finest details are worked out. Even the EXACT moment we will take our last breath or our first. Everything really does happen for a reason at the exact moment it was supposed to.  If it were meant for Ollie to survive, he would have. Yes, it was a horrific accident, and if it were meant for me to be inspired as a mother, I would have found him sooner and been able to revive him---not the case, so I do believe our days are numbered here upon this earth and who was meant to live shall live.

***

What is living anyway?

Some people go through this life half dead...they truly are walking dead.

Are you walking dead through the motions of this life, or are you truly living?

Ollie is living, he is alive in our home and in the heavens, thanks to the one and only JESUS CHRIST.

GET OUT AND LIVE.

You are stonger than you thought

My two boys!

Both boys are the same age here!

I love dressing Loxxley in Ollie's clothes.

All day yesterday I felt like Loxx was really Ollie- I kept doing a double take to see if it was really OLLIE! 

It was this weird feeling-but very neat too.

The truth is, Ollie lives on in my children. 

I see him and feel him through them.

I still keep Ollies clothes in the dresser and in the closet-he is still a member of our daily life.  

Might sound crazy to you.

But for me it's healing and just perfect.

  I often put his underwear or the unwashed clothing on my face and take a deep breathe in, crying quickly before Poppy comes in needing something, as I think of his soul and ask him to be near--I never let anyone see me doing this...ha ha, might look pretty weird. 

 Can you picture it now? 

Undies on my head as I'm sniffing them?

***

Grieving the death of a child is intense.

it's unnatural.

it's unfair.

 and it hurts.

We don't have any guidelines for this pain.

and nothing could ever prepare us for this catastrophic event.

Do what brings healing into your life.

Do what feels right to you individually.

Acknowledge the pain, the sorrow, the loss.

Turn directly to it, embrace it with open arms and jump over it.

This is where you will find the most healing.


YOU ARE SO MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE

//What crazy things do you do to help you heal// 

***

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die." 

Left Behind???

That shear panic sets in as you thought you left your child behind at the grocery store.

Have you ever experienced this?

I'm sure you all have had some taste of this panic?

Now times that by 90.

Let me tell you, it's INTENSE.

Horror.

Worry.

Distress.

Shock.

Disbelief.

Panic.

Helplessness.

Yep, that's exactly what grief feels like every--stinkin--single--day--but it does change through out the day and through out the years. Some days it is this intense, but hopefully not every waking minute.

Your broken heart aches constantly and you feel anxiety to the core of your being, because something is wrong and you just can't seem to ever fix it.

As mothers, we like to fix things. 

RIGHT?

 Especially with our sweet children.

 I remember walking out of that cold hospital after we unwillingly took Ollie off life support, and not knowing what to do next. I felt oh so helpless and scared. I didn't want this for my life and wanted it to be fixed right away.

There is no fixing of this heavy burden called,  grief.

It will be carried on your heart and in your life always and forever until you take your last breath.

Makes me pretty depressed actually to think about this.

How is one expected to live with the  feeling of a rat chewing on your insides, or the feeling of bricks placed upon your chest not allowing for a full breathe in? 

and you just have to deal with it?

It's nearly impossible.

and you almost die yourself because of it.

It creeps up at every holiday-as today is Halloween, at birthday celebrations and every family party.

Not much helps.

Time heals, I guess.

or do the memories just fade?

Its rather sad if you ask me.

^^^^^^^^^^

One thing I hold onto with an iron fist and I will never let go of, is the fact of seeing Ollie again one day. And I do know he is always a prayer away. I try to be in-tune so I may feel him daily!

Grief just molds you into something new.

I am a new human because of GRIEF.
And hope to one day be a beautiful piece of work before my death.

PLEASE SHARE YOUR DESCRIPTIONS OF GRIEF OR LOSS

What Do You Seek?

I think the world has always ebbed and flowed in light and darkness since time began. I feel like the light is slowing fading off the earth in so many ways, but I also feel like the earth is burning with this beautiful light.

I choose to seek out the LIGHT!!!!

I am not sure why I talk about this LIGHT so much....

Actually I do know.

Ollie is there!!!

I seek this light he now sees, experiences, and exists in.

Have you ever read the book, HEAVEN IS FOR REAL?  It's about a 6 years olds experience visiting heaven, and its for real! Everyone should read this book, young and old.

>>>>>

Children are so in tune to life. Late last night we drove past Ollie's spot, we randomly decided to stop. It was dark outside--I had never been to his spot in the dark. It was more beautiful that I thought to see all the burial spots lit up with different colored lights. Chris and I told both of our kids to kiss Ollie's picture-as they always do. I started to cry and tell them how much I miss their big brother. Poppy climb on my lap, gave me a big kiss and said, "Mom, we will see him again"

It was so perfect and meant so much to me at that moment. How did she know to comfort me in this way???

