What Do You Seek?

I think the world has always ebbed and flowed in light and darkness since time began. I feel like the light is slowing fading off the earth in so many ways, but I also feel like the earth is burning with this beautiful light.

I choose to seek out the LIGHT!!!!

I am not sure why I talk about this LIGHT so much....

Actually I do know.

Ollie is there!!!

I seek this light he now sees, experiences, and exists in.

Have you ever read the book, HEAVEN IS FOR REAL?  It's about a 6 years olds experience visiting heaven, and its for real! Everyone should read this book, young and old.

>>>>>

Children are so in tune to life. Late last night we drove past Ollie's spot, we randomly decided to stop. It was dark outside--I had never been to his spot in the dark. It was more beautiful that I thought to see all the burial spots lit up with different colored lights. Chris and I told both of our kids to kiss Ollie's picture-as they always do. I started to cry and tell them how much I miss their big brother. Poppy climb on my lap, gave me a big kiss and said, "Mom, we will see him again"

It was so perfect and meant so much to me at that moment. How did she know to comfort me in this way???

Poppy often comforts me, her mom. SIMPLY AMAZING.

>>>>>

So, speaking of light, I can't tell you how much happier and how much healing has come since I have tried to find this light within myself. We are all born with this light. Last June, I decided I needed to  heal myself and I needed some intense work in order to care for my young children.

I have since done so many things that have helped and I would like to share them for future grievers or people dealing with anxiety or dperession.

• I started an intense yoga teacher training--I had to dig deep and let my emotions release, it has been very healing to not run away from my crazy emotions.
• I ordered a Bach mixture made just for my grief, anger, nightmares, depression, fear and anxiety. It really helped my overall out look on life.
• I moved to the sunshine. The sun is where I have found so much relief from my stresses.
• I have tried to hang onto my hope and faith in seeing Ollie and use it as motivation to help others.
• I connected with other mommas who had lost a child--so much healing has come from me reaching out and them reaching back--it heals the heart to connect in this way.
•  I tried to forget my self--which in turns heals myself by giving love to others who need just a bit more love and kindness.
• I try to be thankful for what I DO HAVE, not what I don't have--its just too intense.

"We are all broken, that's how the light gets in" -Ernest Hemingway

Go find your light and share it!!!!

XOXO

The light

Today I was driving in the car listening to the music really loud, which I hardly ever do, but today I just needed to yell out the song and let some steam off. After the song was over I was thinking back to right after Ollie died---as I do daily.  It seemed as if I had been encapsulated in a power of light.  I couldn't even begin to think about talking negatively about anyone, listen to loud music that did't sound like angels singing, swear or watch any violence on the TV.  It seemed as if I was only seeking positive things and this pure light. I wanted only happy things to surround me. It was pretty blissful even though I felt and still feel this deep heartbreaking pain.

Now.....

that spirit of extreme goodness is slowly leaving me. I am not saying I'm now bad, but the pureness that was felt and carried along with me is fading a bit and I don't like it.  

I think, when others hear about a child tragically passing on, they tend to pray constantly for that family---those prayers are felt and surround the family.  Chris and I literally felt those prayers....there are not even words to describe the power, but we were physically carried by many angels--here on earth and angels not of this world.

Simply Amazing..... 

I loved all those feelings of blissfulness, I really do, but I do believe that is not of this world. I did get a sweet taste of heaven and the eternities and I can't wait for those days again when I transfer to the heavens to be with my children and family! 

^^^^^^

So, lets be honest......our society is so confused. I get confused too, as to what is right and wrong. I feel as if people are denying the very thought of heaven, God, eternities, faith, hope, love, self respect, the belief in angels, eternal life, families, and themselves.....they seem to be turning to what is cool or socially acceptable at that moment. 

EMOTION IS LOST.

I have felt this burning inside of my body to share my strong conviction of HEAVEN, GOD, and ETERNITY.....It is all for real and my son lives there. I can't help but seek a place I long to go and reside with my son.

Have you ever asked if these things are really true on your knees with a pure heart????

I have.

And they burn with in my entire body.  

I seek that perfect light my son is resinating.

I seek heaven, that place I will enter someday soon.

I seek God and Jesus Christ, the masters of the Universe.

and you should too.

We can seek all theses things and still, we are all imperfect......Since time began, man has seeked the heavens.

My peanuts bring me into the light!

