No 5 Year old?

This blog was originally for posting pictures for my family, so they could still see Ollie when we lived far away. Since Ollie passed away it has been a journal of my feelings and intense thoughts that sometimes I just haven't been able to release any other way.

 Writing has been more healing than I ever imagined. 

Thank you all for being on this journey with me and for the love along the way-it has been needed.

As of late, I haven't felt the need to write anything. I have been working hard on my own healing this year with things like my yoga practice, my beautiful mountain retreat home, essential oils, vitamins, tinctures, healing books, my sweet Nevada friends taking me to Lake Tahoe, taking HOT baths,  and spending quality time with my children who are still alive and very present in my earthly life. 

One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately and do want to express, is the need to share OUR STORIES. 

They NEED to be heard. 

I find healing from others who have been through a major tragedies and I know so many appreciate me sharing and find healing in hearing about Ollie. Since he died, I have shared his story at least once a day, if not several. Everyone is shocked at that tragic way it happened and I can see that they think more about their own life and the precious people in it.  We all have a story to share---SHARE IT. You seriously never know who you will help and why not help someone? 

We are all in this together!!!

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday was JUNE 21, summer solstice and OLLIE'S BIRTHDAY and Father's Day.  Ollie was supposed to be 5 YEARS OLD. How totally horrible is it that he wasn't here with us to celebrate? Milestones in life are one of the most celebrated and happiest times we have on earth---and we don't get anymore with Ollie in this life. I know life is short compared to the pre-existence and the life to come but, I wanted those memories to keep being created with my little guy, Ollie--they stopped on March 23, 2012.Yes, I am pretty heart broken, the shock has worn off and I have learned how to live with out him---something I never thought I could do, and to tell you the truth, I have been so involved with my other children and be present in their lives,  that I feel it erases Ollie--well I guess its that I am not creating new ones.....It's sad. Ollie would have been one of the kindest and most gentle 5 year old around.

Today I look forward to Poppy and Loxxley as they grow up and enjoy my precious time with them!!!

Here's to the best Father for my children!
I love you

>>>Does heaven celebrate a life event such as a birth or a death? 

I actually bet they celebrate death more<<<

Oh, and just one more side note.

 I didn't know a human could cry or hurt this intensely every day for 3 years now...and I know it will continue until I'm dead---that seems pretty unfair, if you ask me. What about that happily ever after part I always heard about? I guess it happens when I die---but that's a long life of suffering, its hard to stay positive after such a tragedy. 

You've probably never seen this side of him....He sure makes us all laugh!

He Will Rise

Since it is Easter weekend, I have been thinking so much about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I have really been trying to see if I believe it really happened to Jesus Christ and it will happen to Ollie. I have always thought I had a testimony of it but, then Ollie passed away and it became so much more real. I needed for myslef, a firm knowledge without a doubt. The only way I have received this is by studying and much work on my part.  I have been reading a lot of books about heaven and the testimonies of people seeing angels. I feel I can not share things unless I know for certain.

Does heaven really exist?
Does God exist?
Will we all rise again just as Jesus Christ?

YES.
YES.
YES.
I DO BELIEVE.

Watch this and see if you believe

I believe Jesus Christ really walked here upon the earth performing miracles. 
He was a healer and a teacher.
He was perfect in every way.
He was a follower of our God.
He is the only Savior.
He is the light.
He died for each one of us.
He is the way back to our eternal families.
God is there for us and I KNOW He hears our cries.

Jesus Christ broke the bands of time and space, that is why He is able to physically walk with us during our struggles, our low moment and our heartaches. He carries and comforts us all along the way. He is really right by our side---we just can't see Him. Jesus Christ has seriously been the only way I have found rest from my heartache.

My sweet love will rise again....

The Transition Day

All week I have had so much anxiety thinking about the BIG DAY.....

the big stupid day.

the giant elephant in the room. 

the horrible tragic accident that took his life.

the day my life changed forever.
the day we said our earthly goodbyes.

the day Ollie passed into the next phase of eternity.

 

Chris doesn't even want to remember 'the date' but, today I feel I want to remember.

It was the last time I kissed Ollie.

The last time I held him,

smelled,

touched,

and

sang to him. 

The last time I 

washed his dying body,

the last time I saw his beautiful blue eyes,

the last time I touched his messy-stringy-thin-blonde hair.
That day was the last time I would dress him and
it was the last time I heard him breathe.

