Rainbow baby turns 2....

Miss Poppy

Our rainbow baby after the storm,

our sunshine,

our reason to live.

How could we not have a rainbow party for our little gal.

I felt this was a very significant birthday because as you can probably guess, Ollie never made it to 2 years old.

So, we had to celebrate that Poppy hit this milestone.

I planned it the day before-thats how we roll these days.

 

Poppy Kai Hebb

Rainbow babies

Some pictures that heal my shattered heart and bring light to my all consuming darkness...enjoy!! 

Poppy 23 months 

Loxxley 4 months

Best uncle award...lol. Poppy followed him around for hours dressed up. 

Poppy Time

Little miss Poppy girl gets cuter and cuter. 

Poor thing has been affected by all this momma being gone business. 

She wouldn't leave my side the day I got home from the hospital. 

Oh my goodness, it was so nice to hold her after 5 weeks. pure joy! 

 She has done so well through all of this and has only lashed out at her grandmas because she wants all of my undivided attention. And I don't blame her.

 She has gone from 24/7 momma time to about 3 mins. of momma hospital time and now a pumping NICU momma-which equates to not much extra time at all.

I sure try to really listen and give her my complete attention, but I could do better. 

I sure love her and need her in my life. 
She is our little Honey Badger!

She is now 19 months old, independent as ever and smart as
 a whip!

Poppy loves:

going outside any time of day or night

playing daddy's organ

holding, rocking and singing to EVERY baby doll-of course she already cant get enough of her baby brother

going for rides in the bike trailer

morning walks with her funny daddy

displaying her puppets on her arms-they are really leg warmers

and

wearing sunglasses

Miss Poppy

One of my reasons to live and wake up each morning......

Poppy Kai Hebb

18 months old

awful flash backs

I just came from upstairs where I was every so tenderly rocking my sweet-but feisty, baby girl. As she was drifting off, her eyes started to roll back and forth in her head. I didn't like watching this because it instantly took me back to Ollie lying on the hospital bed. So I rubbed Poppy's head and she looked up at me ever so sweetly. Thank goodness!! I still get worried when she is drifting off to sleep, that she is drifting off to her death. Its a weird feeling and very hard to explain, but the panic floods my body instantly. Even when I see pictures of children sleeping, I instantly think they are dead. I panic for just a moment. (I still have nightmares quite frequently about grabbing Ollie out of the washer-Awwww. It keeps me awake for hours. Not sure what to do about this. I know for sure I have PTSD-post traumatic stress disorder. Seriously such an awful thing to live with. I think my dreams stem from my panic and anxiety I feel through out the day)

Poppy's pretty blues eyes took me back to the day of Ollie's accident when he was hooked up to all the tubes lying lifeless on that cold bed. I remember pleading for him to wake up. I wanted his eyes to just focus on his momma and stay open, just for a minute. Just one look. I wanted to connect with him again. I wanted to see those beautiful blue eyes. I wanted everything to be okay. His eyes just kept fluttering. It was tormenting. Why couldnt he just wake up and come back to his family who loves him dearly? Why couldn't a miracle have happened? Even after losing Ollie, I still believe in miracles, we just didn't get our miracle we had hoped for.

I wonder if during that "transition time", he was fighting to come back to earth?  Was he pleading and bargaining like we were doing down here? I bet he knew everything would be alright, we just didn't and still don't.
I am told that the hearing is the last thing to go when passing away. Who knows in a drowning situation, but I'd like to think that, because I whispered sweet words to my precious Ollie boy. Sweet last words.

****

What would your last words be to someone you love????


Speaking of drowning....My mother in law called yesterday and told me she is reading this book called "Please don't let my baby die". The author, a woman who lost her 16 month old to a drowning accident in their home hot-tub, asked a doctor after wondering for many years, if her  son suffered?  I wonder this all the time too. How awful as a parent to think that your child suffered. This doctors told her that in a drowning accident the person usually blacks out and then the heart stops. So there is no suffering involved. Again who knows? I have never drowned, but it does bring me some comfort to know that you black out and I think when you black out your body is actually flooded with endorphins. I don't know anything for certain, but one thing I feel so deeply within my momma heart is that the morning of the accident Ollie was lying on the floor singing and being sombre as he was staring out the window. I still think he was looking at the angels surrounding the house that were waiting to take him home. I sure hope there is really the angels of death. The morning after Ollies accident I felt this to be true with all my heart. I believe in angels too and have felt them surrounding my home since Ollie passed away.

***I never like to leave anyone with nasty, negative thoughts...
This will make you smile.

My mom put curlers in her hair for the first time, so cute!

This is Poppy peeking out the window.

Miss Honey-badger

These are pictures of me

.Always with us.

I haven't even looked at my blog since my last entry.

 A month ago.

So much has happened. 

I have been pretty down since Ollie's birthday. The sun is shining here in Oregon and I am still sad.

I have felt pretty blah. 

I am hurting oh so badly-not as badly as the day I found my precious child lifeless, but still aching none the less. I try to cover it up sometimes when I go out, its pretty much impossible to do and I find myself breaking down quite frequently. 

It feels good to release the pain from my heavy heart, but after the crying my heart still aches.

 *****

My parents were happily watching Poppy while Chris and I went on a camping trip around the Big Island.

Of course we thought of Ollie (and Poppy) the entire time. 

It actually hurt so badly to be away from Poppy for 9 whole days-way-too-long. 

Some pictures I received from my family while in Hawaii.

Who wouldn't miss this face?

        **************************************

When I was in Utah picking up Poppy I hung out with Angie, Quincy's momma. 

It was nice to hug, talk and relate as two grieving but strong mothers.

 Our little kids got to play .

I wonder if their spirits communicated about their deceased siblings?

Poppy and Ryder. 

Our Rainbow Babies. Friends Forever

**I visited Quincy's spot. Her mom takes such good care of it. Her dolls  and beautiful flowers line the headstone.   

********************************

I also visited Ollies spot. 

I actually tried to drive a diferent direction so I could avoid the cemetery cause I knew if I saw it, I would have stop. 

How could I pass the cemetery and not stop? 

But who wants to visit this place?

Not me.

So I stopped. Alone. 

I walked up to Ollies spot.

Not a sole around.

Quite.

Peaceful.

I just thought of happy moments with my son.

I cried. 

I was mad and disturbed. 

Then I left.

 *************

My family and I went to the cemetery another night together.

I had to buy some flowers for my sons grave because 

I had never put anthing on his headstone before.

My family is so supportive.

Precious.

Kissing her brothers picture. 

(But also disgusting, she has to kiss his picture on his headstone cause he's dead)

She loves Ollie.

She can now say his name.

"Ah-yeee"