That dang washer

Did you know I hate that stupid machine??? It makes me made every time I even look at it. I am still aboard that crazy roller coaster, experiencing bad and good days......the bad, crying moments only last a few minutes luckily. If you did happen to see me around town, you would proabably say I appear to be happy. I am happy, but there are times through out the day where I just sit and hate almost EVERYTHING....except my family, friends, and children! I get very depressed and have anger settle over my entire body.....This feeling is quickly removed from me the moment Poppy or tiny--aka. Loxxley, crawl on me and kiss me!!

^^^^^

Last night my sweet mom was washing the sheets because my sister had just gone home and Chris and I wanted to move into the bigger room. The sheets had been washing for a while now and I went to take them out and put them into the dryer. As I opened the lid the exact same picture overtook my mind----when I found sweet Ollie.

AAWWWW....YUCK...it really hurts my lungs, my back, my heart, my brain, and every inch of my body to think about that horrific moment finding my Ollie boy--the moment that significantly changed my life forever here on earth and in the eternities.

As I starred looking at the sheets, in that cold ugly washing machine--exactly what I was washing the day Ollie fell in.

I know, I too feel the intense pressure in my chest. Right now I almost can't breathe. Sometimes it doesn't affect me like this...other times I can barely say the words.

I seriously imagined Ollie in there....I almost put my hands in to feel him. My mind thought I was back at that exact awful moment. Thank goodness I don't ever have to find Ollie dead again---it sounds so weird and it really trips my mind out--this grief thing. this death thing. this burying your child thing....it's all awful and it's all hard to comprehend and accept.

I slammed the washer lid and ran up stairs to tell my mom the washer had gotten stuck on the first cycle with a full load of water.

I was angry at that stupid thing that took Ollie's life----I have to remind myself that we all will die one day and I can't really think of a perfect way for Ollie to have died other than peacefully in his sleep. I really think that there is an angel of death that peacefully removes all pain the moment we die....

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Or does this just bring peace to my soul?


I find my HOPE today in one day seeing sweet Ollie again. I find hope in knowing he is in the other room and very close to me.  He is aware. He lives on. He is real. He was and is my son.

Live in the moment before it passes.....say your sorry first. Love more, hug more and be kinder!!

^^^^^

I often find myself wondering why Ollie had to die in such a freaky, horrific way? I have never heard of this happening to another person. Who could have ever imagined this? Surely not me. He was too big and way too smart. I don't even know how he physically fit in there...once again, makes my stomach turn thinking about it.  I honestly think--call me crazy, but I think that by Ollie dying in this manner allowed more lives to be touched. This is all I can seem to come up with. It was such a shocking way that seemed to reach millions. Every person I randomly tell about the accident has already heard about it on the news. I know for certain Ollie has reached many, just like the random guy who said he has a special connection with Ollie and Ollie is his guardian angel. Wow. Pretty cool!


^^^^^

JOHN 4
 14 But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

Casket Pics

Sometimes I find myself thinking I am stronger than I really am.

I am staying at my parents house for a few months and for a while now, I have wanted to see the pictures of Ollie in his casket.

Not sure why I feel this strong desire?

So,  my mom found the pictures hidden on her computer and pulled them up for me, very slowly.

I prepared myself as we looked at the pictures of the displays we had put up to remember all of Ollie's favorite things.

Then, came the top of his head in the casket, I saw his sweet blonde hair groomed ever so nice.

I softly began to let out a cry.

Then the next picture,

Ollie's sweet face......this is where I began to sob.

The tears came flooding down my face.

I quickly turned my head and sobbed.

I had to tell my mom, I couldn't handle this like I thought.

I just could not handle the look of death and remembering his body all frozen in time.

My sweet Ollie.

His precious body laid to rest.

Sometimes I am weak....and that is understandable, I suppose.

Here's to the eternities.....and Ollie living on in my every breath.


^^^^^^


Revelations 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Happy

That last picture and post was a lot....it was HEAVY-I know....but needed. For me, and for you all.  I have always been someone who seeks self improvment daily---I do understand some do not wish to change or do better...I think it's ignorant, but that's just my thoughts.

So much love came out of the last post. THANK YOU! I feel your love. And I love you all deeply.

I needed to see something HAPPY now on my blog.....

Ollie, my little gentle peanut, who loved pretzels just like his daddy and other siblings. Keep inspiring us all to be better and kinder. Help us to live a better life because we knew you and your love for all things. Your sweetest was too pure and too lovely for this earth. Rest my child until I hold you again. Please stay near your family and those who love you. And keep being the best guardian a momma could ask for!

