Special moments with our ANGEL

Yesterday Chris and Poppy took our beautiful new Alaskan Malamute on a walk in the mountains behind our house. They all had some great bonding time while Loxxley and I played at home. Chris sent me this treasured video of Poppy, talking about her drawing in the dirt being Ollie's spirit and she wants to remember him. And also about the moments before she was born, Ollie was with her and he was at the gates.

As I was giving birth to Poppy, 1 month after Ollie went to heaven, Chris and I both envisioned that same thing at the exact same moment in time. As Poppy was descending down the birth canal and into what we call earth, Ollie was in heaven holding her hand and letting her be with us....they held hands until the very last moment. Chris and I both had this vision and talked about it after her birth.....no coincidences here.

What?

How could Poppy know this about Ollie and the gates?
She would only know what we all experienced, if it really happened...Chris and I have never mentioned this story to her.

This story was so precious to Chris and I and is just another testament that Ollie is alive and lives on--because sometimes it is just so hard to have this faith when I can not physically hold or see my 2 year old child.....

Poppy and Ollie communicate, I know they do.

He is still in our every day lives and we know he watches over us.

I often hear Poppy giggling in her room and of course I have to go in and see what she's doing. She is usually dancing and looking in the mirror while she twirls and giggles loudly. The same day as the 'Ollie's spirit in the dirt day', Poppy said that she dances with Ollie and he twirls her around!!!

Oh how happy this makes me, I just had to share all of this.

 My heart feels so much love for their relationship that they still have. I have been trying to be very aware of Ollie being near to us, because I  know he is.  I want to be in tune with his presence.

***

 Before Ollie passed on to the next faze of eternity, I believed in coincidences. Now, I believe only in divine intervention. I believe that GOD is the master engineer and for life to run accordingly, the very finest details are worked out. Even the EXACT moment we will take our last breath or our first. Everything really does happen for a reason at the exact moment it was supposed to.  If it were meant for Ollie to survive, he would have. Yes, it was a horrific accident, and if it were meant for me to be inspired as a mother, I would have found him sooner and been able to revive him---not the case, so I do believe our days are numbered here upon this earth and who was meant to live shall live.

***

What is living anyway?

Some people go through this life half dead...they truly are walking dead.

Are you walking dead through the motions of this life, or are you truly living?

Ollie is living, he is alive in our home and in the heavens, thanks to the one and only JESUS CHRIST.

GET OUT AND LIVE.

Left Behind???

That shear panic sets in as you thought you left your child behind at the grocery store.

Have you ever experienced this?

I'm sure you all have had some taste of this panic?

Now times that by 90.

Let me tell you, it's INTENSE.

Horror.

Worry.

Distress.

Shock.

Disbelief.

Panic.

Helplessness.

Yep, that's exactly what grief feels like every--stinkin--single--day--but it does change through out the day and through out the years. Some days it is this intense, but hopefully not every waking minute.

Your broken heart aches constantly and you feel anxiety to the core of your being, because something is wrong and you just can't seem to ever fix it.

As mothers, we like to fix things. 

RIGHT?

 Especially with our sweet children.

 I remember walking out of that cold hospital after we unwillingly took Ollie off life support, and not knowing what to do next. I felt oh so helpless and scared. I didn't want this for my life and wanted it to be fixed right away.

There is no fixing of this heavy burden called,  grief.

It will be carried on your heart and in your life always and forever until you take your last breath.

Makes me pretty depressed actually to think about this.

How is one expected to live with the  feeling of a rat chewing on your insides, or the feeling of bricks placed upon your chest not allowing for a full breathe in? 

and you just have to deal with it?

It's nearly impossible.

and you almost die yourself because of it.

It creeps up at every holiday-as today is Halloween, at birthday celebrations and every family party.

Not much helps.

Time heals, I guess.

or do the memories just fade?

Its rather sad if you ask me.

^^^^^^^^^^

One thing I hold onto with an iron fist and I will never let go of, is the fact of seeing Ollie again one day. And I do know he is always a prayer away. I try to be in-tune so I may feel him daily!

Grief just molds you into something new.

