Preemie Power

For the past 3 years I have been grieving and quite frankly, it has been exhausting to even do anything else. It's like you are always running on empty and you can't seem to ever feel satisfied or full. I feel as if I just can't quite catch up...ever. And maybe I never will experience rest until my work is finished here upon this earth....

Having Poppy one month after Ollie died was exhausting. My hormones were a mess, I was a mess and I was intensely grieving. My body mind and spirit were all confused as to what just happened. 

shock. 

disbelief.

nightmares.

horror.

madness. 

loss. 

death.

birth.

All these heavy emotions have left me feeling tired mentally and physically....Oh yes, I am still tired.

My goodness.  Grief is all consuming. unwanted. and life long.

<<<<<

Then, my life wasn't exciting enough so Mr. Loxxley decided to liven things up with his entrance!

I feel like I didn't quite take it in and accept all that was happening once my water broke at 21 weeks. I just went into survival mode and did what I had to do to keep him safe.

It was a ANOTHER GIANT SHOCKER.

Seriously, when my water broke and we met with that first maternal fetal medicine doctor who told us we had 2 options,

1- terminate the pregnancy by having an abortion

OR

2-continue with the pregnancy and I and the baby might both die.

So, we might have to say goodbye to another child or Chris might have to say goodbye to me and a child and raise Poppy alone......

Neither option looked very promising, but Chris and I were not going to decide whether our child should live or die by terminating the pregnancy. God was in full control. We were going to go full force forward and hope for another miracle since we didn't receive one with Ollie, we thought had a fighting chance.  The doctor made us feel like the first option would probably be the safest and best. Yes, we understood that my life was in danger of a deadly infection but, if I was at the hospital they could monitor my failing body hourly. This decision was hard considering I had a toddler at home who had already experienced a crazy life thus far yet, it felt right for our family--thanks to my mom who jumped on a plane that day to watched Poppy and offer us much needed moral support!

This Doctor made me angry and I wondered how many other parents were going in there with no hope like us? I understand the statistics the doc was providing but, he could have offered some HOPE and told me of children that do survive. Maybe my situation was very unlikely that the baby would survive or that I would contract the disease---but I didn't and we got our miracle!!! I sure wish more hope was offered and more trust put in the higher power--GOD. Miracles happen daily in hospitals. Hope is all you have in the end. Remember this. If I didn't fight for my baby, no one else was going to---except my sweetest nurses on the planet. Keep fighting mommas. I know there are moms who will be experiencing this while reading my blog. I tell you to hold strongly onto that HOPE and FAITH in your child and go forward like a tiger! [an yes, unfortunately there are tragic and sad endings--until you know the end, keep fighting]

Look at my precious miracle. I don't think I fully realized how amazing he was at that time. I was still grieving hard for Ollie. His head was the size of a lemon...so tiny and so precious straight from Ollie!

2lbs. 5oz.     27.6 weeks gestation. Half hour after a one push breach vaginal delivery

I have had some bottled up feelings lately about Loxxley, the NICU, and how scary and horribly hard I fought through it all, as well as how hard Loxxley fought.  I am proud of myslef for fighting for my baby after losing Ollie only a year earlier. Going through this was more traumatic than I had wished. It's intense and it was so dang scary.

Life can be so tough and look so helpless. I am here to tell you all reading this,

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU EVEN KNOW.

KEEP FIGHTING YOUR BATTLE. 

KEEP PRAYING TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR HIS UNENDING POWER AND LOVE.

DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP.

<<<<<

  

*Baby Update* written 10/24/13

Chris and I received very unwanted news two days ago, as we waited for the maternal fetal specialist to tell us the results of our, what we thought would be normal, ultrasound. The short version of what he basically told us, was  that the baby had no amniotic fluid surrounding it-later I called him back and ask if there was really 0% fluid and he said well there are 1-2 cm pockets, but from a medial standpoint that means zero....I felt like there was no hope on his part. I didnt want false hope, but man, that was rough news. That tiny percentage gave me hope.

Today as I sit here in my home, I am on strict bed rest-only bathroom privileges. Whoa, what a change from chasing around an almost 2 year old wild woman. I have a lot to sit and think about. You might all be asking yourselves, "how can Tiffany and Chris be handling this right now after losing Ollie?" Well, not too sure how we are. I wanted to just crumble to the floor in disbelief when the doctor told us we might lose another child, but I didn't. We left the appointment crying and in deep despair. We were both in shock. Probably still are. I didnt really listen to what the doctor was saying from the point he said no amniotic fluid....I zoned out. Had no hope. Pretty much thought my only option to save me was to induce labor-so not the case after much reading and listening to many other stories. Thank you to everyone who has sent me stories of HOPE, they seriously made my views and out look do a 180.

