Anxious

I drive to the NICU daily and almost always am by myself. Since the passing on of Ollie, I get anxious every time I am alone. If I am in the car alone, the bathroom, the shower or sleeping alone, I get an anxious feeling, as if I'm forgetting to do something very important. I have never really experienced this kind of CONSTANT anxiety. It never really leaves, it just lessens at times, but worsens when I am physically all alone.

I DONT LIKE THIS. 

On the drive up to the hospital today, I started thinking of the time I rode in the ambulance up this same beautiful hill with Ollie. Today, I didn't mind the drive. It was sunny and blue skies all around. I was thinking about my little miracle sitting in that isoltte at the top of the hill. 

I have a MIRACLE. 

The miracle we prayed and wanted so badly with Ollie is now playing for our second son, Loxxley. We prayed just as hard for little Loxxley to be healed and made whole, and he is. He is growing. It seems so slow to me as I sit and watch the clock ticking by in between my stares at my little peanut. But the days are passing and Loxxley is getting stronger everyday, as am I! I feel like not much could stop me or tare me down anymore-not too sure this is a good thing because I'm a little callused. Momma bear has been unleashed. Watch out. 

•Loxxley currently is needing more oxygen. Yesterday they trialed him off his cpap, he failed. Little guys lungs still need help. He's strong. He's fighting and I am here by his side. Sure love that little peanut. 

•His feeds are at 34ml and fortified with 4ml of human milk fortifier-helping him gain weight I guess. 

•He weighs 1710 grams 3lbs. 11.2oz.

•He is getting a follow up brain scan this evening. 

•Still kangaroo holding him daily for about 3-4 hours. 

•Loxxley is now 6 weeks old and 34 weeks corrected age.

•He is still on caffeine to help his lungs work better and a diuretic to drain the fluid on his lungs and the rest of his body. 

So I guess we continue to fight this battle we call LIFE. And as I fight, I try to see the beauty and there is so much. 

LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY 

Photo credit http://xaxor.com/photography/30743-beautiful-landscapes-a-nature-in-hdr-photos.html

I heard a great little saying today as I was listening to a talk by Jeffrey Holland-a wise and gentle leader of the LDS church.  He said, "If the bitter cup does not pass, DRINK IT."  Whoa, am I drinking it. It is full and oh so heavy to digest. 

Here is the link of the talk. He speaks about depression and the dark moments. I found some very insightful words to help me in my grief. 

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng#watch=video

Love you all and once again thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. 

oh my word

Loxxley still needs your prayers........

Today I arrived at the hospital at 12:15. I usually am there at 12:00 for the c-pap care, diaper change and feeding.. Today I was a little late and the nurse had already fed him. When I arrived he was spitting up all over and it was coming out of his nose and mouth. No one had noticed it. So, I told the nurse. She came over and started to suction him out. Then, he began to turn blue. He wasn't moving. My heart sunk. Oh man I totally know this feeling all.too.well. Are you kidding me? What do I need to learn from all of these experiences? Please God, enough already. My heart almost exploded from panic as I rubbed his tiny precious foot and nudge him to breathe. The nurse and RT kept suctioning him and then giving him more oxygen. Finally he did take a couple of breaths on his own, but not enough. The nurse had someone run and get the doc. She came in and looked pretty concerned with what she saw. Loxxley's heart rate was at 50 (normally about 150-160) and staying there and his oxygen was at about 30% (normally between 87-98). He then turned a pale color. Still no breaths. He wasn't even moving. I was more than nervous. They turned up the oxygen to 100% and still, he was not responding. They then gave him some breaths after his airway was clear and suctioned his nose and mouth again. Finally, he worked everything out after about 3 minutes....it seemed like 5,000. He had to recover for quite a while. Poor little guy. He is now fine for the present moment.

He also had his ROP eye exam this morning. Its very invasive and of course he hated it, but they said he tolerated it very well. His eyes were all red and puffy after the procedure. This is what Stevie Wonder has. Loxxley's vessels appear to be growing appropriately. They will do another eye exam in 2 weeks. 

He also had a chest x-ray this morning, due to not being off oxygen after a month since birth. He has had increased oxygen needs in the last week. He is now at about 30%, which is still a minimal amount. He has fluid on his lungs. They call this, chronic lung disease. They are giving him until Friday to see if it works itself out, if not, they will give him a diuretic to help with the release of fluid.

