Special moments with our ANGEL

Yesterday Chris and Poppy took our beautiful new Alaskan Malamute on a walk in the mountains behind our house. They all had some great bonding time while Loxxley and I played at home. Chris sent me this treasured video of Poppy, talking about her drawing in the dirt being Ollie's spirit and she wants to remember him. And also about the moments before she was born, Ollie was with her and he was at the gates.

As I was giving birth to Poppy, 1 month after Ollie went to heaven, Chris and I both envisioned that same thing at the exact same moment in time. As Poppy was descending down the birth canal and into what we call earth, Ollie was in heaven holding her hand and letting her be with us....they held hands until the very last moment. Chris and I both had this vision and talked about it after her birth.....no coincidences here.

What?

How could Poppy know this about Ollie and the gates?
She would only know what we all experienced, if it really happened...Chris and I have never mentioned this story to her.

This story was so precious to Chris and I and is just another testament that Ollie is alive and lives on--because sometimes it is just so hard to have this faith when I can not physically hold or see my 2 year old child.....

Poppy and Ollie communicate, I know they do.

He is still in our every day lives and we know he watches over us.

I often hear Poppy giggling in her room and of course I have to go in and see what she's doing. She is usually dancing and looking in the mirror while she twirls and giggles loudly. The same day as the 'Ollie's spirit in the dirt day', Poppy said that she dances with Ollie and he twirls her around!!!

Oh how happy this makes me, I just had to share all of this.

 My heart feels so much love for their relationship that they still have. I have been trying to be very aware of Ollie being near to us, because I  know he is.  I want to be in tune with his presence.

***

 Before Ollie passed on to the next faze of eternity, I believed in coincidences. Now, I believe only in divine intervention. I believe that GOD is the master engineer and for life to run accordingly, the very finest details are worked out. Even the EXACT moment we will take our last breath or our first. Everything really does happen for a reason at the exact moment it was supposed to.  If it were meant for Ollie to survive, he would have. Yes, it was a horrific accident, and if it were meant for me to be inspired as a mother, I would have found him sooner and been able to revive him---not the case, so I do believe our days are numbered here upon this earth and who was meant to live shall live.

***

What is living anyway?

Some people go through this life half dead...they truly are walking dead.

Are you walking dead through the motions of this life, or are you truly living?

Ollie is living, he is alive in our home and in the heavens, thanks to the one and only JESUS CHRIST.

GET OUT AND LIVE.

Left Behind???

That shear panic sets in as you thought you left your child behind at the grocery store.

Have you ever experienced this?

I'm sure you all have had some taste of this panic?

Now times that by 90.

Let me tell you, it's INTENSE.

Horror.

Worry.

Distress.

Shock.

Disbelief.

Panic.

Helplessness.

Yep, that's exactly what grief feels like every--stinkin--single--day--but it does change through out the day and through out the years. Some days it is this intense, but hopefully not every waking minute.

Your broken heart aches constantly and you feel anxiety to the core of your being, because something is wrong and you just can't seem to ever fix it.

As mothers, we like to fix things. 

RIGHT?

 Especially with our sweet children.

 I remember walking out of that cold hospital after we unwillingly took Ollie off life support, and not knowing what to do next. I felt oh so helpless and scared. I didn't want this for my life and wanted it to be fixed right away.

There is no fixing of this heavy burden called,  grief.

It will be carried on your heart and in your life always and forever until you take your last breath.

Makes me pretty depressed actually to think about this.

How is one expected to live with the  feeling of a rat chewing on your insides, or the feeling of bricks placed upon your chest not allowing for a full breathe in? 

and you just have to deal with it?

It's nearly impossible.

and you almost die yourself because of it.

It creeps up at every holiday-as today is Halloween, at birthday celebrations and every family party.

Not much helps.

Time heals, I guess.

or do the memories just fade?

Its rather sad if you ask me.

^^^^^^^^^^

One thing I hold onto with an iron fist and I will never let go of, is the fact of seeing Ollie again one day. And I do know he is always a prayer away. I try to be in-tune so I may feel him daily!

Grief just molds you into something new.

I am a new human because of GRIEF.
And hope to one day be a beautiful piece of work before my death.

PLEASE SHARE YOUR DESCRIPTIONS OF GRIEF OR LOSS

Death

Its a huge, heavy 4 letter word that most of us are afraid of.
We are so far removed from the process of death that we are afraid. Many cultures around the world are a big part of the process. I think this would be more healing if we got to say goodbye longer than just a day. When a body dies there is no breath left in them, no life. They don't respond anymore, they don't kiss you back, they are just gone. This is almost impossible for the mind to comprehend. It is complete shock. The person was in your life, then in a moments time, they are not.