So, we are mightily moving forward with faith and hope. It is all we have. We have nothing else. We can not do anything to change this, except have hope or have none, and we choose hope! I am hoping and praying for a miracle. I KNOW they CAN happen, sometimes they dont, like with Ollie. Not sure why I have so much hope today after all that we have been through in the last year and a half. I feel like I should be curled up in a tiny hole shaking with fear, but I choose HOPE. Hope in this baby, hope in my body to make the proper nutrients, hope in these very knowledgeable doctors,and  hope that the baby will survive and be a fighter. I have great hope in Gods plan, His love and His timing.

So please, join me in hope. Hope for yourself, for the future, hope for life.   

**Interesting story
Last week I had an appt because I was still leaking fluid, I went all by myself and was so stressed out, I showed up to the wrong office-the other office is 45 minutes away. So, I told the nurse my reason for coming in and that I showed up at the wrong office. She suggested I go straight to ER or drive to the other office/hospital. She was very concerned, but I told her I might just drive back home. I could tell she was annoyed with my decision. I ended up going straight home and crying. I didn't want to worry about what news they might tell me. I couldn't handle any bad news. It was just too much.

We made another appt. for Monday. Chris was able to go with me this time-a tender mercy. I am so thankful I didn't have to receive this horrible news alone. Anyway, I called the nurse today and it happened to be the same one. I could feel that she might still be a little disappointed in my decision. I then began to tell her the reasons why it was just too hard for me that day to make the appt. I told her all about Ollie and the accident, and now we were facing this new trial. She felt so bad. I could feel in her voice her heart soften as I spoke. I began to cry as I told her that we have decided to not induce this pregnancy and this baby deserves a fighting chance. As I began to tell her this, I knew without a doubt I must put up a big fight.  If I, as the mother dont fight for it, who will? I feel so strongly as I type this. This baby Hebb #3 deserves hope, it deserves a chance. It is still in my womb fighting from the inside and I we must fight on the outside, it isn't dead yet. It has a heartbeat and still growing. There is hope!!! 

***We might find out the sex because females put up a better fight at this gestational age. (Just like her momma)

Ok already

Thoughts....

How much can one person endure?

Not quite sure, but it sure is 

a lot.

way more than I could have ever imagined or thought humanly possible.

The human body and spirit are so resilient, but so fragile all at the same time.

I thought after watching your child fight between this life and heaven for 30 hours, that would be a free ticket to a peaceful rest of your life.

Not quite so.

Chris and I were talking the other night about how we both agreed we were well over out breaking point before all these complications started happening with this pregnancy. 

So now what?

We just continue

breaking, 

fighting, 

enduring, 

struggling,

trusting, 

and

hoping....

Not any easy thing to find deep within your very fibers of your soul.

What do you do when you want to give up?

crumble.

How do you keep going?

How do you find beauty again?

How do you persevere and endure this life?

Where does that strength come from?

I guess my personal strength comes from 

Ollie, God, strangers, family, hope.

//please share with me where you find strength to make it through your hardest times, 

your lowest times, how you endure//

****

The last few days I have wanted to give up.

I have wanted this baby out of my body and wanted to run away.

My heart hurts so intensly as I try to sort through my deep feelings of 

GRIEF-of losing my precious 2 year old in such a tragic and horrific way that no person should ever see or experience. and yet here we are again fighting for another child to live with us on earth. 

I hope God grants us this wish, this hope, this child, this miracle, this prayer.

I am not shy to say that I think Chris and I really deserve a little break here.

I have been having another one of my pity parties...I can tell you, they aren't very fun.

Again, 

Thank you 

Thank you

 for your prayers, I can not deny the power of them, as they are carrying us when we are so weak.

//xoxo//

Tiff, 

thanks for listening

One more day...

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

11-13-13

26.3 weeks growing this peanut

Well my goodness....one more day down.

I doubted, on many different occasions, that baby Hebb and I would even make this far.

What a miracle.

It has been a constant roller coaster of emotions.

 But we are still fighting, fighting mightily.

Today was uneventful, just how we prefer it.