Poppy often comforts me, her mom. SIMPLY AMAZING.

>>>>>

So, speaking of light, I can't tell you how much happier and how much healing has come since I have tried to find this light within myself. We are all born with this light. Last June, I decided I needed to  heal myself and I needed some intense work in order to care for my young children.

I have since done so many things that have helped and I would like to share them for future grievers or people dealing with anxiety or dperession.

• I started an intense yoga teacher training--I had to dig deep and let my emotions release, it has been very healing to not run away from my crazy emotions.
• I ordered a Bach mixture made just for my grief, anger, nightmares, depression, fear and anxiety. It really helped my overall out look on life.
• I moved to the sunshine. The sun is where I have found so much relief from my stresses.
• I have tried to hang onto my hope and faith in seeing Ollie and use it as motivation to help others.
• I connected with other mommas who had lost a child--so much healing has come from me reaching out and them reaching back--it heals the heart to connect in this way.
•  I tried to forget my self--which in turns heals myself by giving love to others who need just a bit more love and kindness.
• I try to be thankful for what I DO HAVE, not what I don't have--its just too intense.

"We are all broken, that's how the light gets in" -Ernest Hemingway

Go find your light and share it!!!!

XOXO

The light

Today I was driving in the car listening to the music really loud, which I hardly ever do, but today I just needed to yell out the song and let some steam off. After the song was over I was thinking back to right after Ollie died---as I do daily.  It seemed as if I had been encapsulated in a power of light.  I couldn't even begin to think about talking negatively about anyone, listen to loud music that did't sound like angels singing, swear or watch any violence on the TV.  It seemed as if I was only seeking positive things and this pure light. I wanted only happy things to surround me. It was pretty blissful even though I felt and still feel this deep heartbreaking pain.

Now.....

that spirit of extreme goodness is slowly leaving me. I am not saying I'm now bad, but the pureness that was felt and carried along with me is fading a bit and I don't like it.  

I think, when others hear about a child tragically passing on, they tend to pray constantly for that family---those prayers are felt and surround the family.  Chris and I literally felt those prayers....there are not even words to describe the power, but we were physically carried by many angels--here on earth and angels not of this world.

Simply Amazing..... 

I loved all those feelings of blissfulness, I really do, but I do believe that is not of this world. I did get a sweet taste of heaven and the eternities and I can't wait for those days again when I transfer to the heavens to be with my children and family! 

^^^^^^

So, lets be honest......our society is so confused. I get confused too, as to what is right and wrong. I feel as if people are denying the very thought of heaven, God, eternities, faith, hope, love, self respect, the belief in angels, eternal life, families, and themselves.....they seem to be turning to what is cool or socially acceptable at that moment. 

EMOTION IS LOST.

I have felt this burning inside of my body to share my strong conviction of HEAVEN, GOD, and ETERNITY.....It is all for real and my son lives there. I can't help but seek a place I long to go and reside with my son.

Have you ever asked if these things are really true on your knees with a pure heart????

I have.

And they burn with in my entire body.  

I seek that perfect light my son is resinating.

I seek heaven, that place I will enter someday soon.

I seek God and Jesus Christ, the masters of the Universe.

and you should too.

We can seek all theses things and still, we are all imperfect......Since time began, man has seeked the heavens.

My peanuts bring me into the light!

That dang washer

Did you know I hate that stupid machine??? It makes me made every time I even look at it. I am still aboard that crazy roller coaster, experiencing bad and good days......the bad, crying moments only last a few minutes luckily. If you did happen to see me around town, you would proabably say I appear to be happy. I am happy, but there are times through out the day where I just sit and hate almost EVERYTHING....except my family, friends, and children! I get very depressed and have anger settle over my entire body.....This feeling is quickly removed from me the moment Poppy or tiny--aka. Loxxley, crawl on me and kiss me!!

^^^^^

Last night my sweet mom was washing the sheets because my sister had just gone home and Chris and I wanted to move into the bigger room. The sheets had been washing for a while now and I went to take them out and put them into the dryer. As I opened the lid the exact same picture overtook my mind----when I found sweet Ollie.

AAWWWW....YUCK...it really hurts my lungs, my back, my heart, my brain, and every inch of my body to think about that horrific moment finding my Ollie boy--the moment that significantly changed my life forever here on earth and in the eternities.

As I starred looking at the sheets, in that cold ugly washing machine--exactly what I was washing the day Ollie fell in.

