The light

Today I was driving in the car listening to the music really loud, which I hardly ever do, but today I just needed to yell out the song and let some steam off. After the song was over I was thinking back to right after Ollie died---as I do daily.  It seemed as if I had been encapsulated in a power of light.  I couldn't even begin to think about talking negatively about anyone, listen to loud music that did't sound like angels singing, swear or watch any violence on the TV.  It seemed as if I was only seeking positive things and this pure light. I wanted only happy things to surround me. It was pretty blissful even though I felt and still feel this deep heartbreaking pain.

Now.....

that spirit of extreme goodness is slowly leaving me. I am not saying I'm now bad, but the pureness that was felt and carried along with me is fading a bit and I don't like it.  

I think, when others hear about a child tragically passing on, they tend to pray constantly for that family---those prayers are felt and surround the family.  Chris and I literally felt those prayers....there are not even words to describe the power, but we were physically carried by many angels--here on earth and angels not of this world.

Simply Amazing..... 

I loved all those feelings of blissfulness, I really do, but I do believe that is not of this world. I did get a sweet taste of heaven and the eternities and I can't wait for those days again when I transfer to the heavens to be with my children and family! 

^^^^^^

So, lets be honest......our society is so confused. I get confused too, as to what is right and wrong. I feel as if people are denying the very thought of heaven, God, eternities, faith, hope, love, self respect, the belief in angels, eternal life, families, and themselves.....they seem to be turning to what is cool or socially acceptable at that moment. 

EMOTION IS LOST.

I have felt this burning inside of my body to share my strong conviction of HEAVEN, GOD, and ETERNITY.....It is all for real and my son lives there. I can't help but seek a place I long to go and reside with my son.

Have you ever asked if these things are really true on your knees with a pure heart????

I have.

And they burn with in my entire body.  

I seek that perfect light my son is resinating.

I seek heaven, that place I will enter someday soon.

I seek God and Jesus Christ, the masters of the Universe.

and you should too.

We can seek all theses things and still, we are all imperfect......Since time began, man has seeked the heavens.

My peanuts bring me into the light!

The Transition Day

All week I have had so much anxiety thinking about the BIG DAY.....

the big stupid day.

the giant elephant in the room. 

the horrible tragic accident that took his life.

the day my life changed forever.
the day we said our earthly goodbyes.

the day Ollie passed into the next phase of eternity.

 

Chris doesn't even want to remember 'the date' but, today I feel I want to remember.

It was the last time I kissed Ollie.

The last time I held him,

smelled,

touched,

and

sang to him. 

The last time I 

washed his dying body,

the last time I saw his beautiful blue eyes,

the last time I touched his messy-stringy-thin-blonde hair.
That day was the last time I would dress him and
it was the last time I heard him breathe.

The last precious earthly moments between a parent and a transitioning child.

It was a day of many lasts with our precious Ollie boy and I cherish every single one.

These pictures hurt but, they don't hurt as much when I think of where Ollie's spirit is. 

I truly believe the longer I live, that Ollie is in the spirit world in
blissful enjoyment--pain free and happy.
He lives on.
He will one day be resurrected to perfection.
He will rise the morning of the first resurrection into my arms.

^^^^^^^^

Today 3 years later.....

I am a changed momma.

My heart is oh so heavy but, today I am healing

and thankful---I honestly NEVER thought I would get to this point.

Today I focus on Ollie's spirit residing in our home---at times I have been so blinded
by grief that I could not see. 

And as I am often reminded....someone ALWAYS has it worse and this is why I am thankful. 

I am deeply grateful for my constant support over these last 3 foggy years. 

I honestly couldn't have done it without prayers, family, texts, emails, and God.

Thank you,

Thank you,

for the LOVE! 

^^^^^^^^ 

A few of my favorite memories of my precious 
Ollie Kai Hebb
June 21, 2010-March 24, 2012

• Holding him for the first time after working so hard to bring him into this life--pure bliss.
•  Watching the way he inspected small things on the ground and trees. 
• His shaggy blonde hair. 
• His gentle spirit and demeanor.
• I loved his fat hands and dirty finger nails.
• I enjoyed watching Ollie and Chris swing outback-the bond they share is tender.
• Rocking and singing to him until he fell asleep.
• I loved pulling Ollie behind the bike trailer while riding in the pouring rain.
• I loved how the first thing right after he woke up was to go outside rain boots and all.
• Ollie  would dance to electronic music and I would film him.
• I miss pulling identical faces with him for a selfie.