 I seriously can't believe how high my spirits have been through all of this- and all the doctors comment every morning on how positive and gracefully I have handled all this. I KNOW its because my sweet  
Ollie 

 is carrying me. He is with me, I just feel it. Trust me, I wish I could see him physically holding me, but I can not deny his constant spirit and force to fight that has filled my entire body. I am completely filled with courage, determination and hope. At this point, we still do not know the outcome, it could be very negative and sad, BUT it could be very positive and happy. 

I choose positive and happy until I am shown differently. 

.this is just me, chillin and trying to stay focused on a positive outcome. don't worry I get sponge baths now and haven't washed my hair in over a week, but I still feel good. 

What if it all turns out wonderful?

What if I sat here negative and depressed and it all turned out wonderful? 

No point in focusing on the negative until it presents itself, right?

Until then, mightily fighting through.......

 Currently @ 9:16pm

* no cramping

*no more bleeding-yay

*baby looks great on monitors and is fighting hard-base line heart-rate of 150

*i am feeling good today, lots of energy

*not bored yet, still lots going on

*amniotic fluid level is 4.6 cm---a big huge yay-we started with 1.8cm

*the baby has grown 200 grams in 2 weeks, not a huge amount, but in the 30 percentile, the doc said I am probably in the 30 percentile myself so its appropriate for the little peanut.

LOVE TO YOU ALL!!! 

THANK YOU FOR HELPING CHRIS AND I CARRY THIS HEAVY BURDEN. 

WE COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT ALL YOUR LOVE, CONSTANT SUPPORT AND MANY PRAYERS. I SERIOUSLY AM HUMBLED BY THOSE WHO HAVE REACHED OUT TO US, MOST OF YOU ARE STRANGERS....YOU ARE SO KIND!!!

.grams is sure taking great care and having fun with miss poppers. 

Moving again, not so fast

Friday November 15, 2013

OHSU

Labor and Delivery Floor

26.5 weeks Gestating

One day stronger....

Yesterday was the first day I can actully say I was a little bored. 

I watched 3 movies. 

Never in my life have I done this.

 It was nice, I guess.

I am sitting here on the labor and delivery floor. I was going to be transfered last night at 8pm, and about 5 mins. before I decided to make sure the bleeding had stopped completely. Well, it hadn't.
 So, no moving for me.
 I spent the last two nights hearing woman scream and moan in agony.
I hate this sound.
It makes me feel physically sick.
 I can imagine their pain all too well and don't like hearing it all day and night, because I am not ready to go into labor any time soon....
So, here I stay and try to sleep another night.

Status Update:

*Baby peanut has looked great on the monitors the last few days-no scares with cord compressions.

*My bleeding has stopped.

*Amniotic fluid continues to leak out.

*I have 2 IVs and they are stupid and ugly.

*I can shower now on my own-I washed my hair and shaved my arm pits, actually my mom did both of these for me!

*I might not have to have a nasty classical c section, just a regular.

*Baby is still breach.
*Was excited for a sleep-over with Chris, but he cancelled last minute.

*In general I feel pretty good!

I put my trust in God and these amazing doctors here at OHSU......

I have been reading everything on PPROM-pre term ruptured membranes, and studying up about the NICU. 

Here is some info if any of you are interested in reading more about my condition. There are many stories of hope too.

http://www.inkan.se/pprom/

Thank you for your prayers, they are felt.

Rough 24 hours

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

26.2 weeks gestating baby Hebb

We had another eventful 24 hours. We don't like exciting events around here-at least not any time soon-but they seem to just keep coming up. So, like I said before there hasn't been a dull moment and no time to read my books or knit because I'm constantly being transferred from floor to floor-due to moderate bright red bleeding, many doctors coming in, lots of monitoring of the babies strong heart, being pricked by several needles to check my blood levels, lots of blood, another steroid shot to jump start babies lungs, and magnesium drips-to prevent brain bleeds and cerebral palsy for the little peanut.

So, it's been quite scary around here and unpredictable, but all the pokes, sleepless nights, aching back and numb butt, headaches and no eating for 24 hours are all worth it for this little baby!!!

Our sweet little fighter continues to fight, as do we!!!

My sweet momma visits to just hang out-and she even giggles lots too oh and rubs my back and legs!!! I love her! 

The doctors have been amazing and I love that there are several doctors that come in a day, perinatologists, an OB and the neonatologist. We all live minute to minute around here. They are well prepared that I might go into labor at any moment or that the babe might be in distress. I have full confidence in them and am trusting them to make the best decisions for us. Of course, I look up everything they say, so I'm well informed and educated. I love that OHSU is a teaching school so they are up on all current research and seem highly skilled-and many are so sensitive too. I have made many wonderful friends.