I know, I too feel the intense pressure in my chest. Right now I almost can't breathe. Sometimes it doesn't affect me like this...other times I can barely say the words.

I seriously imagined Ollie in there....I almost put my hands in to feel him. My mind thought I was back at that exact awful moment. Thank goodness I don't ever have to find Ollie dead again---it sounds so weird and it really trips my mind out--this grief thing. this death thing. this burying your child thing....it's all awful and it's all hard to comprehend and accept.

I slammed the washer lid and ran up stairs to tell my mom the washer had gotten stuck on the first cycle with a full load of water.

I was angry at that stupid thing that took Ollie's life----I have to remind myself that we all will die one day and I can't really think of a perfect way for Ollie to have died other than peacefully in his sleep. I really think that there is an angel of death that peacefully removes all pain the moment we die....

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Or does this just bring peace to my soul?


I find my HOPE today in one day seeing sweet Ollie again. I find hope in knowing he is in the other room and very close to me.  He is aware. He lives on. He is real. He was and is my son.

Live in the moment before it passes.....say your sorry first. Love more, hug more and be kinder!!

^^^^^

I often find myself wondering why Ollie had to die in such a freaky, horrific way? I have never heard of this happening to another person. Who could have ever imagined this? Surely not me. He was too big and way too smart. I don't even know how he physically fit in there...once again, makes my stomach turn thinking about it.  I honestly think--call me crazy, but I think that by Ollie dying in this manner allowed more lives to be touched. This is all I can seem to come up with. It was such a shocking way that seemed to reach millions. Every person I randomly tell about the accident has already heard about it on the news. I know for certain Ollie has reached many, just like the random guy who said he has a special connection with Ollie and Ollie is his guardian angel. Wow. Pretty cool!


^^^^^

JOHN 4
 14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

Casket Pics

Sometimes I find myself thinking I am stronger than I really am.

I am staying at my parents house for a few months and for a while now, I have wanted to see the pictures of Ollie in his casket.

Not sure why I feel this strong desire?

So,  my mom found the pictures hidden on her computer and pulled them up for me, very slowly.

I prepared myself as we looked at the pictures of the displays we had put up to remember all of Ollie's favorite things.

Then, came the top of his head in the casket, I saw his sweet blonde hair groomed ever so nice.

I softly began to let out a cry.

Then the next picture,

Ollie's sweet face......this is where I began to sob.

The tears came flooding down my face.

I quickly turned my head and sobbed.

I had to tell my mom, I couldn't handle this like I thought.

I just could not handle the look of death and remembering his body all frozen in time.

My sweet Ollie.

His precious body laid to rest.

Sometimes I am weak....and that is understandable, I suppose.

Here's to the eternities.....and Ollie living on in my every breath.


^^^^^^


Revelations 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Happy

That last picture and post was a lot....it was HEAVY-I know....but needed. For me, and for you all.  I have always been someone who seeks self improvment daily---I do understand some do not wish to change or do better...I think it's ignorant, but that's just my thoughts.

So much love came out of the last post. THANK YOU! I feel your love. And I love you all deeply.

I needed to see something HAPPY now on my blog.....

Ollie, my little gentle peanut, who loved pretzels just like his daddy and other siblings. Keep inspiring us all to be better and kinder. Help us to live a better life because we knew you and your love for all things. Your sweetest was too pure and too lovely for this earth. Rest my child until I hold you again. Please stay near your family and those who love you. And keep being the best guardian a momma could ask for!

^^^^^^^^^

The biggest thing I have learned form grief is to keep living. I have to keep going. I have to keep breathing, serving and loving......and fighting.

Need some hope, click the link...
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/doors-of-death?lang=eng

too uncomfortable?

((FYI: I am a grieving mom who expresses myself openly and freely. This does not mean I need counseling or that I'm not doing ok. And this is not an exact story that took place--it's how I feel inside. And it's healthy to express this))

You avoid me because its just too uncomfortable???

Death, dying, drowning....
 
You have never talked about my son since the day he died.

We just carried on like nothing had happened while you talked about the color you wanted to paint you kitchen...not one mention about Ollie's accident---the giant elephant in the room, or so I thought.

Never even once asked how I am really doing.

It's just too damn awkward and uncomfortable....so you avoid it ALL together.

Are you kidding me?

Too uncomfortable for you, how could this be? You should have seen how uncomfortable it was to find your precious child almost dead?

You didn't find you child lifeless in that cursed washing machine or have to yank his fragile body out of it--I sure hope no one every experiences this heart crushing pain.

Did you wail while your child was blue, cold and lifeless as doctors tried with all their power to save your precious son?