I am a new human because of GRIEF.
And hope to one day be a beautiful piece of work before my death.

PLEASE SHARE YOUR DESCRIPTIONS OF GRIEF OR LOSS

That dang washer

Did you know I hate that stupid machine??? It makes me made every time I even look at it. I am still aboard that crazy roller coaster, experiencing bad and good days......the bad, crying moments only last a few minutes luckily. If you did happen to see me around town, you would proabably say I appear to be happy. I am happy, but there are times through out the day where I just sit and hate almost EVERYTHING....except my family, friends, and children! I get very depressed and have anger settle over my entire body.....This feeling is quickly removed from me the moment Poppy or tiny--aka. Loxxley, crawl on me and kiss me!!

^^^^^

Last night my sweet mom was washing the sheets because my sister had just gone home and Chris and I wanted to move into the bigger room. The sheets had been washing for a while now and I went to take them out and put them into the dryer. As I opened the lid the exact same picture overtook my mind----when I found sweet Ollie.

AAWWWW....YUCK...it really hurts my lungs, my back, my heart, my brain, and every inch of my body to think about that horrific moment finding my Ollie boy--the moment that significantly changed my life forever here on earth and in the eternities.

As I starred looking at the sheets, in that cold ugly washing machine--exactly what I was washing the day Ollie fell in.

I know, I too feel the intense pressure in my chest. Right now I almost can't breathe. Sometimes it doesn't affect me like this...other times I can barely say the words.

I seriously imagined Ollie in there....I almost put my hands in to feel him. My mind thought I was back at that exact awful moment. Thank goodness I don't ever have to find Ollie dead again---it sounds so weird and it really trips my mind out--this grief thing. this death thing. this burying your child thing....it's all awful and it's all hard to comprehend and accept.

I slammed the washer lid and ran up stairs to tell my mom the washer had gotten stuck on the first cycle with a full load of water.

I was angry at that stupid thing that took Ollie's life----I have to remind myself that we all will die one day and I can't really think of a perfect way for Ollie to have died other than peacefully in his sleep. I really think that there is an angel of death that peacefully removes all pain the moment we die....

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Or does this just bring peace to my soul?


I find my HOPE today in one day seeing sweet Ollie again. I find hope in knowing he is in the other room and very close to me.  He is aware. He lives on. He is real. He was and is my son.

Live in the moment before it passes.....say your sorry first. Love more, hug more and be kinder!!

^^^^^

I often find myself wondering why Ollie had to die in such a freaky, horrific way? I have never heard of this happening to another person. Who could have ever imagined this? Surely not me. He was too big and way too smart. I don't even know how he physically fit in there...once again, makes my stomach turn thinking about it.  I honestly think--call me crazy, but I think that by Ollie dying in this manner allowed more lives to be touched. This is all I can seem to come up with. It was such a shocking way that seemed to reach millions. Every person I randomly tell about the accident has already heard about it on the news. I know for certain Ollie has reached many, just like the random guy who said he has a special connection with Ollie and Ollie is his guardian angel. Wow. Pretty cool!


^^^^^

JOHN 4
 14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

Yep, Grief is still here

I still have nightmares of my children drowning.
 
Yep, It's pretty awful. 

The dreams leave me with anxiety for the rest of the day-crummy way to start the day.
I wake up from my dream as if I had just experienced another death of my child, of course it's not the exact same but, I sure wish I could have a blissful dream occasionally.

Why do I have to live everyday in a nightmare and also experience nightmares in my dreams?

Seems a bit unfair to me, don't you think?

YEP.

^^^^^

I also, still catch myself not breathing properly through out the day. 

All of the sudden I will be out of breath and realize I hadn't even exerted myslef.

THANKS FOR NOTHING GRIEF.

So, I know its from not taking deep breathes, I am constantly shallow breathing and can't seem to ever fully BREATHE.

This is just another side effect of grieving-it stress out the body and doesn't allow you to fully relax---ever. Chris explains it well, "Grief feels as if a heavy brick is resting on your chest and you can't take a full breath in." 

Yeah sounds nice, right?

NOPE.

^^^^^

Grief has caused me to be more angry than I could have ever imagined.