Some nurses I have really formed a bond with, these nurses are so sweet and knowledgable too-they even give me warm wash cloth baths-with yummy smelling soap, help me put on my ugly hospital granny panties, they see all my body parts-my bum hangs out of the gown (I think it's funny and let it hang out, no same here. When else can you do this?? Ha), they guide me with their gentle hand to the toilet because I am weak, when they talk to me they put their hand on my leg or hold my hand, they get me things when I ask please and point, they clean up lots blood and yucky towels, they even smell lots of very unpleasant smells, and most importantly they give me comfort and hope. 

What a great dad when moms on leave. Love and miss them so much. Chris dressed her in Ollie's pjs. 

Status update:

As of right now @ 9:00 AM

*Baby fighter Hebb has been stable through all of this. Yay

*Having an ultrasound this afternoon to see if baby has been growing appropriately-say a prayer please.

*My bleeding has decreased significantly since yesterday-this could change within minutes.

*No cramping. Yay

*Currently off magnesium sulfate-which means they aren't anticipating continued labor.Yay

*No more room changing-I will stay on labor and delivery with one on one care until baby arrives.

*Today is the worst I have felt-its not very bad though-but I still smile, am polite, and try to stay positive. :-))

*Baby is still breach.

*A mild contraction here and there.

*We made it one more day! Yay

*Breakfast will be here in 15 mins. Yay

(As many of you know, I like natural everything and try to implement that in my life whenever possible. This hospital stay has been quite difficult for me, but I am so thankful for modern medicine. I am trusting these doctors and God. I have turned it over to them-and we fight together and do whatever needs to be done for a healthy and safe arrival of this precious angel sent straight from our sweet Ollie's arms, just like little Poppers was!) 

~A huge thank you for all the prayers, good vibes, kindness, fasting, love, flowers, phone calls, emails, nice notes, and constant faith in baby Hebb and I~

             .Miss my girl. 

My goodness

25 weeks preagnant

Things change quickly around here...I share these details in hopes that I can help someone else going through this in the future......

I felt fine all day and had a wonderful night at my sleepover with Chris. We had special room service breakfast brought to us. Ha. A very expensive crappy hotel room. Something like $2,300 a night. 

The baby had a few cord compressions, so they moved me downstairs. Baby looked fine, so they moved me back up. 

I had a special surprise visit today-my sweet encouraging friend, Emily.

 She has been there for me for over a year and given me so much encouragement, hope and love. And I have never met her until tonight! She is 18 years old and dedicating her life to God, such an amazing person! She drove all the way from Seattle to give me a hug and rub my back!!! Whoa. There are kind people in the world. I sure love her. And she even climbed in my bed with me!!!

Right after she left, I started bleeding bright red blood. It was too much to not be worried. The doctor checked me and was concerned with the amount of blood, so she immediately moved me down stairs to the labor and delivery floor. I get so nervous every time this happens-this is the second time this has happened at the hospital. When you are pregnant fluids are not suppose to come our down there. So it's very unsettling and makes us all worry. 

I am currently hooked up to the fetal monitor and they're watching the baby closely for distress. The baby looks good and The blood test came back normal for a placenta abruption. That little fighters Hebb is making us proud!! We continue to fight with it. 

I'm going to go to sleep now, so hopefully things will be okay throughout the night. 

*26 weeks pregnant-a big milestone. Now onto 28 weeks!!!

*baby appears to not be in distress

*bleeding bright red

*no cramping

*no cervical dilation

The docs are taking great care of me and the babes!

A woman I have never met, who just had heart surgery and is going through some very difficult trials, sent us these beautiful flowers! Thank you! The little squirrel is just perfect! People are wonderful. 

Thank you for all the continued love and prayers. 

Always pondering on life

OHSU

Friday November 8, 2013

I have currnetly been in this hospital for 2 weeks now.

-Yipee-

 Never thought I would make it more than 2 days, with the loss of amniotic fluid, ruptured membranes and all the bleeding. I really had no idea that a baby could survive inside the womb without amniotic fluid. 

It just amazes  me.

It really is a miracle that babies are born with all their toes, fingers and a working heart!

They really are true miracles from heaven.