Ollie, 

Be near us until we hold you again sweet angel of ours.

 "Because I live, Ye shall live too"-Jesus Christ
Be inspired 

>>>disclaimer because people often take things the wrong way<<<
This blog is an outlet....its healthy for me. 
I don't always feel these horrible feelings.

Are You Living on Earth?

My mind wonders.

 My thoughts drift to a happy place, pain free, guilt free, beautiful beyond earthly comprehension and full of pure happiness.

This place is heaven. 

I dream often of going there. 

I dream often of what my Ollie is doing there.

I know it must be something very important for him to be there instead of here.

I am sure it is a beautiful place.

As I dream about heaven and Ollie, I am quickly taken back to earth with my living children when Poppy pulls my arm saying "Momma, hold me, hold me" 

or 

Loxxley wanting to nurse every few hours

or 

Poppy randomly peeing her pants

or

Loxxley screaming because he fell and hit his head

or

Poppy dancing up and down with excitement because she saw a squirrel

or 

Loxxley staring into my eyes ever so sweetly as I rock him
or
Poppy telling me her tiny doggy can walk like her.

My children need me--and boy do I need them.

I have been thinking a lot of how I am here and now still living upon this earth. 

I must live for today and take care of my living children. 

I miss Ollie so much.
Often I focus on his death and his lack of presents so much that I miss the cute things that are happening right in front of me.
I must make the most of TODAY. 

Here is to Poppy and Loxxley and the life they live, they bring me so much joy

Today I live for you both-and Ollie of course, that's a given.

Death

Its a huge, heavy 4 letter word that most of us are afraid of.
We are so far removed from the process of death that we are afraid. Many cultures around the world are a big part of the process. I think this would be more healing if we got to say goodbye longer than just a day. When a body dies there is no breath left in them, no life. They don't respond anymore, they don't kiss you back, they are just gone. This is almost impossible for the mind to comprehend. It is complete shock. The person was in your life, then in a moments time, they are not.

When I think about what death entails, it penetrates deep into my soul.
It is an earthly ending. It is a temporary goodbye.

Watching the life pass from Ollies precious body to the eternities was such an oh so tender, but heart wrenching thing to ever experience. 

 We all will pass through death one day too.

(I know some people think they are invincible)
 This brought Chris and I so much hope after Ollie passed from this earth, because we thought in the beginning we had to live forever without him, but we don't. We will one day get to see that glorious place where he is residing. 

I know Ollie still lives on in my thoughts and actions,  my heart and spiritually-his spirit lives on.

 I just know this. 

I feel this so strongly in my heart. 

Once you experience death as we know it on earth, you will NEVER, I repeat NEVER be the same, especially after burying your precious 2 year old son into the ground. 

I am changed.

I am different. 

I am not the Tiffany I use to be.

I am broken.

I am sad.

But I am enlightened.

I am strong.

I am enduring, I am brave
and I am hopeful.

<<<<<<<>>>> >>>

A person whom I do not personally know, told someone very special to me how she needs to be grieving. Wow seriously, if you haven't walked this path, buddy, I hate to break it you, but you will never ever understand.  I can't believe the people that think its their right to tell someone, "well its been 2 years and you should move on or be better now"

WHAT???

I watched my child die, gasp for air for 6 long exhausting, but not long enough, hours while his body died off. I buried his 36 inch body in the ground, forever in this life, until the morning of the first resurrection. My child will never walk again on this earth physically,  but I do believe Ollie is with my family daily. We have so many tender moments that testify of Ollie and his presence.

I will not kiss him, hold him, or smell him again until I die, so please don't tell me I need to get over my sons death or stop talking about him, I never will stop.

You just don't get it and you never will.
--that is why the mommas who have lost a child are so deeply connected, we understand--

It will be the hardest thing a person will endure in this life. 

I really do believe this.

Kind of unfair if you ask me.

Okay, pretty much unfair in every way and I hate it.