ANGER. RAGE. MADNESS.

I was sitting in bed the other night thinking of how mad I have been since Ollie died. I have NEVER experienced such anger and rage in my entire life. Through out my childhood I have never felt these feelings---it makes sense because I had never loved this deeply until my little buddy was born and so the loss is going to be just as deep.

Longing to hold my first born,
wondering where my child is,
finding happiness daily and living a NEW NORMAL, sure are tough ones to handle and I am not very good at it, I just miss every inch of him.

No 5 Year old?

This blog was originally for posting pictures for my family, so they could still see Ollie when we lived far away. Since Ollie passed away it has been a journal of my feelings and intense thoughts that sometimes I just haven't been able to release any other way.

 Writing has been more healing than I ever imagined. 

Thank you all for being on this journey with me and for the love along the way-it has been needed.

As of late, I haven't felt the need to write anything. I have been working hard on my own healing this year with things like my yoga practice, my beautiful mountain retreat home, essential oils, vitamins, tinctures, healing books, my sweet Nevada friends taking me to Lake Tahoe, taking HOT baths,  and spending quality time with my children who are still alive and very present in my earthly life. 

One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately and do want to express, is the need to share OUR STORIES. 

They NEED to be heard. 

I find healing from others who have been through a major tragedies and I know so many appreciate me sharing and find healing in hearing about Ollie. Since he died, I have shared his story at least once a day, if not several. Everyone is shocked at that tragic way it happened and I can see that they think more about their own life and the precious people in it.  We all have a story to share---SHARE IT. You seriously never know who you will help and why not help someone? 

We are all in this together!!!

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday was JUNE 21, summer solstice and OLLIE'S BIRTHDAY and Father's Day.  Ollie was supposed to be 5 YEARS OLD. How totally horrible is it that he wasn't here with us to celebrate? Milestones in life are one of the most celebrated and happiest times we have on earth---and we don't get anymore with Ollie in this life. I know life is short compared to the pre-existence and the life to come but, I wanted those memories to keep being created with my little guy, Ollie--they stopped on March 23, 2012.Yes, I am pretty heart broken, the shock has worn off and I have learned how to live with out him---something I never thought I could do, and to tell you the truth, I have been so involved with my other children and be present in their lives,  that I feel it erases Ollie--well I guess its that I am not creating new ones.....It's sad. Ollie would have been one of the kindest and most gentle 5 year old around.

Today I look forward to Poppy and Loxxley as they grow up and enjoy my precious time with them!!!

Here's to the best Father for my children!
I love you

>>>Does heaven celebrate a life event such as a birth or a death? 

I actually bet they celebrate death more<<<

Oh, and just one more side note.

 I didn't know a human could cry or hurt this intensely every day for 3 years now...and I know it will continue until I'm dead---that seems pretty unfair, if you ask me. What about that happily ever after part I always heard about? I guess it happens when I die---but that's a long life of suffering, its hard to stay positive after such a tragedy. 

You've probably never seen this side of him....He sure makes us all laugh!

Dear Ollie

I haven't sat down to talk to you in a while, Poppy and Loxx have kept me pretty busy. Everytime I try to sit and write about you or think quietly to myself--your siblings quickly remind me, they need me too. As I sat down to write this, Loxxley started eating the plant and spilled the dirt all over the floor, Poppy kept asking me which button on the keyboard she could push and I impatiently told her to stop it. So, I closed my computer and held both of them tight and sang to them. I know this is what you would want.

I miss you so much Ollie, as I hold Loxxley and sing the same songs I sang to you when I rocked you to sleep every day of your life---which I am thankful for.  Looxley has some of your same features but, looks very distict and different. He is so gentle just like you. He loves his older sister so much. I cry as I write this. I know how much you would adore your siblings if you were here. Poppy would look up to you so mcuh. The other night we had a family over for dinner and they have a boy who turns 5 in July. Poppy liked to play with him the most. She giggled with him and chased him around the house. She also teased him like a younger sister would. It made me miss you, my sweet boy. My heart still aches for you. The pain is so deep and never ending. Frankly, I dont't like when the pain goes away for split second---my pain connects me to you!