^^^^^^^^^

The biggest thing I have learned form grief is to keep living. I have to keep going. I have to keep breathing, serving and loving......and fighting.

Need some hope, click the link...
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/doors-of-death?lang=eng

too uncomfortable?

((FYI: I am a grieving mom who expresses myself openly and freely. This does not mean I need counseling or that I'm not doing ok. And this is not an exact story that took place--it's how I feel inside. And it's healthy to express this))

You avoid me because its just too uncomfortable???

Death, dying, drowning....
 
You have never talked about my son since the day he died.

We just carried on like nothing had happened while you talked about the color you wanted to paint you kitchen...not one mention about Ollie's accident---the giant elephant in the room, or so I thought.

Never even once asked how I am really doing.

It's just too damn awkward and uncomfortable....so you avoid it ALL together.

Are you kidding me?

Too uncomfortable for you, how could this be? You should have seen how uncomfortable it was to find your precious child almost dead?

You didn't find you child lifeless in that cursed washing machine or have to yank his fragile body out of it--I sure hope no one every experiences this heart crushing pain.

Did you wail while your child was blue, cold and lifeless as doctors tried with all their power to save your precious son?

Nope. You didn't.

Boy, was all that uncomfortable and unwanted.

Have you ever felt this immense pain while your child gasped for 6 long hours while he slowly took his last breathes in your arms---as you wept to the heavens?

Oh, its just too UNCOMFORTABLE. I see.

And still you don't even mention this horrific elephant that is all encompassing and debilitating.

And when you saw me you didn't just wrapped your arms around me and hold me up from falling from exhaustion---you barley said a hello because it was just too damn awkward.

wow, I mourn in my disbelief at the disconnection.

I thought you could see and feel my pain?

Nope you couldn't.

I just don't understand your lack of showing concern.....

I do pardon you though...you just must not fully understand the loss of a child--and I hope you NEVER do.

^^^^^

I seriously am in aw at how detached we are from our spirits. I can not believe we don't just hug each other all the time. We are all going through so much in this life. Many of us are just way.too.stiff. and closed off.

I get it. You are just not used to touch, hugging, and opening up your heart......that can change. We all need more love...especially after holding your child as they die. Grieving is so intense, I thought my body would fall apart and cease to function. and still, not many hugs were offered.

How is this possible?

I can guarantee there are so many people out there that just need a gigantic hug. Get outside of your comfort zone, your bubble, your shell and give a much needed hug! Do it!

Go HUG someone!

(((And this is why I feel compelled to reach out and hug my grieving mothers as I hear of their horrible tragedy.))))

>>>>>MAY WE ALL CONNECT AT A DEEPER LEVEL TODAY.
>>>>>>>>and a giant shout out to a select few who have grabbed me and held me up as I cried in your arms...and all my cyber friends and family who wish to hug me but can't. I love you all!!

HEART

How do you repair a broken heart?

Where do you begin?

Do you start picking up the tiny, shattered pieces?

Is it even really possible to mend?

Will it ever be the same heart again?

Please share!

I experienced such pain the moment I found Ollie dead that I thought I might die too. It was more horrific than I have words to describe.  From others who have experienced such loss---this is totally normal. I can tell you it really really sucks and is awful but, you can survive through this pain.

Here is a link to an actual cause of death---A Broken Heart
http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/More/Cardiomyopathy/Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp

Yep, Grief is still here

I still have nightmares of my children drowning.
 
Yep, It's pretty awful. 

The dreams leave me with anxiety for the rest of the day-crummy way to start the day.
I wake up from my dream as if I had just experienced another death of my child, of course it's not the exact same but, I sure wish I could have a blissful dream occasionally.

Why do I have to live everyday in a nightmare and also experience nightmares in my dreams?

Seems a bit unfair to me, don't you think?

YEP.

^^^^^

I also, still catch myself not breathing properly through out the day. 

All of the sudden I will be out of breath and realize I hadn't even exerted myslef.

THANKS FOR NOTHING GRIEF.

So, I know its from not taking deep breathes, I am constantly shallow breathing and can't seem to ever fully BREATHE.

This is just another side effect of grieving-it stress out the body and doesn't allow you to fully relax---ever. Chris explains it well, "Grief feels as if a heavy brick is resting on your chest and you can't take a full breath in." 