The last precious earthly moments between a parent and a transitioning child.

It was a day of many lasts with our precious Ollie boy and I cherish every single one.

These pictures hurt but, they don't hurt as much when I think of where Ollie's spirit is. 

I truly believe the longer I live, that Ollie is in the spirit world in
blissful enjoyment--pain free and happy.
He lives on.
He will one day be resurrected to perfection.
He will rise the morning of the first resurrection into my arms.

^^^^^^^^

Today 3 years later.....

I am a changed momma.

My heart is oh so heavy but, today I am healing

and thankful---I honestly NEVER thought I would get to this point.

Today I focus on Ollie's spirit residing in our home---at times I have been so blinded
by grief that I could not see. 

And as I am often reminded....someone ALWAYS has it worse and this is why I am thankful. 

I am deeply grateful for my constant support over these last 3 foggy years. 

I honestly couldn't have done it without prayers, family, texts, emails, and God.

Thank you,

Thank you,

for the LOVE! 

^^^^^^^^ 

A few of my favorite memories of my precious 
Ollie Kai Hebb
June 21, 2010-March 24, 2012

• Holding him for the first time after working so hard to bring him into this life--pure bliss.
•  Watching the way he inspected small things on the ground and trees. 
• His shaggy blonde hair. 
• His gentle spirit and demeanor.
• I loved his fat hands and dirty finger nails.
• I enjoyed watching Ollie and Chris swing outback-the bond they share is tender.
• Rocking and singing to him until he fell asleep.
• I loved pulling Ollie behind the bike trailer while riding in the pouring rain.
• I loved how the first thing right after he woke up was to go outside rain boots and all.
• Ollie  would dance to electronic music and I would film him.
• I miss pulling identical faces with him for a selfie.

Ollie, 

Be near us until we hold you again sweet angel of ours.

 "Because I live, Ye shall live too"-Jesus Christ
Be inspired 

>>>disclaimer because people often take things the wrong way<<<
This blog is an outlet....its healthy for me. 
I don't always feel these horrible feelings.

Leaving your child behind.....

Chris and I recently took a spur-of-the-moment camping trip to the big island of Hawaii. We decided not to take the kids so we could enjoy each other and get some rest--I'm actually way more tired since my return home...it always works out like that. My parents agreed to watch our dogs and kids so we met them half way in Elko to do the exchange. I knew my kids would be in good hands and I knew the worst could happen--they could die. I still was okay with leaving them.
And you know how I was okay?
Because I believe one thousand fold that Heavenly Father is in control of our lives. I know many would disagree with this, hopefully one day you will understand the POWER of GOD.

He is real.
He is all knowing.
He is all powerful.
And He is also all loving!

As Chris and I got home after dropping our children off, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do. I felt helpless and lost. My house was quiet and clean. I couldn't really do much and packed my clothes quickly--I ended up forgetting a lot. It took my straight back to the day we came home after leaving Ollie's precious body at the hospital to prepare for his burial.

How is a parent expected to just walk away and leave their child???
It was nearly impossible.
It almost killed my soul.
The life was sucked from my body and we were exhausted.
The only way we could leave Ollie's body behind was knowing he was not present....He was somewhere else. His spirit was clearly missing and I know it went home with us that day and has never left!

I remember dragging ourselves out of the hospital with crushed hearts and our heads hung low.  We didn't even know what to do next. We felt completely broken to the core. I got in the car and the first thing we had to do was remove the car seat...to never again be used by Ollie--my heart broke again.

When we arrived home, I saw all of his toys organized in his play room--my friends organized my house before we got home, his clothes hanging in his closet to never be worn again by him, all his earthly possessions....and all I wanted was Ollie. They meant so much to me because it was all I physically had of him. Thinking back of walking into my house it felt so empty but there was a stillness and beauty very present. My ward had put flowers in every single room, cleaned everything and brought food over.  I remember thinking Ollie had gone around the house before we arrived and sprinkled his warm spirit through out--it truly felt like this amidst all the pain and sorrow. There were also daffodils all over the yard in bloom and the sun was shining brightly. It was a glorious day in heaven for Ollie's arrival--I am sure if this. People were so kind to us. This kindness is why I am breathing today. I will forever try to show this love until I take my last breath here upon this earth. The darkness felt that day was so painful and I am grateful that today is not that day, I have come so far. Yes the PAIN is still very alive in my soul but I try to extinguish it with happiness and faith.