Poppy is turning 3 next week. You never made it that far in your earthly years. I could have never imagined when I gave birth to you, held you, kissed you and nursed you that I would have to say goodbye so soon. I dont't understand. I really don't. I just miss you. Every-single-thing about you my precious boy but, Poppy does bring so much sunshine into our home. She truly is our rainbow after our torrential down pour, and her voice is the cutest thing around--I wanted to hear you say 'mom' more than anything.

Loxxley survived! He sure is a fighter and I know you were with him the entire time in the NICU. I hoped everyday I would see you in the NICU by his side, I never did see you. I felt you though. And I know you were there. Loxx is a little guy and has been wearing all of your clothes. I love seeing him in your clothes and some of them I never even washed so they still smell like you. He will soon pass you up in years spent here on this earth.

I have been healing this last year more than I ever expected. I think I am healing so well because I have physically pleaded and given my burden to the Lord, prayers have been offered by many on my(our) behalf and  have carried my soul and this beautiful sunny Carson City has done wonders to lift my spirits. I have been trying to dig deep and find my passions again, my zest for life.

Your dad misses his little buddy. I know it hurts his heart and entire body to think of you not physically present in our lives. You were his first born, you were his mini him, you adored him and he adored you. Loxxley sure loves your dad too and so does Poppy but, he still misses his first born--he misses you. Poppy runs to your dad every time he gets home from work--just like you did. I am sure it warms his cold heart.

I still can't believe my body can endure so much shock and pain and still live. Our bodies are truly amazing. I am still in a bit of shock that you one day drowned, died and we buried your body. It is still awful to think about. We had to say goodbye to you. I wish I could understand more about spirits and that the veil was just a bit thinner to see you. My dog probably sees you but, I can't seem to see you in spirit. Having faith is a pretty difficult thing but, I can't deny my true feelings of seeing you again.

Death is not the end my son--as you know. I born my testimony at a husband and wives baptism last week. I told them I know I will see you again. I told them that Jesus Christ has carried my burden and will carry theirs if they ask. I told them about our family being sealed in the house of the Lord for all time and eternity. You are mine forever my sweet boy. We are an eternal family forever and have been sealed under the priesthood which is here upon the earth again. I told them about temples and how they are a link to heaven!!I cried a lot. I felt you near me. I felt you resting upon my heart. You burned inside of my body and I couldn't help but share what was true.

I love you and miss your gentle touch. I miss your smell, your hands, your toes and your vibrant blue eyes. Please stay as near as you can, I know you have important things to do. Please direct me to my destiny and path to follow while here upon this earth. Please lead me and guide me and walk beside me. Until I hold you again my precious Ollie, I stay strong and fight on.

With lots of love, from your mom

Healing

Yesterday and today turned out to be far better than I could have ever expected. I honestly can't believe the strength I have felt in the last two days....a lot of kind souls must be offering prayers on our behalf---we sure feel them. 

>>>God is good<<<

I really can't help but acknowledge God for the things in my life. 

He has a plan, I just feel it.
He has healed me and guided me.

The strength I get is from the one on high.

It is very interesting to me that the lower and harder you fall the higher you will climb due to the strength you have received after fighting your battle.  

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;

the most massive characters are seared with scars."

-Kahlil Gibran

I am STRONG and so are each and every one of you reading this.
Have some faith in yourself. 
 

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday sweet Poppy woke up asking if she could get her ears pierced. She has actually asked for months but, never really wanted to when it came down to it. 

I don't think for a second that it was a coincidence that she asked. We had wanted to do some special things as a family and this was just that. 

 

She got a tiny star earring.

How can we not have a good day with little missy in our lives.....

We also went to dinner at a new restaurant and a man without any children just adored Poppy and told her if he had children like Poppy he would have 10. I think it warmed this old mans heart and he wanted to buy Poppy pink ice cream....so he did. 
What a kind gentleman.

^^^^^^^^^^

One of my favorite songs lately...thanks Carly! 

Lennon and Maisy.  