Prayers have been answered to keep this baby inside me, growing and developing.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS OFFERED, YOUR FAITH AND YOUR HOPE IN ME AND THIS BEAUTIFUL BABY.
 
Baby Update
*25.5 weeks gestating this little peanut
*Symptoms are still the same-which are none
*Doppler and vital checks every 4 hours in the day
*2 fetal monitorings a day for 30 minutes or longer if the baby has a dip in heart rate-today it dipped when I had a tiny contraction, so that is bad. They kept me on for an extra hour to make sure it didn't happen again. Of course when there is no amniotic fluid the risk for stillborn increases quite significantly. The baby can easily compress its cord and die within minutes. By the grace of God the baby will hopefully be ok. Things are still very scary and uncertain and that is why we choose to trust.

Guess who has a hot date tonight??

Chris and I!
Any ideas as what should I wear?
oh wait, I'll wear my sweatpants and t-shirt with my bright purple fuzzy socks, I hope he does't mind

I am so excited. I miss him so much, hes my buddy-and my private chef!

He is going to sleep over at the hospital with me!!! 

We might go on a wheelchair ride-seriously so cool, go to Starbucks,  look at the Portland skyline, or pay a visit to the NICU-oh, and snuggle of course.

Never thought this would be my exciting date night with the hubby, but I am happy.
Chris and I were talking the other night how this life we are now living is not exactly what we imagined when we were younger. We never knew we could hurt so intensely and feel so much pain. Such a hard reality for us to accept.

I always imagined finding a loving husband and having children, but never, ever imagine all the gigantic mountains to climb all  along the way.

As I sit here, I also think about how stressed out I was before I came into the hospital. I remember telling my mom for several mornings that I was at my breaking point with grieving, with Chris' jobs not working out, thinking of the rainy weather and preparing for the cold house, being lonely in Oregon, sitting in my house most days-depressed...not a healthy environment.
 I often found myself sobbing desperately on my knees missing my sweet Ollie.
Every fiber of my precious body was/is aching, longing and grieving to hold my baby boy.

*So longing to kiss those precious lips and nose, rub that tender skin and stare into those

 beautiful bright blue eyes.....one day* I have tried very hard since being in the hospital to focus on this baby now growing  inside me and getting it here safely. I honestly don't think my body could handle that pain of weeping uncontrollably. That deep, deep pain that acts as if my heart is crushed slowly by a heavy brick. I have not let grief overtake my body in that way. Yes, my heart is still severely aching, but I don't let it lash out as extremely. I am sure I will once the baby arrives. I am focused on this babe and the thought that my precious angel, Ollie is proactively helping from the other side!

My sweet Ollie,
 be with us, make us better individuals, more compassionate, more loving and more gentle.
Inspire us to do good things.
 Encourage us to endure.
Heal our broken, lonely hearts.
 Enlighten our minds with hope and faith. 
Guide us back to you.

Day 4

OHSU Hospital

I guess the nurses are checking my vitals every 4 hours, even all through out the night. A little much for me-I'm going to request an 8 hour span between checks. So I didn't get much sleep last night, which I think I deeply need in order to grow this baby. So we will see how tonight goes. 

The day was uneventful, which we like. The day consisted of ordering my food, texting a few people, a lot of praying, visualizing my baby and body healing,  more food and lots of water and coconut water. 

**No signs of labor, no cramping. No infection and baby sounds great!! Another day down. Just cooking this little bun. 

      This is just me....all snuggled in. 

Trying to make this a positive experience. 

Thank you for the many sincere prayers offered for our family. Seriously, Chris and I are being carried. And we are still very hopeful. 

   *********

Miss this little face and my daily snuggles...but I know gramma b and Chris are taking great care of her!

Day 3

OHSU Mother Baby Floor

10/27/13

Today I got transferred to the mother baby unit. The beds are bigger and much softer and the room also has a bed for a guest!! 

They will be checking my vitals every 4 hours...awww. Even through out the night. It's a good thing, but I do hope I am able to get some sleep. 

Chris, my mom and Poppy came to visit and bring me some delicious home cooked food-which I am already craving. I miss my personal chef :(( he brought me Braised pork with raw beet and carrot salad!! It was yummy! The food here, in my opinion, is gross and so blan. Of course I would say this, I have a personal chef who uses a variety of herbs and spices!

The hospital has already offered us fee tram tickets, toys for poppy, magazines, books, games, playing cards, journals, fuzzy cute slipper socks, raspberry chapstick, and vouchers for a healthier snack choice-and it's all donated by others. So kind of these generous people. 