Yeah sounds nice, right?

NOPE.

^^^^^

Grief has caused me to be more angry than I could have ever imagined.

ANGER. RAGE. MADNESS.

I was sitting in bed the other night thinking of how mad I have been since Ollie died. I have NEVER experienced such anger and rage in my entire life. Through out my childhood I have never felt these feelings---it makes sense because I had never loved this deeply until my little buddy was born and so the loss is going to be just as deep.

Longing to hold my first born,
wondering where my child is,
finding happiness daily and living a NEW NORMAL, sure are tough ones to handle and I am not very good at it, I just miss every inch of him.

The child after....

Dear Poppy

You are so special to momma!

 I want you to know this and feel it with every fiber of your body through out your entire life. 

You are just as important and as special as your older brother Ollie. 

 I love you just as much, never forget that my sweet thing.

You went through a lot with momma after Ollie died. 

You held on in my tummy and fought through the painful month with me, I know you could feel everything I was experiencing and I am so sorry for that.

You came into the world at the perfect moment when we needed you most. 

You were so brave to follow after such a horrible experience and you knew how difficult it would be.

YOU ARE MY HERO.

You are forever our beautiful and colorful rainbow after the treacherous storm and you brought a ray of sunshine and hope the minute you entered this earth! 

THANK YOU!

You are just so special to me, my little girl.

Keep spreading your sunshine and light to those in the dark.

I love you Poppy Kai Hebb

INWARD

Some days are harder than others---just like everyone's own life. 

The reality that my sweet little Ollie will not ever be here upon this earth until the morning of the first resurrection, hits me like a brick to the gut. 

I get so woozy just accepting this FACT of my new life. 

I really don't like it at all---but there is not.one.single.thing I can do to change it.  That really sucks....we can never go back and change things to be how we want. Sometimes I just can't accept that Ollie really died before my eyes, he took his last fighting breath while in his mom and dads arms, we really buried his precious 34 inch body( I only know how long he was because we had to fit him for his casket----awww how horrible) and he is no longer physically at our home. People often tell me that he is with me, but I don't see him or feel him very often, I have only dreamt of him once in 3.5 years--it's jut a constant fight to see the hope. Little things have shown me he is near and I do get tender mercies but seriously that is not enough. 

Faith is damn hard. 

Can I say that again? 

FAITH IS DAMN HARD especially after the most trying event---your child passing on from this earth and in a horrible, disgusting, traumatic way. 

It really is quite torturous and life long. 

As long as I am breathing I will forever miss my Ollie boy and there will forever be a whole in my delicate, but oh so resilient heart.

This past year has been more healing than I could have imagined as I focus inward and on healing myself. The pain is still very real and present in my body but, I have learned what works for me to bring me joy while still experiencing the pain.  

It is often a minute to minute struggle. 

One must really dig to the core of their soul, the core of their being. One must look inward and find that peace. It is there. It might be hardly noticeable, but you will find it. 

I have been meditating and practicing  yoga to help with my intense PTSD. I have learned to use yoga/prayer/meditation as a way to function in my daily life. It gives me the peace as I face challenging times. It's a way to quite the mind and see God inside of you---the light is glowing within. When I am quite I have felt Ollie so near. I have felt the pain so intensely inside of my heart that I thought it might burst out of my body, as I lay and sob with grief and then I feel the peace. It does come, but only after the shear devastation and agony. 

I know the peace, the joy, and the happiness will be experienced one day when I hold Ollie again. I know the dawn will come and the son/sun will rise again. I believe with all my broken heart that Jesus Christ has made it possible for all of us to live again. 

Body and soul reunited!

 I can't wait to witness this miracle and run to my precious Ollie.

My new favorite quote which I believe to be true.

Take a deep look inward---see what you can find.  Just sit and be. What you seek will seek you!

BTW I sure love my two living children.....

NAMASTE!!

Preemie Power

For the past 3 years I have been grieving and quite frankly, it has been exhausting to even do anything else. It's like you are always running on empty and you can't seem to ever feel satisfied or full. I feel as if I just can't quite catch up...ever. And maybe I never will experience rest until my work is finished here upon this earth....

Having Poppy one month after Ollie died was exhausting. My hormones were a mess, I was a mess and I was intensely grieving. My body mind and spirit were all confused as to what just happened. 

shock. 

disbelief.

nightmares.

horror.

madness. 

loss. 

death.

birth.