**Not too sure why they did all this to him today. Poor little dude is so fragile and so tiny. He hates being messed with and every time he eats or poops his oxygen goes down. He still needs LOTS of prayers please.

On the way home after tucking Loxxley in, I began to break down. I let it all out. I often find myself holding it together. There are just certain times when you have to be tough and today was one of those. So, when I was alone, I cried and I yelled and I was super MAD. I asked WHY? I screamed some more. and I even yelled every Christmas song as loud as I could and I was still MAD.

Well, here's to a Merry Christmas....... Love you all.

Loxxley Hebb
Weight: 3 lbs. 2.1 oz.
 Feeding: 27 ML
Oxygen needs: 27-30%

Poppy at the Children's Museum

.our next little cashier.

.and our next little vet.

Little Loxxley!!!

Doernbecher neonatal intensive care unit

•Our little guy is doing well and growing about 10grams a day! 

•He is tolerating 20ml of breast milk. 

•He is pooping and peeing. 

•He is on cpap to force room air (21%) into his lungs to help the alveoli not collapse. 

•At times, through out the day he does need a bit of help with oxygen, but majority of times he is on just room air. 

•He still has a feeding tube which will hopefully be removed in 2-3 weeks and I can begin nursing him!!! 

•I have a cold sore which I have now had for a week, so I'm not allowed in the NICU.
Oh my goodness.
Darn it's hard to not see my little peanut.
The herpes virus can kill a preemie with in hours. Not worth even getting near him or any other preemies. 

•Chris has done the kangaroo hold all week!! They both LOVE it. Loxxley even opened his eyes for a while and turned to Chris when he heard his voice...tender. 

•Chris and I have both changed his tiny diaper and given him a taste of breast milk to coat his dry lips and mouth.

**We are so touched at the kind things done for us. I say this all the time, but it's true, we can never repay you all, but we will continue to pay it forward. 

Thank you 

Thank you

Thank you

for all the faith in me, my baby and my family. I am weak, so weak, but you all make me strong. You lift me, you inspire me, you hold me up, and you pray for me. It means the world to Chris and I and we couldn't survive without all the genuine love.

With that said, I could still just cry every minute. My heart hurts, it aches and it's broken. My breathing is shallow and I find myself constantly taking a deep breath because I forget to breathe. Tears pouring down my face are always just a thought away-but I am real good at pushing those away lately. When it's all too much, I just don't think.

I can't go there. I just can't. 

I am numb. 

Surviving. 

Living in disbelief. 

Dreaming of better days....

Loxxley Koa Kai Hebb

We finally decided on a name for this little guy!
(we wanted the perfect name for him,  that's why we took so long, not because we thought he wasn't going to survive)
 

2 Weeks Old

•He is tolerating 12ml of breast milk, fed through his feeding tube.

•He gained a little weight, 2.67lbs. 

•He is pooping.

•He is on room air most of the time.

•He loved skin to skin cuddling with his momma.

•He still hates being bothered and loves being wrapped like a burrito.

•His brain scan came back negative for a possible brain bleed.

I go to the hospital everyday and deliver my milk, it's a full time job, but so worth it. I got to hold the little man today for almost 2 hours! It's so wonderful to feel his heart beating 

against mine, he loves it a doesn't even move! 

We sure love our little miracle! 

****

Holding my little Loxxley hooked up to all those wires, makes me think of little Ollie when he was also fighting for his life at the exact same hospital.....such raw emotions to accept.

**I wonder if I will ever be as happy as I was in this picture, watched Ollies life celebration video last night....sobbed and sobbed**

How can my son, Ollie Kai Hebb not be here???
Why is he not here?
How did he leave?
Where is he?
-Not fair-

******************
 
Thank you my angels on earth for all your continued love and prayers. 
In the last 19 months, I have had one child transition to heaven, a month later had a beautiful daughter, and then  had a child born too early....It's just too much for me to fully grasp. 
but,
I am still holding on. 
I will continue to fight along with Loxxley.

I cannot thank you all enough for your kind comments and love through out this last year and a half. I wouldn't have made it this far with out so many of you, whom many of you I now call my most cherished friends. I hope I can one day pay all the love forward to others who are in need.

With all my broken hearted love,
Tiffany Hebb-Ollie, Poppy and Loxxley's momma!
 