Nope. You didn't.

Boy, was all that uncomfortable and unwanted.

Have you ever felt this immense pain while your child gasped for 6 long hours while he slowly took his last breathes in your arms---as you wept to the heavens?

Oh, its just too UNCOMFORTABLE. I see.

And still you don't even mention this horrific elephant that is all encompassing and debilitating.

And when you saw me you didn't just wrapped your arms around me and hold me up from falling from exhaustion---you barley said a hello because it was just too damn awkward.

wow, I mourn in my disbelief at the disconnection.

I thought you could see and feel my pain?

Nope you couldn't.

I just don't understand your lack of showing concern.....

I do pardon you though...you just must not fully understand the loss of a child--and I hope you NEVER do.

^^^^^

I seriously am in aw at how detached we are from our spirits. I can not believe we don't just hug each other all the time. We are all going through so much in this life. Many of us are just way.too.stiff. and closed off.

I get it. You are just not used to touch, hugging, and opening up your heart......that can change. We all need more love...especially after holding your child as they die. Grieving is so intense, I thought my body would fall apart and cease to function. and still, not many hugs were offered.

How is this possible?

I can guarantee there are so many people out there that just need a gigantic hug. Get outside of your comfort zone, your bubble, your shell and give a much needed hug! Do it!

Go HUG someone!

(((And this is why I feel compelled to reach out and hug my grieving mothers as I hear of their horrible tragedy.))))

>>>>>MAY WE ALL CONNECT AT A DEEPER LEVEL TODAY.
>>>>>>>>and a giant shout out to a select few who have grabbed me and held me up as I cried in your arms...and all my cyber friends and family who wish to hug me but can't. I love you all!!

HEART

How do you repair a broken heart?

Where do you begin?

Do you start picking up the tiny, shattered pieces?

Is it even really possible to mend?

Will it ever be the same heart again?

Please share!

I experienced such pain the moment I found Ollie dead that I thought I might die too. It was more horrific than I have words to describe.  From others who have experienced such loss---this is totally normal. I can tell you it really really sucks and is awful but, you can survive through this pain.

Here is a link to an actual cause of death---A Broken Heart
http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp

INWARD

Some days are harder than others---just like everyone's own life. 

The reality that my sweet little Ollie will not ever be here upon this earth until the morning of the first resurrection, hits me like a brick to the gut. 

I get so woozy just accepting this FACT of my new life. 

I really don't like it at all---but there is not.one.single.thing I can do to change it.  That really sucks....we can never go back and change things to be how we want. Sometimes I just can't accept that Ollie really died before my eyes, he took his last fighting breath while in his mom and dads arms, we really buried his precious 34 inch body( I only know how long he was because we had to fit him for his casket----awww how horrible) and he is no longer physically at our home. People often tell me that he is with me, but I don't see him or feel him very often, I have only dreamt of him once in 3.5 years--it's jut a constant fight to see the hope. Little things have shown me he is near and I do get tender mercies but seriously that is not enough. 

Faith is damn hard. 

Can I say that again? 

FAITH IS DAMN HARD especially after the most trying event---your child passing on from this earth and in a horrible, disgusting, traumatic way. 

It really is quite torturous and life long. 

As long as I am breathing I will forever miss my Ollie boy and there will forever be a whole in my delicate, but oh so resilient heart.

This past year has been more healing than I could have imagined as I focus inward and on healing myself. The pain is still very real and present in my body but, I have learned what works for me to bring me joy while still experiencing the pain.  

It is often a minute to minute struggle. 

One must really dig to the core of their soul, the core of their being. One must look inward and find that peace. It is there. It might be hardly noticeable, but you will find it. 

I have been meditating and practicing  yoga to help with my intense PTSD. I have learned to use yoga/prayer/meditation as a way to function in my daily life. It gives me the peace as I face challenging times. It's a way to quite the mind and see God inside of you---the light is glowing within. When I am quite I have felt Ollie so near. I have felt the pain so intensely inside of my heart that I thought it might burst out of my body, as I lay and sob with grief and then I feel the peace. It does come, but only after the shear devastation and agony. 

I know the peace, the joy, and the happiness will be experienced one day when I hold Ollie again. I know the dawn will come and the son/sun will rise again. I believe with all my broken heart that Jesus Christ has made it possible for all of us to live again. 

Body and soul reunited!

 I can't wait to witness this miracle and run to my precious Ollie.

My new favorite quote which I believe to be true.

Take a deep look inward---see what you can find.  Just sit and be. What you seek will seek you!

BTW I sure love my two living children.....

NAMASTE!!