Oh how I miss my baby boy more than any word could ever express and with my earthly eyes, I hate the day he died and went into the next realm. Part of me believes it was far more glorious than I can imagine for him to enter into heaven. 

Today I am grateful to be home safe and sound with my Poppers and Loxxers. They mend my wounded heart.

Family Dynamics

Lately, I have been really having a hard time since moving, because Poppy has been pooping and peeing her pants several times a day and regressed to being a baby. She wants to be big, but I see in her wanting to still be a baby. She still needs her mommas attention. She has been through so much in her 2.5 years. I am constantly reminded to be patient with my precious child-she is grieving her brother too.

I lay awake in bed at night thinking of how different our life would be if Ollie were still living in it physically.  Poppy and Loxxley's would have been a perfect addition to our life we had with Ollie-pop.

In my church many people believe-as do I, that one day Chris and I will get to raise Ollie again from the age he was when he left this earth-2 years old. I long for this reunion.

But what about NOW.

What about all the memories we create together as a family here and now.
Someone is always missing. A feeling of unrest is always present at every family gathering and activity. I totally believe that I will see Ollie again and be his momma forever and also raise him and watch him grow-in the eternities, but I want him NOW. I just want my family to be complete-and it never will be here upon this earth.

Joseph Smith-A prophet of our church said: "More powerful to me are the thoughts of annihilation than death. If I have no expectation of seeing my loved ones again, my heart would burst in a moment, and I should go down to my grave. The expectation of seeing them in the mourning of the resurrection cheers my soul and makes me bear up against the evils of life. It is like their taking a long journey, and on their return we meet them with increased joy...."

So I look forward to my death and to the next chapter of my existence in the eternities with hope-if I have no hope my heart too would burst from sadness, but today I live each day as if it were my very last.

Really, Life is so Damn Precious. I can't bold this statement enough and damn doesn't even do justice for the power of how precious life is. Our God who gave us our breath may take it at any moment in time.

Live and live well my friends. Make today special and make today count! You never get this day to do over.

^^^^^^

"The only difference in the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light 

and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but do not mourn as those without hope." -Joseph Smith

Death

Its a huge, heavy 4 letter word that most of us are afraid of.
We are so far removed from the process of death that we are afraid. Many cultures around the world are a big part of the process. I think this would be more healing if we got to say goodbye longer than just a day. When a body dies there is no breath left in them, no life. They don't respond anymore, they don't kiss you back, they are just gone. This is almost impossible for the mind to comprehend. It is complete shock. The person was in your life, then in a moments time, they are not.

When I think about what death entails, it penetrates deep into my soul.
It is an earthly ending. It is a temporary goodbye.

Watching the life pass from Ollies precious body to the eternities was such an oh so tender, but heart wrenching thing to ever experience. 

 We all will pass through death one day too.

(I know some people think they are invincible)
 This brought Chris and I so much hope after Ollie passed from this earth, because we thought in the beginning we had to live forever without him, but we don't. We will one day get to see that glorious place where he is residing. 

I know Ollie still lives on in my thoughts and actions,  my heart and spiritually-his spirit lives on.

 I just know this. 

I feel this so strongly in my heart. 

Once you experience death as we know it on earth, you will NEVER, I repeat NEVER be the same, especially after burying your precious 2 year old son into the ground. 

I am changed.

I am different. 

I am not the Tiffany I use to be.

I am broken.

I am sad.

But I am enlightened.

I am strong.

I am enduring, I am brave
and I am hopeful.

<<<<<<<>>>> >>>

A person whom I do not personally know, told someone very special to me how she needs to be grieving. Wow seriously, if you haven't walked this path, buddy, I hate to break it you, but you will never ever understand.  I can't believe the people that think its their right to tell someone, "well its been 2 years and you should move on or be better now"

WHAT???

I watched my child die, gasp for air for 6 long exhausting, but not long enough, hours while his body died off. I buried his 36 inch body in the ground, forever in this life, until the morning of the first resurrection. My child will never walk again on this earth physically,  but I do believe Ollie is with my family daily. We have so many tender moments that testify of Ollie and his presence.

I will not kiss him, hold him, or smell him again until I die, so please don't tell me I need to get over my sons death or stop talking about him, I never will stop.