All these heavy emotions have left me feeling tired mentally and physically....Oh yes, I am still tired.

My goodness.  Grief is all consuming. unwanted. and life long.

<<<<<

Then, my life wasn't exciting enough so Mr. Loxxley decided to liven things up with his entrance!

I feel like I didn't quite take it in and accept all that was happening once my water broke at 21 weeks. I just went into survival mode and did what I had to do to keep him safe.

It was a ANOTHER GIANT SHOCKER.

Seriously, when my water broke and we met with that first maternal fetal medicine doctor who told us we had 2 options,

1- terminate the pregnancy by having an abortion

OR

2-continue with the pregnancy and I and the baby might both die.

So, we might have to say goodbye to another child or Chris might have to say goodbye to me and a child and raise Poppy alone......

Neither option looked very promising, but Chris and I were not going to decide whether our child should live or die by terminating the pregnancy. God was in full control. We were going to go full force forward and hope for another miracle since we didn't receive one with Ollie, we thought had a fighting chance.  The doctor made us feel like the first option would probably be the safest and best. Yes, we understood that my life was in danger of a deadly infection but, if I was at the hospital they could monitor my failing body hourly. This decision was hard considering I had a toddler at home who had already experienced a crazy life thus far yet, it felt right for our family--thanks to my mom who jumped on a plane that day to watched Poppy and offer us much needed moral support!

This Doctor made me angry and I wondered how many other parents were going in there with no hope like us? I understand the statistics the doc was providing but, he could have offered some HOPE and told me of children that do survive. Maybe my situation was very unlikely that the baby would survive or that I would contract the disease---but I didn't and we got our miracle!!! I sure wish more hope was offered and more trust put in the higher power--GOD. Miracles happen daily in hospitals. Hope is all you have in the end. Remember this. If I didn't fight for my baby, no one else was going to---except my sweetest nurses on the planet. Keep fighting mommas. I know there are moms who will be experiencing this while reading my blog. I tell you to hold strongly onto that HOPE and FAITH in your child and go forward like a tiger! [an yes, unfortunately there are tragic and sad endings--until you know the end, keep fighting]

Look at my precious miracle. I don't think I fully realized how amazing he was at that time. I was still grieving hard for Ollie. His head was the size of a lemon...so tiny and so precious straight from Ollie!

2lbs. 5oz.     27.6 weeks gestation. Half hour after a one push breach vaginal delivery

I have had some bottled up feelings lately about Loxxley, the NICU, and how scary and horribly hard I fought through it all, as well as how hard Loxxley fought.  I am proud of myslef for fighting for my baby after losing Ollie only a year earlier. Going through this was more traumatic than I had wished. It's intense and it was so dang scary.

Life can be so tough and look so helpless. I am here to tell you all reading this,

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU EVEN KNOW.

KEEP FIGHTING YOUR BATTLE. 

KEEP PRAYING TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR HIS UNENDING POWER AND LOVE.

DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP.

<<<<<

  

No 5 Year old?

This blog was originally for posting pictures for my family, so they could still see Ollie when we lived far away. Since Ollie passed away it has been a journal of my feelings and intense thoughts that sometimes I just haven't been able to release any other way.

 Writing has been more healing than I ever imagined. 

Thank you all for being on this journey with me and for the love along the way-it has been needed.

As of late, I haven't felt the need to write anything. I have been working hard on my own healing this year with things like my yoga practice, my beautiful mountain retreat home, essential oils, vitamins, tinctures, healing books, my sweet Nevada friends taking me to Lake Tahoe, taking HOT baths,  and spending quality time with my children who are still alive and very present in my earthly life. 

One thing I have been thinking a lot about lately and do want to express, is the need to share OUR STORIES. 

They NEED to be heard. 

I find healing from others who have been through a major tragedies and I know so many appreciate me sharing and find healing in hearing about Ollie. Since he died, I have shared his story at least once a day, if not several. Everyone is shocked at that tragic way it happened and I can see that they think more about their own life and the precious people in it.  We all have a story to share---SHARE IT. You seriously never know who you will help and why not help someone? 

We are all in this together!!!