Check these sisters out here

 

The Transition Day

All week I have had so much anxiety thinking about the BIG DAY.....

the big stupid day.

the giant elephant in the room. 

the horrible tragic accident that took his life.

the day my life changed forever.
the day we said our earthly goodbyes.

the day Ollie passed into the next phase of eternity.

 

Chris doesn't even want to remember 'the date' but, today I feel I want to remember.

It was the last time I kissed Ollie.

The last time I held him,

smelled,

touched,

and

sang to him. 

The last time I 

washed his dying body,

the last time I saw his beautiful blue eyes,

the last time I touched his messy-stringy-thin-blonde hair.
That day was the last time I would dress him and
it was the last time I heard him breathe.

The last precious earthly moments between a parent and a transitioning child.

It was a day of many lasts with our precious Ollie boy and I cherish every single one.

These pictures hurt but, they don't hurt as much when I think of where Ollie's spirit is. 

I truly believe the longer I live, that Ollie is in the spirit world in
blissful enjoyment--pain free and happy.
He lives on.
He will one day be resurrected to perfection.
He will rise the morning of the first resurrection into my arms.

^^^^^^^^

Today 3 years later.....

I am a changed momma.

My heart is oh so heavy but, today I am healing

and thankful---I honestly NEVER thought I would get to this point.

Today I focus on Ollie's spirit residing in our home---at times I have been so blinded
by grief that I could not see. 

And as I am often reminded....someone ALWAYS has it worse and this is why I am thankful. 

I am deeply grateful for my constant support over these last 3 foggy years. 

I honestly couldn't have done it without prayers, family, texts, emails, and God.

Thank you,

Thank you,

for the LOVE! 

^^^^^^^^ 

A few of my favorite memories of my precious 
Ollie Kai Hebb
June 21, 2010-March 24, 2012

• Holding him for the first time after working so hard to bring him into this life--pure bliss.
•  Watching the way he inspected small things on the ground and trees. 
• His shaggy blonde hair. 
• His gentle spirit and demeanor.
• I loved his fat hands and dirty finger nails.
• I enjoyed watching Ollie and Chris swing outback-the bond they share is tender.
• Rocking and singing to him until he fell asleep.
• I loved pulling Ollie behind the bike trailer while riding in the pouring rain.
• I loved how the first thing right after he woke up was to go outside rain boots and all.
• Ollie  would dance to electronic music and I would film him.
• I miss pulling identical faces with him for a selfie.

Ollie, 

Be near us until we hold you again sweet angel of ours.

 "Because I live, Ye shall live too"-Jesus Christ
Be inspired 

>>>disclaimer because people often take things the wrong way<<<
This blog is an outlet....its healthy for me. 
I don't always feel these horrible feelings.

The Washer

That damn thing.....my goodness.
I hate talking about it.
I hate seeing it.
I hate that it took Ollie's precious life.
I just hate it.
All of it.
It hurts my heart to use it.
It really hurts.
Why won't it just leave me?
Why can't I stop putting so much attention on an object that took my sons life?

Annoying.

^^^^^

Of course when we moved here to Carson, guess what was THE ONLY thing to get broken in the move?

The washer.
Yep.

We hooked it up and ran a cycle, and sure enough water came squirting out of the back and flooded the entire laundry room.

Seriously???
 
What is it trying to tell me?
That I need to wash my clothes down by the river???
I know and want this already.
I have always wanted to live a primitive life.

I have been submitting claim, email and phone call, one after another----alll to talk about my stupid washing machine that is not even 3 years old....my awesome ward in Oregon, so thoughtfully bought us a brand new one the day Ollie passed away.

How pathetic.

I'm over it already. 

Stop getting in my face, you ugly machine, I already spend way too much time with you than I ever wanted.

^^^^^

Anyone else have demons that jump up in your face and won't leave them alone?

Check out some art work, it is beautiful in every way. It speaks to my momma heart!!
http://beyondwordsdesigns.com/?page_id=2886

Strong Humans Are We

It is interesting to me how the last 2.5 years have been the fastest years of my entire life...obviously because, so many large mountains have manifest themselves in our once, care free path.

I am actually blown away with how much the body can go through and still survive, yet how fragile it is and how quickly it can die. Ones soul can also take quite the beating. It is only when you are stripped of everything-you have nothing else to give, then you will find yourself and what you are truly made of--you also can find God too.