You just don't get it and you never will.
--that is why the mommas who have lost a child are so deeply connected, we understand--

It will be the hardest thing a person will endure in this life. 

I really do believe this.

Kind of unfair if you ask me.

Okay, pretty much unfair in every way and I hate it.

<<<<<<>>>>>>

I know everyone is afraid to talk about Ollie, 
or
to talk about the huge elephant in the room
DEATH,
but I am okay to talk about it.  I am okay to see someone dead. I have faced my demon and fear of one of my children dying-finding them dead none the less. I know many moms who have this same realistic fear, I will tell you, You will live through their death and you will fight on until your death.   The death of Ollie is on my mind 24/7. It never leaves me.  It is scared upon my heart forever.
Just wait a minute and I will probably bring it up in our conversation. Don't be afraid to ask questions about Ollie or about how I am doing. I just might need to talk, grief lashes out in many weird and unexpected ways.
I am sad a lot.
I get depressed quite frequently.
I am happy a lot, but not fully happy.
I smile, but sometimes its forced.
I am kind, but sometimes I want to yell.
A lot of the time, I am mean and very inpatient,
but
I keep fighting, I fight this tormenting battle until it is through and the suns rays engulf my spirit and warm my cold heart.
 
--I still haven't clean out Ollies top dresser drawer and I love that his clothes still smell like him--
When I think of Ollie being 'gone' I feel that it is not permanent. It sure takes a lot of faith to think like this. The natural man wants to believe in an ending, I think it is easier to understand and comprehend. We want concrete evidence in something more, we need tangible proof.  Since man lived on the earth we have been seeking what is next after this life, we have seeked the heavens and Gods since time began and we will continue to seek until we reach the them.....

my sweet angel

Everlasting Life

OLLIE WILL LIVE AGAIN just as Jesus himself does and promised...I believe this with all of my heart. I will touch him, hold him and kiss his feet again.  Life does not end here!!! Ollie will rise, just as the sun rises each day.

This video is PROFOUND. Please watch it and remember why we are celebrating Easter. Take a minute to meditate and be in silence with your thoughts. It's very healing and powerful. 

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2014-00-006-he-is-risen-john-the-beloveds-witness-of-the-resurrection?category=topics/easter&cid=HPMO041414719&lang=eng

So thankful for the Savior of this mortal world who suffered beyond compression for you and I. He suffered for OUR sins and our sorrows so we may have EVERLASTING LIFE. One day we will rest from our sorrows and be free of our heavy burdens, I just know it. 

One of my favorite pictures of Christ visiting the Americas after he was resurrected. 

Change of direction

Crying...hurting...aching...This pain is just too much sometimes and I physically don't know how to stop weeping. Right now I can not stop crying. I miss Ollie so much. It hurts my heavy heart and feels as if my heart might just stop beating.

 I am tired of being tired. 

Tired of grieving, longing, wishing, wanting.

Crying physically wears you out. It makes you feel so weak. It releases the built up of toxic energy and tension weighing so heavy on your heart, but the crying in turn leaves you empty, lifeless. When I start crying sometimes, I can not stop. How do you make yourself stop crying?

***********

 

So, this is what I began to write yesterday as I was weeping with tears.....

Then Peanut Poppy woke up, thank goodness.

***********

And I made it through that day. One more day down. Wow it was a rough one. 

Today I start my writing off with feelings of:

Courage. Faith. Hope. Love. God. 

I feel better today, not any less sad than yesterday, but there is hope today. Holding onto that HOPE.

I really believe with all of my heart that my belief in Jesus Christ and his sacrifice which broke the bands of death for us all so we may have ETERNAL LIFE, is what gets me through the rough days.

I KNOW I will see Ollie again, I KNOW he lives on. I KNOW Ollie will rise the morning of the first resurrection and his body and spirit will reunite. I am not sure what he is doing right now, but my heart testifies this to me so strongly. 

I often doubt this knowledge, but today I KNOW. 

Tomorrow might be a different story as I lay in my bed and weep--I sure hope not, those days are exhausting to the fullest.  

A few quotes that helped out my day...hopefully they will bring some needed encouragement your way!

and of cute picture of my sweets in the garden. 

She loves to pick kale right off the stalk and basil too. 

She loves to sniff them. 

But she sure has a sweet tooth!