Our little fighter

Many people have been texting, calling and emailing me about an update....I' am so sorry.
I have been busier than I thought with my new little guy, learning to walk again, and enjoying my husband and little gal!!!

10 days old

My days have been spent pumping every 3 hours, getting my body use to walking again
and driving to the hospital.
I wish I could stay with my little man all.day.long, but I know I have
another child who needs me just as much or more at this point.

***

The little guys pod and home for the next few months

Look at that tiny bum...oh my, I was so nervous.

First time holding him, only for about 5 seconds while the nurses changed the bedding, but it was special.

I sang to him and he looked at his momma!!

Now thats just the tiniest foot...teenie tiny.

No, this little peanut still doesn't have a name.
There are about 3 names we are considering, well I don't really love them, but they are all we've got.
EZRA
LOXXLEY
KOA

My favorite is Loxxley, nic name Loxx.
Let me hear what you all think, and remember his middle name is KAI, after his big brother!

Sweet baby boys update
-He is still on room air and cpap-
-He is now having regular stools-
-He is tolerating his cpap changes very well, he is on 4-the lowest-
-His tummy is now soft-
-His x-ray of his tummy came back normal-
-He weighs 1000 grams-
-He is on 6ML of breast milk-
-He lost blood and they aren't sure where it went, so he had a blood transfusion, he accepted it well-
-Not sure about the brain bleed after the blood loss-
-He has another brain scan on Friday-

Please pray for our little guy.
 I really feel bad to ask for help and prayers again. I already had prayers and help when Ollie passed onto heaven,
now this???
It's just too much for Chris and I.
We are stuggling.
How can we possibly be doing this?
Its just sureal to sit in the Doernbecher Neonatal Critical Care
and
think about when Ollie was in the
Doernbecher Pediatric Critical Care.
How can we possibly have 2 sons fighting for their lives in the exact same hospital?
We didn't get our miracle we had wished, hoped, pleaded, and weeped for.....I hope the second time around we get our MIRACLE.

Baby Boy is here!!!

 Labor and Delivery 
28 weeks gestation

November 24, 2013

A quick update:

Baby boy Hebb has arrived. 
I had contractions the entire day and night before and was still bleeding, so the doctors started me on magnesium. The contractions lessened and I was taken off the mag. Then the next day the contractions started around 5pm. They were painful, but nothing too serious, until I had about 4 contractions that were so severe I started crying and weeping with agony. I could tell his bum was sitting on my cervix and with each contractions the little guys heart rate dropped to 50...

I was really worried. 

All the doctors ran in and I started telling them the baby was coming out. The pressure was intense and I was trying to hold him in until they were ready.

They rushed me to the OR and were preparing for a c-section. I had planned for this event many times in my head-I played it out with many doctors and now that it was actually unfolding, I was not scared. 

I trusted the docs. and I trusted God. 

The doctors brought in the anesthesiologist and everyone was prepared, they quickly checked me again and the babies bum was coming out. 

They said to push, I was confused and said, "where" because I was planning on the dreaded c-section. 

I then realized I was just going to push him out.
I gave one push and they said, "Harder" then I gave it my all and he popped right out. They then yelled, "it's a BOY". 

And wisked his tiny body off to the place they had warned me about. The place of resuscitation and assessment, where they also give and an apgar score.

Tears of happiness and sorrow began to roll down my face and I began to cry. 

All I could think about was Ollie.
I missed Ollie. 

I missed my sweet precious boy, the one I knew and already loved.

I then delivered  my placenta and all the doctors were interested to see where the abruption had taken place, and we all looked carefully.
I told them I was keeping my placenta to dehydrate and make into capsules-yea you might think this is weird, but it is so smart and so nutritional for baby and I-every animal does this.

I was then wheeled back to my room. 

Chris and my parents quickly arrived and we all went to meet this little guy. 

Baby Hebb

Born: @ 7:25pm

Weight: 1005 grams -I think 2.5lbs 

Apgar: 1 minute-6 

           5 minutes-9

*He was on a about 25% oxygen for about an hour and then quickly down to room air. 

*He is now only on room air and a cpap.

*The doctors are amazed at how well he is doing and that he is also a male-females fight harder and are more mature.
 *I have already pumped 8 times and have given him about 6 drops of colostrum, that's huge for him, It instantly settles him down.
*He has giant feet and hands like his daddy!!!