^^^^^^^^^^

Yesterday was JUNE 21, summer solstice and OLLIE'S BIRTHDAY and Father's Day.  Ollie was supposed to be 5 YEARS OLD. How totally horrible is it that he wasn't here with us to celebrate? Milestones in life are one of the most celebrated and happiest times we have on earth---and we don't get anymore with Ollie in this life. I know life is short compared to the pre-existence and the life to come but, I wanted those memories to keep being created with my little guy, Ollie--they stopped on March 23, 2012.Yes, I am pretty heart broken, the shock has worn off and I have learned how to live with out him---something I never thought I could do, and to tell you the truth, I have been so involved with my other children and be present in their lives,  that I feel it erases Ollie--well I guess its that I am not creating new ones.....It's sad. Ollie would have been one of the kindest and most gentle 5 year old around.

Today I look forward to Poppy and Loxxley as they grow up and enjoy my precious time with them!!!

Here's to the best Father for my children!
I love you

>>>Does heaven celebrate a life event such as a birth or a death? 

I actually bet they celebrate death more<<<

Oh, and just one more side note.

 I didn't know a human could cry or hurt this intensely every day for 3 years now...and I know it will continue until I'm dead---that seems pretty unfair, if you ask me. What about that happily ever after part I always heard about? I guess it happens when I die---but that's a long life of suffering, its hard to stay positive after such a tragedy. 

You've probably never seen this side of him....He sure makes us all laugh!

Dear Ollie

I haven't sat down to talk to you in a while, Poppy and Loxx have kept me pretty busy. Everytime I try to sit and write about you or think quietly to myself--your siblings quickly remind me, they need me too. As I sat down to write this, Loxxley started eating the plant and spilled the dirt all over the floor, Poppy kept asking me which button on the keyboard she could push and I impatiently told her to stop it. So, I closed my computer and held both of them tight and sang to them. I know this is what you would want.

I miss you so much Ollie, as I hold Loxxley and sing the same songs I sang to you when I rocked you to sleep every day of your life---which I am thankful for.  Looxley has some of your same features but, looks very distict and different. He is so gentle just like you. He loves his older sister so much. I cry as I write this. I know how much you would adore your siblings if you were here. Poppy would look up to you so mcuh. The other night we had a family over for dinner and they have a boy who turns 5 in July. Poppy liked to play with him the most. She giggled with him and chased him around the house. She also teased him like a younger sister would. It made me miss you, my sweet boy. My heart still aches for you. The pain is so deep and never ending. Frankly, I dont't like when the pain goes away for split second---my pain connects me to you!

Poppy is turning 3 next week. You never made it that far in your earthly years. I could have never imagined when I gave birth to you, held you, kissed you and nursed you that I would have to say goodbye so soon. I dont't understand. I really don't. I just miss you. Every-single-thing about you my precious boy but, Poppy does bring so much sunshine into our home. She truly is our rainbow after our torrential down pour, and her voice is the cutest thing around--I wanted to hear you say 'mom' more than anything.

Loxxley survived! He sure is a fighter and I know you were with him the entire time in the NICU. I hoped everyday I would see you in the NICU by his side, I never did see you. I felt you though. And I know you were there. Loxx is a little guy and has been wearing all of your clothes. I love seeing him in your clothes and some of them I never even washed so they still smell like you. He will soon pass you up in years spent here on this earth.

I have been healing this last year more than I ever expected. I think I am healing so well because I have physically pleaded and given my burden to the Lord, prayers have been offered by many on my(our) behalf and  have carried my soul and this beautiful sunny Carson City has done wonders to lift my spirits. I have been trying to dig deep and find my passions again, my zest for life.

Your dad misses his little buddy. I know it hurts his heart and entire body to think of you not physically present in our lives. You were his first born, you were his mini him, you adored him and he adored you. Loxxley sure loves your dad too and so does Poppy but, he still misses his first born--he misses you. Poppy runs to your dad every time he gets home from work--just like you did. I am sure it warms his cold heart.

I still can't believe my body can endure so much shock and pain and still live. Our bodies are truly amazing. I am still in a bit of shock that you one day drowned, died and we buried your body. It is still awful to think about. We had to say goodbye to you. I wish I could understand more about spirits and that the veil was just a bit thinner to see you. My dog probably sees you but, I can't seem to see you in spirit. Having faith is a pretty difficult thing but, I can't deny my true feelings of seeing you again.

Death is not the end my son--as you know. I born my testimony at a husband and wives baptism last week. I told them I know I will see you again. I told them that Jesus Christ has carried my burden and will carry theirs if they ask. I told them about our family being sealed in the house of the Lord for all time and eternity. You are mine forever my sweet boy. We are an eternal family forever and have been sealed under the priesthood which is here upon the earth again. I told them about temples and how they are a link to heaven!!I cried a lot. I felt you near me. I felt you resting upon my heart. You burned inside of my body and I couldn't help but share what was true.