Ollies buddy came to play

Ollie's little friend who he played with and was just becoming buddies with, Jace, came over to our house to play, but Ollie wasn't here....Such a hard thing to hear and accept. Ollie just isn't here anymore. One very normal day he fell into my washer and drowned, we buried him and hes now not in our home physically-but I do know his spirit resides with us continuously. My heart and mind do not understand any of this. I never will accept that Ollie is physically gone from our world.

I had such bittersweet feelings when Jaces mom asked me to watch him. I love Jace and I love holding him, kissing him and sniffing him. I love to see how tall Ollie would be. I love to investigate and kiss his hands. I love to watch his little boy curiosities. BUT it is just so hard. My heart loves it, but at the same time is torn and shattered for the longing of my boy, my Ollie when I see others progressing in their mortal lives......Its very healing for me, but very intense. very bittersweet.

Well here's to Jace and the cute little boy he is. We had a fun time together. I documented the entire day. I was imagining it were Ollie and Poppy playing-how it should have been. It was far better than Poppy playing alone all the time. She loved Jace and was very entertained!!!

and btw Jace is one day younger than Ollie....so I love him even more.

I made him pose for me the entire day, he was so sweet.

Jace has always loved Ollie skate board.

Chilaxin just as Ollie use to do, with his hands crossed under his head.

Singing and dancing for Poppy just as I imagined Ollie would be doing.

Watching daddy take off on his motorcycle.

Its suppose to be Ollie and Poppy, but that smile on Jace is precious.

Playing the drum that Ollie loved so much.

Squeezing Poppy and her hating it, just as I imagined.....

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

I hold onto the hope of seeing Ollie again. I believe we are eternal beings. No end and no beginning. We will all die and hopefully live with Heavenly Father again. 

 Here is a video on what I believe about families and eternal life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MiF_HKoFr4 

Here is another video from a very inspiring mother and woman, Stephanie Nielson. I like the title of the video, "My New Life". I can relate. This new life I now live. I am barely beginning to pick up the broken pieces.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E 

Waking up

When Ollie first passed away my EVERY living thought was consumed with him and my pain. I could barely get out of bed, brush my teeth, clean my house, do laundry in that "stupid" room, or even shower. I couldn't be ALONE. I wore dirty clothes and I didn't even care, I just wanted Ollie back. I had severe anxiety at night thinking Ollie would grab my leg ( he always did this every morning, so I knew if it happened it wouldn't be him)...weird I know. My grief of losing Ollie was ALL CONSUMING. I only thought about myself. Every time I awoke at night with Poppy, I sat there awake feeling anxiety and scared, (I think this was from the shock and horror of finding my child dead, obviously. I was expecting it to happen again). I still haven't worn mascara since that day and probably won't. I just don't care like I use to. Things that were important have become so insignificant in my daily life. All I could think about was how my heart was ripped, torn, stomped, crushed, pierced, wounded, and shattered. I do remember Chris' aunt who had lost a son years earlier, tell me that the morning you wake up and your son is not the very first thing on your mind, then you are healing a little more. She said you will first think of how pretty the sunshine is, or of Poppy, or of the things you need to take care of. This happened for me about the 7 month mark. I felt sad not to think of Ollie right away, but it was a nice relief. Missing someone so much and crying every minute makes you feel exhausted and weighed down all*the*time. In the last year I have been more tired than I ever have. I really am worn out, but I feel I am slowly and steadily gaining strength and moving forward with a huge amount of *faith*

So today a year later I feel as if I have been awakened and I am a new person. I manage to brush my teeth-twice, sometimes more, I shower-alone, I drive in my car-alone, I go on walks in the sunshine, I smile, I laugh, I pay my bills-on time, my faith in Gods plan has increased ten fold, I plead to my father in heaven in my all*day*long prayers, I cry, I sob, I awake and think of Poppy or the sun-then my Ollie, I trust God more, my love for everyone has increased, I have more compassion, I am more patient, I have empathy for a mother who has lost a child, my testimony in the gospel of Jesus Christ is rock solid, I have met amazing people who will be in my life now forever, I appreciate the small things, and I know I will see Ollie again and he still lives on! I know God uses these tragedies as a teaching tool for us to become "better" and more like our savior Jesus Christ.  *not saying I am perfect in any of these areas, they have just increased.

***Psalms 30:5
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Read about Eternal Families- I believe this with all of my broken heart

 

How couldn't I smile and go on when I see this face? She is a blessing in my life. 

Look at those huge chompers.