We haven't really got a great look at his tiny face yet.

The neonatal doctors were short staffed and said they couldn't have had a better baby for this type of  situation.
Several different nurses have all expressed how feisty and tough he is. 

He will keep fighting.
 I just know it.

His brother angel Ollie is guarding him with all his power and I also think he has given his fighting ability to this baby, and maybe even his strong heart!!!

**We have been warned several times that the NICU is a roller coaster ride. 

Well, that's nothing new to us. We are professional riders!

So, Chris and our families continue on this ride, and we are holding on tight. We still need lots of prayers, as does this little champion. It has already been a miracle that he is doing so well with his lung development. We wont know much more until after 72 hours-they try not to disturb the baby too much during this time to prevent brain bleeds.
I am so nervous and anxious about the outcome.

I am living in the moment.

Today the baby is well and pushing forward.
I trust God and his help.

***Thank you for the love and prayers*** 

and thank you mom and dad for all your help

Always pondering on life

OHSU

Friday November 8, 2013

I have currnetly been in this hospital for 2 weeks now.

-Yipee-

 Never thought I would make it more than 2 days, with the loss of amniotic fluid, ruptured membranes and all the bleeding. I really had no idea that a baby could survive inside the womb without amniotic fluid. 

It just amazes  me.

It really is a miracle that babies are born with all their toes, fingers and a working heart!

They really are true miracles from heaven.

Prayers have been answered to keep this baby inside me, growing and developing.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS OFFERED, YOUR FAITH AND YOUR HOPE IN ME AND THIS BEAUTIFUL BABY.
 
Baby Update
*25.5 weeks gestating this little peanut
*Symptoms are still the same-which are none
*Doppler and vital checks every 4 hours in the day
*2 fetal monitorings a day for 30 minutes or longer if the baby has a dip in heart rate-today it dipped when I had a tiny contraction, so that is bad. They kept me on for an extra hour to make sure it didn't happen again. Of course when there is no amniotic fluid the risk for stillborn increases quite significantly. The baby can easily compress its cord and die within minutes. By the grace of God the baby will hopefully be ok. Things are still very scary and uncertain and that is why we choose to trust.

Guess who has a hot date tonight??

Chris and I!
Any ideas as what should I wear?
oh wait, I'll wear my sweatpants and t-shirt with my bright purple fuzzy socks, I hope he does't mind

I am so excited. I miss him so much, hes my buddy-and my private chef!

He is going to sleep over at the hospital with me!!! 

We might go on a wheelchair ride-seriously so cool, go to Starbucks,  look at the Portland skyline, or pay a visit to the NICU-oh, and snuggle of course.

Never thought this would be my exciting date night with the hubby, but I am happy.
Chris and I were talking the other night how this life we are now living is not exactly what we imagined when we were younger. We never knew we could hurt so intensely and feel so much pain. Such a hard reality for us to accept.

I always imagined finding a loving husband and having children, but never, ever imagine all the gigantic mountains to climb all  along the way.

As I sit here, I also think about how stressed out I was before I came into the hospital. I remember telling my mom for several mornings that I was at my breaking point with grieving, with Chris' jobs not working out, thinking of the rainy weather and preparing for the cold house, being lonely in Oregon, sitting in my house most days-depressed...not a healthy environment.
 I often found myself sobbing desperately on my knees missing my sweet Ollie.
Every fiber of my precious body was/is aching, longing and grieving to hold my baby boy.

*So longing to kiss those precious lips and nose, rub that tender skin and stare into those

 beautiful bright blue eyes.....one day* I have tried very hard since being in the hospital to focus on this baby now growing  inside me and getting it here safely. I honestly don't think my body could handle that pain of weeping uncontrollably. That deep, deep pain that acts as if my heart is crushed slowly by a heavy brick. I have not let grief overtake my body in that way. Yes, my heart is still severely aching, but I don't let it lash out as extremely. I am sure I will once the baby arrives. I am focused on this babe and the thought that my precious angel, Ollie is proactively helping from the other side!

My sweet Ollie,
 be with us, make us better individuals, more compassionate, more loving and more gentle.
Inspire us to do good things.
 Encourage us to endure.
Heal our broken, lonely hearts.
 Enlighten our minds with hope and faith. 
Guide us back to you.