Going through the trauma of finding my precious child inside my washing machine almost dead--sorry I know its hard to read, but its what it is and I face it head on in order to one day jump through it all. And then all that comes with your child's death---I am too weak right now to go into details, and then fighting to find a reason to stay alive yourself. I truly have been to the depths of my rock bottom many times over- I hope, I thought Ollie's tragic death was all I could handle.

Nope.

Then I had the sweetest 2.5lb miracle. And that came along with so much will to persevere....man it was so so hard to fight through it day after day.

No wonder I am still tired?

Chris brought to my attention yesterday, that we need to give ourselves some credit for what we have been through......two super duper gigantic life changing events.

Yea, I already cried uncle with Ollie and threw in the towel.
Whats up with that God???
How can I be expected to do more when I am already finished....so I thought.
Seriously?

Well, I am living proof you are all stronger than you know. You really truly are. Don't ever doubt that. Have some faith in yourself--I telling myself this now. I sure had no idea I could live through all of this.....and I know the world is just getting more and more rotten, so I know there are more trials in store for me. I couldn't have done it without my hope and belief in our one true loving God. I know without a doubt He is aware of you and I, even though I often don't see it. I have had a lot of love shown to me and I believe it is all through the power of prayer and others being inspired to share their love.

THANK YOU
THANK YOU!

I fight with the powers of the universe to live on earth and to live happily and mightily until the breath is taken from my body.....

Here's to life, love and 2015!

//I do know that loving God and speaking of Him is not the so called cool thing to do these days but, I just can't help it.....God is all around us. And so is my sweet Ollie boy! Oh, and I am not trying to be cool.. haha

The world is grand, get our there and truly live!! 

2009 Basil, Switzerland--where my family is form.

The Hebbs

My blog in the last 2.5 years has mostly been about my grief journey and a lot of it has been very dark and very depressing, there has also been a lot of underlying HOPE. I think it's VERY healthy for the soul to get thoughts out of the brain, they tend to get all jumbled and it makes it harder to see what is really going on. Sometimes I don't write because, I feel I am too depressing, sometimes I don't write because, I feel my blog should just be about grieving, or often times, I just don't care to write.....

It's just about my life.

It's my journal, and if it helps others along the way, then its all worth it!

Thank you for reading and being apart of my journey.

So, today I am sharing some pictures-a lot of pictures, of the simple, but meaningful Christmas and holiday season we had together as a family and the love we felt for Jesus Christ.
Jesus taught, “I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." (John 8:12)--Ollie being in heaven now has put a whole new meaning on death, life, heaven, hell, paradise, Jesus, God, families, and the eternities. I want to KNOW every.single.thing about these places and people. I want to know what Ollie is experiencing and doing. This scripture brings a lot of light into my life and leads my every thought back to my sweet Ollie-boy.

Oh, how I wonder what paradise is like?

One day I will know.
One day we all will know.
And it will be mighty glorious!!!

*****

//December picture over-load//

Cutting of the $10 'Perfect' Christmas Tree!

Yes, Chris carried it all by himself while I struggled to get the kids back to the car...

And of course we had to dress Loxxers up like a lumber-jack

Christmas Peanut-Cracker

Poppy wants to be a ballerina one day

Poppy's first ginger bread house from grandma and grandpa

The 'perfect' tree, well maybe not, it had not back branches so we called it the 'corner tree'

Napa, CA, She loves the simple things

Pho bowls made by uncle Brent

Crabbing at Dillon Beach

The view Chris has quite frequently...

Snuggles with daddy

Namaste, of course displayed by Poppy!

Christmas Eve hike with our new friends around Spooner Lake

Christmas Eve jammies, fondue and crab dinner

Santa and the reindeer food, of course!

And the reindeer left real poop on our kitchen floor

Christmas morning

The most precious gift, Ollie got an official plaque for his mission call to heaven!!!

Crabbing again at Dillon Beach

*****

“For as in Adam all die, 
even so in Christ shall all be made alive.” 
(1Corin. 15:22)