**So the plan is to just keep growing the baby and sit tight and take it day by day. My vitals are all normal-checked every four hours all night...awww and babies are great too and she/he is constantly giving me love taps in my tummy. So now the baby and I work together to win this fight. 

One more day.....

                       **********

        You might find this funny.

      My dinner...don't be jealous. 

Day 2

OHSU Labor and Delivery

10-26-13

-Special people who were in my life today-

I received the best nurse for my first night, she was so kind. She held my hand, she cried with me and even offered hope. She told me she never takes her work home, but this time she would hold a special place for me and my family in her heart. She even asked her husband who is a pastor to put our names on their prayer book. Kind lady who I will always remember and thankful she could so gently take care of me. She touched my soul and I think I touched hers!!

Another sweet woman cried with me tonight too. She was an OB doctor. I see many different doctors everyday. They all rotate-which I like because they all have a different personality and ideas to bring to this situation. This is a teaching School/Hospital so they are up on all current knowledge mixed with doctors if great experience. The more heads, the better. So this sweet OB asked if I had concerns, I told her no. We talked for a while about this baby and babies in general. She told me she had a 21 month old boy. Then of course I told her about mine. She began to cry. She took me by the hand and wrapped both of hands around mine and said she was truly so sorry. She looked at the book I brought with me of Ollie. She cried again. She was speechless. She told me everyone here is rooting for us and will help wherever they can. And she left the room in a somber state. 

And one more neat person I met today, he is the head OB doctor. He came in to pay me a visit and the first thing he said to me was that he was deeply sorry this was happening to me. We talked about some of our hard decisions and I asked him if they were reasonable. He said that was a very hard question and have me his thoughts and suggestions. I listened. I told him I was doing everything as the mother and life supporter of this child, that I thought would oy help her/him. I told him about my certificate in holistic nutrition. He wasn't sure what this was. So I expounded and told him its mind, body and spirit vonnecytion to all things and how nutrition plays a huge part-all things are in harmony with one another. He was very intrigued and said they have just recently added a nutrition program who is working with them to see the benefits of nutrition on a growing baby. He said it's actually the most important thing you can do for your baby-I wanted to say "duh, of course it is". But I didn't. Anyway he loved that I was so persistent on feeding my baby only healthy things that will aid in its development. He was proud of me for doing everything out here that I possibly could do for the baby. He said they want me to be comfortable and are here for me. Nice nice man! 

The overall care here is wonderful! And I am happy to be here fighting for this baby and it's safety. 

**Today was uneventful-which we like. 24 weeks pregnant and still going.  No signs of labor, no cramping, no bleeding, and no signs of an infection. Still leaking fluid which will probably continue until the baby arrives. Just waiting and hoping. Feeling good. Only was able to get 4 hours of sleep, but feeling healthy and strong. 

Thank you all for the love, hope and prayers. 

-Tiffany 

My sweet Ollie is here with me, fighting this fight and holding us up!

Day 1

Day 1 OHSU Labor and Delivery

10-25-13

I am now admitted to OHSU Hospital and will be updating friends and family on the condition of myself and baby Hebb. I hope to write daily-since I don't have much else to do in this bed.

After a week of strict bed rest and tons of anxiety, since my amniotic fluid is still leaking, I decided it was time to make our way to further help and see if some different doctors and hospitals can help me and baby. We needed people who were willing to fight for us like we were fighting. 

Chris and I drove to OHSU hospital-the one where Ollie fought for his life, and I was admitted right then. I felt good about this and was anxious to see if they could help my baby. After much research on my part, I decided OHSU would be the best hospital for us. We were met by a neonatal specialist-the ones who whisk the baby away after birth to help try and save it. He told us all the good and the bad, the risks, the chance of survival, and wanted us to be well informed. Whoa. So much to think about. We were scared-and still are. So many life or death decisions. We have turned it over to God. 

The nurse got me started on a steroid shot in the butt to help give a kick start to the little peanuts lungs. I also continued antibiotics through an IV and got my blood drawn-after 7 pokes later. Seriously silly veins. 

Got all settled in my room and then Chris decided to go home. He cried as he left, he kept leaving and coming back in to give me a kiss. So tender. He was worried about me and I'm sure very anxious about every.sinlge part of this. It's all too much. Losing Ollie was too much to handle just 19 short months ago. How are we suppose to deal with this now? Seriously? God? 

Day 1 down. A lot to go little baby Hebb