I love you and miss your gentle touch. I miss your smell, your hands, your toes and your vibrant blue eyes. Please stay as near as you can, I know you have important things to do. Please direct me to my destiny and path to follow while here upon this earth. Please lead me and guide me and walk beside me. Until I hold you again my precious Ollie, I stay strong and fight on.

With lots of love, from your mom

Healing

This place out in the middle of the dessert they call Nevada......well, its been healing the Hebb family.

When Chris and I thought about moving out here for his job, we never thought we would end up in Carson City.
What does Nevada have to offer anyway?
Just a big desert with lots of gambling and old people.

So we thought.

We sure were wrong about all that. We have loved this house and all our surroundings. It has been more healing that I ever imagined. The water in Lake Tahoe has healing powers just by simply looking at it's vibrant blue hue. These powerful 300 year old trees all around our property have been pretty nice too.


So here are some pictures of our family 3 years after our storm....still grieving, still breathing and still healing.

We are trying to find that daily peace!

We collect rollie-pullies daily for her bug infatuation.

May you all find healing this day. Today is special and you never get it back. Make it count!
Thanks again for all your love.

I am who I am

I had a very healthy and happy last week...even though Chris was gone for 8 long days and drove all the way to Whistler and back.
I have been feeling very hopeful--hopeful in God, in me and in this life. I have been spending time on myself so, I can be a better momma and wife. 

I have needed some serious 'me' time. 

Something you don't get too often as a nurturing mother.

 //side note-when I ask Poppy to do something she answers me, "Yes Mother"// 

I have needed to find my passions--more things that give me drive.

My children are the biggest drive but, I need more driving forces.

Pretty much since I was born, I have known who I am. 

I have known what I liked and no one was going to sway my decisions. 

I am not a follower. 

Never have been.

Oh great, here comes Poppy....Mini me.

In High School, if the trend was something, I would try my hardest to do the complete opposite--just because I don't like to follow others--I know kind of silly.

I do like to follow rules though.

I do like guidelines for myself  and expectations to achieve but, I do everything because I studied about it or learned about it on my own...not because it was cool or others were doing it. By doing this I have really found myslef from an early age. I am not one for peer pressure--I actually despise peer pressure and people who do this. 

It's just the stupidest thing and makes no sense to me.

 Do people do this to justify why they are doing something?

 I really don't get it. 

With all that said, I like who I am more and more each day.

I have always been passionate about life and the things I enjoy--nature, health, exercise, kindness...

Since Ollie's accident, I have lost everything...I not only lost him temporarily but, I lost Tiffany.

 I lost my drive, my dreams, my hopes, my ambition, and myself.

I was depressed, anxious, sad, angry, and lonely--I still am working through these 

emotions and always will be.

I have come so far since the day my life changed forever. 

I remember how I couldn't bare to be alone, I couldn't shower alone, I couldn't drive my car alone, I couldn't even be in a room with the door closed---this went on for many months. It all stemmed from being home alone when Ollie had his accident. I remember how I didn't shower for days in a row, how I stayed in my Pajamas all day every day, how I couldn't even listen to music, watch TV or say any words that were funny or silly--this was not healthy.  It was what I needed to do at the time to work through my grief. This grief stuff sure is the pits but, I know I will come out stronger--and I also feel a bit numb and less tolerant to certain things too.
Darn.

Today out to lunch.

^^^^^^^^^^

Today, I am moving forward. 

I am finding myself again.

My desire to LIVE and BREATHE again.
It is hard.
It is constant.
and
it is a fighting daily battle.
but
I will win.

A few passions I have always had but now just uncovering are,

I am a certified holistic nutritionist.

I am currently working on my yoga certification while sharing about essential oils. 

I love everything to do with Holistic Health and want to share how powerful our bodies really are.

The body is simply amazing.

And so are all of you.

^^^^^^^^^^

Lately, I have been dealing with some past issues that came out of no where....feeling of not letting go--not forgiving.

I can not seem to pull it out of me to forgive.

It's real tough.

My natural self want to hate and be angry.

Yes, I am still very angry.

 It is really weighing me down and I don't like it.

>>>Accepting all ideas on how you forgive someone who shattered you to the core?