When I think about what death entails, it penetrates deep into my soul.
It is an earthly ending. It is a temporary goodbye.

Watching the life pass from Ollies precious body to the eternities was such an oh so tender, but heart wrenching thing to ever experience. 

 We all will pass through death one day too.

(I know some people think they are invincible)
 This brought Chris and I so much hope after Ollie passed from this earth, because we thought in the beginning we had to live forever without him, but we don't. We will one day get to see that glorious place where he is residing. 

I know Ollie still lives on in my thoughts and actions,  my heart and spiritually-his spirit lives on.

 I just know this. 

I feel this so strongly in my heart. 

Once you experience death as we know it on earth, you will NEVER, I repeat NEVER be the same, especially after burying your precious 2 year old son into the ground. 

I am changed.

I am different. 

I am not the Tiffany I use to be.

I am broken.

I am sad.

But I am enlightened.

I am strong.

I am enduring, I am brave
and I am hopeful.

<<<<<<<>>>> >>>

A person whom I do not personally know, told someone very special to me how she needs to be grieving. Wow seriously, if you haven't walked this path, buddy, I hate to break it you, but you will never ever understand.  I can't believe the people that think its their right to tell someone, "well its been 2 years and you should move on or be better now"

WHAT???

I watched my child die, gasp for air for 6 long exhausting, but not long enough, hours while his body died off. I buried his 36 inch body in the ground, forever in this life, until the morning of the first resurrection. My child will never walk again on this earth physically,  but I do believe Ollie is with my family daily. We have so many tender moments that testify of Ollie and his presence.

I will not kiss him, hold him, or smell him again until I die, so please don't tell me I need to get over my sons death or stop talking about him, I never will stop.

You just don't get it and you never will.
--that is why the mommas who have lost a child are so deeply connected, we understand--

It will be the hardest thing a person will endure in this life. 

I really do believe this.

Kind of unfair if you ask me.

Okay, pretty much unfair in every way and I hate it.

<<<<<<>>>>>>

I know everyone is afraid to talk about Ollie, 
or
to talk about the huge elephant in the room
DEATH,
but I am okay to talk about it.  I am okay to see someone dead. I have faced my demon and fear of one of my children dying-finding them dead none the less. I know many moms who have this same realistic fear, I will tell you, You will live through their death and you will fight on until your death.   The death of Ollie is on my mind 24/7. It never leaves me.  It is scared upon my heart forever.
Just wait a minute and I will probably bring it up in our conversation. Don't be afraid to ask questions about Ollie or about how I am doing. I just might need to talk, grief lashes out in many weird and unexpected ways.
I am sad a lot.
I get depressed quite frequently.
I am happy a lot, but not fully happy.
I smile, but sometimes its forced.
I am kind, but sometimes I want to yell.
A lot of the time, I am mean and very inpatient,
but
I keep fighting, I fight this tormenting battle until it is through and the suns rays engulf my spirit and warm my cold heart.
 
--I still haven't clean out Ollies top dresser drawer and I love that his clothes still smell like him--
When I think of Ollie being 'gone' I feel that it is not permanent. It sure takes a lot of faith to think like this. The natural man wants to believe in an ending, I think it is easier to understand and comprehend. We want concrete evidence in something more, we need tangible proof.  Since man lived on the earth we have been seeking what is next after this life, we have seeked the heavens and Gods since time began and we will continue to seek until we reach the them.....

my sweet angel

To my angel momma friends

To all my angel momma friends, (and anyone who has lost a loved one)
At our H2o Memorial Run we will be having a 1mile remembrance walk and I would love a picture from you all. If you are interested in sending a picture of your precious angel to be honored, please send me a jpg file picture to my email, along with the full name, birth and death date of your child.
Email: tbwizzer@hotmail.com

Remembering

Honoring Ollie and his Angel Friends

Look at all these innocent faces.

They are all so precious, why can't their mommas hold them today?

I love each one of their mothers and am thankful for them in my life at his hard time.

(Ollie has more angel buddies but I don't have pictures)

and I just couldn't write their names on the pictures with out saying "sweet". 

I just know each of them were "sweet" children, you can see it in those cute faces.

I wonder what they are all doing in heaven today???

Amazing woman-Julie Olsen

I couldn't sleep last night and stayed up reading this incredible woman's journey,

(Julie Olsen) 

through her grief. Her story is so heartbreaking like so many others but she is doing great things. She is stronger than she knows. It is awful to lose a child, even more awful to lose a child and spouse. She inspired me just in the few minutes of reading  her blog and I thought many of you would like to also be inspired by her strength.

Show her love. 

She must feel so alone. 

Read her story, pray for her and learn from her-learn from her was for myself mostly :-)

(Julie I hope you don't mind me sharing your blog)

http://sheldonandjulieo.blogspot.com