<<<<<<>>>>>>

I know everyone is afraid to talk about Ollie, 
or
to talk about the huge elephant in the room
DEATH,
but I am okay to talk about it.  I am okay to see someone dead. I have faced my demon and fear of one of my children dying-finding them dead none the less. I know many moms who have this same realistic fear, I will tell you, You will live through their death and you will fight on until your death.   The death of Ollie is on my mind 24/7. It never leaves me.  It is scared upon my heart forever.
Just wait a minute and I will probably bring it up in our conversation. Don't be afraid to ask questions about Ollie or about how I am doing. I just might need to talk, grief lashes out in many weird and unexpected ways.
I am sad a lot.
I get depressed quite frequently.
I am happy a lot, but not fully happy.
I smile, but sometimes its forced.
I am kind, but sometimes I want to yell.
A lot of the time, I am mean and very inpatient,
but
I keep fighting, I fight this tormenting battle until it is through and the suns rays engulf my spirit and warm my cold heart.
 
--I still haven't clean out Ollies top dresser drawer and I love that his clothes still smell like him--
When I think of Ollie being 'gone' I feel that it is not permanent. It sure takes a lot of faith to think like this. The natural man wants to believe in an ending, I think it is easier to understand and comprehend. We want concrete evidence in something more, we need tangible proof.  Since man lived on the earth we have been seeking what is next after this life, we have seeked the heavens and Gods since time began and we will continue to seek until we reach the them.....

my sweet angel

Heaven

Heaven

"They say that heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth.  Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."
Author unknown

HOPE IN HEAVENS DAY

Grief be mine, I ask you so,
If not for you, I wouldn't know,
How life once was and then be still,
How so precious, that death do steal.
Because that grief, won't go away,
Learn to let it have its way.
The link to love, a precious one,
Is met with grief and still not done.
The days do come, and nights do go,
Grief will stay as time is so.
And so a loved one passes on,
And grief comes in and carries on.
Does grief get better, I will ask,
It's hard to say, while at its task.
There is grief to help us cope,
There is God to give us hope.
Grief will surely go away,
On that glorious heaven's day.
But while its here, there's just one thing,
Pray our Lord, for peace he'll bring.

~Arlene Dery

Life after death

Book of Mormon Alma Chapter 40
9 Therefore, there is a time appointed unto men that they shall rise from the dead; and there is a space between the time of death and the resurrection. And now, concerning this space of time, what becometh of the souls of men is the thing which I have inquired diligently of the Lord to know; and this is the thing of which I do know.
10 And when the time cometh when all shall rise, then shall they know that God knoweth all the times which are appointed unto man.
11 Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.
12 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.
13 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of the wicked, yea, who are evil—for behold, they have no part nor portion of the Spirit of the Lord; for behold, they chose evil works rather than good; therefore the spirit of the devil did enter into them, and take possession of their house—and these shall be cast out into outer darkness; there shall be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth, and this because of their own iniquity, being led captive by the will of the devil.
14 Now this is the state of the souls of the wicked, yea, in darkness, and a state of awful, fearful looking for the fiery indignation of the wrath of God upon them; thus they remain in this state, as well as the righteous in paradise, until the time of their resurrection.
15 Now, there are some that have understood that this state of happiness and this state of misery of the soul, before the resurrection, was a first resurrection. Yea, I admit it may be termed a resurrection, the raising of the spirit or the soul and their consignation to happiness or misery, according to the words which have been spoken.
16 And behold, again it hath been spoken, that there is a first resurrection, a resurrection of all those who have been, or who are, or who shall be, down to the resurrection of Christ from the dead.
17 Now, we do not suppose that this first resurrection, which is spoken of in this manner, can be the resurrection of the souls and their consignation to happiness or misery. Ye cannot suppose that this is what it meaneth.
18 Behold, I say unto you, Nay; but it meaneth the reuniting of the soul with the body, of those from the days of Adam down to the resurrection of Christ.
19 Now, whether the souls and the bodies of those of whom has been spoken shall all be reunited at once, the wicked as well as the righteous, I do not say; let it suffice, that I say that they all come forth; or in other words, their resurrection cometh to pass before the resurrection of those who die after the resurrection of Christ.
20 Now, my son, I do not say that their resurrection cometh at the resurrection of Christ; but behold, I give it as my opinion, that the souls and the bodies are reunited, of the righteous, at the resurrection of Christ, and his ascension into heaven.
21 But whether it be at his resurrection or after, I do not say; but this much I say, that there is a space between death and the resurrection of the body, and a state of the soul in happiness or in misery until the time which is appointed of God that the dead shall come forth, and be reunited, both soul and body, and be brought to stand before God, and be judged according to their works.
22 Yea, this bringeth about the restoration of those things of which has been spoken by the mouths of the prophets.
23 The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul; yea, and every limb and joint shall be restored to its body; yea, even a hair of the head shall not be lost; but all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame.