Help through the NICU

Back in September when I first found out I was bleeding, I knew this was not a good sign while being pregnant. It made me nervous, but I told my mom from the beginning, that I knew things would work out how they were supposed to. After losing Ollie, I knew all too well how quickly and suddenly a life could be taken from me. If God needed Loxxley, he would be taken-I would have been beyond heartbroken again-but for some reason, I trusted more this time.

Fortunately, things worked out to my liking and our once again heartfelt pleading prayers, were answered. Loxxley is supposed to be here. He is truly a miracle, the miracle we prayer for. His life is not yet completed and I am grateful formy time I have already spent with him.

The last few months-whoa I mean several exhausting never ending months, I have learned some things I want to share with others facing this same ever exhausting and difficult situation. The NICU is not a relaxing place to be, it is filled with anxious mothers (and fathers) quietly and fearfully attending to their babies the best they can as the doctors try to save their weak and fragile preemie.

First minutes of life @ 2lbs. 5 oz.

Several ways to help you push through and plan for the scary and uncertain NICU:

-When you first arrive in the Neonatal unit be prepared to be tired and exhausted. Every mother-excuse me, most mothers want to be with their precious and oh so fragile preemie every single minute humanly possible. For some, it is not very practical to be there every day, for me, I had to find a way to get to the hospital. I was too anxious and nervous away from him. I just thought that little baby needed me-even when there was not much I could do other than just stare and send my positive love and thoughts towards Loxxley. But do not feel bad if it is not possible for you to be there, the nurses are very skilled and take great care of your child while you are away. And the other mothers send their love to your baby too!!! 


-Be prepared to NOT understand what's going on. There will be a lot of scary machines, tubes, and words you wont be familiar with. That is okay. You will quickly get used to them and like me, will get so sick of hearing those annoying beeps and staring at the monitors and having a panic attack every time your child desats. I swear, Loxxley's alarm went off more than any other baby....it probably just seemed this way.

-Don't be afraid of the doctors just because they are more knowledgeable than you-ask every question you can to find out the medical conditions and go home and do your own research. Remember you are still the parent and have the final say. Chris and I actually went against what some of the doctors thought, they dont know everything-but they do know a lot. Trust yourself after you have prayerful meditated about the matter. After losing Ollie and then having a preemie, God has played a big part in our lives and our decisions. He is very aware.  We all need a power stronger than ourselves to call upon for help-even those amazing doctors do.

Can you believe the size oh him????
Unreal and scary. 

-Pray everyday as much as you can for your baby on your knees-I was too exhausted and rushed to the NICU the second I woke up, I wish I had done this more. I needed the quiet and peace I feel when I am praying or pleading to my God. I also needed the strength from a higher power to get me through this tiresome dark valley. God is aware and ready to help. Also Jesus Christ is there to lighten your burdens, He did for me and He will for you, If you ask. This fight is long and hard, but it will end and I hope it ends for you all in bringing your healthy baby home-if your child passes on to heaven, keep this promise with you every day until you yourself die-You Will See And Hold Your Precious Child Again.

-Touch your baby the minute they say its okay.  Chris and I were so scared to even breathe while in the micro-preemie pod, let alone touch Loxxley. We were so worried he was going to die-we had already buried one child and knew how real it was. Loxx was so tiny and fragile. We could see through his skin. He was too tiny to live-well, so we thought. I did Kangaroo care, aka-skin to skin, every single day for 3 months. I tried to do it for 3 hours at a time-this was so exhausting I am not going to lie, but my little Loxx needed it and we all know those momma bears fight hard for their young-the dad's do too, Chris did kangaroo care when I couldn't. These little preemies are so STRONG and TOUGH. They are fighting so hard, so remember to be patient with them. They are doing their very best. They will go home when they are ready. Loxxley got released exactly on his due date. 

 

First time holding Loxxley, I was shaking.

-Remember to take time everyday for yourself, something I had a really hard time with. After Poppy and Chris moved to Utah, I lived at the Ronald McDonald house-a blessing and a curse to be so close-and sat in the NICU from 9am for his first feeding until 9 or 10 pm. It was way too much for one person. I did this every day for 1 entire month. I would not recommended this approach. I would eat lunch as quickly as I could and almost choke every time, so I could rush back to feed Loxxley. I was determined to have him be breastfed exclusively and for him to take the bottle properly. He had such a hard time. After much perseverance and offering him the breast daily, I am happy to report Loxxley is now breastfed and doing amazing. Not saying he is t still very difficult and lots if extra work cause he is, but it's way more relaxing in your own home. He did take the bottle for the first 5 months. Aww 5 months of pumping, I'm so glad that's over-I know several of my friends who are still pumping and who have pumped way longer-you are tough. Keep with it mommas. It is so difficult, but it is possible. Breast is the best for your tiny preemie, but I do know for some of you it just is not possible. Don't beat your self up about it.  One of my favorite nurses, Jamie challenged me to go outside and walk on a trail or just breathe fresh air every day....it helped so much. Do this! Just get out side and BREATHE. 

And most of all, Remember to....Expect a Miracle!

Mr. Loxx

 Little chunker!

I have been so exhausted living at the NICU the last 9 weeks. I have been overdoing it with my time there. I arrive at the NICU at 9am and dont leave until about 10pm....sometimes I stay later. 

WHOA. 

It is just too much time spent in those white boring walls, with all those smells-they instantly bring me back to the time we spent with Ollie during his last hours of life. I love being with Loxxley and cuddling him, but I am getting stressed to the max. My cup is overflowing with stress. My body cant take too much more. It has been working hard and it hurts. I cant wait to get back to Utah with Chris and Poppy. I miss them. It has been wonderful at the Ronald McDonald House, but so lonely. I know our life will settle down a bit and we can take a breather. Since Loxxley was born, I have been forgetting to breathe and doing that 'hold your breath and take deep breath' thing again. 

Its rough. 

Therefore, I have decided I am getting a massage tomorrow! Yay

 Loxxley had his routine 2 week eye exam again just 4 days ago and that evening he had a huge spell. The nurse had just suctioned out his nose, then about 5 minutes later his heart rate dropped suddenly to 40 (normal for him is 140-160) and his oxygen dropped to 10% (should be around 90-100).  The nurse quickly rushed over and rubbed his back very hard, nothing, he didnt even move or take a breath. The nurse then began to stimulate him while the other nurse grabbed the oxygen to give breaths, still nothing. Meanwhile, the 'code ' button was pushed and all the doctors came running.  Then, they grabbed the bigger oxygen bag and 'bagged' him for over 2 minutes. Loxxley's heart rate slowly began to come up. My word. I actually was not there during this episode, thank goodness. All of his spells, in my opinion, have stemmed from the stupid-but very critical, eye exams. Loxxley has had 3 other smaller spells since that night. I guess we are on the scary loops of the roller coaster. The little guy is doing ok today and he's so stinkin cute!! and smells wonderful too. Poor little guy is still fighting to be with us here on earth. 

A cute thing happened today. I was holding Loxxley and staring at his face of course, I was thinking about Ollie and wondering if he will act or look alike. Little Loxxley gave me a big grin-yes it was just a practice grin, but none the less a grin to reassure me Ollie is near!

Little Loxxley

-37 weeks corrected

- 66 days on earth

-5lbs. 5oz. 

-18 inches long

-a bit of reflux

-45 ml of breast milk

-still working of nippling

-such a mellow baby

NG tube for feeds he can't take by bottle

and as always,

Thank you for your prayers and fasting on Loxxley's behalf. 

Today was the first day he actually sated his oxygen up to 100.

and 

a big thanks to all the doctors and nurses. He wouldn't be alive without their knowledge and expertise.

Baby Boy is here!!!

 Labor and Delivery 
28 weeks gestation

November 24, 2013

A quick update:

Baby boy Hebb has arrived. 
I had contractions the entire day and night before and was still bleeding, so the doctors started me on magnesium. The contractions lessened and I was taken off the mag. Then the next day the contractions started around 5pm. They were painful, but nothing too serious, until I had about 4 contractions that were so severe I started crying and weeping with agony. I could tell his bum was sitting on my cervix and with each contractions the little guys heart rate dropped to 50...

I was really worried. 

All the doctors ran in and I started telling them the baby was coming out. The pressure was intense and I was trying to hold him in until they were ready.

They rushed me to the OR and were preparing for a c-section. I had planned for this event many times in my head-I played it out with many doctors and now that it was actually unfolding, I was not scared. 

I trusted the docs. and I trusted God. 

The doctors brought in the anesthesiologist and everyone was prepared, they quickly checked me again and the babies bum was coming out. 

They said to push, I was confused and said, "where" because I was planning on the dreaded c-section. 

I then realized I was just going to push him out.
I gave one push and they said, "Harder" then I gave it my all and he popped right out. They then yelled, "it's a BOY". 

And wisked his tiny body off to the place they had warned me about. The place of resuscitation and assessment, where they also give and an apgar score.

Tears of happiness and sorrow began to roll down my face and I began to cry. 

All I could think about was Ollie.
I missed Ollie. 

I missed my sweet precious boy, the one I knew and already loved.

I then delivered  my placenta and all the doctors were interested to see where the abruption had taken place, and we all looked carefully.
I told them I was keeping my placenta to dehydrate and make into capsules-yea you might think this is weird, but it is so smart and so nutritional for baby and I-every animal does this.

I was then wheeled back to my room. 

Chris and my parents quickly arrived and we all went to meet this little guy. 

Baby Hebb

Born: @ 7:25pm

Weight: 1005 grams -I think 2.5lbs 

Apgar: 1 minute-6 

           5 minutes-9

*He was on a about 25% oxygen for about an hour and then quickly down to room air. 

*He is now only on room air and a cpap.

*The doctors are amazed at how well he is doing and that he is also a male-females fight harder and are more mature.
 *I have already pumped 8 times and have given him about 6 drops of colostrum, that's huge for him, It instantly settles him down.
*He has giant feet and hands like his daddy!!!

We haven't really got a great look at his tiny face yet.

The neonatal doctors were short staffed and said they couldn't have had a better baby for this type of  situation.
Several different nurses have all expressed how feisty and tough he is. 

He will keep fighting.
 I just know it.

His brother angel Ollie is guarding him with all his power and I also think he has given his fighting ability to this baby, and maybe even his strong heart!!!

**We have been warned several times that the NICU is a roller coaster ride. 

Well, that's nothing new to us. We are professional riders!

So, Chris and our families continue on this ride, and we are holding on tight. We still need lots of prayers, as does this little champion. It has already been a miracle that he is doing so well with his lung development. We wont know much more until after 72 hours-they try not to disturb the baby too much during this time to prevent brain bleeds.
I am so nervous and anxious about the outcome.

I am living in the moment.

Today the baby is well and pushing forward.
I trust God and his help.

***Thank you for the love and prayers*** 

and thank you mom and dad for all your help